TAG248 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Dear readers, I hope to get some insights on my circumstances. If this is a long read, I will like to apologize. Your help and advises will be really, really appreciated. Know this guy from a dating app, had a very short period of texting communication and decided on meeting. Our first meet up went pretty well though he was really shy in the beginning. But there was no deny mutual attraction was there. Soon enough, we went out a few more times until one night he kissed me and it seems to be the most natural thing to do. And the next time we kissed, it was more intense but not in a sexual way. It just oozes warmth, can I say that? Anyway, one evening before my business trip, we were talking on the phone and somehow the topic of exclusivity came up without meaning to and it just got really weird. All these happened just 1 month of us dating. So we agreed to talk in person when I am back. During my trip, he still text me and almost always, he always initiates text, so this somehow tells me that he hasn’t been scared away from our last conversation?? I came back and we met up and it was really awkward. His mind was all over the place, we tried holding hands but it was just so unnatural. He texted me after that apologizing for losing focus but I didn’t reply him because I don’t know what to say to his apology. The next night, after gathering my thoughts, I told him matter of fact that I felt kind of embarrassed with our hand holding fiasco and a bit hurt with his distance. Again, he apologized for it but also called out my standoffish manner, fair enough. And he want to meet again. I suggested one Saturday but he came back saying that he was meeting his ex to sort out some stuff so he won’t be sure if we can meet, he will try. But I rejected right off and told him directly that it was a bad idea to see me after he has seen his ex. He agreed but he added the additional remark that it’s important to him to see me but he needed to be honest about his meet up with his ex. The next day, he came back and fixed a day to meet before he fly off for his holiday with his parents. We had the talk and I do have to agree with him about the short time frame we had been dating to go into exclusivity. So I asked for casual exclusive – that we don’t date other people and see how things goes. But without the trappings of commitment (I am not ready). I told him matter of fact that this was more out of practicality because if he was still sleeping with other people, I do not want to risk catching STD if it comes to the stage when we have sex. He doesn’t agree with this concept, to him it is either all in or none. He said it is either exclusively committed or it is not. And this is why he doesn’t see how it would be a concern that he is still dating other people now. His rationale was he just want to meet more people after being in recluse close to a year after his separation plus being a foreigner here, he doesn’t have lots of friends. He wasn’t out prowling for sex. And he said I am the only one who he had kissed and hold hands with. Then I asked if he knows what he wants and without hesitation he said to be frank, he doesn’t. He was just enjoying the time with me and want to spend more time together, let nature takes it course. I am really confused. Throughout our dating time frame, his actions have been very consistent. The way he looked at me is of adoration. He is respectful about giving me time to bring things to a more physical level. He didn’t run away about ‘the talk’. My instincts have always been pretty spot on if someone is just playing with you and I didn’t have these doubts on him. But I do question if I am just a rebound for him (his ex cheated on him, so the breakup was really sudden) or someone he just wants to keep around until someone he thinks is better come along. What makes it more confusing is that whenever I pull away from him, he will make his appearance known. Should I continue to pursue this or walk away?
PegNosePete Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 He's made it pretty clear that he is dating others and will continue to do so. Also seems to me that things aren't as over with his ex as he wants you to believe... Are you OK with continuing to date someone who is still exploring other options? I certainly wouldn't be. There comes a time where one has to either poop or get off the can, but he seems to think you'll wait around for him to play the field.
hippychick3 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Sounds like too much “drama” since the first date. I don’t see consistency at all. He’s clearly not ready to date just one person. Since you would like to exclusively date and get to know one person at a time, I suggest you find someone else. This is not your guy.
elaine567 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Who actually mentioned exclusivity first, him or you? I was unclear from your post.
Author TAG248 Posted October 10, 2019 Author Posted October 10, 2019 Who actually mentioned exclusivity first, him or you? I was unclear from your post. Neither of us bought it up. Not sure what we were talking about at first and somehow this topic came up. This topic wasn't even in our mind at all as we only dated for a month. Both of us is able to talk about anything, everything and then topics that shouldn’t be talk about during that time will just pop up. And usually we just laughed it off, but this ‘exclusive’ thing just got really weird. After that phone conversation, I didn’t persist on talking about it, he is the one initiating it. That is why I am confused with his mixed signals. I am still dating other people too but feelings can be tricky. I have pretty good self control when it comes to getting physical, but this man somehow triggers something very different within me, I am trying very hard not to fall into the FWB trap. Also, the concern I have is with his bad breakup, I do not want to be part of his emotional baggage.
elaine567 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 OK, so if you didn't bring it up then probably he did. As you were obviously not keen on "exclusivity" he backed away and now he is "dating others"... as that is what you are doing. My guess you ruined it for him by not jumping on exclusivity. Now you are no longer "special" and he has put you back into the pack. He was married and people who get married are often monogamous types. He was also cheated on, so the last thing he wants is some woman multi-dating and probably in his mind potentially "handing out favours" on business trips. He wanted to lock you down, before you went on that trip. As you don't want locked down, he is now looking elsewhere and told you so.
