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I'm in love with him, but I think I've blown it before we even got off the ground

UpInLights

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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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Where to start!

I (25) met this lad (26) at a friends party about 5 months ago. I didn't remember a lot of that party but I did remember him being a lot of fun to be with, and how charismatic he was. He called me the next day and we met up the day after that.

 

Don't quite know what to write but I'm going to be brutally honest about myself here.. I've struggled with relationships ever since I was about 20, I don't know why really, I always put up a wall, I never really let anyone get close. I know that I'm doing it, but I still do it. I guess I do hide behind this good-time-charlie sort of vibe, which I'm not saying is an 'act' because I do like to have a good time, and be a bit of an adventure junkie and not to serious, but I don't really let anyone see any side other than that and yeah, there's probably only two people on the planet (my mum, and him) that wouldn't be surprised at me saying this but.. sometimes I feel insecure about who I am with all that stripped away, sometimes I feel like I need to be 'on' all the time in order for people to like me (and my god I hate how needy that sounds).

 

But that said hopefully it gives a little more understanding of why I told this guy that we could hang out, and I liked him, but I didn't want to be exclusive, I wanted to just keep it 'light' and fun.

 

He agreed. So that's what we did. Every time I saw him we just had a ball, we'd go jet skiing or to comedy clubs, he'd even be my plus one for work events, we went on a weekend away to Dublin. We just got on, always had such great chat, and he's also a bit of a dreamboat which doesn't hurt! :love:

 

Then we sort of had this like shift in dynamic a couple of months ago. He asked me one day why we can't just stay in and chill together. He said he 'loves all the fun we have but he wants to get to know the real me'. I actually said that sometimes I worry that's not enough. Which is HUGE for me to say. He was so sweet, like he is such a cornball, and I tease him but I kind of love it. Literally we just put his duvet on the couch and had an epic movie marathon, and I guess he does make me feel really like.. safe.

 

We still do loads of fun stuff but we'll also just spend time cooking, laying in his garden hammock or taking his dog out. We actually went wallpaper shopping the other day so I guess he must have mellowed me :rolleyes::lmao:

 

Anyway, I went 'out out' for one of my girl friends birthdays on Saturday. One of the girls in our group, I'm like less good friends with but shes a super old friend of one of my best friends so thats the link basically. Anyway, shes split up with her boyfriend and at one point in the night she started making comments about my guy, 'he's really my type', 'he's got such a great vibe' ...I was getting wound up, I guess I was jealous because I can't stand the thought of another girl with him, so I wasnt really saying much, but whatever I let it go, AND THEN she said "Mia do you reckon you would set us up?" (I always knew I there was a reason I didn't like the girl - this is it), I was like "What!!? How can you be so disrespectful!!?" and she said "I didn't think you'd have a problem, he's only your f*** buddy, if you were going to be more than that surely it would have happened by now", honestly, I was fummming! Then someone else was telling me to calm down because 'you do always say he's not your boyfriend'.

 

You know when you just know that you're about to cry, but I didn't want to cry in front of them so I just walked off instead.

Then I found myself at a bar, upset, and drinking and I just felt sh**, so then I got really mad at him because he's never asked me to go exclusive or be his girlfriend (which is SO STUPID! Because I've never asked him either, and this whole set up was my idea in the first place, so why would it be down to him) but in the moment that was how I felt.................and this guy was there and he asked me to dance and he bought be a drink and I kissed him.

 

...and I hate myself!

 

I just ruined everything. I've got this amazing guy who actually seems to understand me and I just screw it up!! I want to be exclusive, I want to tell him that, but now I also need to tell him that I've gone and kissed someone. How can I say that in the same sentence. What the hell would give me the right to ask for his loyalty while telling him that I clearly don't have any!!!

 

I love him. I'm in love with him. He's the only man that I've ever loved. And I want to tell him that but I'm just scared that that could be the end for us! What if he doesn't want to be exclusive? What if she's right, what if he'd of made it happen by now if it was what he wanted? And even if he does, what if he can't get over this kiss? What if I've blown the only chance I had?

 

I just don't know what to say to him!

Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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If you're not exclusive, you don't need to tell him of the kiss.

