MindYourBusiness Posted October 13, 2019 Posted October 13, 2019 Hi guys, those of you who read my previous posts know that I don't have the best luck with relationships these days. I started seeing a guy who is from the same country as me, which was a great connection when you live abroad. Everything came super naturally, we spent a lot of time, nothing seemed forced, we have the same communication needs and I even met his mother. All of a sudden last week things go really bad. Apparently he has been having this huge fight with his mother for the pasts years. She is in the country right now and is staying with him. He seemed very stable when I met him . He took me out for great dates so I assumed his financial situation is stable as well. Now all of a sudden he tells me he will lose his job, he has to change apartments ( I think his mom has been financing a lot after all), he has to get rid of his car and he even talked about suicidal thoughts. I got him a therapist who he will see with his mom together tomorrow. Anyways, I have been trying to be supportive over the last few days and listened to him a lot and tried to give some advice. I let him stay with me for a few days so that things with his mom can calm down. During those days he went through crazy ups and downs with his emotions and he also took some of those out on me. He has not asked me at all how I am doing. When I told him he cannot be rude to that one person that is there to support him, he said thats just not how he operates. He didnt actively come up with solutions ( I offered many like downgrading to a smaller apartment, looking for a new fulltime job to be independent from his mom etc. ). Instead he kept beating himself up and got lost in a very dark emotional place. Now I feel like I basically fell for a person who doesnt even really exist. I almost feel like I have to fall all the way back but I am also worried about him. How should I go about things in this situation?
smackie9 Posted October 13, 2019 Posted October 13, 2019 run...... NO I MEAN RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN! 3
smackie9 Posted October 13, 2019 Posted October 13, 2019 Is he bipolar? Listen we are not psychoanalysts, we just give simple advice. Sure he has mental issues, but he needs to be diagnosed by a professional. And to be sure about this, you can't fix him. This is up to his mother to take the reins and help her son. If he is bi-polar, he will be sick all his life, there will be many many ups and down, narcissistic behavior that will be hurtful to others despite taking meds. My mother is bi-polar and even tho she's been in therapy for decades, she's still hurtful, and cray cray at times....emotional basket case....it's like walking on eggshells. Our relationship is still strained...she's in her 80's btw. 1
Author MindYourBusiness Posted October 13, 2019 Author Posted October 13, 2019 Listen we are not psychoanalysts, we just give simple advice. Sure he has mental issues, but he needs to be diagnosed by a professional. And to be sure about this, you can't fix him. This is up to his mother to take the reins and help her son. If he is bi-polar, he will be sick all his life, there will be many many ups and down, narcissistic behavior that will be hurtful to others despite taking meds. My mother is bi-polar and even tho she's been in therapy for decades, she's still hurtful, and cray cray at times....emotional basket case....it's like walking on eggshells. Our relationship is still strained...she's in her 80's btw. Thank you for your opinion. He is already in his 30s and his mother has been ignoring him the last few days so I feel very guilty for falling back .
