Art_Critic Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 Now, if Claire was my daughter I'd know how to handle this. First off.. I like Mr Lucky's advice.. it fits how my mind would work... but... The quoted part struck me.. you are this child's Parent and she is your Daughter (to me foster is just a label)...so IMO even though Mr Lucky is spot on for me maybe you already know the answer for you. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 From what I've observed, the way a person dresses is a reflection of who they see themselves to be. In your place I'd quit focusing on what she wears and focus only on getting her emotionally healthy. Once she begins to heal, her clothing choices will change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 I like Mr Lucky's advice.. it fits how my mind would work... We should both be concerned ... You’re doing a great thing, gaeta. Agreed ... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted October 15, 2019 Author Share Posted October 15, 2019 The quoted part struck me.. you are this child's Parent and she is your Daughter (to me foster is just a label)...so IMO even though Mr Lucky is spot on for me maybe you already know the answer for you. Absolutely she is my daughter in my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted October 15, 2019 Author Share Posted October 15, 2019 Last night I asked her what she planned on wearing this morning. She had a reaction of discouragement. Gaeta it's so hard to pick something. I said ok, bring your hoodie and sweat pants in the washer we'll clean them for tomorrow. She was so thankful and promised she will make efforts to pick different clothes. One day at a time eh! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 Yes I offered we do that this week and she agreed. I have to find a way to confirm she is not changing after I leave for work. Tell her to send you a selfie from school. In the old days, you'd call the school counselor and have her check for you and maybe talk to her about it even. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 (edited) I disagree that just because she's 15, she knows how to dress or make choices. Not if she's had a neglected or rough life. If she had bad parenting, she doesn't KNOW any of this stuff and needs to be cheerfully guided through it. She clearly doesn't know what to do. That's the thing, kids with bad parents miss a lot of stuff other kids get, and this is one. She probably didn't even have structure. She needs structure, and needs to know there's a time for this and a time for that and how to dress properly for the occasion and when it's okay to be just comfy (around the house). I think she has not pushed you away, which is very good and unusual at her age. So take advantage of that kind of "neutral" way she's being and take it as she's open to learning and being guided by you. It only shows you care. You've got to stop asking her to do it herself. She isn't confident or knowledgeable enough to do that. You have to do it (the night before with her) and show her how for awhile. Edited October 15, 2019 by preraph 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted October 15, 2019 Author Share Posted October 15, 2019 The plan is one evening this week we will look at her closet together and she can try different pieces together and come up with kits she likes. That should eliminate 50% of the stress, the other 50% will be to actually wear the outfits. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 Good. Just let her know if it looks great but also if it doesn't look right because kids are brutal at school. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Penguin_hugs Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 This makes me so thankful I had a school uniform until aged 16 at school! It was funny- aged 16-18 at college- everyone seemed to make such an effort with outfits and then university happened and I spent 4 years in jeans, jumpers and hoodies! But then I'm from the UK and that is pretty common. I like the suggestion of trendier hoodies- she may be able to move away from the old clothes slowly- maybe a brighter colour hoody- starting to wear jeans etc. It's going to be a comfort thing- but maybe baby steps are what is needed? Also- what do the other kids wear? If they are also wearing hoodies and sweat pants then she won't want to stand out by wearing something different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted October 15, 2019 Author Share Posted October 15, 2019 Penguin: The other kids wear jeans and hoodies as well but not the same day after day. She has friends with more feminine style others more boyish. She gets told often at school she should be more feminine. You can always count on kids to point at each other's insecurity. She doesn't seem bothered by it though. She's a pretty girl and gets boy's attention. Funny cause even though she only wants to wear that old outfit, she takes great pride in her hair it has to be perfect every morning, she has a very good hygiene too. Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 Well, since other kids have noticed and mentioned her clothing choices, maybe she feels worried about the reactions she will get if she wears something else? You know, she's afraid it might be a big deal, that it will draw attention and more unnecessary comments on her wardrobe from her peers. It's scary to get out of your comfort zone, especially when you know you're going to have other people commenting on it. Buying her some more comfy and cute hoodies and sweats is not a bad idea - it will slowly get her out of the clothing rut that she's in, but without drawing too much attention. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 Maybe she didn’t have enough clothes to have choices growing up so now she struggles. