H. has (had?) feelings for an ex-flame

[jessie-ivy]

Hi,

My husband (of almost a year and a half) has recently confessed (over the past few months--he's confessed bits at a time--would only tell me parts of the story, then tell me more a few weeks later . . . but now says he's told me everything) that during the first six or so months of our marriage (and presumably before that) he still had strong feelings (and indulged in sexual fantasies and sexually dreamt about) the girl he was in love with before me. I told him that if he had had a physcial/romantic relationship with her, I could understand him dealing with past memories. But, they were only friends. He was in love with her, but she only liked him as a friend, so they never even kissed. They had been out of each other's lives for about two years before B and I married, though they saw each other occasionally. He is SO upset that all this hurts me and he really wants to be with me, loves me, etc etc etc (and I belive him--all this shows in his daily actions), but I am really hurt. I feel like we should have never gotten married when he still had strong feelings/desires for her, and he said that he used to "put her into [my] place" in his imagination--like substitute her for me in his head during his sexual fantasies. That's tough to deal with, especially b/c she's not just some stranger or image from a magazine. He says he doesn't have these thoughts any more and he hopes he doesn't in the future (he doesn't want to continue to think about her in this way or to have feelings for her).

 

Over the past few months, he has told me, at times, that he thinks he still has feelings for her and then he changes his mind and has said he doesn't. He's told lots of "little lies" in all this (and with other "small" things) so I don't know what to believe. He's heard all this before. We've talked a LOT and been to counseling. It didn't help. Basically, he wants to be done with all his old thoughts/feelings and wants to be with me, and move forward, however slow we must go (right now he's sleeping in the other room--I have NO sexual desire for him at all and he understands that and is very supportive). He says it's all up to me--how I want to respond, but I don't know what to do with my feelings. I feel hurt, trapped in this marriage (though I sort of want to be in it, mainly b/c of our friendship, I still battle, and have battled for almost our whole marriage, with a desire to be single--for life--I loved being single, even when I didn't date for years), and for about five to six months I've had pretty much zero attraction to my husband.

 

Any thoughts? I've seen some great advice in these forums and was hoping someone could help.

 

Thanks so much,

Jessie

[jessie-ivy]

And we don't have kids. Sometimes I feel like if I'm going to "get out," I should do it now, before kids could come into the picture. Like I mentioned, I don't want to do this to be with someone else, I love being alone. I really do.

 

I just fear that I either won't be able to trust him again or that I will never have romantic/sexual feelings for him again. It's been dead in that area for about six months--I don't even want to kiss (at all!). I only like being friends and doing "friend things" together--nothing romantic/physical.

Hmmm . . .?

[Devildog]

Hmm, so many issues here I am not sure where to start.

 

Basically, your husband has no resolution from his feeling of unrequited love for this other woman. They never had the physical/romantic relationship he desired. So he still wonders "what if". What could it have been like with her. The sad thing about that situation is that most likely, this woman isn't nearly what he has built her up to be in his mind. We have a tendency to idealize the object of our desires. That is one of the problems of situations such as that. Most likely if he had ever dated her he would have discovered she wasn't what he thought. He would have been seriously let down.

 

Now about you. Is your lack of physical desire for your husband because of this situation or were you never really all that attracted to your husband? If you never really were all that attracted to him, you might want to seriously consider parting ways. You don't really sound like you were fully prepared to enter into marriage anyway.

 

However, if the lack of desire for physical intimacy for your husband is solely based on his pining for this other woman, it might help for you to realize that he is in love with an idealized image of a person. It isn't a real person you are competing with. So figure out a way to get this through your husband's thick skull. Either explain the tendency to idealize people we don't know that well, or make him forget all about her in other ways.

[Barby]

Did you lose your desire for him because of his revealing his thoughts/feelings/desires towards this other woman? Have you always (even since the start of your relationship) been not attracted to him? And if this is the case why in fact did you get married?

 

Now if this all came about because of his confession then I say that you should just attempt to move past it. Do things that entice him (sexually) and be romantic.....both of you should re-romance one another in order to get the "spark" back.

