MooseN7 Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 Ok, so.. I'll start with the back story. I was dating this girl 13 or so years ago, we were on and off frequently due to being young at the time. I actually lost my virginity to her and after some time we decided to finally end things as it was getting a bit messy. I moved on to another girl who I was with for about 3 years and ended up having a son with her (he's now 10) and she (the girl I lost my virginity to) ended up with a guy she was with for 10 years (on and off) They have 2 children together. Over the years we have sort of kept in contact through Facebook and occasionally went through stages of frequent chatting (while we were both single) but nothing really came of it, but about 3 months ago we started chatting again while I was out of town and we had been chatting all day, every day non stop and ended up telling each other we had developed feelings for each other again. When I came back from being away for work we started hanging out a bit, I have been taking things real slow to not make her feel pressured after being with her last partner for 10 years. One night she told me she was having a guy around to have some drinks and casual sex which I got pretty confused and upset about as she had been telling me how much she liked me and hadn't liked anyone like this since her last partner.. Anyway she told me I had no right to be upset and that we had barely hung out because of me being away for work and that she wanted to enjoy being single again. I kind of left things at that and though well fair enough, it's normal to want to have fun while single right??? We resumed our daily chats, they got more and more intense with feelings etc but I had to go away for work again and then the same thing happened, she told me she had a guy going around to hers while she was drinking but wouldn't sleep with him, he was just a friend but the next day she freaked out telling me they slept together and she was sorry blah blah and again I thought well we haven't even kissed yet as I knew she wasn't ready for anything serious but then we went through a while hanging out like a lot but I'd go around while her kids were in bed and knew it was just to hang out, nothing physical and she would always message me after I left saying how much she loves being around me (we get on like a house on fire) then I brought her out for some drinks at my friends house and we ended up making out and having a good time but then she got a taxi later in the night and I was hoping she would invite me but didn't want to ask and make her uncomfortable and she messaged me shortly after leaving saying she has someone she sleeps with regularly when drinking and that she couldn't sleep with me because she "likes me" (what the hell?) so I basically said I can't do this anymore and want to end it.. She ended up messaging me the next day begging me to forgive her and she would stop everything and wanted me, and didn't want to lose me. I REALLY like her and since I've known her for so long I don't want her to disappear from my life so I thought ok, lets try this then. Long story short she decided she wasn't ready for anything and wanted to get to know me better before anything, which was fine with me I don't want to rush anything. Then she told me she still wants to "enjoy being single" while we hang out and get to know each other. Things have been carrying on like this, I like her a lot and she tells me the same and she has started cancelling times for us to hang out but still wants to chat all the time. Am I wasting my time???? I know if I end it she will disappear probably forever but I can't handle knowing she is sleeping with other guys while we talk the way we do - we talk about everything and really connect but she doesn't want to "just be friends" but I'm so confused I really don't know what to do... Should I wait or should I just straight up end things? I've known her for so long and know that we for sure would be goo together, I don't want to throw that potential away if I'm just being silly? But for the record she only sleeps with guys while she is drunk and told me there are 0 feelings involved, it's purely physical. Any advice would be much appreciated.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 I think you are wasting your time, yes. It is indeed her prerogative to date and sleep with whomever she chooses. I don't think that's the real problem here, though. The real problem, as I see it, is that she doesn't actually have strong feelings for you. She likes you well enough but I don't see this actually developing into a relationship. I would cut your losses now and focus on meeting a woman who is in a place to date you on a more serious level. 1
chillii Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 (edited) My God man will you go and find a bit of pride. Wth are you even doing hanging round with this women , really , your acting like somewhere to wipe herself onto when all these guys have finished with her. What exactly do you even want with her what you wanna wait for her to stop sleeping with all these guys and then you can move in , why would you even want someone like that if you meant anythng she'd be sleeping with you and couldn't stand the thought of other men. Really , whatever she was at 13 is long long gone my thoughts , get the hell away from her and go and find yourself a decent woman with a bit of self respect. ps , are you sleeping with other women or just waiting loyally until she's finished ? Edited October 12, 2019 by chillii 2
Author MooseN7 Posted October 12, 2019 Author Posted October 12, 2019 My God man will you go and find a bit of pride. Wth are you even doing hanging round with this women , really , your acting like somewhere to wipe herself onto when all these guys have finished with her. What exactly do you even want with her what you wanna wait for her to stop sleeping with all these guys and then you can move in , why would you even want someone like that if you meant anythng she'd be sleeping with you and couldn't stand the thought of other men. Really , whatever she was at 13 is long long gone my thoughts , get the hell away from her and go and find yourself a decent woman with a bit of self respect. ps , are you sleeping with other women or just waiting loyally until she's finished ? I am wanting to exclusively date her, and I had been sleeping with other people up until we started getting a bit more serious with the talks about how we felt about each other. It's only about once a fortnight she will do it and she has told me to do the same but I struggle to do it when I have feelings for someone else. Also I'd like to note that I'm not a person that likes things getting serious, I've been single for a few years now, and have just kept things casual and ended things before anything got serious, but with her I haven't felt this way in a long time.
