Samuel_22 Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Hi, I am having trouble figuring out if this is disrespectful or it is me who is being irrational. I really need a third person view to understand what is going on. I have been with this girl for about a year now, everything has been wonderful so far, there have been some ups and downs sure, but generally I presume there has been more good than bad in this relationship. Today I was at work and I decided to buy her a gift, as I was busy I decided to use a service like uber (online services for delivering goods) the guy came and I gave him the gift and he delivered it, and then she smsed me to thank me, then suddenly out of nowhere she said. " and oh the biker!" I said, "what about him." she said, " aren't you afraid of their chatting me up ? " I was shocked, I asked to find out if there was a problem and she said, " no he was damn hot" and then I stopped texting as I was badly hurt. About an hour later I sent a message to reply to her messages she had sent during this one hour, she asked about the reason why I had not answered her messages, she was acting in a way as if she were clueless about what had gone by, and I said I didn't feel well, and then she started acting cold and we haven't talked since then. She is acting as if it is all my fault. she had done this before talking about actors and singers, and she knew that I didn't like it, though this time her talking about someone she actually met, struck me so bad. I still feel hurt and I don't know if I should initiate contact or what? I am both hurt and confused, I feel so worthless, I don't know what to do.
mark clemson Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 If it's a one time thing IMO she's just in a good mood and noting he was good looking and feels secure enough about your relationship (apparently incorrectly?) to mention it. If she does this on some sort of regular basis, then no, that would be disrespectful. If it were me, and one time, I'd remain secure enough in my masculinity to let this slide. A high rate of repetition is a red flag, tho. 2
I'veseenbetterlol Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 No, you aren't overreacting. I had an ex that said similar things and that ended up really hurting me. It's unnecessary to tell your partner that other people are hot. Tell her how that made you feel. 1
mark clemson Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Actors and singers... hmm. Bit of a tough call, they are fair game for commentary in the world of today. I guess if it's bothering you, you should do a few things: - Strongly consider ending it with her as it's clear this is bothering you enough to damage the relationship and she doesn't understand that it's causing problems so is unlikely to stop - Develop a thicker skin so it bothers you LESS with future girls (easier said than done, but suggest you try) - As you find/date future girls, pay attention early on to how much they do this. Point it out and try to get her understanding early on (some women will "get" this better than others, naturally). Let her ability to be right for you in this area be one of your criteria for continuing the relationship. 1
Author Samuel_22 Posted October 15, 2019 Author Posted October 15, 2019 If it's a one time thing IMO she's just in a good mood and noting he was good looking and feels secure enough about your relationship (apparently incorrectly?) to mention it. If she does this on some sort of regular basis, then no, that would be disrespectful. If it were me, and one time, I'd remain secure enough in my masculinity to let this slide. A high rate of repetition is a red flag, tho. What does it have to do with masculinity? I mean just because we are men we are not allowed to get offended or hurt or anything else, we all feel attracted to other people, but we all have courtesy not to mention it to our partners, because in spite of that we still prefer to be with our partners, so value them more than these mundane things, mentioning it shows you have no interest or respect for the other person 2
ExpatInItaly Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 I have been with this girl for about a year now, everything has been wonderful so far, there have been some ups and downs sure, but generally I presume there has been more good than bad in this relationship. Are you sure about that? Your past threads paint quite a different picture. As recently as August, you were posting here about her telling you she didn't want to marry you. You also outlined how you felt disrespected by her during an outing with friends. I think this latest episode has triggered your insecurity that she is not on the same page as you. To be clear, I don't think most girls would comment to their boyfriends about how hot the delivery guy was - especially when he was there to deliver a gift from her boyfriend. It seems you need to step back and take a longer look at this relationship. Ask yourself if it's really wonderful, or if this is the story you tell yourself because facing the truth is too painful. 1
Author Samuel_22 Posted October 15, 2019 Author Posted October 15, 2019 Are you sure about that? Your past threads paint quite a different picture. As recently as August, you were posting here about her telling you she didn't want to marry you. You also outlined how you felt disrespected by her during an outing with friends. I think this latest episode has triggered your insecurity that she is not on the same page as you. To be clear, I don't think most girls would comment to their boyfriends about how hot the delivery guy was - especially when he was there to deliver a gift from her boyfriend. It seems you need to step back and take a longer look at this relationship. Ask yourself if it's really wonderful, or if this is the story you tell yourself because facing the truth is too painful. Thanks for your response, yeah as I outlined it there have been some ups and downs, but everything has been good since then, we were doing really well, we talked about the issues , worked them out, she has been very nice and caring since then. But yeah today with this one sentence everything came back to me.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 You had a gift delivered and she commented on how hot the delivery guy was? It doesn't get much more disrespectful and unappreciative than that. 7
Author Samuel_22 Posted October 15, 2019 Author Posted October 15, 2019 You had a gift delivered and she commented on how hot the delivery guy was? It doesn't get much more disrespectful and unappreciative than that. What would you do If you were me?
