Maddie82 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 I feel like she really likes me and if I told her I was in love she would say it back. Which is what makes this hard. I feel like I could make her happy and I want her to be happy. She's a great girl. But the cosmetic aspect is an issue for you. Nevermind the things that are actually actually important, like loyalty, kindness, personality etc, you can't fall in love because she doesn't wear enough make up 3
SumGuy Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 But the cosmetic aspect is an issue for you. Nevermind the things that are actually actually important, like loyalty, kindness, personality etc, you can't fall in love because she doesn't wear enough make up That sounds like pretty much it. She’s also attractive it seems and has a good body....it’s just how she dresses doesn’t do it for him. Sounds actually even more shallow than just going by looks, or a fetish. OP let her go, let her find someone who likes her for her, not for her clothes. 2
Author PhilHarper Posted October 16, 2019 Author Posted October 16, 2019 (edited) Why were you with her in the first place if you werent that attracted We met on Bumble. She only had one picture in her profile and it was from the chest up with half her face half covered by her hair. She was wearing makeup and looked relatively attractive. She said she only had one picture because she didn't want her classmates identifying her on a dating app. I was reluctant however and asked for more pictures before proceeding with a first date. She sent me her Instagram where I found a few more pictures, some of which were gorgeous. I found out at least a month after dating that she used a filter in those pics. Not the filter that changes color scale or image style. A filter that actually subtly adjusts your features to enhance your look. Apparently that's a thing now. So in a way I feel like I was a little misled. But I thought whatever. I'll go along with things. She has potential. Nice body, decent enough base features. She is from a developing country (the same country my parents were born and raised in (I was born in the US)). I've had friends from this same country who spent a few years in the US and completely transformed fashionwise. She's been here three years I thought maybe that could be her. I still kind of do. She's super smart, cultured and already very socially acclimated. As I said she's not opposed to fashion and makeup, just very slow to make the change because she doesn't fully realize that it matters to me, doesn't have a lot of money or a lot of time (she's currently getting a PhD). Ive resolved to be patient about it. I'll probably talk with her as someone suggested. And I'm definitely willing to contribute financially to the process (I already cover the lion's share of our expenses) . As I said I like so much about her, and she still does turn me on, and I enjoy treating her very well. It's just that I'm not "in love" yet. So I've been worried. Edited October 16, 2019 by PhilHarper
SumGuy Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 ... So in a way I feel like I was a little misled. But I thought whatever. I'll go along with things. She has potential. Nice body, decent enough base features. You have been seeing her and sleeping with her for 7 months, you can't use this excuse anymore. She is from a third world country (the same country my parents were born and raised in (I was born in the US) ). I've had friends from this same country who spent a few years in the US and completely transform fashionwise. She's been here three years I thought maybe that could be her. I still kind of do. She's already very socially acclimated. When you say here do you mean the US, UK, AU, just guessing as big English language countries. Can say in the US in the 21st century having your feelings towards someone be wrapped up in their fashion sense is not typical, or typically articulated because it is considered very shallow. I do see profiles (from women) who want a guy that dresses well, perhaps you should make that clear in yours. I'll go out on a limb that most women in the US don't want to go down a relationship road with a man to find out months later it is not working for him because of their clothes and make-up. As I said she's not opposed to fashion and makeup, just very slow to make the change because she doesn't fully realize that it matters to me, doesn't have a lot of money or a lot of time (she's currently getting a PhD). She doesn't fully realize it is because it matters to you in an amount most would consider inordinate, it is essentially a deal breaker for you (that's why you see yourself as being patient and not unreasonable) but it is not a deal breaker or even much of a big deal for most people in the US. Ive resolved to be patient about it. How magnanimous of you. Seriously, you should be grateful she puts up with being judged in this way. As I said I like so much about her, and she still does turn me on. It's just that I'm not "in love" yet. So I've been worried. I suspect you like her because she is fun, caring, there for you and has a good character, and she turns you on because she is attractive. Your lack of love may have nothing to do with her clothes. If it does, I can't see any woman of value accepting that for you to love her she needs to change and dress a certain way and wear makeup a certain way. It may be something easily done, that you'll pay for etc. That is not the point. The point is you place such value on a purely external, materialistic, nothing to do with her as a human being, thing that it calls into question your fundamental values. Fashion seems to be one of your core fundamental values, you should find a woman who feels the same. 4
