anxiety_aerial Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Recently I've been in a call with my girl. And she mentioned how the previous night, a guy has been flirting with her "non stop" and she simply ignored it. I mentioned that I was feeling "uncomfortable" with it. is it wrong that i did this? Like.. I told her i'm not a jealous guy, but feeling uncomfortable with it sure is a bit different isn't it? Then she asked all of the sudden, is there anything I dislike about her? and to be completely honest. to be honest, there isn't anything I dislike about her. but the fact we disagree on one thing, and that's "hurting" the other person by not saying that she isn't interested. she think it's hurtful to do so, I think it's a sense of respect for the thing we have. asked her about me, she says there isn't anything she dislikes about me. i asked, even the thing with me feeling a bit uncomfortable if a guy hits on you all night long? she says that it's so cute. What the hell? I'm taking it as a compliment that people are flirting with her. but if i'm always happy with it? i don't think so. is this wrong by any chance?
Maddie82 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 It's not wrong at all feeling uncomfortable about something like that, i you did the right thing telling her so. I think her telling you that was a ploy to find out if you are still invested in her and your relationship with her. 1
Gaeta Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 (edited) I think she is wrong to report to you when guys flirt with her. She should just ignore them and forget about it. Reporting to you serves nothing, it makes you uncomfortable that's all. If she loves you why would she want to make you uncomfortable? To brag she's still got it? The bragging is not worth the hurt it brings you. Tell her you trust her and next time some guy hits on her you prefer to not know. . Edited October 10, 2019 by Gaeta 1
Author anxiety_aerial Posted October 10, 2019 Author Posted October 10, 2019 Thank you so much for the replies, this is the 3rd time that i'm starting to date. and i was insecure in my 1st one like crazy. 2nd one, not at all and I want to keep it like that for the 3rd one. Is there any more advice you can give me? And what's the next thing I can say actually if something like that happens again?
smackie9 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 She's doing it to make sure you care for her by getting a response from you, like "I would smash that guy!" or "I would have taken care of it", you know fight for her honor, so she feels special, you are her shining knight. Hence the reason why she started on this crap about asking what you don't like about her....she's feeling insecure in your relationship because A) you are slacking in the romance dept, or B) you show very little emotion towards her. or C) she looking for attention. 2
d0nnivain Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Of course you can feel uncomfortable. But you have to think about her motive for telling you. If she was telling you to make you jealous, that is not good. If she was telling you to reinforce that she's loyal, take a deep breath & be appreciative. Men flirt with me all the time. It's not big deal & it's about as serious or thoughtful as breathing. When I first got married somebody told me it would be an affront to my marriage if I failed to disclose to my husband every time a man flirted with me. So the next time it happened I told him. He was stunned. He paused then asked me if the guy crossed the line & did I need him to punch the guy out. That was my turn to be stunned. My husband then explained that he knows I'm attractive & that men flirt with me but it's never been a problem. He also said he'd rather I not mention it to him unless it's a problem that I can't handle. Try his technique. You will validate your GF as a desirable woman who you trust but you won't have to hear about it. 2
Versacehottie Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 (edited) Yeah I agree with gaeta and donnavin. Tell her there is no need mention it. Unless the flirting crosses the line and is threatening and she needs your help or if somehow it's someone she knows and they are intruding into your relationship (which should not happen if she shuts them down, however gently she chooses to do it), then there is no real reason for you to know. It actually only plants jealousy seeds and adds instability to the relationship. If you've built something based on trust, then trust her to handle it--even if it is in her own way. And she should stop trying to get you roped into "feeling something more" through jealousy. I suspect there was an element if not the entire purpose of her disclosing this to you. It's a bit immature and is backfiring already. You can be the way you were in your 2nd relationship by not allowing other people's interest or her insignificant little disclosures intended to get a reaction from you, into your life. I'm really surprised donnavin's friend gave her that advice upon marrying. Love that her husband basically said "not necessary". I think if a person is outgoing or pretty or vibrant flirtations (meaningless) happen frequently! I think they often happen even when a person is not those things. The real question would be why is she attaching meaning to them if they are not significant or is she conveniently misinterpreting them or over exaggerating in order to get your reaction. Perhaps you are not giving her enough reassurance on the daily. Perhaps she is small minded. I think you should step back on telling her how to control these occurrences though. As long as she is not giving out her number, social media details, she can and should handle it in her way. Good luck ps don't think you were wrong for mentioning it. basically need to come up with a viable solution though that is best for the relationship and your sanity. Edited October 10, 2019 by Versacehottie 1
vla1120 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Thank you so much for the replies, this is the 3rd time that i'm starting to date. and i was insecure in my 1st one like crazy. 2nd one, not at all and I want to keep it like that for the 3rd one. Is there any more advice you can give me? And what's the next thing I can say actually if something like that happens again? I agree with the advice you've been given here. Just let her know that you're not surprised men flirt with her since she is desirable and that you only need to know if it is a problem she cannot handle. Pay close attention to the things she says to you along those lines. If it sounds like she is looking for affirmation from you (in a normal, healthy way), maybe tell her more often the many things you like about her. Most importantly, try to relax and enjoy your relationship. Like you stated, you've become more secure in your relationships from the first time you dated. That's a good thing! 1
snowboy91 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Let's say that the guy tried to flirt with her while you were in the room, but for whatever reason you couldn't interact with them. I would imagine you would expect your GF to brush it off and not engage with it. That's exactly what happened. From that perspective you have reason to trust her. You're not the only one who's ever going to find your GF attractive, so you need to trust that she has chosen you. On the other hand, like the others I get the feeling she told you to get a reaction from you. Don't play into that game, it's more stress than it's worth. 1
TheFinalWord Posted October 11, 2019 Posted October 11, 2019 (edited) My friend, this is what we call as $hit test. Normally, she wants to see your confidence to not become unglued because another guy is hitting on her. You should perceive yourself as her best option, that if she were to leave, you would be sad, but would be totally fine. But in this case, I think she is trying to gauge how much you like her so if you acted indifferent, it may have been the wrong move. So good job there. Second, women rarely say things straight forward. Are you spending enough time with her? She may be doing this to get you to want to spend more time with her. That may be why she asked if there is something you dislike about her, and she is using the jealousy facade to see if you care about her or get jealous. Give us more information about your relationship. How often do you spend time together? Is there anything she has asked you to do with her, that you don't do? Do you have shared values? Do you have a common vision for life? Anymore info about your relationship you can share the better. Because these are forms of indirect communication. Edited October 11, 2019 by TheFinalWord 2
Maggiemay1 Posted October 11, 2019 Posted October 11, 2019 I haven’t actually read any replies so far so excuse me if I’m repeating anyone else. A guy will not non stop flirt with a girl all night if she is ignoring him. So, if he was flirting with her non stop she allowed it. But I’m not even convinced he existed. This is definitely a red flag and one you shouldn’t ignore. She sounds like she is trying to provoke you. But why??? Do you flirt and compliment her? Is it a hint that she needs that from a partner? Is she wanting more attention from you? It sounds like she is game playing and if I were you I would simply have responded with “I know how you feel, I hate when someone tries to flirt with me all night and I’m just trying to catch up with friends” 1
barismm Posted October 11, 2019 Posted October 11, 2019 (edited) Is there any more advice you can give me? And what's the next thing I can say actually if something like that happens again? Just don't worry, be calm and don't show your disappointment about her ploys, because if she sees it, she will definitely continue to use your weakness. Edited October 11, 2019 by barismm 1
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