Unhappy_Nerd Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Hey all, I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, or just venting a bit. I've been seeing my girlfriend for a year and a half. She and her almost-three-year-old son have been living with me since February. We have both stated that we aren't interested at all in marriage. Ever. We've discussed having an open relationship, and sleeping with other people. She actually brought it up in the first place. She has said she's bi-curious - she's kissed other girls before, but gone no further. She has told me (many times) that if I'm interested in another woman, I should go for it - just need to tell her, and keep std tests up to date. All that being said...I'm not really *sure* that she means it. I have a suspicion that if I actually followed through with screwing someone else, she'd be hurt. But I'm not sure if that's just because my past relationships have been with super-jealous women. To be honest, I'm not really all *that* interested in hooking up with people - my sex drive isn't all that high...but if a hot 20-something wanted to pick me up at a bar, I wouldn't say no. I think I'd be a lot more comfortable with her proposal of an open relationship is she made the first move...she knows someone that she's talked about getting with, but keeps hesitating. She says she's not interested in any other men, just potentially women. Anyone with similar experiences have any advice or commentary?
mark clemson Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 (edited) I was in an open relationship in HS (so a long time ago). I went on a student trip for a week and had a fling with a very attractive girl in the student group. Not shockingly, about a week after my GF found out she came over and broke up with me. I tried to maintain things with the fling girl, but she broke it off after about another week. So, that's an experience. I wouldn't base your decisions on this one example from someone else's adolescence. But yes, IMO you're wise to be cautious with this. It's possible she's trying to keep her options open in case a better guy comes along. You might look for telltale signs in case that's what's actually going on. You might consider encouraging her to find a female partner and explore that in hopes of landing the coveted "unicorn" (a bi female who joins an existing couple and is intimate with both of you). Edited October 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator References to outside web site redacted.
kendahke Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 I think I'd be a lot more comfortable with her proposal of an open relationship is she made the first move...she knows someone that she's talked about getting with, but keeps hesitating. She says she's not interested in any other men, just potentially women. Even if she went along, she still might be hurt that you went ahead and did it because she didn't seek out a man who could pose an emotional threat to you whereas a woman would pose an emotional threat to her. I, myself, wouldn't even tread there. That's asking for an extra helping of hell. Sex has a way of changing perspective sometimes. What are your feelings about a woman coming in and taking up space in her emotional intimacy?
alphamale Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 I was in an open relationship in HS (so a long time ago). I went on a student trip for a week and had a fling with a very attractive girl in the student group. Not shockingly, about a week after my GF found out she came over and broke up with me. I tried to maintain things with the fling girl, but she broke it off after about another week. did you sleep with either of them?
Author Unhappy_Nerd Posted October 10, 2019 Author Posted October 10, 2019 (edited) I was in an open relationship in HS (so a long time ago). I went on a student trip for a week and had a fling with a very attractive girl in the student group. Not shockingly, about a week after my GF found out she came over and broke up with me. I appreciate the perspective. I'm not at all concerned about her looking for a better guy - if she finds somebody she thinks is better for her, then she should pursue that. Really. After my divorce last year, I'm done playing games. Life is too short to be unhappy. Edited October 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
elaine567 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 She wants a woman and she may just be keeping you in reserve until she finds one. Men tend to think female/female partnerships are some sort of a joke and are no real threat to the "serious" male/female partnership and that hopefully there may be a threesome coming his way. But that is often very untrue. Female partnerships may be very serious and for many lesbians and bi women, threesomes with a man are the last thing they want... She brought this up, she wants a woman or she already has a woman (many who suggest opening up the relationship are already in an affair) and she doesn't really care what you do... what does that tell you? You are getting all fired up with excitement, but are missing what she is really saying here... 1
Author Unhappy_Nerd Posted October 10, 2019 Author Posted October 10, 2019 (edited) Even if she went along, she still might be hurt that you went ahead and did it because she didn't seek out a man who could pose an emotional threat to you whereas a woman would pose an emotional threat to her Yeah, that's a bit of what I'm afraid of. That it would hurt her, even though she gave permission. When it comes to her taking a female partner, I have no issues. I certainly don't feel threatened by it in any way. Boobies are magic, she should play with some too. Edited October 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Unhappy_Nerd Posted October 10, 2019 Author Posted October 10, 2019 (edited) She wants a woman and she may just be keeping you in reserve until she finds one. Men tend to think female/female partnerships are some sort of a joke and are no real threat to the "serious" male/female partnership and that hopefully there may be a threesome coming his way... I think you're dead wrong on that, honestly. I don't consider anyone's relationship a joke, and I'm not looking for a unicorn to join us...neither is my gf, from the conversations we've had about it. She does want a woman, or at least to try it. That's not at issue. I'm good with that. I want her to do whatever makes her happy. Edited October 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
BC1980 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 I'm skeptical of this. Honestly, what man or woman truly wants to share their partner? This could be a ruse for her to look around while you are providing her with a place to stay. You said she lives with you. You didn't say you live together. Do you think she is freeloading off of you?