Author PhilHarper Posted October 16, 2019 Author Posted October 16, 2019 (edited) How magnanimous of you. Seriously, you should be grateful she puts up with being judged in this way. Eh. Ive been judged this way in the past by an ex. Didn't much bother me. I'm grateful for the experience as my style upgrade has done wonders for me, largely responsible for my current gf's physical attraction to me I'd venture to say. After all she has repeatedly mentioned how handsome she finds me. That's not just an accident. And it's not like it goes one way. She's not shy to point out when my own style choice doesn't work in her eyes, or a bad haircut, or face cleanser not removing blackheads etc.. I don't mind it. I would say I love her. But I'm not "in love" with her, yet. I think there's a difference. The latter of which is more carnally based, imo. Finally I genuinely don't feel like my physical desires are unreasonable relative to most guys. Sorry. Edited October 16, 2019 by PhilHarper
Gaeta Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Finally I genuinely don't feel like my physical desires are unreasonable relative to most guys. Sorry. You'd be surprised. I am in my 3rd long term relationship and all my partners preferred me no make-up. Let that woman go. One day you'll find yourself admiring a woman in her old pj's with her hair messed up from the night and you'll think: my god this woman is so beautiful. You'll know then you're in love. . 3
mark clemson Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 I would say I love her. But I'm not "in love" with her, yet. I think there's a difference. The latter of which is more carnally based, imo. Possibly you need a little "chase" to get to that? Maybe this all happened so easily there was never a "need" for her that went unfulfilled long enough for the "in love" to occur. Sometimes some barriers to the relationship intensify one's feelings. I don't know your history, but perhaps that never happened? The "too easy" win that you therefore value less in your case (it would not matter for some)? Her "not bothering" is a good sign in the loyalty sense IMO. She has little interest in other men, having you, so makes no effort to draw male attention to herself. Consider asking her to dress up for date nights occasionally and take her "out on the town" a bit. This may satisfy your desire to be walking around with a hot babe on your arm, if that is what this is. If not, you will see her more often "gussied up" and this may help your issue.
kendahke Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Finally I genuinely don't feel like my physical desires are unreasonable relative to most guys. Sorry. they are when it involved trying to renovate someone who hasn't asked or isn't interested in being a renovation project. Stay in your lane. If you need arm candy for a girlfriend, you're with the wrong woman. 2
Maddie82 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Just let the poor girl go so she can find a guy that will genuinely appreciate her for who she is rather than for how much make up she wears. I feel bad for her being judged like this.
basil67 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Oh, please let the poor woman go. How insulting to be viewed as a fixer upper. If style and makeup is important to you, find a woman who enjoys it. Don't try and change someone who is perfectly happy as they are. 3
emeraldgreen Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Let her go. You sound like you should be dating models, male ones maybe. 3
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 OP, you’re just not that into her. Let her go. Seven months and not in love is a bad sign. It’s soon enough that you ought to be absolutely crazy about her and can’t get enough, but long enough that you know her well enough by now to have fallen in love if it were going to happen. You’re searching for a reason that’s fixable, like her style, as it means if you could just fix that you can stay with this nice great girl who has a lot of attributes you appreciate. But you just don’t feel it for her, and that’s okay. Many relationships end around this mark when the infatuation doesn’t grow into anything more, or you realise there wasn’t even enough infatuation to begin with. I sincerely doubt if she did glam up more it’d make any difference. I'm curious, though: how much of your money are you investing in her maintenance budget on a consistent basis? Are you going to fork over +$140 for glammed up hair every 4-6 weeks? Med spa visits every month to keep her