ExpatInItaly Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 See, Hispanic cultures do a lot of hugging, one reason for the skepticism. Let me know what cultures you know of that aren't of that world. I'll bite. Where I currently live, hugging someone you have just spent a few hours with - for the first time - is not the norm. Body-to-body contact through a hug is something that happens between closer friends and loved ones. It would indeed be strange after a night with a stranger in which there hadn't been other physical contact already. A light kiss on each cheek is a common greeting, however, and would be acceptable after a first date. Not too put too fine a point on it, but your world most definitely doesn't encompass cultural norms in all others' worlds. Don't make the mistake of assuming what's common for you should be common for everyone else and get your back up about it too quickly. In any case, since she evidently wasn't too turned off by the sneaky kiss, I wouldn't stress it much. She is obviously still interested. See how the date goes and take her lead on physical contact. She likes you. 1
chillii Posted October 13, 2019 Posted October 13, 2019 See, Hispanic cultures do a lot of hugging, one reason for the skepticism. Let me know what cultures you know of that aren't of that world. You kidding , waste of my time matey, just worry about her for now.
chillii Posted October 13, 2019 Posted October 13, 2019 I'm not very good at female psychology...this girl initiated contact with me online, I arranged our date, seemed to go well but she refused to hug after the date. Ever since the date, every day, (it's been 9 days), I'll get a good morning and goodnight text, with occasional texts in between. The texts aren't flirty, they'e like good morning, have a great day, sweet dreams, just basic niceties. Also, if this has something to do with it, she's been divorced for a number of years, from another country and has been in the U.S. for about 12 years. Also I was the only one from the dating site she pursued and I don't think she has dated in a long time. I arranged another date for next week but I'm assuming any touching is off limits. How would one proceed, what could her mindset be? Of course there isn't yet , what do you think the kiss on the cheeks about, time. Just do what smackie said. 1
Author cre8r Posted October 16, 2019 Author Posted October 16, 2019 So the 2nd date is under the belt and if you think attempting a first kiss could be awkward (which wasn't attempted), try a high-five. Anyway during this 2nd date, I thought some of the discussion could be about what we're both looking for. I brought up the hugging issue to understand her mindset. Still at this point, she feels we need to know each other better. She said I could help her improve her English and her have me improve my Spanish, so she said "Deal?" Although from saying that, it seems she wants this relationship prolonged, on the other hand it feels like manipulation of some sort. I just now got a text saying she just got home, thanks for a beautiful night, I like you. At this point I don't understand the harm a simple hug could be if you're honestly attracted to someone. I find it more logical to not hug someone you're not attracted to. My instinct is to get out now. Has anyone had a situation like this?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 I have never heard of someone being so hug-averse. It is definitely unusual. 1
jspice Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Not everyone likes to hug. I don’t but people who are huggers feel like their need to get all up in my personal space trumps mine for distance. A kiss on the cheek is far less intrusive. It’s a quick peck. People I’ve just met tell me “I’m a hugger” and then proceed to pull me in. It’s irritating. When this woman tried to peck you on the cheek, you turned into a hormonal teenager and tried to trick her into kissing you. Why on earth would she get so close as to hug next time. You might put your hand on her butt since you’ve clearly demonstrated you feel your boundary trumps hers. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Any thoughts on deciphering these mixed signals? There are no mixed signals. This woman was absolutely clear about her boundaries & desires. No hugs but a peck on the cheek was OK. You failed to hear her & you failed to respect her wishes by turning your head for a kiss she told you she didn't want. Frankly after you were so disrespectful of her wishes I'm surprised she went on the 2nd date with you. In her place I'd be concerned that when I said no you'd hear yes. In my world everyone hugs, it's really no big deal. It's no big deal to you. It's a huge deal to her which is why she said no to the hug but OK'd a peck on the cheek which you tried to manipulate into a full blown kiss. In your world people may hug but not in her world. Since you want to be in her world, her rules rule. I brought up the hugging issue to understand her mindset. Still at this point, she feels we need to know each other better. * * * I just now got a text saying she just got home, thanks for a beautiful night, I like you. At this point I don't understand the harm a simple hug could be if you're honestly attracted to someone. I find it more logical to not hug someone you're not attracted to. My instinct is to get out now. Has anyone had a situation like this? You should get out because this will never work for you. This woman continues to be crystal clear yet you refuse to hear her. Full contact in the form of a hug is overwhelming to her. It's too intimate for her this early in the game. You see the hug as no big deal. She sees it & experiences it as you enveloping her. From her perspective it's too much. Since you refuse to see this from her perspective, leave the woman alone. 2
