New Guy/Haven’t Dated In While [updated]

[Malin889]

I haven't dated someone new in a very very long time. I was in an abusive relationship with my daughter's dad, and haven't really been able to date anyone seriously since then. It's been about 5 years. I ran into someone recently that I met through friends. We actually met at a friend's party about 6 months ago but didn't get together, but then saw each other out a month ago, he asked me out for a date the next day, but I couldn't go, so he gave me his number and told me to call him when I was ready.

 

I've been busy with my daughter and work, but gave him a call a couple weeks later and we've met up now about 3 times over the last week and a half. Right before we met up he got into a bad car accident, so has been without his car for the last week and a half, so I've been over to his house for these dates (or whatever you call them lol.) He also had to stay out of work for a few days because he hurt his arm very badly and he does manual labor. We've just been getting to know each other, taking walks in his neighborhood (he lives near a great beach) and just talking, it's been fun. He's been very polite, opening my car door for me when I was leaving, being very considerate on our walks.

 

This past time, two days ago, he finally kissed me which was very nice. We ended up making out which was very nice too (It's been about 5 years since I've done that too!). He's buying a new car next week, so I told him to get his car, get his accident stuff settled, and then call me and that I'd like him to take me on a proper date, and told him to plan it. I told him as much fun as coming over his house was, I really wanted to go out.

 

He's divorced within the last few years after a ten year marriage and got married very young (early twenties), so I don't think he properly knows how to date as an adult because he never had too. I asked him that (nicely) and he said I'm probably right.

 

So we had made out, which was at my car right before I left, then I told him to stop because I really had to go. He said "I'll probably never see you again because I went too far." I think he meant with the making out? It was good that he's self aware, but at the same time, I let him kiss me as well, so if anything, we both went too far.

 

Now I just want him to take me to dinner and go out and actually date, but fell like I shouldn't have let him make out with me. Maybe he doesn't want to date. Or maybe he does and it's just all in my head and bad timing. What do you guys think?

[divegrl]

How long has it been since you kissed?

 

You will just have to wait this out. If he wants to date, he will contact with date plans.

 

If he doesn’t want to date, he will not contact. Or he may just invite you over to his house to hang out like you have been doing. It’s up to you if you are ok with this behavior or not.

 

Take care

[Malin889]

The kiss was Tuesday night (I guess I’m a little impatient) and he’s been either texting or calling every other day. But I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday night after I got home, he was asking if I made it home OK. I’m definitely not OK with just “hanging out“ and don’t plan to go over there again. I’m too old for this crap! I want more.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm confused: did you have sex with him or not? This makes a difference in how I see your situation.

[Mrin]

I'm confused: did you have sex with him or not? This makes a difference in how I see your situation.

 

Dude here.

 

Don't second guess yourself. Nothing wrong with a teenager makeout session at all. You didn't "give up the goods". You communicated your expectations well. And if he's going to take you up on them then he's getting his act together to take you out on a proper date. Give him some time. If he doesn't then he wasn't worth your further time.

 

Sit tight. You did the right thing.

[chillii]

What crap , you told him to get his car and stuff organized which was gonna be next week and then give you a call and then take you out real.

Ahh , it's only been a few days .

Edited October 11, 2019 by chillii

[Malin889]

I'm confused: did you have sex with him or not? This makes a difference in how I see your situation.

 

No, we just kissed & made out for a bit.

[Malin889]

Dude here.

 

Don't second guess yourself. Nothing wrong with a teenager makeout session at all. You didn't "give up the goods". You communicated your expectations well. And if he's going to take you up on them then he's getting his act together to take you out on a proper date. Give him some time. If he doesn't then he wasn't worth your further time.

 

Sit tight. You did the right thing.

 

Thank you! I feel like I did the right thing. I think he’ll come around, I guess I just need to be patient. Being with him felt really good, so I’d like to feel that again, but I just have to be patient.

[Malin889]

What crap , you told him to get his car and stuff organized which was gonna be next week and then give you a call and then take you out real.

Ahh , it's only been a few days .

 

Thank you, you’re right. I said that to him, now I just need to be patient.

Edited October 11, 2019 by Malin889

[smackie9]

Be verbal! If you wish to set the pace, then tell him that you want to wait for anything intimate. If he's a gentleman he will accept this and follow your lead. Setting boundaries is very valuable. You wouldn't have any second guessing or confusion on both side.

[Malin889]

Be verbal! If you wish to set the pace, then tell him that you want to wait for anything intimate. If he's a gentleman he will accept this and follow your lead. Setting boundaries is very valuable. You wouldn't have any second guessing or confusion on both side.

 

Thank you! I think he is a gentleman as he’s been very courteous and it took him you’re right it’s up to me to set the pace and set boundaries. I feel like if women don’t do it, who will? Lol. Well I’ve told him what I am looking for so hopefully he’ll follow through. He seems to like me so I guess we’ll see.

[haikss3]

Do you want more? I don't think a date in a restaurant is more than date walking on a beach.

