Girlfriend left me for her only friend

[LizardWizard24]

I was in an LDR with this girl (me 25, she 21) for 3 years, we had a lot in common, never had any big discussions and we visited each other often. I was really happy with this girl, I thought she was the one for me. She told me she was so lucky to be with me and she would never break up with me...

 

Her only IRL friends consist of two guys she met from high school, one of them is always super busy and rarely talks to her, but the other one pretty much talks to her every day. She told me that he confessed to her that she had a crush on her since they first met, but she never was interested in him.

 

I also was overconfident cuz I am already an independent person, I have a good job, getting to grad school and her co-workers have told her I am very good looking. The other guy is the total opposite of me, never went to college, has a low paying job, still lives with parents, he's not attractive and whines a lot. Why would she even consider him right?

 

I knew that him talking to her every day was an obvious sign that he was trying hard to get her and since he was his only friend she could talk to, I was like "oh she is just friend-zoning him". I remember she once told him " Sorry, but I would never date you, even if I didn't meet LizardWizard.

 

Long story short, they started to hang out together these last 3 weeks as "friends" and then she tells me she has feelings for him, I didn't respond to her that day since I was so sad. The next day, she tells me she rathers being with me and that she is gonna tell his friend that he wants to be with me, but two days later (1 day after our anniversary) she tells me "I am always gonna be curious how would it be dating him" and decided to stay with him.

 

I feel betrayed, she was pretty much dating this guy while being with me. It hurts me more because we were making plans for visiting each other while this was happening. When she told me she rathers being with me, she seemed so sincere and felt her regret. I feel this guy kept insisting on dating and she was getting tired of distance.

 

One of our mutual online friends told me that she told him that she was so in love and going crazy for him... two days after breaking up with me.

 

So yeah, I don't recognize her anymore and I feel she got what she wanted and I just got replaced, how can she move on so fast without any remorse?

Edited October 11, 2019 by LizardWizard24

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

This is new & surprising to you. However, your EX & this guy, her friend were moving toward a romance for a while. While it was sudden to you, it was gradual to her. So it's not really that fast.

 

You probably would have caught it if you two hadn't been long distance. It's not hard to hide things from a partner when you are far apart.

 

Lick your wounds & when you are feeling stronger, get back out there & find a nice local girl to date.

[preraph]

Well, the fact that it may not last shouldn't influence your judgment here. She wasn't attached enough to you not to date locally, bottom line. It doesn't sound like she is very attracted to this guy, and so I can't really seeing her continuing to see him. First impressions are usually the best and she has told him no any number of times, it sounds like. But the fact she may wake up one morning and realize she's not even attracted to him doesn't alter that she is no longer in a relationship with you and that she chose that.

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

I am so sorry for your pain. I was in a similar situation - I'm 38, she was 24 - and it was LDR. She dumped me 7+ weeks ago saying she "didn't have time for a relationship", and I find out that 5 days later she was back on the dating website we met on with a profile that said she only had time for "one person" - so basically she's either lying to anyone she meets and just wants to sleep around or she will end up hurting or getting hurt if she stays with one person. I've been in and out of depression, sadness, anger, etc. for these past 7+ weeks. But I've slowly gotten better and my best friend, my mom, and folks I've talked to on here have reminded me - I don't miss "her" - I miss having "someone", she didn't treat me well, she's not even comfortable with herself and doesn't know what she wants, and I didn't do anything wrong.

 

It's not easy to process - especially for our minds - but you probably did not do anything wrong. Not saying you were perfect - but if you were truly a good bf and tried your best and were yourself - there's no one to blame but her. Is she mature? Can she communicate her needs, wants, and emotions? Did she have a healthy family life growing up? Does she have a good relationship with her parents? Does she have any dating experience in a real, adult relationship besides you? What are her parents like? Does she know how to address problems in a relationship? (Sorry for the twenty questions)

 

Sounds like she doesn't have a lot of close friends and probably doesn't know what she wants, what she needs from a relationship, and such. That's why most relationships that people form in high school, college, and nowadays even their early to mid 20's don't last. Plus, you need to consider her age and relationship history and personal history and personality in that while he's the opposite of you, she may not be ready for the "long haul" - and this new guy, however less then you, however bad for her in the long run, is new and her feelings are high because of the newness. In 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years she will feel the same way about him as her actions say she feels about you right now.