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted October 16, 2019 Author Share Posted October 16, 2019 Good news, without me saying anything she dressed in her new clothes. A hoodie and a sweat pant still but they're new! yay! No indeed she didn't have a lot of clothes when she came to me and they were dated of many years. . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 You are going to have to stop buying her that type stuff to get her out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 Glad to hear she wore something new today, Gaeta! That’s progress. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 Good news, without me saying anything she dressed in her new clothes. A hoodie and a sweat pant still but they're new! yay! But is that what she had on when she got to school ? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 Even if she got changed later it’s really not so terrible. My friend’s daughter use to pack very skimpy clothes to change into after she left the house. I think that’s probably worse. Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 You are going to have to stop buying her that type stuff to get her out of it. Nothing wrong with wearing hoodies and sweats to school. If that's her style, she likes it and feels good in it, that's a perfectly appropriate clothing choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted October 17, 2019 Author Share Posted October 17, 2019 But is that what she had on when she got to school ? Mr. Lucky :eek: when I got home she did have on that old outfit..hhmmm, I didn't analyze it as I was late and needed to start dinner. . Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 Nothing wrong with wearing hoodies and sweats to school. If that's her style, she likes it and feels good in it, that's a perfectly appropriate clothing choice. I agree. I'd just buy her more hoodies and sweat pants - same style/brand, different colors. It's obviously what she feels the most comfortable in and as long as it is dress code appropriate I don't see the big deal. (Disclaimer: I'm so glad it's fall now because I can wear my hoodies every day ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 18, 2019 Share Posted October 18, 2019 In the past year I have purchased a lot of clothes for Claire. All clothes she picked herself online or during local shopping. I've notice she would still wear the same old clothes (a hoodie and sweat pants). I started asking 'what about all those nice clothes we bought, you can't wear the same clothes every day etc etc'. From there I thought I had noticed a change and saw her wearing different outfits in the morning........till Friday. I come home and as our usual she tells me with excitement about her day, she loves her school, friends, teachers by the way. She started showing me pictures of school art projects when I noticed she had on that old hoodie and sweat pants! I said Claire you've been lying to me? and she admitted yes that when I leave for work in morning she changes in her old clothes. Now, if Claire was my daughter I'd know how to handle this. I actually shared that concern with my adult daughter over the weekend and she said to throw the old clothes away just as I did when she was a teen. By the way it's the first school year with no uniforms, that's why it's a new problem this year. I was thinking of making like a menu, I'd have her create outfits with her new clothes and get her to mark on her calendar what will be outfit for Monday, and so on, is that viable? Do I hide the old hoodie and sweat pants before leaving for work? Or maybe I should just wash them every night and let her wear them? I am not too keen on that. Any suggestions would be welcome. She is 15. Very often, a young woman who has "body issues" or isn't happy with her looks, will wear baggy clothes so as not to attract attention . . . or the flipside, is endowed and doesn't appreciate stares or comments,doesn't want the attention. Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 Gaeta you sound like a good foster mother. Respect. It's good that you are letting her move at her own pace. I think this is 1000x better than trying to control her clothing choices. Things like throwing away her old clothes, or making her send you a selfie at school, or setting certain days she can dress one way or another, this will all backfire. She went through traumatic events at a pivotal stage in her life and she needs support and nurturing, not strictness and control. I like what another user said: help her with her emotional issues and the rest will fall into place. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted October 19, 2019 Author Share Posted October 19, 2019 To my amazement yesterday she wore new sweat pants and a turtle neck top !! She was happy to report to me that teachers and kids gave her lots of compliments. :-) there is hope! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emerald_11 Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 My daughter who is 14 wears the same jeans everyday. She will also wear the same t shirt and hoodie a few days in a row. She will not allow me to wash her jeans and will actually physically attack me if I try. She does smell and her teachers have noticed. I have been taking my daughter to counseling due to some traumatic events. Her therapist said to just simply point out opportunities for her to wash her clothes but to not do it for her. I did throw away a hoodie she was wearing everyday when she had misplaced it because it was so stained and ripped up I was so tired of seeing her wear it. I did not let her know I threw it away and she might think that she lost it. She then began wearing one of the new hoodies I had given her. Teenagers do use clothing as security blankets when they are going through difficult events. You are not alone my daughter does it too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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