she calls other men hot

[Maddie82]

And I would never think to do it in a moment like that, because it’s obviously disrespectful.

 

Then you've obviously never been secure enough in a relationship to not take this kind of joking seriously. It doesn't mean anything. If you are very secure in a relationship this would not bother you.

[fromheart]

Then you've obviously never been secure enough in a relationship to not take this kind of joking seriously. It doesn't mean anything. If you are very secure in a relationship this would not bother you.

 

Well, if you are secure enough in a relationship with yourself, you'll know your own tastes and boundaries and what you are looking for.

 

We can't tell the OP what he should and should like, its apparent he doesn't like it and many would feel the same.

 

If he wants a woman who is so smitten by him and the gift, that she doesn't notice how hot the delivery man is, this woman is not for him.

Edited October 17, 2019 by fromheart

[rjc149]

Then you've obviously never been secure enough in a relationship to not take this kind of joking seriously. It doesn't mean anything. If you are very secure in a relationship this would not bother you.

 

And you are obviously looking at this in a vacuum and ignoring the context. Being secure and comfortable in a relationship to tease your SO here and there doesn’t equate to tolerating disrespect. There’s a fine line between teasing and insulting, based on context and frequency. Comedians walk this line for a living. Your SO shouldn’t be.

 

Within the context of this specific incident and the OP’s weak, approval-seeking behavior in relationship overall, the context and frequency of her jabs bothers him and it demonstrates a lack of respect for him. It would bother me too. The solution is to communicate that to her in a direct, firm manner. Not “take a joke” and “stop being insecure.”

[Twizzlestick]

I honestly get a really bad vibe about this. I don’t think this is an innocent “joke” at all. It’s not that she just said “oh he’s hot” about someone in the street and let her mouth slip, she persued it to make the point. Asked if you were worried, you reply no, then she forces the point he was “hot”. She set wants you to hear that. For some reason.

 

Boot on other foot, if I’d done that to any of the girls I’d dated or had reles with they’d have gone thermo nuclear at worst or at best been pretty miffed.

 

Might have been a “xxxx” test, but do you want to be with someone who’s brain functions that way? I’d move on OP honestly. There’s more to this if you scratch the surface. I think you’re in for a ride of being tested one min, the next year their bored roving eye comes out. And you’re likely not even out of honey moon period at this point.

 

You can be secure until the cows come home but doesn’t mean you’re with a good match.

Edited October 17, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[Allupinnit]

Oh wow really all of this over one innocuous comment?!

 

I would die laughing if my H sent me a gift and a hot guy delivered it to me. We both check out hot people all the time.

 

People really need to lighten up.

[rjc149]

Oh wow really all of this over one innocuous comment?!

 

That's the thing, I don't think it's all that innocuous in the context.

 

I notice my girlfriend taking a glance at a handsome guy on the street, I'll jab her "you were checking him out, weren't you?" She says "yeah, he's hot." And I'll say "Yeah, good-looking fella, hehe" and that's the end of it. It doesn't rattle me, because it wasn't being done with the specific intention of getting a reaction from me.

 

I buy my girlfriend a gift, to be kind and thoughtful, and the first thing she says upon receiving it "THAT DELIVERY GUY WAS SOOO HOT." And she does this frequently in spite of the fact that I've expressed discomfort with it. That's not innocuous. That's disrespectful.

 

Either people here don't think context matters at all, or just have really low emotional IQ.

Edited October 17, 2019 by rjc149

[rjc149]

Boot on other foot, if I’d done that to any of the girls I’d dated or had reles with they’d have gone thermo nuclear at worst or at best been pretty miffed.

 

Might have been a “xxxx” test

 

This was absolutely a sh-t test. And from the OP's other threads, one of a battery of sh-t tests. She has lost respect for him with all his supplicating behavior, and she's pushing the envelope, testing, undermining, probing for weakness, until she's lost all attraction and bounces. *All* women test their men, they need to make sure he's the strong, confident man he appears to be. The hotter the woman and the more options she has, the more she'll test. We can look at a woman and determine if she's still attractive. A woman needs to test a man's confidence to determine that he's still attractive. It's just the way human attraction works.