mark clemson Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 What does it have to do with masculinity? I mean just because we are men we are not allowed to get offended or hurt or anything else, we all feel attracted to other people, but we all have courtesy not to mention it to our partners, because in spite of that we still prefer to be with our partners, so value them more than these mundane things, mentioning it shows you have no interest or respect for the other person Certainly feel you are correct about courtesy and respect. IMO (which perhaps you don't happen to share) feeling secure in your masculinity makes you less likely to feel insecure about occasional references to the attractiveness of others. People sometimes speak without thinking of their impact on others and a couple spends a lot of time together, so believe this can happen "inadvertently" and with no malice or intended disrespect. To the extent you are saying that doing this regularly is inconsiderate and disrespectful of your partner, I wholeheartedly agree. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 What would you do If you were me? I don't know. I've dated guys in the past who made comments about other women, I hinted to them I didn't like it, and they stopped. But in the end, that kind of guy isn't for me. I'm sensitive and thoughtful and do best with men who are the same. I'm inclined to feel it's just not a good match. I think a woman who really cared about you and respected you wouldn't even do that. But I'm particular and still single, so I'm probably not the best person to give advice! 2
snowboy91 Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 What would you do If you were me? Tell her what you told us - how you felt about the situation. The unfortunate reality is that our partners are never the only person we will ever find attractive in our lives - most people feel insecure if their partner says something about it in front of them though. For me, the occasional off hand comment is fine (I know my partner will find other people attractive, but she chose me after all...), but being more obsessive about certain people is definitely not OK. If it was up to me I'd be inclined to see this as an off hand comment, but you're the one who feels uncomfortable with it, so you're entitled to express how you feel about it. 1
The Outlaw Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 It's disrespectful. And you could always try talking to her about it, but if you do, it will most likely go in one ear and out the other. Just try not to worry about it for now. 1
frus69 Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 I think she's negging you (emotional manipulation whereby she makes a deliberate flirtatious remark to another person to undermine your confidence and increase your need of her approval and ultimately manipulate you into sticking around) 2
Art_Critic Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 I think it depends on how you look at it, it does sound a little disrespectful but I don;t know what your relationship is like.. if you guys cut up a lot then it isn't so bad and you need to put your big boy pants on... My wife, kid and I watch a lot of baseball.. we watch the Braves and she is always commenting on how she could use a slice of Culberson...she will sometimes go ummm good... It doesn't hurt me, she is with me and he is just some guy on a sports team.. I normal give it back to her is some other way.. we cut up and smile about it... I think if there are other things your GF is doing to you that are disrespectful then take the hott guy comment as serious but if she was cutting up poking at you then it's time to look in the mirror and give her a break 1
MsJayne Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 No one needs to tell their partner that they think someone else is hot. It's disrespectful and mean-spirited, and as someone else mentioned, it's deliberately done to undermine you and make you feel inadequate and insecure. People who play juvenile mind-games always destroy their relationships, but there's usually no point discussing their behaviour with them because if they're stupid enough to do it then they're too stupid to understand how transparent they are. I'd reconsider being in a relationship with someone so immature and ignorant. 1
frus69 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 I think it depends on how you look at it, it does sound a little disrespectful but I don;t know what your relationship is like.. if you guys cut up a lot then it isn't so bad and you need to put your big boy pants on... My wife, kid and I watch a lot of baseball.. we watch the Braves and she is always commenting on how she could use a slice of Culberson...she will sometimes go ummm good... It doesn't hurt me, she is with me and he is just some guy on a sports team.. I normal give it back to her is some other way.. we cut up and smile about it... I think if there are other things your GF is doing to you that are disrespectful then take the hott guy comment as serious but if she was cutting up poking at you then it's time to look in the mirror and give her a break Difference is, your wife wouldnt keep saying that if you didnt like it. OP's GF does despite knowing he doesnt like it 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Thanks for your response, yeah as I outlined it there have been some ups and downs, but everything has been good since then, we were doing really well, we talked about the issues , worked them out, she has been very nice and caring since then. But yeah today with this one sentence everything came back to me. Evidently not. How did everything manage to work itself out in the span of just two months since your last thread? I think you are in denial about the long-term feasibility of this relationship. 1
elaine567 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 It was particularly disrespectful since the OP bought a gift and had it delivered... Of course she may have preferred that he had delivered the gift personally instead of "lazily" getting a courier... hence the "dig" at the OP. 1
Maddie82 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 I think this is being made out to be a much bigger deal than it actually is. If you are secure in your relationship and have full trust, then little comments about a hot delivery guy/girl, whatever, shouldn't mean anything. 2
beldar Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 She does not sound like a keeper. Let's face it. You already know why. The roving eye. 1
crispytoast Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Of course she may have preferred that he had delivered the gift personally instead of "lazily" getting a courier... hence the "dig" at the OP. This is what I thought. I'm curious, what was the gift? 2
Author Samuel_22 Posted October 16, 2019 Author Posted October 16, 2019 (edited) This is what I thought. I'm curious, what was the gift? Thank you all for sharing your wisdom, I don't think it is because of that, because I had done it in the past, it was one of those hard days, and she knew I had to work all day. the gift was a Swarovski necklace and a box of chocolate, but I don't think this can justify it either. I talked to her this morning since she had gone invisible from everywhere, no trace on whatsapp or instagram or anything, and I started to worry about her, I texted her. I told her that I found her comment disrespectful and she said by saying that he was hot she didn't want to disrespect me and it was a general comment and that she didn't mean she had feelings for the guy or anything, and I said I know that and I know she just said it for joking, but I don't appreciate these kinds of jokes. Obviously things didn't go well and she was too defensive on the subject, she always does that, even if it is her fault, she acts in a way to convince you that you are the one who is at fault. the last message was, "we can't understand each other, we'd better not talk. " and I replied, "OK" The only thing I noticed was that her instagram album which is called #love and contains our photos together is still there, but I don't know what the next step is. I think I shouldn't pursue her at this moment and let her come back when she is ready, but I am not sure. Edited October 16, 2019 by Samuel_22
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