stillafool Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 (edited) He feels it's too soon and I agree with him. Yes you are a rebound and so are the other women he's dating. He will not be ready to settle into another relationship until he has dated around, decided who is the best fit for him, and had fulfilled his sexual exploration. This is what newly divorced people do. I don't think you can do anything except keep dating and see where it goes. Edited October 10, 2019 by stillafool 1
preraph Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 I certainly wouldn't be exclusive with him. He can SAY he'll be exclusive, but all that means is he'll sneak around. He's still into his ex, plus dating other women now that he's free. I would put him on the back burner at the very least and keep dating other guys. You don't have to sleep with him if you don't want.
findingnemo Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Dear readers, I hope to get some insights on my circumstances. If this is a long read, I will like to apologize. Your help and advises will be really, really appreciated. Know this guy from a dating app, had a very short period of texting communication and decided on meeting. Our first meet up went pretty well though he was really shy in the beginning. But there was no deny mutual attraction was there. Soon enough, we went out a few more times until one night he kissed me and it seems to be the most natural thing to do. And the next time we kissed, it was more intense but not in a sexual way. It just oozes warmth, can I say that? Anyway, one evening before my business trip, we were talking on the phone and somehow the topic of exclusivity came up without meaning to and it just got really weird. All these happened just 1 month of us dating. So we agreed to talk in person when I am back. During my trip, he still text me and almost always, he always initiates text, so this somehow tells me that he hasn’t been scared away from our last conversation?? I came back and we met up and it was really awkward. His mind was all over the place, we tried holding hands but it was just so unnatural. He texted me after that apologizing for losing focus but I didn’t reply him because I don’t know what to say to his apology. The next night, after gathering my thoughts, I told him matter of fact that I felt kind of embarrassed with our hand holding fiasco and a bit hurt with his distance. Again, he apologized for it but also called out my standoffish manner, fair enough. And he want to meet again. I suggested one Saturday but he came back saying that he was meeting his ex to sort out some stuff so he won’t be sure if we can meet, he will try. But I rejected right off and told him directly that it was a bad idea to see me after he has seen his ex. He agreed but he added the additional remark that it’s important to him to see me but he needed to be honest about his meet up with his ex. The next day, he came back and fixed a day to meet before he fly off for his holiday with his parents. We had the talk and I do have to agree with him about the short time frame we had been dating to go into exclusivity. So I asked for casual exclusive – that we don’t date other people and see how things goes. But without the trappings of commitment (I am not ready). I told him matter of fact that this was more out of practicality because if he was still sleeping with other people, I do not want to risk catching STD if it comes to the stage when we have sex. He doesn’t agree with this concept, to him it is either all in or none. He said it is either exclusively committed or it is not. And this is why he doesn’t see how it would be a concern that he is still dating other people now. His rationale was he just want to meet more people after being in recluse close to a year after his separation plus being a foreigner here, he doesn’t have lots of friends. He wasn’t out prowling for sex. And he said I am the only one who he had kissed and hold hands with. Then I asked if he knows what he wants and without hesitation he said to be frank, he doesn’t. He was just enjoying the time with me and want to spend more time together, let nature takes it course. I am really confused. Throughout our dating time frame, his actions have been very consistent. The way he looked at me is of adoration. He is respectful about giving me time to bring things to a more physical level. He didn’t run away about ‘the talk’. My instincts have always been pretty spot on if someone is just playing with you and I didn’t have these doubts on him. But I do question if I am just a rebound for him (his ex cheated on him, so the breakup was really sudden) or someone he just wants to keep around until someone he thinks is better come along. What makes it more confusing is that whenever I pull away from him, he will make his appearance known. Should I continue to pursue this or walk away? Hi TAG248, Like your date, I would reject the concept of "casual exclusivity". There is only exclusivity and non-exclusivity. I think it doesn't matter how the subject came up, it somehow caused a problem for you both. I do not think that you should pursue him. If he wants to he will come to you. You don't even know this guy enough to want to pursue him. Go out and meet some new guys. 1
kendahke Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 So I asked for casual exclusive – that we don’t date other people and see how things goes. But without the trappings of commitment (I am not ready). There is no such thing as "casual exclusivity". You're exclusive or you're not. If you're not ready for an exclusive relationship with him, then don't get into a relationship with him. Just keep him as a friend in the friendzone with no emotional/intimate expectations on him. But if you want to have expectations of exclusivity with him, that's exclusive girlfriend territory, not buddy territory. He doesn’t agree with this concept, to him it is either all in or none. He said it is either exclusively committed or it is not. And this is why he doesn’t see how it would be a concern that he is still dating other people now He's right. No man in his right mind is going to go along with what you propose. If you want casual, then he's going to keep on dating other women--you're not going to put that to an end without a far better investment on your part. I wouldn't count on him changing his dating other women thing as long as you're trying to pull this 'casual exclusivity' mess.
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