RdSox Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 (edited) I have been dating a guy for about a year now and is about 7 years older than I am (30 vs 36) and he lived an hour away. We talked for over a month before dating and six months before he moved in. While in the beginning stages before dating, intimacy and was talked about openly and said that he wanted to wait to do anything until we dated. We even discussed preferences to be compatible. He would even bring up intimacy conversations so it wasn’t a one-way conversation. Ever since we started dating, the conversation roadblocked. Nothing has happened except kissing and I have to be the one to initiate it. I asked him about it four months into the relationship out of concern or if I did something wrong which caused a big blowup saying how I should find someone else if I was just interested in sex (we are both conservative in that aspect and don’t fit the LGBT stereotype at all). I let it go and ever since then, whenever I touch on the subject it either starts a fight or an excuse was made or he makes me feel like I’m some weirdo who thinks it’s weird we haven’t been intimate (more than kissing) for a year now. He says that being physical is not part of a relationship which I feel is physical attraction is part of it but shouldn’t make the entirety. I then found out that the things he told me he likes doing he doesn’t really and puts me in a weird spot. He now works nights and I work days so we really only get to spend time together on weekends. Do you have any advice on what I should do or how to handle this? I love him but at the same time I feel getting trapped in a relationship that is essentially platonic isn’t fair. Edited October 12, 2019 by RdSox
basil67 Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 He's asexual or gay. Having conservative beliefs doesn't mean that one can't be sexually diverse. If anything, the fear of being gay makes him more likely to not question his own sexuality and just carry on doing what he's doing. It sounds like he lives in your place. Is this correct? If so, I'd breakup with him on the grounds that he's not meeting your needs. Ask him to leave.
FMW Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 I think OP is also a guy, so that probably leaves it as asexual. It seems you are living together, right? So there's nothing weird about you expecting something sexual if you engage in kissing, he clearly knows you aren't looking for a platonic relationship If things don't change very soon, I would tell him it's not working out and end the relationship.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 Something is wrong ... you are right to have the reaction you are having. The red flag isn't the lack of sex. Couples can agree to be very affectionate without sex, if that's what they want. The red flag is the discomfort and strange reaction he has when you talk about sex. Full stop. You don't need to know the reason why he's acting as he does--you know that this isn't a happy relationship for you. So don't get lost in the reasons ... you can spend a lifetime figuring out reasons ... He could have trauma around sex ... could have some deep body shame. Or could simply not be that physically attracted to you ... I'm sure there are other possibilities--none of which change overnight. You have had conversations--he reacts strangely. I would say this isn't going to work for you. Something is really off. FYI: the risk you run in staying together is learning later that he's seeing someone else ... or learning that he's not physically attracted to you ...
Art_Critic Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 Yikes.. he is telling you that sex will never happen with him.. ever.. If so, I'd breakup with him on the grounds that he's not meeting your needs. Ask him to leave. I agree and do yourself a favor and don't take any "deals" he is going to try and make to keep you.. even if he started having sex he will quit later on.. Bait and switch isn't what you need..
Author RdSox Posted October 13, 2019 Author Posted October 13, 2019 To clarify, we are both guys (LGBT relationship)
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2019 Posted October 13, 2019 Is it possible he's not gay. Was he in relationships with men before?
Ami1uwant Posted October 13, 2019 Posted October 13, 2019 To clarify, we are both guys (LGBT relationship) My thoughts... He is either asexual or isn’t 100% sure about an intimate relationship. Have you talked to him about his sexuality and experience? Maybe he still is a virgin.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 13, 2019 Posted October 13, 2019 As others have already speculated, he could indeed be asexual. Or, he could be using you for a place to live and has never had romantic feelings for you. Either way, I would be done. I would not even entertain the idea of continuing a relationship with someone who is almost completely averse to physical intimacy, and directly told me it's not part of a relationship. He isn't planning on taking this to the next level, ever. You are roommates, but you're not lovers. I don't see that changing. From my point of view, there really is nothing more to talk about or work on. This is significant incompatibility on a very fundamental level.
Author RdSox Posted October 13, 2019 Author Posted October 13, 2019 Thanks everyone. What’s strange is that I know he’s not using me; I’m close with his family, he talks about long term being together, has every aspect of being a future spouse, we get along great and have a good time together, it’s just this one roadblock. He even talks about this situation with his close friends (he and his friends joke about saying he’s afraid of it (size-wise). He’s not a Virgin and I think there’s something in the past that he doesn’t want to talk about which you all have hinted on. I’m going to have a close friend of his talk to him and see if there’s anything I’m missing because she even said that is strange.
smackie9 Posted October 13, 2019 Posted October 13, 2019 This is why we "date" people....to find out what they are like, how they relate to us and how they treat us. This guy doesn't cut it, he has issues. You can sit around and have us analyze this all day long, but that doesn't change the outcome. You need to breakup. It's over.
preraph Posted October 13, 2019 Posted October 13, 2019 He's one of these things and his religion may only be the thing he found to rationalize it: asexual gay molested as a child and fear of sex mentally ill Or a combination.
vv3469802 Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 If you looked a guy which could give your unforgettable sex - you definitely made mistake:)
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