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I'm in love with him, but I think I've blown it before we even got off the ground

UpInLights

By UpInLights
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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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It is possible your awful friend got tired of hearing that you were just fwb with him when she knew you were emotionally involved and decided to just test that. But still... avoid her.

I don't even know her that well! Shes old time school mates with a girl that I've been really good friends with since uni.

I think she's just a bit self absorbed tbh. But the fact that she didn't back down when she saw I was clearly rattled me makes me think shes just a bit of dick! :rolleyes:

 

And then I think I just got more upset because I felt like none of them really stuck up for me, all the 'oh she only meant this' or 'she only said it because of that', just made me pissed off at all of them really!

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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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It's not a lie. You are not exclusive no matter how you turn it around.

 

It's unecessary information. Just like telling your bf you slept with so and years ago. You were not exclusive but the info will still bother him.

 

If you tell him about the kiss it's selfish. You want to take this burden off your shoulders and put it on his. That's not loving someone.

 

Yeah okay, that makes me feel a bit better!

 

I guess I just do need to talk to him and gauge where his heads. Hopefully he wants the same thing I do for us.

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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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Spoke to him on FaceTime tonight but I didn’t think that was the time for any kind of serious conversation so I plan to talk to him tomorrow when I see him

 

...which means I’ve got tonight to stress over think about how to say what I want to say! :rolleyes: Why do I make things so hard! :rolleyes:

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Don't make it a big serious thing, keep it light. Don't ask him, just say something like: I am having such an amazing time I only want to be with you...something something. Then listen to what he says.

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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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Don't make it a big serious thing, keep it light. Don't ask him, just say something like: I am having such an amazing time I only want to be with you...something something. Then listen to what he says.

Do you reckon?

That’s kind of what I would like to do, but then I told myself maybe I was copping out. He’s always been so straight up with me, and so committed and I have made our relationship more difficult than maybe it needed to be and I feel like I just always expect him to just read my mind - and he does a great job a lot of the time, but it’s not really fair is it.

I feel like I shouldn’t put this on him, like I should man up and just tell him straight exactly how I feel and what I want.

 

But at the same time if try and coax it out of him softly softly then I guess I don’t have the worry so much of him not feeling the same

Shepp Established Member

Shepp

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So you’ve been exclusively with this guy for 5 months, while calling it not exclusive and not putting any labels on?

 

But youve had a change of heart?

 

What cause that though? The gradual shift in your relationship? Hearing that other girl (rudely) declare her interest in him? Or the kiss with this other dude?

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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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So you’ve been exclusively with this guy for 5 months, while calling it not exclusive and not putting any labels on?

 

But youve had a change of heart?

 

What cause that though? The gradual shift in your relationship? Hearing that other girl (rudely) declare her interest in him? Or the kiss with this other dude?

I guess.. all of the above!

 

The gradual shift in your relationship?

For sure! All of this is long overdue and deep down I've known that for a while. We still have loads of fun and do fun stuff, but there's another side to it now.. I feel so safe with him.

Simple truth is I'm in love with him, and I don't know when I first realised that but I've known if for a while. I've just been scared of ruining things because what we have now is so great so I've just tried to keep everything the same.

But like I say, we had cream tea with his nan the other day. I know that you don't do that if it's fwb.

 

Hearing that other girl (rudely) declare her interest in him?

Yeah, because being non exclusive is meant to be about having the freedom to pursue other people, yet I couldn't stand hearing her talk like that, and it makes me feel sick to imagine him with anyone else.

 

Or the kiss with this other dude?

Not on it's own, but maybe a little bit.. That guy wasn't a bad kisser, but he just wasn't my guy!

Every time he kisses me he always has the perfect balance of gentle but firm, he'll always put his hand on the back of my neck, and trace my jaw with his thumb or play with my hair. And then he'll just break into a cheesy grin because he can never stay serious, and I'll be like 'for gods sake' but it makes me laugh because he just looks low key adorable.

