So the day has finally happened...the ex has a new boyfriend

[DeaconFrost]

Hehe, it's funny. Usually I'm the guy who replies. Today, I am the poster. It's ok. So I just had a few drinks (well, more than a few) at the local watering hole with a a girl who is damn near best friends with the ex. Casually, she tells me the ex has a new boyfriend. It's cool....I knew this day was coming. True, I broke up with her numerous times, but regardless of the situations, environments, memories, etc. it still hurts. I am writing this becuase of my reaction. Deep down inside I had this reaction to the news that completely took me surprise...I felt pain again. Don't know why because I know in my heart we just weren't really compatible and that I had no other choice but to end the relationship. But regardless of all the trauma and absolute hell I went through trying to figure out a doomed relationship, I still felt hurt.

 

You see, my problem is not with closure or whatever. My problem is that my ex is doing things that she rebelled against when I was with her. She hated the city (Chicago, where I was a resident) when I was with her and now she loves it (apparently the guy she is seeing is from the great city of Chicago). She's dressing snazzier, experimenting in her life choices, etc. (things she wouldn't do when I was with her). I guess I'm just pissed because she's doing the things with a new guy that I begged her to do with me (or so I perceive). That's why I had to leave. I just felt unappreciated and unsatisfied.

 

In some ways, it feels like a slap in the face. If I'm going to be real about it, I'd have to say that she just really didn't love me the way that I loved her. Hell she even said it herself (although she fought like hell to keep me from leaving). Call it a male competition thing, call it an ego thing, call it jealousy, call it what you will. The fact is I hate that I, for some reason, couldn't receive the love that I gave day in and day out. I know, I know, it happens in relationships, but it still stings like hell.

 

Oh well, sh*t happens, right? I don't really know what to think. All I know is that I'm surprised at my reaction and I'm kinda hurt. Thanks for listening to my rambling. I really just needed to say a few words to a community that I have believed in and, indeed, cared for for quite some time. Thoughts, comments, and cursings are always appreciated. Thanks.

 

-DeaconFrost

[Aimée]

You may have pushed her too hard and at the same time let her miss the understanding for her situation. I find it hard to change a situation when someone pushes me to change all the time without realizing how difficult changes can be. Also the fact that he pushes so hard indicates that he has somehow classified me as a person who is reluctant to growth and changes. Next time you meet her, mention to her that you like the new changes and that you're sorry you pushed her so hard.

 

Maybe you are compatible if you could get over some obstacles and maybe that's why you feel hurt. Deep down inside you know that you might have been a good match if you and her had done some things differently.

 

Sorry for your pain.

[DeaconFrost]

Maybe you are compatible if you could get over some obstacles and maybe that's why you feel hurt. Deep down inside you know that you might have been a good match if you and her had done some things differently.

 

Sorry for your pain.

Naw...you don't change things like affection levels, sex drive, level of passion (as in the ability to be enthusiastic), romanticism, etc. Those things are inherantly part of someone's characteristics. Trust me, we tried everything to make it work. I just wasn't really happy with her and my only conclusion was that we weren't compatible in the way I had perceived when we first got together. Plus, I'd say there was a stark difference between her in the "honeymoon" stage and her in the "after the moonglow" stage. True, I may have pushed her too hard, but I felt that there was no way she was going to change for me. Besides, a relationship that you are truly compatible in should never require the other person to change.

 

Honestly, I think some of what I'm seeing (or rather hearing) is a result of my pushing in the past. Sometimes the only way you can change is when you spend time on yourself reflecting alone. It's the double-edged sword. This morning I woke up and I feel ok about it. On the flipside, the mind has a tendency to run wild with little things and tries to transpose them into the bigger picture. For all I know these cosmetic things may be results of my influence or not and these changes may be superficial or bona fide personality shifts. Who knows. I guess all I can say is that I gave it my absolute complete all and really that's all that matters. Or so I'm going to tell myself that today.

[Aimée]

Naw...you don't change things like affection levels, sex drive, level of passion (as in the ability to be enthusiastic), romanticism, etc. Those things are inherantly part of someone's characteristics. Trust me, we tried everything to make it work. I just wasn't really happy with her and my only conclusion was that we weren't compatible in the way I had perceived when we first got together. Plus, I'd say there was a stark difference between her in the "honeymoon" stage and her in the "after the moonglow" stage. True, I may have pushed her too hard, but I felt that there was no way she was going to change for me. Besides, a relationship that you are truly compatible in should never require the other person to change.

Hm? Are you not contradicting yourself? Now it seems she has changed and has developed some of the desirable traits that you had been looking for.

 

Honestly, I think some of what I'm seeing (or rather hearing) is a result of my pushing in the past.

Pushing is never good.

 

Who knows. I guess all I can say is that I gave it my absolute complete all and really that's all that matters. Or so I'm going to tell myself that today.

It's great that you think you gave your all, but in the end it doesn't really matter if you did the wrong thing. So, try to figure out what you did wrong instead of comforting yourself with the idea that you did your best and that it was just not meant to be.

[Art_Critic]

You see, my problem is not with closure or whatever. My problem is that my ex is doing things that she rebelled against when I was with her. She hated the city (Chicago, where I was a resident) when I was with her and now she loves it (apparently the guy she is seeing is from the great city of Chicago). She's dressing snazzier, experimenting in her life choices, etc. (things she wouldn't do when I was with her). I guess I'm just pissed because she's doing the things with a new guy that I begged her to do with me (or so I perceive). That's why I had to leave. I just felt unappreciated and unsatisfied.