 

I took girls to restaurants a lot when I was starting dating. Later I understood that it's boring and I can do it when I'm old. Why spend money - buy girl food? That's what nice guys do and nice guys are blunt forgettable and replaceable. These days women have their own money. Times have changed. Also, you can't buy relationship with money as many these days think. The guy is confident and not trying to compensate for anything by taking you on expensive dates. Also, there's very little intimacy potential on those eating dates. Girls are not animals and don't get attracted by the food guy feeds them, but they get attached by touches and and being emotional and physically intimate, making the chemistry work.

 

For me, it sounds very queen-like when you said guy to get his car and take you on a proper date.

 

I understand that you havent dated for a long time and now want to experience all kinds of fun dates and romance. But meeting at someone's house isn't teenage-like, its the next level, like the real relationship would be. But of course, even in the longterm relationships, people should go out on dates like once a week or so.

[Flame Aura]

 

For me, it sounds very queen-like when you said guy to get his car and take you on a proper date.

 

Sounds like you don't have much experience with women otherwise you would know women like to be treated exactly like that - a queen.

[Mrin]

For me, it sounds very queen-like when you said guy to get his car and take you on a proper date.

 

I'm a dude. So please take this as man-to-manplaining.

 

This whole "proper date" thing always hits some men as "spend money on me". And I get that. Sometimes it is just "spend money on me". But for the vast majority of women out there, they can buy their own meals and movies and whatever else if they want. What they want is to feel like the guy is making effort to woo her. Chase her. It makes her feel wanted. Desired. Plus, proper dates can be a lot of fun. There is a whole courtship aspect to it. That he is putting some effort in to pursue her.

 

I think the closest analogy from a guy's point of view is when you take a woman out and she doesn't dress up, do her hair and/or put on makeup. Basically makes no attempt at looking attractive to the guy. Some guys are are okay with that - just like some women are okay with guys not making much effort. I've been on dates like that - where the woman shows up looking like she just got off her couch after binge watching GOT for 6 hours. Didn't make me feel good. Certainly didn't make me feel proud to be out with her. And certainly didn't make me want to make any more effort for her.

 

Hope this helps!

 

Mrin

[Malin889]

Do you want more? I don't think a date in a restaurant is more than date walking on a beach.

 

I took girls to restaurants a lot when I was starting dating. Later I understood that it's boring and I can do it when I'm old. Why spend money - buy girl food? That's what nice guys do and nice guys are blunt forgettable and replaceable. These days women have their own money. Times have changed. Also, you can't buy relationship with money as many these days think. The guy is confident and not trying to compensate for anything by taking you on expensive dates. Also, there's very little intimacy potential on those eating dates. Girls are not animals and don't get attracted by the food guy feeds them, but they get attached by touches and and being emotional and physically intimate, making the chemistry work.

 

For me, it sounds very queen-like when you said guy to get his car and take you on a proper date.

 

I understand that you havent dated for a long time and now want to experience all kinds of fun dates and romance. But meeting at someone's house isn't teenage-like, its the next level, like the real relationship would be. But of course, even in the longterm relationships, people should go out on dates like once a week or so.

 

Thank you Haikss3, I don’t mean let’s go on an expensive date and spend money on me. I can buy myself dinner. I just would like to get out of the house and go somewhere— anywhere- to snow that he is making an effort. If we continue to go to his house, it turns into a physical relationship quickly and then could fizzle quickly and I don’t want that. I want to take it slow and experience things together. Do you understand what I mean?

[Malin889]

Sounds like you don't have much experience with women otherwise you would know women like to be treated exactly like that - a queen.

 

Thank you Flame Aura! :-)

[Malin889]

I'm a dude. So please take this as man-to-manplaining.

 

This whole "proper date" thing always hits some men as "spend money on me". And I get that. Sometimes it is just "spend money on me". But for the vast majority of women out there, they can buy their own meals and movies and whatever else if they want. What they want is to feel like the guy is making effort to woo her. Chase her. It makes her feel wanted. Desired. Plus, proper dates can be a lot of fun. There is a whole courtship aspect to it. That he is putting some effort in to pursue her.

 

I think the closest analogy from a guy's point of view is when you take a woman out and she doesn't dress up, do her hair and/or put on makeup. Basically makes no attempt at looking attractive to the guy. Some guys are are okay with that - just like some women are okay with guys not making much effort. I've been on dates like that - where the woman shows up looking like she just got off her couch after binge watching GOT for 6 hours. Didn't make me feel good. Certainly didn't make me feel proud to be out with her. And certainly didn't make me want to make any more effort for her.

 

Hope this helps!

 

Mrin

 

Exactly Mrin—well said. I want him to woo me and take things slow. I don’t need an expensive dinner, I just want to get out of the house and experience things with him and I’d like him to make an effort. I made an effort by going to his house, and I’d like him to make an effort and I want to know that he really likes me.