 

If you pass her tests, the frequency of them will lower, because she'll be assured of your confidence. If you fail them, or repeatedly bomb them like the OP, the tests will get more frequent and difficult. This indicates loss of faith in a man's confidence and a commensurate loss of attraction. Frequent and rude sh-t tests are a sign that your relationship is dying. That's whats going on here.

 

Yes, I can't see how responding to a thoughtful romantic gesture, from your SO with "the delivery guy was hot" isn't disrespectful and kind of f--ked up.

Edited October 17, 2019 by rjc149

[Allupinnit]

From the OP's last thread it sounds like she has a flirtatious personality. He didn't like how she was interacting with her male friends, either.

 

My take is that he's much more into this relationship than she is, hence why these things bother him - because he knows the truth about their relationship deep down. The extravagant gifts are a way of trying to win her over, but it's having the opposite effect, really.

 

Reminds me of myself with an ex bf I was more into than he was in me. He made a comment about an attractive woman in his office and it bothered me a LOT more than if my now H were to say something similar - because I was already insecure about how he felt about me.

 

It's got nothing to do with women and sh*t tests and all of that garbage that men read on other forums. It's basic human nature.

[rjc149]

Yes, he's much more invested into the relationship, which causes him to place her on pedestal and supplicate. He is in the submissive position. This has caused her to lose respect for him as the man in the relationship. This consequently causes her to undermine him with repeated comments like these. It's a sign of low attraction. Women aren't attracted to weak, submissive, supplicating men who put them on a pedestal and don't stand up for themselves. Call that men's forum garbage, but it's basic human nature.

 

Again, you are disregarding the context of this specific incident. This wasn't some passing comment made in a conversation. It was her direct response to receiving a romantic gesture from him, with the obvious intent to get to him. People are saying "lighten up, what, she can't think other guys are attractive too?" No. That's *very clearly* not the nature and context of this comment.

[Allupinnit]

Well if you look in his past threads you'll see that this has been the dynamic in their relationship from almost the beginning.

 

She tried to pump the breaks because he was coming on too strongly (from Feb):

 

Last night we had a conversation and she told me everything, she said that she was excited at first but now she thinks we are going too fast, she says she wants time to know me better, and that I had sort of imposed my love on her by showering her with love and etc.

 

At the moment she wants to continue the relationship, albeit she wants us to take it slow and figure our feelings out, I accepted her offer, sort of pretended that I am not even sad or concerned by this approach, but seriously I don't know how to act, or what to say, I don't even know if I should send her a message, play mind games, and in the mean time be nice to her. I am confused, I need help.

 

So he's basically spent 2019 doing these same things, perpetuating this dynamic and not getting anywhere.

 

I don't know her intentions because she's not posting here, HE IS, so I'm going by what he says and my own experience. I don't know about these sh*t tests - I find that men who say these things tend to not have a lot of good experience with women so they read a lot online trying to figure out what women are thinking when really it's pretty simple - she ain't that into you. When it's a good thing, it's just easy.

[elaine567]

My take is that he's much more into this relationship than she is, hence why these things bother him - because he knows the truth about their relationship deep down. The extravagant gifts are a way of trying to win her over....

Exactly and she spoilt the effect.

She was supposed to go, "WOW! what a wonderful guy you are for buying me this lovely gift".

Maximum brownie points.

But instead she made a joke which no doubt he saw as "He sends me over some smokin' hot guy to deliver HIS romantic gift... what a loser..."

NO brownie points.

 

Hence the hurt...

[rjc149]

I have looked at them, and it's clear to me that he's the needy supplicating one chasing her and trying to lock her down. That's fundamentally unattractive to women, and this is being clearly demonstrated by her numerous signals of low attraction. So yeah, she just ain't that into him. The reason why is pretty clear, and I'm describing that reason for the OP's benefit because it doesn't seem clear to him.