 

Now...if you've never been attracted to him, weren't affectionate or sexual with him......then this could be why he's hanging on to a past attraction/fantasy. Maybe he finds comfort and sexual pleasure in these thoughts (even though they aren't memories) if he's not able to get these things from you.

[Iluvsiamese]

I can understand how you feel here. It sure isn't fun to find out that your H is longing for someone else--even if they are a fantasy. I am dealing with something similar. My guy is longing for his ex-wife of almost a decade ago. He refuses to admit this but I am convinced for a number of reasons. I suspected for some time as he talked about her constantly (and yes, she seems to have been put on a bit of a pedestal) and his tone of voice and body language spoke volumes. He has had other long-term relationships both before and after her which he seldom mentions and if he does, his tone indicates no real interest. Secondly, a few months back while under the influence (completely spificated) he stated that he loves his wife and wishes he hadn't lost her and was nearly in tears saying how sorry he is. He has no recollection of this.

 

I am hanging in here as I figure that the odds of her showing up at this stage are not good and otherwise, we have a great relationship. But it is still hard to get past all of this, especially when he keeps bringing her up. He knows that it bothers me and I don't think that he realizes how much he does it or how his voice is different. For me, it is just rubbing salt in the wound. He feels that I am asking him to deny that he was ever married to her. Not so. It's a fact that they were married, but I don't want to discuss it in detail every day and I don't care for having all his little reminders around the house. They never lived here together but he has kept alot of things from the marriage--her table linens, her crafts, bedlinens, her dishes, his wedding ring, pictures etc. He knows that I dislike it, but he has tried to pretend that some of these things weren't hers so that he can keep them. He needs to pay better attention to some of those pictures, lol! Now when he starts talking about her, I just either leave the room or don't respond at all.

 

So how do you deal with this knowledge? I just don't know how to get past it and so I can sympathize with you, Jessie-Ivy. As for not wanting to sleep with him, that I can understand too. You feel like he's thinking about this other person. Not a great turn on. As for him wanting to get past this and just get on with loving you, yes, he probably does. I know that my guy does love me, but it's pretty hard to move forward when you are hanging on to the past for dear life. He says that time will heal the pain and I suppose that this is true for both you and I. Other than that, I have no idea what to do about this other than to try not to think about it. Kind of hard when the subject is front and centre much of the time.

[jessie-ivy]

You guys have been really helpful--thanks for taking the time to reply. In response to some questions (and to offer some clarification), I'll add a few things:

My H. had these thoughts/feelings in the beginning of our marriage (first 6 or so months) and that was when we had lots of good sex, so I know he didn't pine for her b/c he wasn't "getttin' any" from me. Far from it. Otherwise, I could certainly understand the connection b/tween him wanting to be with someone else and not having much of a sex life with his wife.

 

As for my lack of sexual interest, all this (hearing about his feelings/thoughts) has certainly made my desire much less (or has eradicated it for now), but though I WAS physically attracted to him before we were married and in the beginning of our marriage, it just became less and less. I don't know why. I think some of it is that I was used to "exciting" relationships and our marriage has become more like a friendship than anything (which is my fault, he'd love to have sex every day if I was up for it). I've tried to do things for him in the past (wear lingerie, dance, do sexual thigns, etc), and that works, in terms of having his desires met, but I'd rather read a good book than have sex any day. I've always been that way. I used to like the "excitement" f fooling around with various guys (boyfriends, or other guys) but I never really liked the act of SEX. Anyway, that's not our problem right now, at least it's not the main thing I would like advice on.

 

But thanks so much for helping me with all this. The idea about him idealizing this girl is so true--he said he's always done that with girls in the past. I think whoever said that if he had actually dated her, this would be different, is true. I think he's fell in love with something he didn't really know--but I want him to realize that. What I'm most worried about is how I will ever KNOW that he is totally over her. He's wavered so much abotu his feelings, that I don't know what to believe. Knowing how he feels about her is the main thing I want to know right now. He said he's going to talk to a different counselor next week. Maybe that will help.