 

As for not dressing up if a guy takes me out— I can’t even imagine that. I feel like it’s almost disrespectful. :-( This past Tuesday when I went to his house, it was very spur of the moment and I was in my work clothes, which are dressy enough, but I really wanted to look nice for him so I did my hair as best I could and put on makeup before leaving work. I guess it worked, but my point is, if I like someone I always want to look good for them, even if we’ve been dating for awhile. :-)

[chillii]

Thank you Haikss3, I don’t mean let’s go on an expensive date and spend money on me. I can buy myself dinner. I just would like to get out of the house and go somewhere— anywhere- to snow that he is making an effort. If we continue to go to his house, it turns into a physical relationship quickly and then could fizzle quickly and I don’t want that. I want to take it slow and experience things together. Do you understand what I mean?

 

 

 

 

Don't worry l didn't take it like that at all it was pretty obvious why you suggested those things and personally l thought it was nice too.

Anyway , good luck with things.

[Malin889]

Don't worry l didn't take it like that at all it was pretty obvious why you suggested those things and personally l thought it was nice too.

Anyway , good luck with things.

 

Thanks Chillii! I hope it works out because I do like him and I haven’t liked someone in a really long time.

[Malin889]

I have a quick update on my situation: I ended up calling this guy I just started seeing, 'cause I realized, as my friend said, men are literal (are they?) and was probably just doing what I said and not calling me until he got his car and everything settled, and I wanted to keep the lines of communication open. I had super butterflies in my stomach.

 

He did answer on the 2nd ring, I guess that's a good sign, right? We talked for almost an hour. We probably would have talked for longer but I cut the phone call short because it was getting late.

 

He laughed a lot at my stupid jokes (or maybe just at me lol), we laughed a lot in general. I asked him if he wanted to go out, and he said yes definitely, but he is going to help his buddy move in with his girlfriend this weekend, he'll be flying to his buddy's house and will be gone Fri-Sun, and he said he would call me when he gets back. But of course I'm thinking it's negative that I'm not seeing him beforehand... even though he's leaving in a day and a half. I suppose if I really wanted to see him beforehand, I could, but I'm busy with my daughter tomorrow night and neither one of us suggested it, probably because of what I said previously.

 

Oh well, I guess it's good I kept the lines of communication open and he answered, right? I guess the ball's in his court. But I can't help but hate the "I'll call you when I get back" sentence. Was that just a polite thing to say? I kind of want to text him tonight or tomorrow to tell him I just want to kiss him again, but I don't want it to come off as I just want a hook up, because I want a lot more.

[chillii]

Remember the thread , told ya the same thing your friend did. But it still must only be a wk or so and now he's flying off a few days anyway.

l'd say chill out , all you can do.

lf he's real you'll hear from him when he's back hopefully.

Good luck anyway.

[Versacehottie]

I think let him make the next move. You can't want a relationship with this guy more than you want a good guy/the right guy for you. You will get in danger of doing "too much or trying too hard" if you make the next move IMO. Whether you end up in a relationship or the guy is not having it, you would be setting the pattern and dynamic between you and doing all the heavy lifting and work of the progression of the relationship.

 

It seems like he already has a tendency to be a lazy dater--be careful or you will end up with a lazy boyfriend. Guys have to make the leap or effort on their own and their own timetable IMO to be a good partner; otherwise you will just be doing most if not all of the work and constantly be frustrated, more than now. Don't jump to the END, i.e. that you want him. Take it on a interaction by interaction basis to see if he measures up and how he makes you feel. Right now it's to be determined because he has some positives but also a lot of negatives or unknowns. Good luck

[Malin889]

Remember the thread , told ya the same thing your friend did. But it still must only be a wk or so and now he's flying off a few days anyway.

l'd say chill out , all you can do.

lf he's real you'll hear from him when he's back hopefully.

Good luck anyway.

 

Thank you. I’m assuming he wouldn’t have picked up the phone if he didn’t want to hear from me.

[Versacehottie]

Sure he wouldn't have picked up the phone. But it remains to be seen the level of interest really. That's a notch above indifference and low level of effort. He could be curious, he could like the attention. Lots of guys will "hang in there" because they don't dislike the woman but they aren't exactly hot for her either. Again, lazy. Or worse, lazy about you.

 

Effort should be more balanced. Or you will think breadcrumbs are awesome. Answering the phone is almost akin to a breadcrumb. Nothing to get super excited about. It's not bad but let's not make it overly good. See what he does next.

[Malin889]

Sure he wouldn't have picked up the phone. But it remains to be seen the level of interest really. That's a notch above indifference and low level of effort. He could be curious, he could like the attention. Lots of guys will "hang in there" because they don't dislike the woman but they aren't exactly hot for her either. Again, lazy. Or worse, lazy about you.

 

Effort should be more balanced. Or you will think breadcrumbs are awesome. Answering the phone is almost akin to a breadcrumb. Nothing to get super excited about. It's not bad but let's not make it overly good. See what he does next.

 

I agree with you 9000%. I know his efforts have been lazy, which is why I told him I’m not coming over again and to call me when he gets his new car, etc and everything from the accident settled and we’ll go out for a proper date. We had a nice text exchange the next day after the phone call in which we both said we like each other, which I think helped both of us. (Or it at least made me feel better!) He was out of town this weekend. Now I’m leaving the ball in his court and letting him make the next move. I want to be romanced.