 

your problem is with closure .. But that is okay.. Maybe her getting a new BF will give you what you need .

 

If you had dealt with it and had your closure what she is doing wouldn't bother you in the least bit.

 

Just recognize it and you'll be fine.

[lindya]

You see, my problem is not with closure or whatever. My problem is that my ex is doing things that she rebelled against when I was with her. She hated the city (Chicago, where I was a resident) when I was with her and now she loves it (apparently the guy she is seeing is from the great city of Chicago). She's dressing snazzier, experimenting in her life choices, etc. (things she wouldn't do when I was with her). I guess I'm just pissed because she's doing the things with a new guy that I begged her to do with me (or so I perceive). That's why I had to leave. I just felt unappreciated and unsatisfied.

 

That does seem to happen quite often when relationships break down. Maybe people reflect on the person they were within the relationship, and realise that it might actually be in their interests to try out some of the things their ex partner urged them to do. Maybe she absorbed parts of your personality that are only coming to the fore now that the two of you are apart?

 

It's a real stomach-punch when you hear that your ex is with someone new, especially when it seems like suddenly they're treating this new person in all the ways they refused to treat you. Sometimes, though, it can end up being a turning point.

 

When I first learned that my ex had got it together with the woman he cheated on me with and seemed really happy with her, I felt devastated even though it was a year since we'd broken up and I was sure that I was over him. Then after a couple of weeks I somehow felt better than I had in a long time. Knowing that the ex is with someone else and is happy with that person can enable you to let go of whatever bits of the relationship you might have been hanging on to.

[DeaconFrost]

Hm? Are you not contradicting yourself? Now it seems she has changed and has developed some of the desirable traits that you had been looking for.

 

It's great that you think you gave your all, but in the end it doesn't really matter if you did the wrong thing. So, try to figure out what you did wrong instead of comforting yourself with the idea that you did your best and that it was just not meant to be.

I'm not contradicting myself in the least. Let me clarify, I'm not saying her habits and personality have changed, but I am saying that aesthetically things have been changing (as in broadening her horizons, liking things she used to dislike, mixing up the wardrobe, etc.). On a superficial level she has started to change...on a deeper level I doubt she has, but the mind does tend to wander.

 

I understand your argument about pushing and I agree it's a bad thing, but what I'm getting at and what I have learned is that if I had made a wiser choice with regards to compatibility then I wouldn't of had to push in the first place. If I am upset its because what I may be perceiveing as a "step in the right direction" is being done with someone new as oppossed to me. It's kinda of the "what the hell took so long" attitude. It's almost as if I was not a good enough incentive. Does that make a bit more sense then what I wrote? I think that pinpoints my reaction better to a bit of hurt from last night.

 

On top of that, I don't know if what I did was wrong persay. Rather than continue to push and wait it out I decided to end the badgering and pleading to be loved in a way I felt loved and leave. That's sound like the right decision to me. I was unhappy and I decided that the only way to progress was to leave. It was an incredibly hard decision but I had to do it. I have no qualms or regrets from it. So in that respect, I feel I have learned my lesson about pushing.

 

your problem is with closure .. But that is okay.. Maybe her getting a new BF will give you what you need .

 

If you had dealt with it and had your closure what she is doing wouldn't bother you in the least bit.

 

Just recognize it and you'll be fine.

You're probably right. Funny, cause I thought we had the closure talk, but I guess it was more so about her thoughts then mine. I think what I just wrote above may be hinting at my final bits of uneasyness. Good point though.

 

That does seem to happen quite often when relationships break down. Maybe people reflect on the person they were within the relationship, and realise that it might actually be in their interests to try out some of the things their ex partner urged them to do. Maybe she absorbed parts of your personality that are only coming to the fore now that the two of you are apart?

 

It's a real stomach-punch when you hear that your ex is with someone new, especially when it seems like suddenly they're treating this new person in all the ways they refused to treat you. Sometimes, though, it can end up being a turning point.

 

When I first learned that my ex had got it together with the woman he cheated on me with and seemed really happy with her, I felt devastated even though it was a year since we'd broken up and I was sure that I was over him. Then after a couple of weeks I somehow felt better than I had in a long time. Knowing that the ex is with someone else and is happy with that person can enable you to let go of whatever bits of the relationship you might have been hanging on to.

That was exactly what I kinda felt. It did seem like she was treating him the way she refused to do with me (or so I'm speculating based on the little informaiton I have at hand....I love how the mind tends to blow things out of proportion). I think what you have said may very well be true. I think she did take some of my personality and suggestions with her.

 

You know, for some reason I kept a bunch of "memories" jammed in a box. Maybe its time to throw all those little things away. I don't really have a need to look back on those things other than to see what I looked like a year ago or to see how different of a person I was back then. I really have grown alot since. Still, its hard to toss the photos, especially when I really don't have any of myself to begin with. In some ways its like erasing a chunk of your life. Kinda hard, but probably kinda necessary (although I did finally erase her phone number).

 

Still, my reactions intrigue me because I chose to walk life without her. Clearly I feel I am better off, but nevertheless it's all still very interesting. I guess the heart remembers more than the head.