 

And what kind of kiss was it? In any case, why do you think you need to tell him? If you're exclusive, then yes, you violated the agreement, but there's no agreement here. That's why you were pissed and drinking at the bar in the first place.

 

Or am I missing something?

ajequals Established Member

ajequals

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just tell him the truth. about everything. even the drink (maybe cut back ). he sounds like he's into you... find out

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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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If you're not exclusive, you don't need to tell him of the kiss.

 

And what kind of kiss was it? In any case, why do you think you need to tell him? If you're exclusive, then yes, you violated the agreement, but there's no agreement here. That's why you were pissed and drinking at the bar in the first place.

 

Or am I missing something?

 

I was trying to tell myself that this morning ...but if it’s true, why do I feel so wracked with guilt!!!

 

Truth is that I know I said I wanted us to be exclusive, but whatever my friends think, I haven’t done anything with any other guy since mine and his very first date! I haven’t wanted to, he’s been the only guy I’ve had eyes for, and I’m almost certain he isn’t dating outside of us either. So it just does feel like I’ve betrayed his trust. Even though your right and whole situation started with me being pissed about the lack exclusivity. ....it’s all just a mess of my own creating really

preraph Established Member

preraph

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Don't even tell him you kissed someone. You have no obligation to do that. Don't do it just to unload it off your own shoulders. That would be instant sabotaging the relationship. It's your responsibility. You did it. Keep it to yourself.

 

As for your friend, tell her, Stay away from him. We are together. She sounds perfectly AWFUL and you don't need her in your life. Cut her out of your life.

 

So now tell the guy that you realized the other day how much you cared about him. Don't tell him about the jerk girlfriend -- he might go right after her! Just tell him you care about him. Sounds like he cares about you too. Tell him you might be ready to be his official exclusive girlfriend if he is ready.

 

Do not confess! And if one of those hyenas saw you kiss the guy and might tell him, then just deny it and say, Yeah, well, she's always trying to break people up. I danced with a guy. Hope she doesn't have photos. Get her out of your life.

Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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You didn't have sex with the guy.

 

Feeling tortured with guilt over a kiss, in a non-exclusive relationship, definitely chill.

 

The kiss will prove meaningless ... You're wasting time berating yourself over a kiss. Instead, figure out what's holding you back from pushing for the relationship you want. It ain't the kiss. The kiss is not the issue.

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snowboy91 Established Member

snowboy91

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Let's get back to the big picture. You really like the guy and you hang out with him a lot, but you haven't been on a proper date with him, let alone committed to a relationship with him in any way.

 

Therefore you are perfectly entitled to have whatever fun you like with other guys (out of whatever emotions are driving it). I understand you're worried what he might think, but if he gets upset at you for kissing another guy then that's on him - he's not in a relationship with you so he doesn't get to pass judgement.

 

It does seem like you really want to be with him though. What's stopping you from asking him out properly?

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Is that true? You haven't been on a date with this guy? Then how can you be in love with him? You love he's using you for sex? That's not a very high expectation for some guy to meet before you fall in love with him!

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You set the ground rules for your interactions with this guy. You point blank told him you didn't want to be exclusive. You don't get to be annoyed at him for not pushing the issue. All he did was respect your wishes.

 

In your shoes I'd tell him you have had a change of heart. Tell him you were out & this other girl started going on an on about how she wanted to date him & you found yourself getting jealous. Then you picked some destructive ways to suppress your jealousy which made everything worse. Now the whole experience has confirmed that you are ready to give the two of you a serious go & how does he feel about that. I bet he is thrilled that after 5 months you finally came to your senses.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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You're making a huge deal out of nothing. You did not betray anyone. The kiss was an eye opener for you it's that simple. Run to your guy and tell him you're in love and only want him. Then both walk toward the sunset hand in hand.

 

Your story sounds like any chick-flics we see on tv. Nothing wrong to it.

 

 

.

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crispytoast Established Member

crispytoast

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Hey, going jet skiing and out to comedy clubs are dates no matter how you want to frame it. FWBs tend to just sleep together and then keep going about their lives. So while you might not be exclusive, you're definitely something more than just fwb's.