preraph Posted October 13, 2019 Posted October 13, 2019 I would run. If you don't, you're going to end up being his mother. Like you said, he isn't taking anyone else into consideration here. He's having a meltdown for whatever reason. You're already acting a big like his mother, and that becomes not sexy real fast on both sides. Since he can't be civil to you, I'd tell him, Look, I'm going to leave you to sort out your problems because you're not fit to be civil to the people around you right now. 1
stillafool Posted October 13, 2019 Posted October 13, 2019 You've only been seeing him for what? 30 days? Just tell him it isn't working and run fast. You are taking on too much responsibility for someone who has only been dating for 30 days. They can find their own therapists. 2
chillii Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 (edited) Doesn't really make sense he has a job , unless he's in a lot of debt or something Have you only been seeing him 30 days ? A mother staying he hasn't seen a long time and it sounds shakey to boot, could do that to him for sure , but you don't know the whole story yet so who knows. Sounds like heaps of pressures you don't know about and now all this , new country, or a real nightmare of a mother, or all of the above but if what he said is true that's a lot of crap to hit you all in one go alone and who knows what else. There's probably some big crap going on at home to if the mothers rocked up and thrown all this at him, might be under pressure to move back home. Just throwing some things around that's all. Has he settled down again yet , how has he been since, any oligopolies and more details ? Edited October 14, 2019 by chillii
TheFinalWord Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 This guy has more red flags than a communist parade. Generally speaking, when men are not in a place where they are financially stable, they are not going to make good partners. A man's natural biological instinct is to be a provider. If he is unable to meet the most basic requirement of his role in the relationship, he will not be able to form a healthy relationship with you. Eventually, you will lose respect for him, if you don't cut it off now. As I said to another woman in a different thread, if I were him, I would have broken up with you and indicated that I would like to pick back up where things leave off once I get my life in order, if you were still available. But it sounds like you are going to have to be the man in this situation. I would tell him that you would like to keep seeing him after he gets his life in order. But at this point, you feel he needs to focus on getting his life in order. People can hide who they are for around 90 days. Some, people longer, but generally, you'll see red flags by then. Going forward, be careful getting too attached early on. Actively tell yourself to keep your emotions in check. It's okay, this is why you date, to find out about compatibility. Keep your chin up 1
Gaeta Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 When I told him he cannot be rude to that one person that is there to support him, he said thats just not how he operates. Well under your roof you decide how things operate!!! You've known him 1 month and he's treating you bad and telling you to suck it up cause he's not done treating you bad. End this right now if you don't want to be on the 6 o'clock news. You have bad luck with relationships maybe because you don't abort them when red flags are waving at you. . 1
chillii Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 Yeah , true, long story short treating you like that when your trying to support him, and so early in, no good. Not to mention all his crap.
snowboy91 Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Thank you for your opinion. He is already in his 30s and his mother has been ignoring him the last few days so I feel very guilty for falling back . If he's still in his 30s and relies on his mother in the way that he is, then that's a really bad sign. You're going to fall into that role sooner or later. I know you think it's cold, but you need to look after #1 and get out of there. You don't need to make him your responsibility.
mortensorchid Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 This guy sounds nuts. Best thing to do is to cut the bait now ASAP before you get hooked on one another. Say you don't feel that you are right for each other, so you're breaking it off. You'll be okay in the long run.
ajequals Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 nothing to feel guilty about. block his number and move on ..just another guy that loves to use women I suspect 1
kendahke Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 How should I go about things in this situation? Let him go work out his demons with his therapist. You've done all you're required to do. he went through crazy ups and downs with his emotions and he also took some of those out on me. When I told him he cannot be rude to that one person that is there to support him, he said thats just not how he operates. I'd have put him out on the spot and said "You're grown, so go work out your issues in your own time and in your own space. That's how I operate." and be done with his rude behind. Somewhere, he got the idea that it's ok to treat the people who care for him with contempt, and perhaps on some level he expects it from the women in his life, but that doesn't mean you're here to meet his expectations. 1
Author MindYourBusiness Posted October 18, 2019 Author Posted October 18, 2019 Just wanted to thank you guys for the advice and give you an update. When I started to pull back he asked me in a very rude way if I am on my period. I told him that behavior is unacceptable and he apologized. However, the fact that he is going through these crazy fights with his mother and talks about cutting her off, but then grabbing dinner with her and spending time with her shows me how unstable he is in his emotions and actions. I am pretty sure that he is a borderline personality after doing some research. Does any of you guys have experience with dating someone who has a borderline disorder ?
