PhilHarper Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 I'm 34 male. She's 28 female. We've been dating for 7 months. In a relationship for 5. We live 5 to 10 minutes from each other and see each other about 4 to 5 nights a week. I think she's great. Very smart, hard working, cute, kind, cool, dependable, funny, quirky, open minded, trustworthy. We get along great. Disagreements are resolved pretty easily. I like being with her. I feel happier with her. She's very encouraging. However I don't have that passionate burning feeling as a part of being "in love". And after 7 months this is new for me. We both enjoy sex with each other, though often it can feel like maintenance sex as opposed to passionate, but we are both super busy with work and grad school. I think it all might stem from my questioning how attracted I am to her. She has a great body in my opinion and fine base features. But her style doesn't always do it for me. She doesn't wear much makeup. Her wardrobe is somewhat bland. No accessories. I don't think she heavily focuses on building a flattering look, or thinking it matters. I used to be that way but over the years I've worked pretty hard to develop my style. I think she has potential in that department, but I don't know if it's an excuse I'm using for why I'm not in love yet, or if it's something deeper. If I'm not in love by now, can that change? I'd hate to lose a girl as great as she is. I really enjoy being with her. But I'd also hate to go deeper into something that won't work long term. It's not fair to her.
Flame Aura Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 If you don't love her and have that passionate burning feeling after 7 months then it won't change in the future. You know exactly what you need to do. Find someone who you do have those feelings for because otherwise you will always be thinking 'what would it be like with someone I do have these feelings for'.
preraph Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 It doesn't sound like she's the one, although I have to say you place an awful lot of emphasis on how someone dresses considering during sex, you're usually not wearing clothes. Plus most women take makeup off at bedtime, so..... I mean, if it's this early and it already feels lackluster, unless you fear you can't find dates, maybe you need to move on. How does she feel? Is she in love or just cruising? 1
rjc149 Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 though often it can feel like maintenance sex as opposed to passionate I think it all might stem from my questioning how attracted I am to her. You're just not that into her. Most likely a shortcoming in her physical appeal to you, as you've alluded to, although shortcomings in her personality can also degrade the passion. The last thing you want to do is commit to a girl who checks all the boxes on paper, but you're just not in love with. That will just cause her pain and heartbreak down the road, and waste her time. Not fair to her.
TheFinalWord Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Men are visual. We fall in love with a woman based on her looks. It's superficial, but it's how men are. She can have all the other attributes in the world, but if you aren't physically attracted, you won't fall in love. You can't use logic to convince yourself that she is attractive to you. It's either there, or not. And you typically know in a few seconds. Why it's taking 7 months to figure out, is beyond me. Don't drag her through the holidays pretending to be happy, when you're not. Like you said, it's unfair to her and if you care about her, you won't want to damage her for the next guy...
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 This is really going to suck for her, because you already know you want out and are giving yourself ample time to get used to the idea of moving on. In the meantime, you're still reaping all the benefits of being in a relationship. She, on the other hand, will be totally blindsided and also feel betrayed because you never gave her a chance to work on the issue. 3
Author PhilHarper Posted October 15, 2019 Author Posted October 15, 2019 although I have to say you place an awful lot of emphasis on how someone dresses considering during sex, you're usually not wearing clothes. Plus most women take makeup off at bedtime, so..... Which is fine. But I think everything lingers. At least for me. The effect of a lovely outfit, look or style can last beyond the night. Ive thought about a red dress that an ex wore one time long after I'd seen her naked and makeupless. It always fed into her sex appeal to some degree. In addition to many elements of attractiveness I guess I do place an emphasis on looks. But it's not like I find her unnatracitve without makeup. I'm not looking for a knockout, but I do like experiencing my partner's pique glamor from time to time. 1
Redhead14 Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Which is fine. But I think everything lingers. At least for me. The effect of a lovely outfit, look or style can last beyond the night. Ive thought about a red dress that an ex wore one time long after I'd seen her naked and makeupless. It always fed into her sex appeal to some degree. In addition to many elements of attractiveness I guess I do place an emphasis on looks. But it's not like I find her unnatracitve without makeup. I'm not looking for a knockout, but I do like experiencing my partner's pique glamor from time to time. Maybe give her a reason to dress up more often . . . 3
Author PhilHarper Posted October 15, 2019 Author Posted October 15, 2019 This is really going to suck for her, because you already know you want out and are giving yourself ample time to get used to the idea of moving on. In the meantime, you're still reaping all the benefits of being in a relationship. She, on the other hand, will be totally blindsided and also feel betrayed because you never gave her a chance to work on the issue. My hope all along has been to work on that issue. I've mentioned it. Complemented her. I've come up with ideas. "I think you would look lovely in xyz..." I've taken her to operas and nice dinners to give her an excuse to dress up. We've gone to malls and I've mentioned things like makeup stylists. By her own admission shes not good at makeup. I plan on buying her a really nice peacoat this winter because she doesn't spend a lot on clothes. I feel like if I'm patient with her maybe she'll get the hint and develop a style in her own time on her terms. Because it's not like she's averse to it. She just doesn't quite get the value and isn't used to spending a lot on fashion.