 

Anyway, as a dude, I'm going to say don't tell him about the kiss. It's not really important because you aren't exclusive. With that being said, if you want to be exclusive, then do it. Maybe next time you hang out, do something a little more romantic like a nice dinner or something. At some point when the nights going well and the two of you are all lovey dovey, bring it up with him.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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Activity buddies don't get girlfriend perks.

 

A long as that jerk didn't see you kiss him (and no one who is in her camp saw you), say nothing. In fact, never engage in any action where the next day, you're in full self reproach mode.

 

I sure hope that that night was the last time in this life you deal with her.

 

But if you don't want to be indicted by what you pronounce publicly, then keep your business to yourself. While she is an a-hole for saying that in public in front of everyone, if you're going around pronouncing that you and this guy aren't in a relationship, then that means he's fair game and he's available. He can be your little friend and still have sex with someone else. Hanging out doing buddy activities is good for killing time, but if he wants a full on relationship, more than likely he isn't hanging his life on what you two do.

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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Truth is that I know I said I wanted us to be exclusive, but whatever my friends think, I haven’t done anything with any other guy since mine and his very first date! I haven’t wanted to, he’s been the only guy I’ve had eyes for, and I’m almost certain he isn’t dating outside of us either. So it just does feel like I’ve betrayed his trust. Even though your right and whole situation started with me being pissed about the lack exclusivity. ....it’s all just a mess of my own creating really

 

You're too busy sending out mixed messages.

 

Figure out what you want and head in that direction. Speak up to him about your feelings--otherwise, what's the point in having him around? To take up space?

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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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Don't even tell him you kissed someone. You have no obligation to do that. Don't do it just to unload it off your own shoulders. That would be instant sabotaging the relationship. It's your responsibility. You did it. Keep it to yourself.

On one had I completely get what you're saying. Yeah, in a perfect world i'd like to tell him, and him be like 'don't worry, it's okay, I love you', because you're righ tthen it's off my shoulders. But how is that remotly fair, it was my screw up so why should he need to make me feel better about it!!

 

But, the nagging voice in my head tells me by not telling him I'm kind of lying to him (indirectly maybe, but still lying). I know I said we're not exclusive, but my expereince is here in the UK people tend to find that hard to process, it's like fwb or implied exclusivity with not much in between. I wanted our realtionship to be this way, I didn't want the pressure, but truth be told I don't think he's ever in all that time so much as taken another girls number.

 

He's been more loyal to me than any guy ever has and he didn't even have to be! ...I feel like, I just think he would be hurt by the kiss thing

 

As for your friend, tell her, Stay away from him. We are together. She sounds perfectly AWFUL and you don't need her in your life. Cut her out of your life.

Yeah, I didn't even particuarly like the girl in the first place. Now I have no doubt about it!

...I probably shouldn't have let her get under my skin so much though.

 

So now tell the guy that you realized the other day how much you cared about him. Don't tell him about the jerk girlfriend -- he might go right after her! Just tell him you care about him. Sounds like he cares about you too. Tell him you might be ready to be his official exclusive girlfriend if he is ready.

Yeah! Thanks! Just need to deep a breath and do it I guess!!

 

Is that true? You haven't been on a date with this guy? Then how can you be in love with him? You love he's using you for sex? That's not a very high expectation for some guy to meet before you fall in love with him!

No, we've been on so many dates. We're not fwb, like I say I probably see him twice a week at the moment and he'll text me every morning and we'll chat and stuff. I don't know what it is but it's way more than fwb.

findingnemo Established Member

findingnemo

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The question I have is what exactly is freaking you out? Are you worried about what you are going to say to him? Or are you worried because you never planned on getting into a serious relationship and you have now discovered that your feelings about him sneaked up on you? Have you decided that you want to be exclusive with him and want that from him?

 

I think that you should tell him how you feel. Please leave out the business of kissing a guy and of that really horrible acquaintance asking if she can date your man. You can't in one breath tell him that you really like him and say that you discovered this by kissing someone else. Not relevant. It will just muddy the waters. You will owe him 100% information only after you have both agreed to be exclusive. Withholding that information is the right thing to do. Deal with the most important issue which is that you actually like this guy.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Well, that's what I thought was the impression I got. He seems to like you for more than just a fwb. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean he thinks you're "a keeper."