Author Unhappy_Nerd Posted October 10, 2019 Author Posted October 10, 2019 (edited) @BC1980.... No...I just meant she moved in with me. She pays a share of rent & other expenses. I make a lot more than she does (a bit less than twice her income), so I don't ask that she split 50/50. Our relationship is solid, as far as that goes. I'm in no way concerned about infidelity. Really. If she's interested in other male partners, that's her business. I prefer that she not bring them home, but other than that I really don't care as long as she's up front with me about it, and gets regular STD checkups. Edited October 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
smackie9 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 I really don't see an issue here if you are OK with giving her a better quality of life, and you get companionship. You both get what you want out of this arrangement. You don't need to know what she is doing, and she doesn't need to know what you are doing as long as everyone comes home for supper. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 If you don't trust her simple mention of an open relationship, then you guys cannot possibly pull off an open relationship. Open relationships require enormously precise communication and trust. You guys don't have that.
mark clemson Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 did you sleep with either of them? This was HS so actually no, just "heavy petting". (Apologies for T/J.)
mark clemson Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 @alphamale @ OP, BTW, there are lots of online resources you could research on polyamory if interested. Might be a good idea in case your GF follows through on her thoughts in that area. GL!
crispytoast Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 An open relationship requires a lot of emotional maturity. If you're into it and you have that maturity, then it can be rewarding. I had one with an ex who was into women. It was really fun because she would share me with her friends. But it also came with the side factor of her doing erotic photo shoots with her friends, very openly flirting with other people around me, etc. I personally didn't mind, we had a sexually liberal relationship. It was a lot of fun. Id do it again. But honestly here you are going to get a lot of "ew nevers" from a lot of people who aren't even comfortable with their partners having opposite sex friendships. 1
divegrl Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 She is definitely NOT ok with you being with someone else. She is OK with her experimenting with other people. You are only to be involved if she asks you to join. Take care
snowboy91 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 I can understand where your discomfort is coming from given your experiences. But I'd like you to see the bigger picture here. You've set up an open arrangement where you've been told what the expectations are (ie. keep her in the loop, keep tests up to date). If you do things within those expectations and she's not OK with it, she has either flat out lied to you (and that's totally on her), or she hasn't had the experience of an open relationship to deal with the feelings that may come up. Ultimately you want to be able to trust that you're not going to hurt her by doing something she's told you that you can do. The fact that she brought it up is a good sign. 1
alphamale Posted October 11, 2019 Posted October 11, 2019 oopen relationships work great on paper but not so great in real life
I'veseenbetterlol Posted October 11, 2019 Posted October 11, 2019 Hey all, I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, or just venting a bit. I've been seeing my girlfriend for a year and a half. She and her almost-three-year-old son have been living with me since February. We have both stated that we aren't interested at all in marriage. Ever. We've discussed having an open relationship, and sleeping with other people. She actually brought it up in the first place. She has said she's bi-curious - she's kissed other girls before, but gone no further. She has told me (many times) that if I'm interested in another woman, I should go for it - just need to tell her, and keep std tests up to date. All that being said...I'm not really *sure* that she means it. I have a suspicion that if I actually followed through with screwing someone else, she'd be hurt. But I'm not sure if that's just because my past relationships have been with super-jealous women. To be honest, I'm not really all *that* interested in hooking up with people - my sex drive isn't all that high...but if a hot 20-something wanted to pick me up at a bar, I wouldn't say no. I think I'd be a lot more comfortable with her proposal of an open relationship is she made the first move...she knows someone that she's talked about getting with, but keeps hesitating. She says she's not interested in any other men, just potentially women. Anyone with similar experiences have any advice or commentary? If you aren't interested and she wants an open relationship, she isn't the girl for you.