 

I don't know her intentions because she's not posting here, HE IS, so I'm going by what he says and my own experience. I don't know about these sh*t tests - I find that men who say these things tend to not have a lot of good experience with women so they read a lot online trying to figure out what women are thinking when really it's pretty simple - she ain't that into you. When it's a good thing, it's just easy.

 

 

I'm assuming you're a woman, given your clear disdain for "men's forums" and dismissal of the men who consult them as inadequate and unattractive to women? Well it's not always that simple for men who are obviously clueless about attraction, is in the OP's case. I'm trying to help him understand what's going on, and advise on what he can do to help himself.

Edited October 17, 2019 by rjc149

[Gretchen12]

Perhaps not in and of itself, but have a look through his posting history on this relationship.

 

It's not just about this one comment.

 

That's what I said, not in and of itself. But in this case it was.

[Allupinnit]

Yep. I don't have disdain for anyone - I just think it's very misguided and does more harm than good. But that's my opinion.

 

I'm also married and had to date around just like everyone else, so I'm speaking from experience and not as a dating coach trying to help get you laid.

[Gretchen12]

in this context, it’s clearly inappropriate ... she’s out of line and he needs to gently, but firmly, set her straight.

 

You fail to recognize there are different relationships and different people in the world. I am telling you that I would not have been offended. I recognize how you feel as legitimate. Can you not do the same? We are different that is all.

 

Set her straight? That actually sounds disrespectful. She's not a child. She should gently but firmly tell him it's over. It doesn't need to be anybody's fault. It's just not a match.

[rjc149]

The fact is, women generally don't need advice on how to get laid by men. They don't need to go out and get experience. The men come to them. The experience comes to them. It's different for a guy trying to get better with women and improve his dating life and attraction skills. He's the one who needs to learn game, not the woman.

 

I think you have an issue with what is often the outright, unashamed misogyny which is rife and even advocated in much of the "men's rights" sphere. It can be quite disturbing and it's easy to see why women are inclined to categorically condemn the entire body of men's dating advice literature. But, the fact is that there are men out there who are clueless about women and attraction. A lot of dating advice seeks to help these men improve their lives and their happiness. I don't think that's misguided. I don't think letting the OP continue believing that chasing this girl, showering her gifts, and not standing up to her disrespect is going to improve his success in this relationship.

[rjc149]

You fail to recognize there are different relationships and different people in the world. I am telling you that I would not have been offended. I recognize how you feel as legitimate. Can you not do the same? We are different that is all.

 

Set her straight? That actually sounds disrespectful. She's not a child. She should gently but firmly tell him it's over. It doesn't need to be anybody's fault. It's just not a match.

 

"Set her straight" = let her know what is, and what is not, acceptable treatment of him. You take issue with the verbiage I used, not the concept.

 

She should gently, but firmly, tell him it's over. Yet she continues stringing him along, playing games and disrespecting him. He continues to tolerate it from her, yet quietly seethe about his mistreatment.

 

This situation bothers him. As such, he needs to set it straight.

Edited October 17, 2019 by rjc149

[fromheart]

The fact is, women generally don't need advice on how to get laid by men. They don't need to go out and get experience. The men come to them. The experience comes to them. It's different for a guy trying to get better with women and improve his dating life and attraction skills. He's the one who needs to learn game, not the woman.

 

I think you have an issue with what is often the outright, unashamed misogyny which is rife and even advocated in much of the "men's rights" sphere. It can be quite disturbing and it's easy to see why women are inclined to categorically condemn the entire body of men's dating advice literature. But, the fact is that there are men out there who are clueless about women and attraction. A lot of dating advice seeks to help these men improve their lives and their happiness. I don't think that's misguided. I don't think letting the OP continue believing that chasing this girl, showering her gifts, and not standing up to her disrespect is going to improve his success in this relationship.

 

Women certainly need to know the game. There are many women out there in their 30's and 40's wondering why they never actually met a man to settle with.