 

You cannot believe what people say. You can only believe their actions. She can say she won't leave you 10,000 times - but words are just words. Sure, words repeated enough do help drive behavior - but underneath her love and devotion for/to you was obviously something stronger that lead to this situation. Perhaps because of her age and lack of experience (she's been dating you since she was 18) she doesn't know how to communicate her needs to you and she was disatisfied underneath everything, but didn't know how to tell you - setting you up for failure and the future break up because you didn't know. Hell, I asked my ex all the time what she needed, how she was doing, what she wanted to do when we were together - and yet she probably either fell out of love with me or truly wanted to make me happy and thought she couldn't do it so you can't beat yourself up.

 

It will be painful for damn sure. But open up to your close friends and family that you trust, post on here, work on yourself, treat yourself nice, focus on your passions/interests and do not fight the emotions - let them come, name them, recognize them, accept them, and they will pass and every day, every week gets a bit easier. And if you find yourself swirling around mentally leading to more heartache - then go and write a list of all the things that weren't nice about her, the way she treated you, and the relationship - including this last act of immaturity and keep it handy and on you or accessible (like in the note pad of a smart phone or in an email) 24/7. The point of the list is not to really bash her, but remind you that you deserve better than what you got in the end and that you did your best and that if you found this person you can find another person who truly loves you, won't actually leave, and is ready for the "long haul".

[LizardWizard24]

OP,

 

there's no one to blame but her. Is she mature? Can she communicate her needs, wants, and emotions? Did she have a healthy family life growing up? Does she have a good relationship with her parents? Does she have any dating experience in a real, adult relationship besides you? What are her parents like? Does she know how to address problems in a relationship? (Sorry for the twenty questions)

.

 

Is she mature?

 

Nope

 

Can she communicate her needs, wants, and emotions?

 

No, I would ask her "is everything fine?" or "how you feeling about our relationshp and she would just say "good" and I would always tell her to please let me know if anything is wrong.

 

Did she have a healthy family life growing up?

 

She's pretty introvert, she spends most of her day on her room on a computer, perhaps this new guy was an opportunity to finally go out.

Does she have a good relationship with her parents?

 

Yes

 

Does she have any dating experience in a real, adult relationship besides you? What are her parents like?

 

Nope, I am his first everything. I have some experience dating but she always has been dating online, but I am the first person that I actually go to see her.

 

Does she know how to address problems in a relationship? (Sorry for the twenty questions)

 

Only when its too late.

 

 

 

I know that this is a case of curiosity and lack of experience, she gets to have this opportunity to finally date someone locally for the first and that seems like a great deal, to get finally done of the distance. But it seems she just went for literally the only person available to her, or I don't know, maybe he won her over with the constant begging and being that third wheel guy.

 

What hurts me more is the way she did it, constantly lying, changing her mind, throwing away all these 3 years and dating that guy instantly and saying how she's all crazy for him like she never cared for me.

 

It's just so out of character for her, she changed...

Edited October 11, 2019 by LizardWizard24

[scooby-philly]

Well - she's not mature as you said if she can't communicate her wants and needs and doesn't know how to process/handle her emotions. It's important to know her personality - but my question was did she have a healthy family life growing up. Not everyone does, but if you don't, there's work to be done so you can be in a healthy relationship (and eventually become a good parent if you want kinds). The main point here is she's not experienced and probably leads a sheltered life and doesn't know what she wants so something came along - and while you can look at it objectively, she can't - that will let her try dating that's "easier".

 

You hit the nail on the head yourself -

 

I know that this is a case of curiosity and lack of experience, she gets to have this opportunity to finally date someone locally for the first and that seems like a great deal, to get finally done of the distance.

 

It's not out of character for her - because she's still forming her character and she's still experimenting and she probably can't even grasp how she's hurt you because she probably stopped caring a while ago emotionally and you just didn't know.

 

But it seems she just went for literally the only person available to her, or I don't know, maybe he won her over with the constant begging and being that third wheel guy.

 

In her mind, your relationship ran its course b/c she can't fathom that she could be and act differently to produce a different outcome.

 

While it hurts for damn sure - you have to stop beating yourself up and you have to stop your mind from going into analysis paralysis and the "what-ifs". I know people who met someone in high school or college or even age gaps where someone was 20 and the other person 28 or 35 even and the relationship lasted - but that's based on their personalities and their personal experiences and other such factors. In your case, same with me, I'm sure you couldn't have done anything better, less, more, or differently that would have produced a different outcome. You tried, you gave her an opportunity, and she wasn't mature enough or honest with herself enough to take it. That's on her and always will be. And sad to say, in 5,10,15 years she may never own it either.