healing light Posted October 18, 2019 Posted October 18, 2019 Yes, I dated a borderline. But diagnosing this man is not important, what's important is the way he treats you and getting him out of your house before he has any kind of squatter's rights. He is clearly unstable and disrespectful--the reason why doesn't matter. It will just delay you from breaking up with him. This is someone who should be on their BEST behavior and he's already accusing you of being on th rag, has shown he doesn't give a crap about how you feel or how he speaks to you, etc. If you love drama and extreme ups and downs, continue seeing him. If you don't feel like being dragged through a toxic mess, cut him loose. And get him out of your house ASAP. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 20, 2019 Posted October 20, 2019 If he's still in his 30s and relies on his mother in the way that he is, then that's a really bad sign. You're going to fall into that role sooner or later. I know you think it's cold, but you need to look after #1 and get out of there. You don't need to make him your responsibility. I agree. This guy isn't mature enough or mentally healthy enough for a good relationship. I notice you took a mothering role very early on. I used to have that tendency myself, being naturally nurturing. But it won't be long before you're longing for a man who doesn't need a woman to sort out these matters for him. 1
fromheart Posted October 20, 2019 Posted October 20, 2019 He's taking it out on you, he has to go. If that hadn't have happened I would have said give it a chance. 1
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2019 Posted October 20, 2019 Good lord. You've only been seeing him for 30 days? He's not your boyfriend. He's not anything to you. You don't owe him a doggoned thing and should not be offering support to him beyond a pat on the hand and "I'm sorry you're having such difficulties". The conversation goes like this: "I'm sorry Xname, I don't think we should see each other anymore. You have a lot on your plate and I wish you all the best". 1
Author MindYourBusiness Posted October 24, 2019 Author Posted October 24, 2019 Okay, so of course I didn't listen to all the advice and gave him a chance. It went okay for 10 days and we took some space for him to figure out certain things. It looks like he has a job secured now and his mom is buying him a house ( I know, a very drastic change in her behavior too). After one week of not seeing each other, we went out on a date to celebrate one of my job accomplishments. Everything was fine, he focused on me, asked a lot of questions and seemed very stable overall. Now a few days later I had to talk to him about him rearranging dates with me a lot lately. I had a very bad day today and had to go to the hospital because of some injury so I was already worked up and got intense when he wouldn't tell me a day where he is free. When I last saw him he told me he would like to spend more time again so I tried to figure out a day that works for both of us. Long story short, he called me and asked me why I am being so intense and asking for days and that he feels like he is booking a flight. He got so upset that he unfollowed me on social media after I told him that I am not interested in a relationship where arranging dates is so much drama and apparently costs him so much of his energy. We spoke on the phone after that for a while and I tried to explain myself. However, all of a sudden he starts telling me stuff like that he barely knows me, that I am too intense and dramatic ( he confirmed though that this was the only time he has seen that kind of behavior in me and I apologized). I just feel like our relationship just took a very drastic turn again after things seemed to be going to be ok. I would just like to hear from you all if you think I was too intense and if you agree that it is insensitive of him to all of the sudden to say that he barely knows me and doesnt owe me anything. .. I am extremely hurt and confused by his words
Legatus Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 It will keep happening a lot. The ups and the downs. Few days or weeks on the high and then he will retreat to the low as soon as you do something that doesn't suit him, even though you are being perfectly reasonable with what and how you're treating him. If anything you should see that the changes he has to make is not just about his job or a house. Those are material and though they help us to get our ground, he has so much to work on under his hood. He might use you as a springboard to get out his anger and frustrations caused by anything. Be it his mam, the job, or who knows what else? 1
Author MindYourBusiness Posted October 24, 2019 Author Posted October 24, 2019 Yes, his mother was definitely paying for basically everything and I think she still does. One time when I was with him he got very upset because she put a limit on his credit card so that he would have to communicate with her. He is 33! I am five years younger than him and yesterday on the phone he also patronized me and told me that he has so much experience and he sees the red flags in my behavior ( when I called him out on canceling on me and being more sensitive than usual because I was in the freaking hospital!). There is one loving and charming side that I really lover about this guy. We are both from Europe so we initially had this great connection which is very nice when you live far from home on another continent. I really don't know what it is with his and behavior. I wonder if it's just a combination of immaturity, arrogance and a personality with not so good sides, or if he's really borderline or bipolar. I did not appreciate at all that he kept talking to me in a raised voice when I was crying at the phone because he said so many things that I felt were incredibly insensitive. He said stuff like: - he barely knows me ( we have been seeing each other for 1,5 month and spent A LOT of time together. I even met his mom) - He sees reflags in my behavior and compared that to his ex - He thinks it is normal that he still has stuff at his place from his ex - He thinks we are on different pages and want different things (came out of nowhere) - I am too intense and dramatic and he doesn't want to plan dates in advance. Quote: I got stuff to do and when I am busy I am busy and when I am free I am free. ... He doesn't even work fulltime these days. Ugh! What should I do now?
Legatus Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 You know what you should do. Come on, say it with me... 1
smackie9 Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 run...... NO I MEAN RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN! Again I recommend this^^^^ 1
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