And this guy wasn't a bad kisser, i've had worse! But we were kissing, and he was kind of forcing my head into a weird position that wasn't very comfortable, and I just thought how my guy would never do that, he just so much more considerate and I thought how I'd rather be kissing him, and that I don't want to kiss anyone but him......and then I was struggling to recall the reasons I ever wanted to be non exclusive in the first place

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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But at the same time if try and coax it out of him softly softly then I guess I don’t have the worry so much of him not feeling the same

 

 

Welllll, I agree with the part that you made this relationship non-exclusive so you're the one telling him you'd like it exclusive.

fromheart Established Member

fromheart

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Well, your saying that you love him but you are kissing other men. Your actions don't suggest love, or a desire to be exclusive.

 

In all honesty, you are not ready for a relationship. A relationship gets very tough and how you deal with it defines the relationship.

 

Alcohol seems to be a part of your life, at the very least you should drink less. Take sometime to exercise, eat well. Do some self work and have a look at your personal issues.

 

This will help prepare you for the challenges of a relationship.

 

With this man you need to be honest as to what has happened, maybe he'll be ok with it. But be prepared, most men wouldn't tolerate this. Either wy, learn from it.

Maddie82 Established Member

Maddie82

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Well, your saying that you love him but you are kissing other men. Your actions don't suggest love, or a desire to be exclusive.

 

I agree with this. Will she kiss other guys every time she is mad at him?

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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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So I talked to him,

 

We'd been out for the day, went out on one of his friends boats with some of his mates, and then me and him went out for tapas, but I didn't feel like I could talk to him at any of those places, so then we got back to his, and I said I needed to talk to him and he was straight away like "ah, go on then, hit me with it. I knew you were being weird today".

 

I just said that I'd been thinking for quite a while now and that calling the relationship we have causal doesn't sound right, and it doesn't feel right either. That I'm not freaked out by the labels any more, I'm more scared of the lack of them. That I love him and that I want to throw all the non-exclusivity out the window.

 

He just shook his head, and I swear like you know when you can feel your heart beating so hard that it feels like its almost in your throat! He shook his head and was like "Do you believe in love at first sight Mia?" I told him I don't and he said "neither did I, and then I met you, at that party and you probably don't even remember it but I do, because I thought damn, your energy, your sheer presence! I thought maybe that was love.. but it wasn't even close, because we started hanging out and however much you called it casual, I was falling head over heels for you. I have waited so long for you to say what you just said, I should be ecstatic"

"But your're not?"

"No, because you're not telling me something, it's written all over your face! I know that! I just don't know what, or why"

 

So obviously I didn't have anytime to ask anyone else or decide what to say, so I just told him, what this girl said, that I got in a huff over it, and then I got all in my head, and then I kissed this bloke.

 

He asked me if it was just a kiss and I said it was, he asked me why I didn't just call him when I was upset and I said because I got all hurt over the fact he hadn't shown any pressure to make us exclusive - which I strongly added I don't believe to be on him at all, it was totally me fault, but that that was my mindset in that moment. Then he asked me my motivation for everything I'd said, did I have a change of heart or did I just feel bad and want to say sorry.

 

I said to him that when that girl started speaking about him like that i felt jealous, but more than that I realised that for a while now the thought of him being with anyone else made me feel sick, that's something I'd been trying to get my head around for a while. But then when i kissed that other lad, I realised that more than that, the thought of me being with anyone but him.. that makes me feel sick too.

He's the only one that I want to wake up next too, or go to sleep next to. He's the only one I want to spend the day putting up flat pack furniture with and the only one I want to jump when I see him doing DIY with his shirt off. Most importantly of all, he's the only one I can see a future with, I can picture 2.. 10.. 20.. 30 years with and I can see it, and it doesn't scare me. Him not being in my life scares me.

 

And then he was like "Okay... well ask me again" Which I didnt understand, and he said "ask me again, what you asked me before", so major cringe but basically I started to asked him again to be my boyfriend and he interrupted me laughing like "Its okay, you don't have to do it again, I just wanted to see if you would" and then he started being all stupid and came round the front of the sofa and got on one knee and was like '[my full name] would you please do me the greatest honor of agreeing to be my completely committed, very much exclusive, anything but casual, all-in girlfriend?"