skin in shape since she'll be troweling on the make up for you every day? Shopping sprees? I think this is a little unfair and exaggerated to make a point, to be honest. I’m a woman who likes to look my best and it doesn’t break the bank or involve spa trips or facials, and makeup doesn’t damage your skin if you’re not using something you’re allergic to and you remove it each night and use basic skincare (which can be extremely cheap). I spend £30 every eight weeks on colouring and cutting my hair, makeup I spend maybe £10 per month to replace essentials when I’ve ran out, never go for facials or spa treatments as they’re a waste of money in terms of tangible visible benefit, they’re generally only worth it if you value spending on the experience for relaxation’s sake. It doesn’t cost a bomb to wear nice clothes that suit you and fit your figure (I shop in cheaper stores, buy some stuff second hand), I live in dresses, leggings and boots which always look put together but are low effort, it takes five seconds to throw on some jewellery, ten minutes to blow dry and straighten my hair, and fifteen minutes daily on makeup (I wear a lot, tastefully done though imo!). I’ve been the same (daily shower, hair wash and style, makeup, perfume and accessories, nice clothes) my entire life whether I’ve been poor or better off or strapped for time or had plenty of free time, it’s just how I prefer to present myself and while my husband thinks I look just as hot bare faced in a hoodie and tracksuit bottoms I still wouldn’t like to leave the house looking ‘undone’ more than maybe once every couple weeks if I’m running for groceries for five minutes. It’s not like OP is expecting a beauty routine that costs a fortune! There are plenty of women out there OP who are more into dressing ‘up’ and doing more than the basic hygiene routine, though I suspect if you meet a woman you’re crazy about you probably won’t be as focused on this appearance issue anyway. 1
BC1980 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 If you're not in love in 7 months, it's not going to happen. Maybe it's the way she dresses. Maybe it isn't. The reason doesn't really matter. Sometimes there isn't one particular reason. I can see you're trying to come up with nit picky reasons in an attempt to explain this, but falling in love with someone just happens. You don't control it for the most part. 2
Redhead14 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Eh. Ive been judged this way in the past by an ex. Didn't much bother me. I'm grateful for the experience as my style upgrade has done wonders for me, largely responsible for my current gf's physical attraction to me I'd venture to say. After all she has repeatedly mentioned how handsome she finds me. That's not just an accident. And it's not like it goes one way. She's not shy to point out when my own style choice doesn't work in her eyes, or a bad haircut, or face cleanser not removing blackheads etc.. I don't mind it. I would say I love her. But I'm not "in love" with her, yet. I think there's a difference. The latter of which is more carnally based, imo. Finally I genuinely don't feel like my physical desires are unreasonable relative to most guys. Sorry. "In love" happens first . . . real love develops and grows with time and understanding of the person you're with. "In love" is more endorphin/hormone driven. I was married for 30 years, engaged to another man after that for 2 years (he passed away before the wedding) and I have been with my current SO for 5 years. I've been in love and still am in love, but that is not always at the forefront. Love is always there and getting stronger every day. I see my current SO to be as handsome as he was in the beginning when I look at him each day -- sometimes though I notice the bigger belly, less hair, etc. but it doesn't change how I feel about him one iota and I am still attracted to him. I am 60 and he's 66. We're having a great time together. Beauty is skin deep . . . it's what's underneath that counts the most and you see past the skin most of the time if it's right.
BaileyB Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 I was always very self conscious about my appearance, believing as you believe that a woman must look a certain way for a man to be attracted. And then, I met my partner. My love. And he loves me regardless of how I look, first thing in the morning, curly hair on a humid day, no makeup, wearing old pyjamas... it does not matter. It has been enlightening for me, to feel this kind of love from a man. If you don’t love this woman in this way, let her go. I personally would argue that whether she wears makeup or not matters less than whether she is a good person, a dedicated and hard worker, a loyal and loving partner, who makes you laugh and with whom you have a lot of fun. But, that’s just me. 2
newyorker11356 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 7 months and neither of you have told each other you love each other? You are wasting each others time, she is not the one for you, you would have known a long time ago. Some people don't say those words at the 7-month mark. That means nothing.