 

But listen to me: Do NOT tell him. Men can never forget it! It's their egos, but it's also them being judgy, and they cannot handle the truth about how many guys you had sex with or if you went from them to kissing someone else.

 

I'm telling you right now, if you DO this to unburden yourself, you are going to finish this relationship. He will never trust you again. If he thought you really liked him, he will be convinced you do not and it means nothing to you. You have got to stop even thinking about confessing this to him. If you do, that's you sabotaging the relationship because you want it to end.

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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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You didn't have sex with the guy.

 

Feeling tortured with guilt over a kiss, in a non-exclusive relationship, definitely chill.

No I do know that. I keep telling myself I haven't broken any rules.....but I can't help but feel like I'm lying to myself a little..

Like I say I said we're not exclusive, but my expereince is here in the UK people tend to find that hard to process, it's like fwb or implied exclusivity with not much in between. I wanted our realtionship to be this way, I didn't want the pressure, but truth be told I don't think he's ever in all that time so much as taken another girls number.

 

He's been more loyal to me than any guy ever has and he didn't even have to be! ...I feel like, I just think he would be hurt by the kiss thing

 

The kiss will prove meaningless ... You're wasting time berating yourself over a kiss. Instead, figure out what's holding you back from pushing for the relationship you want. It ain't the kiss. The kiss is not the issue.

 

It does seem like you really want to be with him though. What's stopping you from asking him out properly?

I don't know really...maybe truth is I was just a bit of a coward.

I put this limitation on our relationship from the word go because I thought keeping it casual, and not serious, meant I wouldn't get hurt.. I've never really let myself go all in. I know thats stupid, and If I was giving adivce to anyone else I'd tell them not to be dumb and to live in the moment and take risks. But I guess on the downlow I haven't always practiced what I preach.

 

I've never really fell hard for a guy (which is proably a bit my fault because I do keep walls up) but I just haven't, always been quite easy come, easy go. I didn't expect to fall for him like I have. I didn't expect that I'd feel so complete just laying on the sofa together watching, eatching Gavin and Stacey and eating doritoes, but I do and I feel like I can be this really stipped back version of myself around him and he still wants my company.

 

I feel like somehow he's just made me really soppy :laugh:

 

I am scared though, even though he's never given me any reason to be, Im scared that like he wouldn't feel the same or that i'd ruin what we have, so i've just never said anything and days become weeks and I didnt realise how bad I wanted more until, well until I was sitting at that bar

 

Therefore you are perfectly entitled to have whatever fun you like with other guys (out of whatever emotions are driving it). I understand you're worried what he might think, but if he gets upset at you for kissing another guy then that's on him - he's not in a relationship with you so he doesn't get to pass judgement.

Yeah yeah... I think i need to try and drum that into my head before I next see him

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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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You set the ground rules for your interactions with this guy. You point blank told him you didn't want to be exclusive. You don't get to be annoyed at him for not pushing the issue. All he did was respect your wishes.

Yeah I know that, I'm not annoyed at him. I was in that moment (but even then tbh it was just because it was easier to feel mad at him than to deal with the fact that I was sat there feeling a little sad and insecure). I know he hasn't done anything wrong.

 

In your shoes I'd tell him you have had a change of heart. Tell him you were out & this other girl started going on an on about how she wanted to date him & you found yourself getting jealous. Then you picked some destructive ways to suppress your jealousy which made everything worse. Now the whole experience has confirmed that you are ready to give the two of you a serious go & how does he feel about that. I bet he is thrilled that after 5 months you finally came to your senses.

I just worry that like, anything I say sounds like 'oh im telling you i love you because i've done this really stupid thing youre going to hate', i feel like it makes my feelings sound less authentic, even though it's not the case

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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But listen to me: Do NOT tell him. Men can never forget it! It's their egos, but it's also them being judgy, and they cannot handle the truth about how many guys you had sex with or if you went from them to kissing someone else.

I agree 100% with this. Do not tell him. Men aren't wired like us. We would like a man to come forward with that type of info and we would be impressed by his honesty......it doesn't work that way for men.

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Saracena Established Member

Saracena

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Another one here for NOT telling him about the kiss, since it was essentially a meaningless interaction when you were upset.

 

Apart from it being at a critical point in your relationship, have you thought about the fact he'll find it difficult to trust you from now on? Even if you explain the circumstances, he'll, most likely, not see it this way. It will niggle in the back of his mind from now on.

