Maddie82 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 I had done it in the past. I told her I don't appreciate these kinds of jokes. So it's ok for you to joke like this but not her? Obviously things didn't go well and she was too defensive on the subject, she always does that, even if it is her fault. Because you have made a big deal out of nothing and made her feel bad when she meant nothing by it. The only thing I noticed was that her instagram album which is called #love and contains our photos together is still there. This is nice. This should tell you how much she genuinely loves you. I think I shouldn't pursue her at this moment and let her come back when she is ready, but I am not sure. Agreed. But i think you need to give her an apology too. You've blown nothing out of proportion.
d0nnivain Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 What would you do If you were me? I'm glad that today you told her that her comments were inappropriate. IMO it's OK for people in relationships to briefly look at somebody else & think that new person is hot but it's never OK to rub your partner's face in that sentiment by voicing such an opinion. Given her explanation I think she just wasn't thinking because she's not mature enough to remember words have consequences. In some backwards way she may have been trying to reaffirm that she is faithful to you or seeking validation from you that you find her hot. She's going about it wrong but don't discount her being insecure. Her choice to not speak in the face of the miscommunication is further evidence of immaturity & incompatibility. , I feel so worthless, I don't know what to do. You absolutely should not feel worthless. You did a lovely thing. . .have a gift delivered to your SO. If her reaction to that gift makes you feel worthless, then you need to reevaluate the relationship. When you do something nice for your SO, their response should put you on top of the world. Heck, my husband installed my licenses plates on my car yesterday & I was thrilled. If somebody isn't appreciative of the little things maybe you need to think about whether you are in the right relationship. 1
Poutrew Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 What would she have done if you made a sexually laden comment about that stacked blond cashier at the Wal Mart? I'd bet she wouldn't handle it well at all. Walk away from this one, OP. She's too high maintenance. Now is your opportunity... just go silent. Too bad you couldn't get back that necklace you wasted on her. Maybe exchange it for something really useful, like a night out dating a lady who'll actually be grateful you are her boyfriend... 2
Redhead14 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 After a year of dating, it's perfectly acceptable to let her know how that made you feel. Nip it in the bud. If after you let her know that it hurts you, she continues to do that, then you make another evaluation about the quality of your relationship. She should be concerned about your feelings but if you don't let her know what they are, she can't accommodate you if she's going to. She's not a mind-reader. As for whether or not you "should" feel hurt, the bottom line is that your feelings are your feelings and it's ok to express them in a respectful/informative way. "Hey, Xname. I don't have a problem with you eyeing other men and finding them attractive, but I would appreciate it if you didn't tell me about them. It kinda bugs me. I don't think you would appreciate it if I were to tell you about other women who I find attractive, right?" Can we agree to keep those things to ourselves? If she's dismissive of your feelings and/or minimizes them, you'll need to figure out whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you. Does she generally pay attention to your feelings about other things? 2
smackie9 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 OK you have addressed it, now let her come to you. If I were you I would cut out the gifts. If you decide to give a gift again do it in person. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 It's good you told her how it made you feel, and I agree you should now back off and let her come to you. Personally, I think it's better to be single than to be with someone who makes you feel disrespected and unappreciated. I think a good girlfriend would be expressive of thanks for the nice gift you gave, and certainly would not diminish the beauty of such a moment as she did. Hopefully she learns from this and adapts. 1
Author Samuel_22 Posted October 16, 2019 Author Posted October 16, 2019 Thank you all, it is good to have a community like this, there are things about which you can talk to no one, this community is a life saver, I was in so much pain just a couple of minutes ago, because I was not sure what to do, sometimes all you need is a little reassurance to make sure you are doing a right thing, I can't act like a doormat, I have told her what I want, in a kind, compassionate way, it is up to her to apply logic to it now, if she texts good, if not I am more than ready for grieving and moving on. 2
Gaeta Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 it was one of those hard days, and she knew I had to work all day. the gift was a Swarovski necklace and a box of chocolate I looked it up and those necklaces start at $100.00 And you sent these because she had a bad day? That's a bit much don't you think? I think there is an imbalance in your relationship, I see this as you trying way too much. She can comment all she wants about sexy dudes she knows you're not going anywhere. 3
smackie9 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Ya I thought it was a bit much. Sending her some inexpensive cheerful flowers or cookies maybe, but not a gift you would give on Valentines Day. I can see the imbalance. This girl doesn't appreciate you at all. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Yes, I see that point. A piece of jewelry is better-suited for a birthday, Christmas, or Valentine's Day. It seems you're a lot more invested in the relationship than she is. Maybe her commenting on the hot delivery guy was her not-so-subtle way of communicating this? I'm sure that must hurt, but it's better to know now than on down the line once you're married and kids are involved. 4
