Anxietyinplay Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Met someone new and after being really hurt in some prior relationships I am much more aware of certain behaviors from a partner. The new partner has a lot of qualities I'm looking for but there are a few early behavior things that I'm a bit concerned about, including the following: 1. He keeps telling me he's been looking for someone like me for a really long time and he wants our relationship to work. No doubt "he's really into me". 2. He visited for a holiday and decided to take a train instead of driving. He asked me to go online and buy the ticket and he'd reimburse me. Well he came and left yesterday but I haven't seen any $ yet. I feel awkward asking for the $ and reminding him (he should remember). 3. He seems very thoughtful and generous. He brought wine and flowers, etc. to me. I purchased the holiday meal. 4. He seems transparent about his life - I don't think he is hiding anything from me but my adult son says he likes him "but feels like something is off". My son can misinterpret people sometimes but not always. Does this behavior seem concerning? Again, I don't want to jump into a very serious relationship immediately but also don't want to invest my time and end up hurt and depressed all over again.
Gaeta Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 How long ago did you start dating him? 1. If he just met you then he's blowing sand in your eyes, he's trying to sweep you off of your feet and I believe he does that because he's after financially exploiting you. 2. Totally unacceptable, and typical of men wanting to financially exploit you. You do not disburse any money for a man you've just met recently. Financial help is for long term relationships that have past the test of time. 3. Wine and flowers cost 25% of what the holiday meal must have cost. Why isn't this man treating you to the meal? 4. Your son is right to be wary of this man. .
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 You should not be footing the bill for a man to come visit you. He is taking advantage of you. If he were "really into you" as he claims, he would be on his best behavior and therefore would have paid you back immediately upon arriving. Ask for your money back and keep your eyes open from here on. Any more requests from him for money or any more bad vibes are grounds to dismiss him. 1
preraph Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Why on earth would you go along with paying for his ticket? He's using you. Dump him. In 68 years, no man has asked me to pay for his ticket or for him to come see me. He's a user. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 You're assuming being anxious means you invent red flags, see things that aren't there. In fact, anxiousness cuts the other way--probably more. You ignore red flags and just do so ... because ... "well maybe I'm anxious." You get a bad feeling and instead of accepting your feeling that something is off, you ignore it ... thus getting more "anxious." All four of these points are red flags ... every one ... Indeed any one of these could qualify as enough of a red flag to sort put yourself on guard. Your intuition right now is screaming! ... Your body and brain know something is wrong with: 1. a guy who early on says he's been looking for you his entire life (desperate, clingy, committing way too early and soon) 2. a guy who is generous but asks you to buy a train ticket (manipulative as all ... dishonest ... he's probably broke ... but charging a ton of things on credit just to get through a weekend ) 3. a confirmation from your son that "something is off." (This means this guy's behavior is so odd ... that it stands out ... even though you two cannot find the precise words--because the oddness of his behavior is so strange that you're not used to seeing it. That means something is WAY OFF!) Good luck ... definitely reason to be alarmed. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Him asking you to pay for your ticket is a problem. The rest of it is equivocal at best. Your own paranoia is what's pushing this into questionable. Don't discount your son's bad feeling. I'd say a hefty dose of skepticism is important here but don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.
findingnemo Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 You paid for his train ticket? Major red flag. Yuuuge! I think you should slow it down.
Author Anxietyinplay Posted October 10, 2019 Author Posted October 10, 2019 How do I ask for the money? I'll be seeing him tomorrow. He did bring me a very good electric toothbrush (he is a dentist) so I don't think he is cheap necessarily.
Gaeta Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 It's not because he's a dentist that he can't be full of debts. You have not answered how long you've met him? You tell him you have a big bill to pay next week and will need he pays you back.
stillafool Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 How do I ask for the money? I'll be seeing him tomorrow. He did bring me a very good electric toothbrush (he is a dentist) so I don't think he is cheap necessarily. They get these for free. He probably has a box of them. 3
stillafool Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 How do I ask for the money? I'll be seeing him tomorrow. He did bring me a very good electric toothbrush (he is a dentist) so I don't think he is cheap necessarily. Are you serious? You say,"hey I forgot to ask you for the train ticket reimbursement, can I have it now?" Why is that hard for you when it is your money? 1
preraph Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 How do I ask for the money? I'll be seeing him tomorrow. He did bring me a very good electric toothbrush (he is a dentist) so I don't think he is cheap necessarily. Just stop seeing him! You should never give money or share money with anyone you are not married to! No decent man would ask. And then he's not paid you back. If you go along with this, it will be one thing after another and he'll bleed you dry. If you have to ask to get this money back, then your time is better spent just cutting him off and blocking him and cancelling the date and forgetting about the money. He's a mooch looking for a mama.