 

I fully understand your need to be honest with him but this is one occasion when staying silent is a far better option.

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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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Hey, going jet skiing and out to comedy clubs are dates no matter how you want to frame it. FWBs tend to just sleep together and then keep going about their lives. So while you might not be exclusive, you're definitely something more than just fwb's.

Haha I know. I think what we are has just become somewhat confused by not putting any proper labels on it.

I had cream tea with his gran the other week, you don't that with someone whos 'just fwb' :laugh:

 

Anyway, as a dude, I'm going to say don't tell him about the kiss. It's not really important because you aren't exclusive. With that being said, if you want to be exclusive, then do it. Maybe next time you hang out, do something a little more romantic like a nice dinner or something. At some point when the nights going well and the two of you are all lovey dovey, bring it up with him.
Yeah, I do know I need to talk to him next time, because I can't keep going just as we are, that became clear to me that night at the bar. Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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The question I have is what exactly is freaking you out? Are you worried about what you are going to say to him? Or are you worried because you never planned on getting into a serious relationship and you have now discovered that your feelings about him sneaked up on you? Have you decided that you want to be exclusive with him and want that from him?

Definetly the former, I'm totally worried about what I'm going to say to him, and I'm worried about what he's going to say back.

I'm worried that he might not feel the same, or that he'll get bored once the chase is gone...and objectivly I don't think thats true, but it plays in that little space at the back of my mind.

I'm, weirdly, not worried about the way I feel. Even though that maybe comes as a bit of surprise to me too! It definitely has snuck up on me but with him it just feels really right, it feels natural.

 

I think that you should tell him how you feel. Please leave out the business of kissing a guy and of that really horrible acquaintance asking if she can date your man. You can't in one breath tell him that you really like him and say that you discovered this by kissing someone else.

Yeah exactly!! This is 100% my issue! Just makes me look flaky as hell! This is what i've been stewing over!!

preraph Established Member

preraph

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It is possible your awful friend got tired of hearing that you were just fwb with him when she knew you were emotionally involved and decided to just test that. But still... avoid her.

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UpInLights Member

UpInLights

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Well, that's what I thought was the impression I got. He seems to like you for more than just a fwb. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean he thinks you're "a keeper."

No, and literally all of this, and all of me worrying over what to say and how to say it could be completely pointless because he might not feel the same!

 

 

 

 

But listen to me: Do NOT tell him. Men can never forget it! It's their egos, but it's also them being judgy, and they cannot handle the truth about how many guys you had sex with or if you went from them to kissing someone else.

 

I'm telling you right now, if you DO this to unburden yourself, you are going to finish this relationship. He will never trust you again. If he thought you really liked him, he will be convinced you do not and it means nothing to you. You have got to stop even thinking about confessing this to him. If you do, that's you sabotaging the relationship because you want it to end.

 

I agree 100% with this. Do not tell him. Men aren't wired like us. We would like a man to come forward with that type of info and we would be impressed by his honesty......it doesn't work that way for men.

 

Another one here for NOT telling him about the kiss, since it was essentially a meaningless interaction when you were upset.

 

Apart from it being at a critical point in your relationship, have you thought about the fact he'll find it difficult to trust you from now on? Even if you explain the circumstances, he'll, most likely, not see it this way. It will niggle in the back of his mind from now on.

 

I fully understand your need to be honest with him but this is one occasion when staying silent is a far better option.

 

Yeah okay I hear you guys, I do! You don't think that it makes me a terrible person to be starting a realtionship off with a half lie?

 

I get it though, I really do. I think he'd be hurt, but I don't think he's a man of ego and so we might be okay, but its the trust think that concerns me massivly!! You're right, I'm so worried that it will niggle at him, and that he'll think I'm untrustworthy, and that ultimatly it'll mean any realtionship we could have is dead before it even gets off the ground!

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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It's not a lie. You are not exclusive no matter how you turn it around.

 

It's unecessary information. Just like telling your bf you slept with so and years ago. You were not exclusive but the info will still bother him.

 

If you tell him about the kiss it's selfish. You want to take this burden off your shoulders and put it on his. That's not loving someone.

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