 

To which obviously I said yes :love:

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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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Alcohol seems to be a part of your life, at the very least you should drink less. Take sometime to exercise, eat well. Do some self work and have a look at your personal issues.

 

Because I had a drink when I was out clubbing with the girls? That’s a bit dramatic, no?

dramallama Established Member

dramallama

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So I talked to him......

 

 

I *do* love a happy ending :D

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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spiritedaway2003 Established Member

spiritedaway2003

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He asked me if it was just a kiss and I said it was, he asked me why I didn't just call him when I was upset and I said because I got all hurt over the fact he hadn't shown any pressure to make us exclusive - which I strongly added I don't believe to be on him at all, it was totally me fault, but that that was my mindset in that moment.

 

I do love a good ending as well. And you were completely honest with him about that bloke's kiss, to boot. :)

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Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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findingnemo Established Member

findingnemo

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And then he was like "Okay... well ask me again" Which I didnt understand, and he said "ask me again, what you asked me before", so major cringe but basically I started to asked him again to be my boyfriend and he interrupted me laughing like "Its okay, you don't have to do it again, I just wanted to see if you would" and then he started being all stupid and came round the front of the sofa and got on one knee and was like '[my full name] would you please do me the greatest honor of agreeing to be my completely committed, very much exclusive, anything but casual, all-in girlfriend?"

 

To which obviously I said yes :love:

 

YES!:bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny: Fist pump! Life, love, people can be so unpredictable.

 

One thing I hope you know about yourself now is that you do not do grey areas. You felt so guilty about the kiss that it showed on your face. Or he knows you very very well. From the beginning you really wanted to tell him about that kiss. Most of us told you that it was no big deal and that telling him was a risk not worth taking. Going by his response to you, it seems that you two were in a relationship all along but were still calling it an FWB. He loves you!

 

Well, I am really happy that it worked out for both of you, UpInLights. I am sooo happy that I was wrong.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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I do love a good ending as well. And you were completely honest with him about that bloke's kiss, to boot. :)

 

Yeah for sure, I think that just proves how in my own head I got, I know the guy, I should have known that I could of been honest with him, but I got panicky.

 

 

YES!:bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny: Fist pump! Life, love, people can be so unpredictable.

That is very true!

 

Going by his response to you, it seems that you two were in a relationship all along but were still calling it an FWB. He loves you!

I think that's probably true..

I knew despite calling it not exclusive that we both weren't seeing other people.

I knew that FWB don't usually speak every day or cuddle on the couch with you when you're sick or drive an hour to come fix your car when you break down on the motorway.

I knew they definitely don't come with you to visit your mum in her nursing home ..or sit with you at the place you released lanterns for your big sister on the anniversary of 10 years to the day she went missing - I hardly ever talk to people about some of the things that have really defined my life thus far because if I did they'd feel sorry for me and I don't want that, I never have. Nevertheless there are times when I feel hit by an overwhelming sense of loss and of just being alone, like completely on my own, and since being with him, particularly the last couple of months, it's probably been the first time since I was about 15 that I haven't felt that, I guess I have felt 'loved' by him.

 

I know that I was the one that made our relationship what it was and asked for it to be just casual, but not because I'm a d*** or because I didn't like him that much, which I sure is the reasons that most people probably thought. It's just that if I'm in, I'm all in, I love really hard, and I don't want to let that happen when I don't know how much I can trust the person.

But he's proved 100% over he's worth trusting and he proved it again when I told him about that kiss.

 

I love him too.

And I reckon I'm pretty damn lucky to call him my boyfriend! :love:

 

Well, I am really happy that it worked out for both of you, UpInLights. I am sooo happy that I was wrong.