 

The boys come to them with their d***s in their hands for sure, but for a woman to get a man who is successful, strong and balanced isn't easy. Telling girls and young women they don't have to do any work and can do, say what they want, is one big reason for the rising number of single, middle aged women who thought they'd just magically become wives and mothers one day. And this is a great shame. All I can do is listen, when I talk to female friends in their mid 30's, who tells me they desperately want to become mothers but can't meet a man.

 

And if I meet a young woman around 20 who wants to become a mother someday, I tell her the brutal truth. She's realistically got less than 10 years to develop the relationship skills to meet and keep a good man, and become a mother. That's nature's design and that's the price that women must be prepared to pay, in an age of relative sexual equality.

 

The world's a smaller place and the best men now have the option of choosing women from all over the world. That's some serious competition.

 

Sorry if that offends anyone, but I don't make the rules.

 

 

 

Agreed, the OP should most definitely stand up to her as any man would.

[elaine567]

Women aren't attracted to weak, submissive, supplicating men who put them on a pedestal and don't stand up for themselves. .

 

Really?

Some women love "weak, submissive and supplicating" men who put them on a pedestal, and buy them romantic gifts...

Not every woman wants a "macho" man.

Real life is complicated...

 

I think you will find not many women are attracted to guys who "firmly and gently set her straight"... she may accept it but resentment tends to build...

 

As for context here .

We do not know that the OP is a weak, submissive, supplicating man, he may be a bit of a tyrant who throws gifts around to make up for his bad behaviour and she got a "dig" in as she is fed up of his "sorry" gifts and would rather he just behave...

[Allupinnit]

The fact is, women generally don't need advice on how to get laid by men. They don't need to go out and get experience. The men come to them. The experience comes to them. It's different for a guy trying to get better with women and improve his dating life and attraction skills. He's the one who needs to learn game, not the woman.

 

I think you have an issue with what is often the outright, unashamed misogyny which is rife and even advocated in much of the "men's rights" sphere. It can be quite disturbing and it's easy to see why women are inclined to categorically condemn the entire body of men's dating advice literature. But, the fact is that there are men out there who are clueless about women and attraction. A lot of dating advice seeks to help these men improve their lives and their happiness. I don't think that's misguided. I don't think letting the OP continue believing that chasing this girl, showering her gifts, and not standing up to her disrespect is going to improve his success in this relationship.

 

I agree with you on this.

[Allupinnit]

Women certainly need to know the game. There are many women out there in their 30's and 40's wondering why they never actually met a man to settle with.

 

The boys come to them with their d***s in their hands for sure, but for a woman to get a man who is successful, strong and balanced isn't easy. Telling girls and young women they don't have to do any work and can do, say what they want, is one big reason for the rising number of single, middle aged women who thought they'd just magically become wives and mothers one day. And this is a great shame. All I can do is listen, when I talk to female friends in their mid 30's, who tells me they desperately want to become mothers but can't meet a man.

 

And if I meet a young woman around 20 who wants to become a mother someday, I tell her the brutal truth. She's realistically got less than 10 years to develop the relationship skills to meet and keep a good man, and become a mother. That's nature's design and that's the price that women must be prepared to pay, in an age of relative sexual equality.

 

The world's a smaller place and the best men now have the option of choosing women from all over the world. That's some serious competition.

 

Sorry if that offends anyone, but I don't make the rules.

 

 

 

Agreed, the OP should most definitely stand up to her as any man would.

 

I would agree with this, but with a caveat: We also live in a culture where two incomes are required for the most part, and more women are going to college. So more women now than ever are focusing on career first, family second in their 20's. Hopefully a healthy maternity leave policy will become, ya know, a regular thing in this country so that people are not forced to choose between one or the other.

 

I have a friend whose fiancé broke up with her in her early 30's for someone younger, and it took her several years to get over. At this point her prime child-bearing years were in the rear view mirror and finding a decent partner was MUCH more difficult than she remembered it being.

 

Sorry for the thread jack, OP. I think you would do better finding a woman who is a lot more into you than this woman is, bottom line.