kamani Posted October 11, 2019 Posted October 11, 2019 Tread on carefully, specially if you are young. Open relationships are not easy but not impossible. I am married to a bisexual man and had no idea about it until 8 years of marriage. He physically cheated on me with men while I remained completely faithful. My However he swears he loved no one else but me and I had no clue or sign to believe otherwise. My problem was I was not getting enough sex from him. We agreed to have sex with other people without emotional attachment. He had no problem with that (at least it seems so), as he had done for a lifetime. I was very hesitant at the beginning, but started to enjoy it quickly. Sex between me and my husband became more frequent which is exactly what I wanted. However I developed feelings towards one of my Booty Calls. When I told it to my husband he took it as a joke and told me ‘You are only going to get hurt, he won’t have any feelings for you.’ Well, that’s what usually happens, OK, fine. However my husband was not ‘as OK as he thought’ when the man started showing signs of attachment. Sex was mind blowing with my Booty Call, but for Gods Sake I ended it and things became peaceful again. So my advice, it can be done only if you put your partner and their feelings first, with very honest communication. 1
central Posted October 11, 2019 Posted October 11, 2019 Our relationship has been successfully open since the beginning - 20 years now. As others have said, it takes great communication and setting of clear boundaries and expectations. Emotional maturity and/or the ability to work through concerns and unexpected negative feelings is essential. So talk about it in greater detail, discuss different scenarios that you think may trigger issues, and figure out if they might be and how to deal with it if they do. Society conditions us to think in terms of monogamy, and that is probably best for most people. Some find that too limiting, and pursue other options. Some fail, and some find happiness and fulfillment with their alternative relationships.
crispytoast Posted October 11, 2019 Posted October 11, 2019 Society conditions us to think in terms of monogamy, and that is probably best for most people. Some find that too limiting, and pursue other options. Some fail, and some find happiness and fulfillment with their alternative relationships. Yes well said. I've been of the belief that if you truly love someone, you want them to do what makes them happy. If what makes them happy isn't congruent with what you want, then you move on. 1
Calmandfocused Posted October 11, 2019 Posted October 11, 2019 Op I don’t think you love your girlfriend. You have this very detached “whatever will be will be” attitude from what you’ve written. Couples in love rarely exhibit such a blasé approach. Is this really about an open relationship or is this really about not feeling about your girlfriend the way you think you should? Might be something worth thinking about.
Author Unhappy_Nerd Posted October 11, 2019 Author Posted October 11, 2019 Tread on carefully, specially if you are young. Open relationships are not easy but not impossible. I am married to a bisexual man and had no idea about it until 8 years of marriage. He physically cheated on me with men while I remained completely faithful. My However he swears he loved no one else but me and I had no clue or sign to believe otherwise. My problem was I was not getting enough sex from him. We agreed to have sex with other people without emotional attachment. He had no problem with that (at least it seems so), as he had done for a lifetime. I was very hesitant at the beginning, but started to enjoy it quickly. Sex between me and my husband became more frequent which is exactly what I wanted. However I developed feelings towards one of my Booty Calls. When I told it to my husband he took it as a joke and told me ‘You are only going to get hurt, he won’t have any feelings for you.’ Well, that’s what usually happens, OK, fine. However my husband was not ‘as OK as he thought’ when the man started showing signs of attachment. Sex was mind blowing with my Booty Call, but for Gods Sake I ended it and things became peaceful again. So my advice, it can be done only if you put your partner and their feelings first, with very honest communication. Thanks for sharing that. For the record, I'll be 40 in November, and my gf is 33. So not particularly young. She has a very high body count - before we started dating, she was seeing a new guy every week or so. I'm definitely the 'prude' in our relationship - I can only claim like 11 partners in my life, and that's only if you broadly define sex to include oral and hand play.
Recommended Posts