Redhead14 Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Like take her some place dressy once a month. Then, make sure you compliment her makeup, hair, extra effort, etc. and how much you like it. 1
stillafool Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Looks are subjective so I think you haven't developed an emotional connection with this girl and that is why you haven't fallen in love. Let her go. She isn't the one. Style can be learned or corrected. Look how many women get with men who look like a dud but after she shows him what to wear he's all of a sudden a stud. 2
Author PhilHarper Posted October 15, 2019 Author Posted October 15, 2019 Look how many women get with men who look like a dud but after she shows him what to wear he's all of a sudden a stud. Kind of what I'm hoping for. Except in this case it's girl I'd like to be transformed.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 These days, since we've all been encouraged to package ourselves and develop our "personal brand" as though we're products, I think it's pretty easy to find a "stylish" partner. But all this: Very smart, hard working, cute, kind, cool, dependable, funny, quirky, open minded, trustworthy. We get along great. Disagreements are resolved pretty easily. I like being with her. I feel happier with her. She's very encouraging. ...is much harder to find. Have a talk with her and let her know how important the way she styles herself is to you. Be prepared for the fact that she might not take it well. In my 20s, I paid almost no attention to this kind of thing, truly did not understand how much it matters to a lot of men. It wasn't till about mid-30s that I began to understand the sad reality that people tend to treat you way better when you dress up and style yourself a certain way. 4
Author PhilHarper Posted October 15, 2019 Author Posted October 15, 2019 How does she feel? Is she in love or just cruising? I feel like she really likes me and if I told her I was in love she would say it back. Which is what makes this hard. I feel like I could make her happy and I want her to be happy. She's a great girl.
preraph Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Well, it just sounds like she's not interested in glamming out. I mean, she's never going to understand being dropped for this, but as a last resort, you could be really honest with her and tell her you're really visual and that the one thing you really miss with her is she doesn't dress up and wear makeup. I know men like women who dress like women instead of men. I think that's why when you see old couples still together, the old lady usually has on some colorful garb and jewelry and isn't wearing a hoodie and jeans. I get that. I guess I always preferred guys who dressed up some way too, though I"m not a suit and tie type person.
smackie9 Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 "She's a great girl......but I don't find her sexy, she looks bland, no emotional intense connection...I'm just going through the motions..." And it took you 7 months to figure this out?! Me personally if I don't have passion for someone after a few dates, they are out the door. I don't waste my time or their time. I did the wait and see...all I did was break their heart. 1
kendahke Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Well, to be fair, she's a grad student with a challenging course load, so dolling up every day probably isn't high on her financial priority list right now. But if you're not attracted to her enough to get over how she dresses, then you need to leave her alone and go find you some arm candy (who'll probably be dumb as a prairie post, treat you like crap, take your money and screw your best friend, but dang, she's hot, so no harm no foul) I'm curious, though: how much of your money are you investing in her maintenance budget on a consistent basis? Are you going to fork over +$140 for glammed up hair every 4-6 weeks? Med spa visits every month to keep her skin in shape since she'll be troweling on the make up for you every day? Shopping sprees? Have you put any of your money where your mouth is, or is this you just want her to flip into this fantasy character you find acceptable, since you don't find who/how she is acceptable? 5
Redhead14 Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 I feel like she really likes me and if I told her I was in love she would say it back. Which is what makes this hard. I feel like I could make her happy and I want her to be happy. She's a great girl. Take some quiet time and sit down by yourself and try to imagine yourself without her in your life . . . can you do that easily? I am not an advocate of trying to mold a dating partner into the vision you have in your head for a partner. If they do not naturally meet your dating needs and you are focusing on things that you want to be different and are things that are "hard-wired", I say move on. This girl is who she is, simple and laid back, so you need to love her for who she is, the way she is or you should move on. There was a Billy Joel song that came out years ago -- "I love you just the way you are". 3
mark clemson Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 You're 34. Are you perhaps expecting to feel the same level of intensity you did at 24? Everything was much newer then, so possibly you're expecting to be wow'd in a way that's not likely to happen any more except with a truly exceptional woman? (And even if you got her, there's no guarantee the R with this hypothetical woman would last.) I'm not saying this is the case, just asking the question. If it's the intense, addiction-like doting of limerence you're after you should realize that your brain adjusts to this and most people will only experience it a handful of times in a lifetime. I've heard that sometimes it's the lower intensity relationships that do better over the long haul. Something to consider. Just giving you some things to think about. 1
kendahke Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 There was a Billy Joel song that came out years ago -- "I love you just the way you are". He turned around and divorced her and married Christie Brinkley 4
Redhead14 Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 He turned around and divorced her and married Christie Brinkley And, then they divorced . . . so looks, no looks . . . there's more to it for sure.
Flame Aura Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 I feel like she really likes me and if I told her I was in love she would say it back. Which is what makes this hard. I feel like I could make her happy and I want her to be happy. She's a great girl. 7 months and neither of you have told each other you love each other? You are wasting each others time, she is not the one for you, you would have known a long time ago.
chillii Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 I feel like she really likes me and if I told her I was in love she would say it back. Which is what makes this hard. I feel like I could make her happy and I want her to be happy. She's a great girl. You didn't mention your happiness, you don't just make someone else happy it's 50 50 or your wasting your time . As far as her dress sense, do you think she's open? lt's gonna end up a big thing later if she's not or just doesn't have what it takes, well unless you truly love her then you'll over look it but that part sounds more convenient and iffy to me than real.
frus69 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Why were you with her in the first place if you werent that attracted 1
basil67 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 So her looks are low maintenance. Is her personality also low maintenance? If so, perhaps you'd prefer someone who brought a bit of drama with them. 1
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