elaine567 Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 I don't really think she is that attracted to you. It is not as if she is shy or inexperienced. If she wanted you she would be all over you. I have never really been a fan of, "I like you sooo much that I do not want to sleep with you..." sounds like an excuse to me. My guess. She just got out of a long relationship, she is not looking for "serious" but she likes the chats with a familiar and friendly face. I guess she doesn't really view you as "serious" material either so is keeping you at arm's length and for fun she goes out drinking with some other guy. I am just not sure how "serious" she is with this regular guy she goes out drinking with and is sleeping with, it may be more than you think. She turned you down that night and chose him, so dismissing his significance may be a mistake. You are also the "casual" guy who dumps women as soon as it gets serious, why would she really want to get involved with you? I guess she doesn't see you as father material either. So she keeps it to lots of chat and a few hang outs, but ducks out of taking it any further... I think you are wasting your time here, sorry!. 1
schlumpy Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 I don't see where the problem is. Why would you want to date her exclusively when you state you want a casual relationship and neither of you views sex as anything but recreational? Put her in the FWB category and let it ride.
elaine567 Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 Put her in the FWB category and let it ride. He doesn't want to do that as... ...with her I haven't felt this way in a long time.
d0nnivain Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 You two aren't on the same page, that is for sure. She doesn't want commitment. She likes sex but prefers to hide behind the excuse of "I was drunk" to avoid responsibility for her choices. She is not ready for a committed relationship. You already left her once so she has trust issues. Then the father of her kids disappeared further casting doubt in her mind on her ability to make good choices regarding men. You can put it out there that you'd like to try but it has to be exclusive. You can leave things as they are (which clearly you don't want & is a health risk) or you can walk away.
Flame Aura Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 She is playing you for a fool. Likes you wants to be with you etc but then invites another guy to have drunken sex with? Yea right, she is full of excuses. You are wasting your time. 1
OatsAndHall Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 If you continue to see this woman, I imagine you will end up hurt and frustrated. She's not ready for a commitment, she's sleeping with other men (as she has the right to do) and you're in a completely opposite place. No point in beating your head against a wall.
salparadise Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 It’s already feeling weirdly incongruent, and is only going to get worse. You’re trying to build a relationship, treating her like a girlfriend, and she’ not giving you any but is telling you about her drunken-anonymous hookups. She knows it eats at your soul, and does it anyway. There’s something masochistic about this. You’re both scared of vulnerability or any relationship of depth and meaning, so you just torment and bait each other with some kind of perverse cuckold fantasy. Unless you just love suffering, you should cut this off and get a real girlfriend... one who tells you how much she wants you, not about phukking strangers. Id rather eat molded cheese from the back of the fridge.
schlumpy Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 He doesn't want to do that as... How deep are his feelings Elaine if he is sleeping around? I always look at behavior first and words second. 2
gaius Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 She's got one guy (you) who acts like his feet are stuck in molasses and finds every excuse under the sun to not make a move, not pressure her, to be respectful, just generally not do anything. Then she's got other guys who bring over some drinks and take her to bed. Or just have sex with her on the couch. Whatever they're doing there's no molasses involved. It's really not rocket science. She's not looking for Joe Can't Do. Neither are most women. She wants someone who wants her.