[Versacehottie]

Ehhhhh, a lot of debate about the "meaning" of this comment. While overall they may just be incompatible and sure OP may be insecure and trying to overcompensate--for example, naming the title of this thread "she calls other men hot" speaks to an overall jealousy or feeling less than rather that naming the thread something specifically to do with this one incident---but in context i still think she is extremely inconsiderate & not all that.

 

There is a finite amount of time (in text or on phone) to thank him for his generosity and being a loving bf and she takes what appears to be the majority of it to make a comment about the attractiveness of the delivery guy. Insensitive and bordering on cruel depending on their dynamic (i don't remember exactly the past threads so i say that from a neutral position even though past threads it sounds like have painted an even worse picture).

 

I so usually think people who come to post jealous thoughts are irrational and they are usually the problem. Here, even if the OP has some insecurity issues, she is fueling the fire. It's not all on him and it's not all on her, but she's certainly not innocent. She is liking the attention and if she is so turned off by her bf being insecure she should dump him rather than keep making him jump through hoops and feed her ego. There are lots of girls like this who treat boyfriends around them as part of their ego stroke and keep milking that sh*t for ego strokes until someone better comes along. Idk, just wondering why in the world her mind is on "other guys" and conveying any info about other guys in THIS moment. Something's OFF with that. Incompatibility with each other for sure seems evident. If this happened at some innocuous moment walking down the street, that's another story. That's not when this happened. If she is just a flirtatious and jokey person--going with that for a second--she has terrible timing and isn't that funny and does it at her boyfriend's expense knowing his sensitivity--so we are right back at incompatible.

 

I strongly agree with the suggestion that OP should have put her in her place right when it happened and not sulked passive-aggressively. You can still somewhat fix that now by just being direct and making it a priority to talk about next time you speak. Good luck

[crispytoast]

"Set her straight" = let her know what is, and what is not, acceptable treatment of him. You take issue with the verbiage I used, not the concept.

 

She should gently, but firmly, tell him it's over. Yet she continues stringing him along, playing games and disrespecting him. He continues to tolerate it from her, yet quietly seethe about his mistreatment.

 

This situation bothers him. As such, he needs to set it straight.

I see the whole "set her straight" mentality a lot on this forum and it always leads to the same thing: the woman losing any remaining respect for her partner and the relationship slowly (or very quickly) being driven into the ground. If you need to set boundaries in your relationship, there is a significant imbalance of interest already and no amount of "setting her straight" is going to magically build attraction and respect. So you might as well skip the acting like a scorned child phase and just walk away.

[fromheart]

I would agree with this, but with a caveat: We also live in a culture where two incomes are required for the most part, and more women are going to college. So more women now than ever are focusing on career first, family second in their 20's.

 

True, an income is a necessity.

 

But if I were choosing a woman to have children with, I would need a woman who also has that as a priority and is in her childbirth years, and has worked on developing the skills necessary for it.

 

A 32 year old with an established corporate position but no relationship skills, is less likely to get those skills by 33 and give up the corporate ladder they've been climbing. That makes for a poor choice for motherhood. Established men then start looking at women from other cultures, that place a priority on family.

 

Not saying its right or wrong, but that's the way it is. The solution is hard to find, but young women in the west aren't being given the skills to find it.

 

In he context of this thread, I feel the OP's partner feels entitled to say what she wants, when she wants. While young that will work for her, 10 years from now she will be near invisible.

 

Girls are being brought up to be lippy and abrasive. To disrespect men and in some cases hate all men. The men (not randy boys) are then simply not choosing them, and those women will either partner up with a doormat or be middle aged and bitter.

 

If men want to be more than miserable boys in an adults body, they need to walk away from women who feel entitled, show no respect and in this case lacks basic empathy and communication skills.

[fromheart]

I see the whole "set her straight" mentality a lot on this forum and it always leads to the same thing: the woman losing any remaining respect for her partner and the relationship slowly (or very quickly) being driven into the ground. If you need to set boundaries in your relationship, there is a significant imbalance of interest already and no amount of "setting her straight" is going to magically build attraction and respect. So you might as well skip the acting like a scorned child phase and just walk away.

 

Thoroughly agree. Which is why I always say, dump her it will never get any better.