crispytoast Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 What would she have done if you made a sexually laden comment about that stacked blond cashier at the Wal Mart? Where are these Walmarts with stacked blonde cashiers that you're talking about? Around here it's all obese people and meth tweakers. 3
smackie9 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 off topic...one time in Walmart an old guy wearin a wife beater, started randomly trying on women's clothes in the middle of the store....women shoppers scattered, it was so funny. 1
mark clemson Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Methinks there are a LOT of stories that start out "One time in Walmart..." 2
Author Samuel_22 Posted October 16, 2019 Author Posted October 16, 2019 I looked it up and those necklaces start at $100.00 And you sent these because she had a bad day? That's a bit much don't you think? I think there is an imbalance in your relationship, I see this as you trying way too much. She can comment all she wants about sexy dudes she knows you're not going anywhere. Maybe you are right, but I bought a gift after a long time, maybe 3-4 months, maybe I went overboard, thought I would surprise her, well it seems I ended up surprising myself. 1
Author Samuel_22 Posted October 16, 2019 Author Posted October 16, 2019 Where are these Walmarts with stacked blonde cashiers that you're talking about? Around here it's all obese people and meth tweakers. :lmao: good one...
Versacehottie Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 I need to read all the responses so apologies if this has already been said. When I saw the title, I expected to find a story of someone overreacting or irrationally jealous. In context given, your girlfriend is lame. Sorry, it was rude and disrespectful to receive a gift from you via a delivery service and comment on the hotness of the guy. Probably can analyze lots of parts of the relationship to death but I'd be cautious of moving forward, i.e. marriage/living together/continuing a serious relationship, with someone so out of touch. Tone deaf, immature, possibly narcissistic, and definitely inconsiderate. I doubt this is a one time thing. Stop trying to win her over. She needs a dose of her own medicine, but frankly someone so inconsiderate would be OUT in my book. 2
Gaeta Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Maybe you are right, but I bought a gift after a long time, maybe 3-4 months, maybe I went overboard, thought I would surprise her, well it seems I ended up surprising myself. You are going overboard year round with these gifts. It's like you're afraid just 'YOU' isn't enough to keep her. A bad day at the office deserves a feet massage not a necklace/chocolate/delivery expense. Does she buys you +$100 gifts each 3 months? . 1
kendahke Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 (edited) she said. " and oh the biker!" I said, "what about him." she said, " aren't you afraid of their chatting me up ? " I was shocked, I asked to find out if there was a problem and she said, " no he was damn hot" and then I stopped texting as I was badly hurt. About an hour later I sent a message to reply to her messages she had sent during this one hour, she asked about the reason why I had not answered her messages, she was acting in a way as if she were clueless about what had gone by, and I said I didn't feel well, and then she started acting cold and we haven't talked since then. She is acting as if it is all my fault. she had done this before talking about actors and singers, and she knew that I didn't like it, though this time her talking about someone she actually met, struck me so bad. I still feel hurt and I don't know if I should initiate contact or what? I am both hurt and confused, I feel so worthless, I don't know what to do. Next time, if something bothers you, play the adult and speak up. Playing these "guess why I'm mad at you" games is passive aggressive and childish. There is no reason on earth why "I've made a simple request to you in the past not to comment on the looks of other men to me, and yet you still do it. It's given me some things to rethink. I'll get in touch with you later" couldn't have been said... and go have a good long think about the wisdom in remaining with someone who doesn't respect your feelings or the request you made to her to refrain from commenting. Edited October 16, 2019 by kendahke 4
rjc149 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 (edited) This is what's called a sh-t test. It's a slight or an insult intended to check your confidence and position in the relationship, and see how strong and secure you are. Women always test men for strength, some more than others, some more viciously than others. But they always test -- it's in their hard-wired biological nature to ensure their mate is still strong enough. It's like a periodic doctor's checkup to make sure you're still healthy. Most sh-t tests can be brushed off with a cocky smile and witty retort, to show that she didn't rattle you, that you're too cool and collected to be bothered by her. This was a little more caustic. In this instance, the proper way to handle this would be an *immediate* reply "Hey, that's pretty disrespectful, especially considering I'm trying to do something nice for you. Not cool." If she apologizes, then you drop it and move on. If she doesn't, says something like "why, are you jealous?" THEN you withdraw and cut communication for a little while. What you did was passive-aggressive and bitchy, like how a woman would react to this situation. As the man, you check her bad behavior IMMEDIATELY and if she doesn't correct it, withdraw, make it clear you're pissed, and don't re-engage her until she corrects her behavior. Edit: browsing other posts, I've gathered that you are a bit too needy, available, and doting on her with all the gift-giving. Hence why she's testing and why the tests are getting more rude. She's losing respect and attraction for you, this is the tell-tale signal. You need to reset this relationship dude and start being the man, or she'll be f--king the hot delivery guy next time. Edited October 16, 2019 by rjc149 1
fromheart Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 What would you do If you were me? I'd dump her on the spot. Unless you want an FWB. You can't emotionally invest with these sort of women, a long time ago I would waste valuable time trying.