divegrl Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 What?!!! She does NOT want to be with you. Please have some standards for yourself and do not allow others to treat you like this. Take care. 2
smackie9 Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 I say you are her cuddle buddy and stuck in the friends zone. She is emotionally attached to you but isn’t romantically into you. Basically she’s having her cake and eating it too. You are getting breadcrumbs as a way to keep you coming around. Yer being played a fool. 2
crispytoast Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 She lost her attraction for you when you were timid
TheFinalWord Posted October 13, 2019 Posted October 13, 2019 If something was going to happen, it already would have. Think about it... You both said you have feelings for each other. So, she decides the best course of action is to have casual sex with other guys. Anyone with half a brain cell knows that she isn't going to be able to explore those feelings while she's banging some other guy. She wants her cake and to eat it too. String you along, while she enjoys being "single" (just because you're single doesn't mean you have to sleep around). Part of me thinks she's not intentionally trying to hurt you, she's just so damaged she has no idea how to have a healthy relationship. A relationship should be easy. This is way too complex. And it's been decades of unnecessary complexity. You're holding on to nostalgia. 1
elaine567 Posted October 13, 2019 Posted October 13, 2019 You both said you have feelings for each other. So, she decides the best course of action is to have casual sex with other guys. Anyone with half a brain cell knows that she isn't going to be able to explore those feelings while she's banging some other guy. The OP was "banging" other women too... ... she's just so damaged she has no idea how to have a healthy relationship. We don't know that. She just got out of a long term relationship and is playing the field, is that so wrong? It is only "wrong" as the OP has decided he wants a relationship with her and he wants exclusivity. If we need to question anyone it is the OP whose usual MO is to dump a soon as it gets "serious", I guess some deeper issues going on there... 2
OnlyHonesty Posted October 13, 2019 Posted October 13, 2019 I have been taking things real slow to not make her feel pressured after being with her last partner for 10 years. One night she told me she was having a guy around to have some drinks and casual sex Spot the contradiction in the above quotes....I dare you.. But for the record she only sleeps with guys while she is drunk and told me there are 0 feelings involved, it's purely physical. Just because she says it is, doesn't mean it's true. Emotion is not something that can be controlled as easy as that. Any advice would be much appreciated The same advice I always seem to be giving men......stop putting up with so much crap from women, and have some self respect. Move on, cease all contact and work on your self. All of this stuff you mentioned....I wouldn't even put up with 1/2 a percent of it on a good day. Part of the cause is probably you having a scarcity mindset and a lack of clear boundaries. 1
DrNo1962 Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 ...she decided she wasn't ready for anything and wanted to get to know me better before anything... This is a code for "I see you as a back-up/orbiter and I'm enjoying the attention I get from you, but I don't have strong feelings for you". Women who are genuinely interested in you won't say these things since their emotions won't allow them to hold back (unless she has emotional walls up). I wouldn't waste one more second with this girl. Let her chase you while you move on to someone who is excited by you. 1
TheFinalWord Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 (edited) The OP was "banging" other women too... We don't know that. She just got out of a long term relationship and is playing the field, is that so wrong? It is only "wrong" as the OP has decided he wants a relationship with her and he wants exclusivity. If we need to question anyone it is the OP whose usual MO is to dump a soon as it gets "serious", I guess some deeper issues going on there... I am addressing HIM, not her. If SHE posts here, I'll tell her what is flawed with his approach. It's not a matter of what she is doing is right or wrong; I never said anything about morality. Practically speaking, this is a train wreck. I stand by my original post. Edited October 14, 2019 by TheFinalWord
kendahke Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 I know if I end it she will disappear probably forever but I can't handle knowing she is sleeping with other guys while we talk the way we do Then in order to be with her, you're going to have to figure out how to tolerate her sleeping with other men. She doesn't want you in that way--she wants you to be her male girlfriend who she gabs with. - we talk about everything and really connect but she doesn't want to "just be friends" That's not a decision that is left 100% up to her, is it? Who cares what she does or doesn't want? You don't want to "just be cuckolded", either. Looks like a standoff. but I'm so confused I really don't know what to do... Should I wait or should I just straight up end things? I've known her for so long and know that we for sure would be goo together, I don't want to throw that potential away if I'm just being silly? There is no potential here--just desperation. But for the record she only sleeps with guys while she is drunk and told me there are 0 feelings involved, it's purely physical. And an STD doesn't care if you loved the host carrier or if it was purely physical. 1
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