Orije Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 Hey everyone on Loveshack it's been awhile, how are you? I'll try to sum up my situation as much as I can. I 25m am dating a 22w and it's only been 2 weeks. She goes to college and i work full time.Things have been going really well and we have connected from the start. We did rush things kind of fast into sex after the first date and she let me know she doesn't normally do that and she wanted to take things slow. She has come to my place, but she is waiting until i know her better before i go to her dorm and meet her roommates. We both talked and agreed we arent seeing other people, but we arent trying to rush into a relationship. We want to see if we are right for each other or not. We have been meeting up about 2 times a week and each time ends up with us talking and sex. Today she had asked if we can not have sex for awhile and just focus on emotional intimacy so we can really feel for each other. My question is what do I look for or ask when trying to establish emotional intimacy? I usually try to write down questions that pop up about her or things that could come up in a relationship to see where we stand on certain topics. Her replies are usually short and she doesnt ask any questions back. I feel bad when I havent talked to her in a bit because I ask "is there anything new youd like to ask or are curious about me?" I dont want to ruin this because things feel wonderful. What can i do to really connect with her? Thanks!
smackie9 Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 Stop worrying about having those deep conversations and just go out and have a good time with each other. If you can’t figure out how to emotionally connect with her.....you may not be enough into her. Emotional connection comes naturally, it’s not something you “come up with”. 2
basil67 Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 If you're not developing emotional intimacy while having sex, then you won't develop it without sex. The two things aren't mutually exclusive. 1
carhill Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 When two people mesh IMO emotional intimacy happens naturally. For myself it always occurred long before sex ever did. I couldn't imagine having sex without it, though I do realize plenty of people do. When it's right everything just fits. There's no real analysis at all. It's like a painting, not a picture. 2
Author Orije Posted October 14, 2019 Author Posted October 14, 2019 Oh thank you for the clarification! I do have dates and things planned out for us to do that'll have us engage more. We do connect really well it's just that we only spend about 6 hours together a week. We text a lot and have conversations, I would just like to be in person to connect more. I was going to bring up maybe talking on the phone instead if texting. I'm not sure if I'm just trying to rush things, but I'll slow down and enjoy the time together
Gretchen12 Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 Twice a week for two weeks is only 4 dates. You're still rushing by trying to establish emotional intimacy. It's not like "yes ma'am, one order of emotional intimacy coming up!" It is developed over some time, not by asking questions. When you are together, doing things, going places, show her that you care. It could be little things you do because you care, or it could be just being a good listener. Most important thing is to be yourself because you're stuck being that way if the relationship goes long term. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 Oh thank you for the clarification! I do have dates and things planned out for us to do that'll have us engage more. We do connect really well it's just that we only spend about 6 hours together a week. We text a lot and have conversations, I would just like to be in person to connect more. Well, you've only just met her, man. Give things a chance to grow. Two dates a week is fine. I think 6 hours a week is plenty given that you have known her for 14 days. As for phone calls, you don't need to ask to call her. Just go for it. See if she is responsive. The others here have already pointed out that emotional intimacy tends to build naturally, over time. It's not something you can really approach strategically, beyond planning dates and keeping communication open. Relax a bit. Don't worry about coming up with the "right" questions to ask her. Let conversation flow naturally. If she isn't talkative over text, don't stress it. Not everyone likes to use texting to have chats (myself included) Focus on having a great time together in person, and see where it takes you two. 1
Author Orije Posted October 15, 2019 Author Posted October 15, 2019 I felt something was wrong because her messaging was a lot shorter and I didnt hear from her for 13 hours. I assumed she was really busy with work and school. Tonight she messaged me and told me she would rather be friends and she felt we were moving too fast even though I was following her pace. She said our personalities didnt mesh well and that I'd make a great boyfriend or husband to someone one day. Just not her I had a good time and I didnt think it would hurt this much or that this would happen since things have been going well. I told her I cant be just friends with someone I had an emotional and physical connection with.
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 An article you and your gf might find interesting. It's something you could read together or separately and then discuss. Also, would be interesting for you and your gf to do your own research about how the timing of sexual activity in a relationship relates to quality of emotional intimacy a couple is able to grow in to. I've heard from multiple sources over the years that early sexuality in a R stunts emotional intimacy. Your gf maybe has just heard this or is possibly instinctively aware of it. https://ifstudies.org/blog/slow-but-sure-does-the-timing-of-sex-during-dating-matter/
Author Orije Posted October 15, 2019 Author Posted October 15, 2019 How does one not have high expectations when dating? Things seem to went well and I felt she might be the one that I can actually have a relationship with, but now that the dream is over i dont know why its painful.
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