lavenderandvelvet Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 (edited) Agree with this post. OP if you can’t move at her pace, pick someone else. It’s a sign you don’t really care since you aren’t willing to go at her pace. Edited October 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed
Gaeta Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 What part of *in my culture we don't hug so early* don't you understand? She is spelling it out to you and you don't even listen. Also, so what no hugs in 2 dates?? it's not the end of the world. Are you interested in getting to know her or just interested in hitting it with her? You're a big grown man I am sure you can do without a hug on first couple of dates. 1
Kitty Tantrum Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 I recall my Spanish professor in college (he was from Spain) explaining that in his culture, at least traditionally, a kiss on the cheek is a perfectly appropriate greeting/parting gesture with pretty much anyone you know, but that hugs are more intimate. He basically described this exact scenario, where a young woman might kiss a man she's just met on the cheek - but that the embrace is typically reserved for family members and established intimate relationships. A woman might hug another woman fairly early on, but not a man. Just because you can't imagine it doesn't make it wrong or your way better. Be respectful. It's not hard. 1
Author cre8r Posted October 16, 2019 Author Posted October 16, 2019 (edited) I appreciate this informative and intelligent response. Thanks KT. Edited October 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed
lavenderandvelvet Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 (edited) I think you need to end it with her, because you can't believe what she tells you are her preferences and beliefs. Why did this need to be validated by a stranger on the Internet before you accept her word at face value? You do not seem to trust her or her signals. Time to find someone else. Edited October 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed
fromheart Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 So the 2nd date is under the belt and if you think attempting a first kiss could be awkward (which wasn't attempted), try a high-five. Anyway during this 2nd date, I thought some of the discussion could be about what we're both looking for. I brought up the hugging issue to understand her mindset. Still at this point, she feels we need to know each other better. She said I could help her improve her English and her have me improve my Spanish, so she said "Deal?" Pretty stale and boring dude. You don't bring up the hugging issue, you date a woman who hugs and kisses you. Like I said, don't 2nd date a woman who doesn't kiss you on the first. 1
Author cre8r Posted October 17, 2019 Author Posted October 17, 2019 (edited) Yep. That's what I've been accustomed to. Edited October 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed
Author cre8r Posted October 17, 2019 Author Posted October 17, 2019 After last nights 2nd date I ignored her early morning text thinking that could end it all, at midday another with her texting my name that I ignored, then a 3rd recapping last nights discussion on what she's looking for in a mate. I caved and responded to that 3rd text, more texts followed with the content being her making a list of things we could do together to know each other better. It's no secret to anyone who puts themselves on the dating market/site that a first kiss is expected somewhat early on. Date one and 2 didn't even get as much as a hug. But her continuous texts and the content seem to show interest. Also from what I found out, hugging isn't taboo in her country. Also the cheek/kiss thing on the first date didn't stop her from daily texting FYI. Looking for thoughtful responses from anyone that's experienced anything similar. Thanks.
lavenderandvelvet Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 It feels like you are playing a lot of games here 1. Do you actually like her? 2. Do you want to get to know her? 3. Will you respect her boundaries? Right now it seems like you are ignoring her completely clear and obvious interest in you because it is not moving into physical intimacy at a rate you expect. So if that is not what you want end it. She is not going to hug you until she’s ready, so stop counting the hugless days like it is a days with injury poster at a factory.