:D:D Thank you :love:

lana-banana Established Member

lana-banana

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I love a feel-good story :love: Let this be a lesson to everyone: when the feelings are mutual, and they're really strong, almost nothing will stand in your way. Of course a powerful spark alone can't keep a relationship healthy or strong, but when that spark is there---watch out!

 

Congratulations to you and enjoy your time on cloud nine! :bunny::bunny::bunny:

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Robbii Member

Robbii

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I knew they definitely don't come with you to visit your mum in her nursing home ..or sit with you at the place you released lanterns for your big sister on the anniversary of 10 years to the day she went missing - I hardly ever talk to people about some of the things that have really defined my life thus far because if I did they'd feel sorry for me and I don't want that, I never have. Nevertheless there are times when I feel hit by an overwhelming sense of loss and of just being alone, like completely on my own, and since being with him, particularly the last couple of months, it's probably been the first time since I was about 15 that I haven't felt that, I guess I have felt 'loved' by him.

Wow!!

I know that you don’t want anyone to ‘feel sorry for you’, but I must say I owe you an apology! ...

I go through life thinking that I’m a generally kind and non judgmental individual, but I scrolled through your thread previously and I confess I judged you! I though why is it that decent men, like you described him to be, go for girls like that..

 

I thank you for sharing such a personal part of your story, I can’t even imagine what it’s like to go through someone going missing, but certainly you just gave me a wake up call! After all you really do never know what battles other people are fighting, be kind!!

 

I really happy to read a happy ending to your romance, I wish you both the best of luck!

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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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I love a feel-good story :love: Let this be a lesson to everyone: when the feelings are mutual, and they're really strong, almost nothing will stand in your way. Of course a powerful spark alone can't keep a relationship healthy or strong, but when that spark is there---watch out!

 

Congratulations to you and enjoy your time on cloud nine! :bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

Thank you :love::love:

 

Wow!!

I know that you don’t want anyone to ‘feel sorry for you’, but I must say I owe you an apology! ...

I go through life thinking that I’m a generally kind and non judgmental individual, but I scrolled through your thread previously and I confess I judged you! I though why is it that decent men, like you described him to be, go for girls like that..

 

I thank you for sharing such a personal part of your story, I can’t even imagine what it’s like to go through someone going missing, but certainly you just gave me a wake up call! After all you really do never know what battles other people are fighting, be kind!!

 

I really happy to read a happy ending to your romance, I wish you both the best of luck!

 

Ha, that's okay, lifes life, I don't mind if you, or anybody else, judges me on my actions, because they are my actions. Fair play. Just because some things are ***** doesn't excuse you treating others badly and I don't think I've treated him badly, but since we met I probably haven't always been what he deserved. But I'm ready now! :love:

 

It's not really something I talk about a lot because there really is nothing anyone can say or do, so why make everyone feel uncomfortable by bringing it up, because that's what it does. Truth is I lost the two most important people in my life but I was denied the chance to grieve for either of them. I watched my mum deteriorate since I was 12 years old but my sister was my constant, my inspiration. She was 4 years older so she was a mix of my protector and my best friend. She always was and always will be my role model.

What people don't understand is.. it's the hope that kills you. I know that she isn't alive, I've known that for a long long time. I believe that entirely. Yet, still, bloody human nature won't ever let you quash that tiny tiny shred of hope you have that one day you're just going to get a phone call and an unbelievable explanation.. and it's that hope that just does you in, if you're not careful.

 

I'll never move on, I don't think that's possible, but I carry on, and that's what counts.

 

I think my problem was, I became so focused on not entering into this fools game of envisaging your future, and just living each day in the present that it kinda held me back. You can't build relationships that way. That's certainly what I did with him.

So it was a huge deal for me when I realised that I had started to envisage my future, with him in it. So subtlety and seamlessly that I didn't even realise I was doing it at first. He just chipped away at every wall I had up without even saying a word.

 

I really feel like I'm rambling but I guess in short, what i'm trying to say is, I'm the ultimate advocate of, if it's meant to be it'll be. You can't force it, and you can't fight it haha!

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