[ExpatInItaly]

But it seems she just went for literally the only person available to her, or I don't know, maybe he won her over with the constant begging and being that third wheel guy.

 

What hurts me more is the way she did it, constantly lying, changing her mind, throwing away all these 3 years and dating that guy instantly and saying how she's all crazy for him like she never cared for me.

 

This isn't even all that relevant, in the grand scheme of things. Who she left for isn't as important as the fact that she evidently was so emotionally detached from you and your relationship together that she had room in her heart and mind for anyone else.

 

Even if she never verbalized it, there was a widening crack forming in your relationship. Yes, this specific guy was convenient but the bigger problem was that she was already checked out enough to entertain that option. If it hadn't been him, it likely would have eventually been someone else.

 

I also have the strong suspicion that this was nowhere near as instant as it feels from your side. It's instant for you because you knew nothing about it, but I can nearly guarantee you that this had been brewing for some time between them. She only said something to you when they decided to make a go of it.

 

It's painful and shockingly different from the girl you knew. She likely has changed. She is still very young and sometimes those changes leave fall-out in their wake. I'm very sorry this has happened.

[LizardWizard24]

I also have the strong suspicion that this was nowhere near as instant as it feels from your side. It's instant for you because you knew nothing about it, but I can nearly guarantee you that this had been brewing for some time between them. She only said something to you when they decided to make a go of it.

 

 

Dang, that's brutal, but it's probably the truth. I hope I can get her out of my head soon, I just want to feel happy again.

[ExpatInItaly]

Dang, that's brutal, but it's probably the truth. I hope I can get her out of my head soon, I just want to feel happy again.

 

More than likely.

 

It hurts like hell, I realize. But the vast majority of the time, people who monkey-branch from one relationship right into the next have usually been lining up their next partner for a while before leaving the previous one. It doesn't always necessarily mean physical cheating was involved, but it's not as though that sudden decision to be together came out of left field, either.

 

You will heal from this. You will need ample time and space away from her to do so, but you will one day feel better and be able to let go of her completely.

Edited October 12, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[LizardWizard24]

Small personal update:

 

This week I cried like crazy while watching our pictures and remembering the good times (I know, bad move). I felt depressed and totally useless and replaceable. I felt this huge anxiety to text her and pretty much beg her to come back, that she was making a mistake.

 

Then this weekend I started to hang out with my friends and later my cousin. They all motivated me and I realized that I have all these people that care for me and support me. I no longer felt lonely and I don't feel as someone replaceable for my friends and family.

 

This Saturday night I did a test, I saw the pictures once again, but I no longer felt anything for someone that didn't care as much as I did. I no longer was dreading the thoughts of her having sex with the new guy.

 

These four weeks were hell for me, but I now feel free. I was so scared of feeling lonely when I was just blind and didn't notice how many people care for me.

 

So yeah, thanks to everyone who gave me advice here and while I don't know you IRL, I owe you guys a beer or whatever you like.

 

While my ex did something so immature and unforgivable, I wish her good luck and I hope this new guy doesn't abuse her and treats her well. I just hope she doesn't regret it later on. I gave her everything that I could offer, I treated her well and there was never any other woman in my life while I was with her, it's her loss... not mine.

 

Thank you

[Marc878]

Nice recovery. Put a firm NC in place if you haven't and block everything.

 

These things happen and once you get through it fully you'll be fine.

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

A few things

 

1. Part of the idea behind NC is to get rid of everything - including mementos, pics, access to social media (or blocking them) to help prevent depression or spiraling

 

As I said earlier - also going through a similar thing and from a similar situation - and I'm learning to focus on the "now" and to imagine a future with just myself - we spiral when we focus on what "could have been". You cannot beat yourself up for getting down as even with NC in place you will feel down at times and it's healthy and natural and all apart of recovering from heartbreak.

 

That's exactly one thing to focus on - if someone walks away so easily from you and your life then either they never really cared despite what they said (and even their actions could have been superficial or subconscious) or they spent weeks (or months in my case) emotionally withdrawing b/c they couldn't face their feelings and tell you straight how they felt.

 

And of course, feeling bad about your partner being with someone new is normal too. It's a good sign that you can see the pictures and not react. BUt please keep in mind - recovery does swing back and forth. You could feel that way now and later today or next week or even next month relapse and feel bad depending on what's going on in your life.