ajequals Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 You sound very inexperienced and young ..I'm it awe how centered you are on what you think a date should be with complete disregard for her wishes. if your interested wait for her to make the moves ,that what she wants ..if your not willing to do this tell her your moving on and do so. 2
fromheart Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 then a 3rd recapping last nights discussion on what she's looking for in a mate. I'm guessing that she didn't ask what you are looking for. You may find yourself thinking, if I put up with her terms for a little while she will one day open to me. But that'll never happen as you are compromising your polarity. She doesn't want to hug and kiss you, as you do her. There's not much else to say really. 1
Kitty Tantrum Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 I'm getting the impression that she wants a traditional relationship, well-established commitment prior to physical intimacy - and you want something that's on the fast track to the bedroom. She's obviously interested in YOU, but probably not in hookups. If you want something that isn't on the table just move on and quit trying to make it out like it's some kinda glaring fault on her part. It isn't. You're just impatient. 2
Author cre8r Posted October 17, 2019 Author Posted October 17, 2019 I'm getting the impression that she wants a traditional relationship, well-established commitment prior to physical intimacy - and you want something that's on the fast track to the bedroom. She's obviously interested in YOU, but probably not in hookups. If you want something that isn't on the table just move on and quit trying to make it out like it's some kinda glaring fault on her part. It isn't. You're just impatient. I think you've got it right on the first part (commitment) as I'm finding out more about her however I'd like to know what you and others can cite that shows I'm only interested in sex/hooking up. Hugs are associated with more than just sex. I even hug dudes on the basketball court. I have no problem with a traditional relationship, it was just my concern whether she had a romantic attraction or not. I appreciate your feedback.
Shining One Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 Are you arranging and paying for the dates? If so, it's possible she enjoys your company platonically and desires the experiences you're providing, but she's not into you sexually. I have significant experience with that. My advice would be to step back on the effort (assuming that you're putting in most of the effort to make things happen) and see if she's willing to meet you half-way. I would also date other women at the same time. 1
Author cre8r Posted October 17, 2019 Author Posted October 17, 2019 Are you arranging and paying for the dates? If so, it's possible she enjoys your company platonically and desires the experiences you're providing, but she's not into you sexually. I have significant experience with that. My advice would be to step back on the effort (assuming that you're putting in most of the effort to make things happen) and see if she's willing to meet you half-way. I would also date other women at the same time. I arranged both dates at the same place, a booth at a restaurant, nothing too exciting, just talking to get to know each other. And she's a cheap date, both times just a glass of lemonade, she doesn't drink alcohol. I haven't figured out whether it's platonic or not, that's why I'm seeking info from anyone who may have been in a similar situation (such as yours), thanks.
lavenderandvelvet Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 I arranged both dates at the same place, a booth at a restaurant, nothing too exciting, just talking to get to know each other. And she's a cheap date, both times just a glass of lemonade, she doesn't drink alcohol. I haven't figured out whether it's platonic or not, that's why I'm seeking info from anyone who may have been in a similar situation (such as yours), thanks. Most women do not constantly text guys they want to be friends with - because they don't want the guy to assume something else. She has made it super clear she is interested in you, yet you are questioning everything because she hasn't allowed a hug? 1
d0nnivain Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 it was just my concern whether she had a romantic attraction or not. Conservative women with traditional values like this woman, don't kiss men even on the cheek that they don't like. At this point all you can do is blow this by not accepting the fact that she views & experiences hugging differently then you do. I suspect that since you became an adult that you are rarely the smaller person in an enveloping hug. If you were you would understand why a full body hug is not as innocuous as you perceive it to be. Moreover you turning your head for a kiss on the lips was also an instance of you not respecting her boundaries about physical contact between a man & a woman. Stop applying your perspective to this situation if you hope to continue to court her. Notice I didn't say date. 1
Recommended Posts