fromheart Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 This is what's called a sh-t test. It's a slight or an insult intended to check your confidence and position in the relationship, To which I would dump her. Test passed.
frus69 Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 (edited) This is what's called a sh-t test. It's a slight or an insult intended to check your confidence and position in the relationship, and see how strong and secure you are. Women always test men for strength, some more than others, some more viciously than others. But they always test -- it's in their hard-wired biological nature to ensure their mate is still strong enough. It's like a periodic doctor's checkup to make sure you're still healthy. No good women will go out of her way to deliberately create a scene to test a man. The "test" we pull, is inviting the guy to an event and see if he gets along with our family and friends. And I'm sure men pull this sort of tests too. It's so not a gender thing. But this, unnecessarily, deliberately calling other men hot, is not that. If OP finds these sort of comments funny, then you can argue she's only bantering. But when he's uncomfortable yet she still does it? She's negging, whether intentional or unintentional, and she inserts her dominance by making him feel bad and call him insecure/petty, so to kill his self esteem and makes him stay. It's working isnt it? OP feels worthless now isnt he? But Im glad he realised that and decided not to be a doormat. A good partner will never make you feel bad about yourself. Edited October 17, 2019 by frus69 1
Gretchen12 Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 First of all, I have been in relationships where sometimes the guy points out a hot woman, I'd have a look and say oh yeah she IS hot! I don't feel disrespected at all. And I had boyfriend that joked he'd better not leave me alone with a hot guy. It's just teasing. So I don't see how commenting on hotness automatically means disrespect. Now there are situations where it really is disrespect, and if the OP feels so hurt, then it's one of those situations. If you set aside your hurt for a second, do you not see her comment can be kind of funny? The point isn't whether or not she's attracted to the delivery man. It's that YOU sent that guy to her. Humor often involves somebody's demise, especially when the person's action backfires. I guess you are not in a mood to laugh at yourself when you suspect she's not so crazy about you. I hope she does not come back to you because you seem to make each other very unhappy. And if she does come back, you'll probably reconcile but you'll both be miserable. She should return your gift before moving on. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 So I don't see how commenting on hotness automatically means disrespect. Now there are situations where it really is disrespect, and if the OP feels so hurt, then it's one of those situations. Perhaps not in and of itself, but have a look through his posting history on this relationship. It's not just about this one comment.
rjc149 Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 (edited) First of all, I have been in relationships where sometimes the guy points out a hot woman, I'd have a look and say oh yeah she IS hot! I don't feel disrespected at all. And I had boyfriend that joked he'd better not leave me alone with a hot guy. It's just teasing. I don’t think I’ve ever dated a girl who would buy me a gift, have it sent to me at work, and laugh it off when the first thing I told her was that the delivery girl was hot. And I would never think to do it in a moment like that, because it’s obviously disrespectful. I’m secure in my heterosexuality and my own attractiveness to recognize handsome men and not be bothered when my woman acknowledges them in front of me (certainly cannot say that’s the same for them when I acknowledge another woman’s attractiveness). However, in this context, it’s clearly inappropriate and it’s clearly being done as a sign of disrespect, to unseat him, indicating that her respect and attraction for him is waning. I’m not suggesting that he goes nuclear and turns this into a giant relationship-ending conflict. But she’s out of line and he needs to gently, but firmly, set her straight. Edited October 17, 2019 by rjc149 1
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