 

And that's something to keep in mind going forward. And why having your friends and family meet a potential SO is so important - they can pick up on things you can't. For me, it's knowing that I need the trifecta - someone with the personality that I need/want in a partner, with long-term compatibility on what's important to me, and who is mature, knows what they want, and can communicate.

 

You tried your best and she and her life experience blocked her from really making it work. You cannot beat yourself up for what you could have done, you can't linger in what might have been, and you just have to learn the lessons the universe has taught you and apply them to the next relationship you get into. And - it's okay to get mad and jealous again - it's a sign you truly loved her and cared about her and that's a good way to look at it - you had so much to offer her and she didn't want it or recognize it - so move on and look to the future.

[LizardWizard24]

Hey OP,

 

 

1. Part of the idea behind NC is to get rid of everything - including mementos, pics, access to social media (or blocking them) to help prevent depression or spiraling

 

 

 

And of course, feeling bad about your partner being with someone new is normal too. It's a good sign that you can see the pictures and not react. But please keep in mind - recovery does swing back and forth. You could feel that way now and later today or next week or even next month relapse and feel bad depending on what's going on in your life.

 

 

 

Yeah, I know I must get rid of all media regarding her, but having a hobby as a photographer makes it hard to delete pictures. I am not gonna lie, I didn't delete our pictures but I kept them in a google account and probably gonna ask a friend to change the password and give it to me until I am completely sure that I have moved on.

 

I know there's a chance that I can feel bad later on, but I am trying my best to focus on myself and I am positive that later on, I will be glad that she dumped me because I will become a better person from now on.

[preraph]

Way to bounce back, LizardWiz.

[scooby-philly]

Yeah, I know I must get rid of all media regarding her, but having a hobby as a photographer makes it hard to delete pictures. I am not gonna lie, I didn't delete our pictures but I kept them in a google account and probably gonna ask a friend to change the password and give it to me until I am completely sure that I have moved on.

 

I know there's a chance that I can feel bad later on, but I am trying my best to focus on myself and I am positive that later on, I will be glad that she dumped me because I will become a better person from now on.

 

Real relationships are about growing together and choosing to fall in love with each other every day. If someone chooses not to grow with you...that's a sign they weren't that in love with you. So you've got a good mindset for moving forward

[rjc149]

I don't know the specifics of your relationship (how long you dated, if you were officially exclusive, and how often you spoke and visited each other) but I would take some comfort, if possible, that she didn't dump you for him -- she dumped the LDR for a real relationship. She broke up with the situation, not you per se.

 

You see, LDR's are not real relationships. Time spent together are mini honeymoons where you are too high on oxytocin and too busy having sex to actually understand the mechanics of your compatibility as partners.

 

90% of communication and displays of affection between partners takes place within the physical presence of each other. That is what intimacy is. In an LDR, intimacy takes place through a screen. It’s not real. The lack of physical touch, and thus intimacy, will cause women to disconnect emotionally. Women need to feel an ongoing emotional connection to remain in relationships. Lack of physical intimacy degrades this connection, and usually quickly.

 

Every woman aged 18-50 who isn't truly gross has dating prospects, or can easily fill a pipeline with new prospects. Women you do not find attractive have suitors. The reality is that she's entertaining offers at all times, consciously or subconsciously, willingly or not. Those men are physically there and you're not, and presenting her with opportunities for sex and intimacy that you simply cannot offer. It's only a matter of time.

 

Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart go wander. In a moment of loneliness, anxiety, or despair, she may hook up with one of these guys, even if she told you she loved you and would never leave you. It will make your head spin but that's simply female nature. They speak and act in accordance with their emotions. It doesn't mean she doesn't actually love you or that she's a lying cheat. It just means she has needs that were not being met by your LDR, and although she cares for you and even remains attracted to you, she felt little justification in continuing to turn down opportunities to have something physical and real in order to keep feeling disconnected, lonely and loved only through a screen. She's human.

.

Here you see why LDR's are so fraught with hazards and why they are a lose-lose situation.

Edited October 15, 2019 by rjc149

[LizardWizard24]

 

 

Every woman aged 18-50 who isn't truly gross has dating prospects, or can easily fill a pipeline with new prospects. Women you do not find attractive have suitors. The reality is that she's entertaining offers at all times, consciously or subconsciously, willingly or not. Those men are physically there and you're not, and presenting her with opportunities for sex and intimacy that you simply cannot offer. It's only a matter of time.