fromheart Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 In my experience, if you're not attracted to your gf without make up you're not really attracted to her. Your going to either need a woman who always wears make up, or one that you actually are attracted to. 1
basil67 Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 ten minutes to blow dry and straighten my hair, and fifteen minutes daily on makeup (I wear a lot, tastefully done though imo!). I’ve been the same (daily shower, hair wash and style, makeup, perfume and accessories, nice clothes) my entire life whether I’ve been poor or better off or strapped for time or had plenty of free time And this is a really good description of how different things work for different people. I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than do this on a daily basis, but for you, it's a thing which (I guess) you enjoy doing. The OP needs a girl like you. Not someone who has no interest in doing all of this. 1
BaileyB Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 Ugh, fifteen minutes a day doing makeup. That’s 105 minutes a week - over and hour and a half. That’s 5460 minutes a year - that’s 91 hours! Oh, all the things I could do with that time... To each their own, and I do wear makeup sometimes. But, I couldn’t imagine spending that much time applying makeup... but obviously, that’s just me.
chillii Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 they are when it involved trying to renovate someone who hasn't asked or isn't interested in being a renovation project. Stay in your lane. If you need arm candy for a girlfriend, you're with the wrong woman. Yaknow , l know women might think that , but it's nothing to do with it really , well wasn't for me anyway. l couldn't giva damn what anyone thought out and about. l may know where op is at , or maybe your right and he just wants arm candy. But for me there's clothes and looks l just love so much that if she didn't have it it was all kinds of turn offs yet the opposite was all kinds of turn ons. My woman , l even just love seeing her draws, my God the stuff in them , everything l love on a girl, even the colors alone in her draws . She just has and wears what l love , turns me on soooooo much. Funny enough though she often wears my clothes round the house and yards half the time, loves em, says they're all big and floppy and comfy.
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 Yes, I actively enjoy it! I find the process really creatively satisfying. Being able to subtly alter my appearance day to day depending on what I want to achieve, experimenting with different colours and textures, the confidence boost that comes from looking what I perceive to be my best, the fun I have reading reviews for products and trying them out or following online tutorials for different looks. I rarely do anything really ‘out there’ and have a standard daily face I then add stuff to or modify, but it’s a really fun process for me. The occasional day I can’t be bothered I just do the minimum or don’t wear any at all. You can add any daily routine up and times it by the number of days in a year and find it shocking, but in reality people make time for what they enjoy and prioritise it, fifteen minutes isn’t much. For a special occasion I can really take my time and spend up to an hour. Definitely agree it’s each to their own, and if someone doesn’t enjoy this stuff they should feel no pressure to do anything beyond basic hygiene. Neither is right or wrong, but OP’s preference for a woman who puts more time into her appearance means he doesn’t gel with this lady. Having said that I do think it’s more that he’s just not into her enough and this is the ‘reason’ he’s chosen to fixate on. 1
chillii Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 Although she doesn't wear make up , and l loveeee make up on her. When we go out she does though and my God the lippy alone , give me strength :bunny: 1
MsJayne Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 I had an ex try to "restyle" me. I realised what he was up to on a trip to Hong Kong, when he took me shopping and was suggesting clothes that I just wouldn't feel comfortable in. I'm a bit hippy and he was trying to turn me into a woman who wears slacks with ironed creases. I figured that next he'd be wanting me to get a middle-aged crash helmet hairstyle and a face full of pore-clogging make-up. I resented him for it, mainly because I had often wondered why the hell he felt he needed to wear a suit to go out to the mail box. It's called incompatibility 1
preraph Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 I love makeup. I love transforming myself. Nowadays I have a hard time standing on my knee long enough to put on the small amount of makeup I wear at age 68, so today I'm shopping for an LED lighted makeup mirror so I can sit down in the kitchen and put it on. You'll be glad you learned makeup after you're older because things happen you didn't anticipate. For example, I had expressive eyebrows but now I have practically no eyebrows and have to use makeup or I'd look really blank and expressionless. Strong eyebrows make you look more attentive and assertive. I regret that I can't wear strong lipstick anymore due to age lines. I'm glad i learned shading because now some days I have no color and just look drained. If she's not a makeup or dress person now, it's unlikely she ever will be and will be very bland looking when older, that's for sure. Youth looks great without makeup, but they're the only ones who do.
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