Redhead14 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 How do I ask for the money? I'll be seeing him tomorrow. He did bring me a very good electric toothbrush (he is a dentist) so I don't think he is cheap necessarily. You you ask him to pay for the ticket straight up if he doesn't bring it up first when you see him. As for the toothbrush -- sales reps visit his offices on a regular basis and provide samples to distribute to their patients to test, try, etc. Anxiety is one thing, naivete is another.
vla1120 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 They are all red flags. You are right to be concerned. A man who wants to make a good impression on you would never ask you to pay for the ticket for him to come and see you. If he couldn't afford it on that holiday, he should have waited until he could afford it on his own. If you truly do enjoy his company and want to give him a chance, you just need to set very strong boundaries (no more giving him money, and tell him up front that you expect him to pay at least half of any expenses when you are out together.) You also need to tell him to take it a little slower to give the two of you time to get to know one another. Finally, do you know for certain that he is a dentist? The few dentists I know are never short on money. Make sure your eyes are wide open moving forward.
clia Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 How do I ask for the money? I'll be seeing him tomorrow. He did bring me a very good electric toothbrush (he is a dentist) so I don't think he is cheap necessarily. How much was the train ticket and why did he need you to buy it for him?
Author Anxietyinplay Posted October 10, 2019 Author Posted October 10, 2019 He just asked me if I'd mind going online to buy the ticket since he had never done it before. But you are all right - he should have paid me as soon as he saw me or at the very least before he left. I'll bring it up tomorrow. I don't mind paying for certain things - like we went out last weekend, he paid for dinner but I paid the parking fee for the car since I drove.
Gaeta Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 He just asked me if I'd mind going online to buy the ticket since he had never done it before.. He should have given you his credit card number. What was the rush? He could have waited to be with you and he inputs his own credit card number in. 2
findingnemo Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 How do I ask for the money? I'll be seeing him tomorrow. He did bring me a very good electric toothbrush (he is a dentist) so I don't think he is cheap necessarily. Just ask for the money in a calm way. "Hey, remember the train ticket? Can you please pay me back?" I don't know how much it was and I think that you should be prepared for it to go either way. His reaction will be a pointer of things to come. The fact that you have to ask bothers me already. Shows signs of financial irresponsibility. Even people with high paying jobs can be financially irresponsible.
stillafool Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 He should have given you his credit card number. What was the rush? He could have waited to be with you and he inputs his own credit card number in. ^^^THIS^^^ The next time a guy asks you to book his trip say, "Sure, what's your credit card number?" That should take care of that. I would have known right away he either is not a dentist and maybe a creep. I think a dentist would know how to make online reservations or have his assistant do it for him. 2
Gaeta Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Yep! I have a hard time believing this guy is indeed a dentist.
olivetree Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Hun, you broke up with your ex for his financial problems and your adult child's concerns. This seems like pretty much the same situation over again. Stop making new usernames for the love of god. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 You don't want to only ask him for the money. You want to ask for the money, demand the money--and then dump him. Actually it's more important that you dump him than it is that you get your money back. 2
chillii Posted October 11, 2019 Posted October 11, 2019 (edited) What behavior you talking about unless being nice as anyone is in a new thing, is a problem these days , apart from a train ticket, but that could be nothing maybe just a slip up or something logical. Or,,,, not , who knows until you bring it up , how much was the ticket ? 20. 100. 500 l mean a 20 dollar ticket who'd hardly even bother anyway. Do you know much about him yet financially , is he set up, home car seem comfortable , l mean for a dentist he should unless a few ex's are draining him. Anyway , see what he says about the ticket first of all and l know we'd all love to know how much it was, if l didn't miss it. Just sayin , keep an open mind at least till you find out what the story is. Edited October 11, 2019 by chillii
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