 

They speak and act in accordance with their emotions. It doesn't mean she doesn't actually love you or that she's a lying cheat. It just means she has needs that were not being met by your LDR, and although she cares for you and even remains attracted to you, she felt little justification in continuing to turn down opportunities to have something physical and real in order to keep feeling disconnected, lonely and loved only through a screen. She's human.

 

Yeah, I remember she told me "I want to experience a non LDR relationship", but if she had told me that distance was making her feel lonely, I would for sure have done anything to move in as soon as possible. I was saving money, that's the reason i didn't moved in with her.

 

The other reason I didn't do it was because she told me she could wait another year before we moved in, we were already looking for apartments and planning stuff like that.

 

Sad thing was that I had a lot of opportunities to hook up or date other girls locally, but I never did cuz I really cared for her and now all those girls are gone too haha

Edited October 15, 2019 by LizardWizard24

[scooby-philly]

And that speaks volumes of how little she could open up to you and express her emotions and needs. I've seen plenty of LDRs work out...but if people aren't able to express their true emotions then it wont work. Think about this...at least you found out now instead of moving and it falling apart because she is still unsure of herself and growing up.

Edited October 15, 2019 by scooby-philly
Spelling

[scooby-philly]

OP

 

Feel free to message me to chat.

 

And rememebr... you marry someone family and family history too. Not that you shared hers I think...but if it wasnt healthy then you also lucked out.

[rjc149]

if she had told me that distance was making her feel lonely, I would for sure have done anything to move in as soon as possible. I was saving money, that's the reason i didn't moved in with her.

 

...and this would have killed her attraction to you immediately and probably permanently. Good thing you didn't do this.

 

When a man abandons his life, job, and purpose to be with a woman, he communicates:

 

- his options with women are scarce because he is unattractive

- the woman is the centerpiece of his life and sits on a pedestal

- he is relationship-focused and is trying to nail a woman down into a commitment in order to keep her (possessive)

- he needs to be with the woman in order to be happy

- he's a follower, not a leader

- he doesn't value himself and his own life

 

By not relocating your life to be with her, and moving on with your own life, you preserved your masculine dignity and her attraction for you, thus leaving the door open for a future relationship with her should you even find yourselves able to date conventionally.

[scooby-philly]

@rjc149

 

So you're saying LDRs never work out? I know they do. Not always, but I know people who've been married for 30+ years and they started as a LDR. I get your point about preserving masculinity, but at one point someone has to make the leap to close the distance. How do you propose that to happen?

[rjc149]

They rarely work out. The ones that do are the exceptions that prove the rule. The 30+ year married couples you know of are products of a different society than the current social media smartphone generations typically posting here about heartbreak. We are inundated not only with information and options, but we are typically groomed in casual hookup culture which opts to replace relationships, even marriages, rather than repair them. We go into relationships to get, not give -- and if we don't get, we're on to the next swipe. Your generation refilled your fountain pen when it ran dry. We throw out our Bics and get a new one.

 

Cynicism aside, if a leap of faith is to be taken while still preserving male/female polarity, it should be the woman who leaps and follows. The next best is a compromise, a halfway meeting. Because I'm telling you, when the man follows the woman's path to pursue the relationship and tie her down, this is repulsive to her. If man's two options are to follow the woman to be with her, or respectfully and lovingly end the relationship, it should always, always, be the latter.

Edited October 15, 2019 by rjc149

[scooby-philly]

I'm only 38 my friend....so first year of the "bic" culture - but still prefer a fountain pen.

 

Anyway - that's a very bad view of the world IMHO. Yes, a lot of LDRs don't work out - not saying they do. And in the poster's case it was clear she was not ready for something real. But just as he deserves better, two mature people can make it work - except in his case he was the only mature person.

[preraph]

Long distance things hardly ever work out. First, you may not be around each other enough to even know each other. You can't be around each other enough to justify marrying or even getting engaged. I mean, most people that's at least a couple of years of face-to-face dating. You don't know someone until you have known them face to face for a couple of years.

 

And then the logistics and the temptations to date others. They just aren't practical. You need to date local women.

[scooby-philly]

Long distance things hardly ever work out. First, you may not be around each other enough to even know each other. You can't be around each other enough to justify marrying or even getting engaged. I mean, most people that's at least a couple of years of face-to-face dating. You don't know someone until you have known them face to face for a couple of years.

 

And then the logistics and the temptations to date others. They just aren't practical. You need to date local women.

 

Yes...it's tough. And I'm not saying everyone should do LDR. I'm just saying that it can work out sometimes. But I agree - eventually you need to be able to spend a lot of time with each other to really see what the person is like.