jjb117 Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 I messed up. I messed up badly. I (22M) had been seeing someone (22F) since July. Things were going great and out of nowhere, due to my own insecurities I left. It was impulsive, and extremely immature. Once I realized how stupid I was, I asked for her back, and she took me back but it wasn't the same. We barely spoke. She felt so distant and closed off. The dynamic changed. We were both unhappy. This lasted for about 3 and a half weeks before I decided to meet up with her and end it. But man, the breakup was extremely bittersweet. On one side I felt relief because finally there was clarity, but on the other, I felt deep sorry and regret because this was someone I cared for so much. We both spoke our truth. She admitted due to her past (she was cheated on before), that she doesn't trust easily, and when she deals with conflict she puts walls around her and tries not to deal with it. She admitted she wanted to make this work, but was also scared to be vulnerable once more. And man, right then and there I saw much I truly hurt this girl. We were both on the verge of tears. She said she took me back and was holding on because she does want to go back to what we once were and that she's scared I might move on to someone else. In the end we started talking and laughing as if we didn't have that emotional conversation beforehand. It felt natural, just like before. We both sighed, and she grabbed my face and looked at me straight in the face and said "I have a lot of love for you. Don't forget that." Then gave me a hug, a kiss on the cheek and left. Guys, this was only two days ago, so would it be crazy to just call her and ask her to make this work? I want to do this. I feel like I need to take a chance. I'm willing to go the distance with her.
Gaeta Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 No it's not worth it. Let her go deal with her issues, she is not relationship ready and there is nothing you can do to assist her in that department. She gave you that 'I have a lot of love for you' sentence to ease the blow, if she was in love with you she wouldn't have left. You are not *it* for her. I wouldn't be surprise you see her dating another guy soon.
Author jjb117 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Posted October 9, 2019 No it's not worth it. Let her go deal with her issues, she is not relationship ready and there is nothing you can do to assist her in that department. She gave you that 'I have a lot of love for you' sentence to ease the blow, if she was in love with you she wouldn't have left. You are not *it* for her. I wouldn't be surprise you see her dating another guy soon. It just seemed like she didn't want to end it either, but I suppose you're right.
Flame Aura Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 I want to do this. I feel like I need to take a chance. I'm willing to go the distance with her. If that's what you want then off course you should tell her this. Life is too short to regret things. If it doesn't work at least you followed your heart and tried. Normally I don't advocate going back to an ex as they are an ex for a reason, but you were only together for a couple of months so things barely even got off the ground, maybe it's possible to start fresh going forward.
d0nnivain Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 Think about your relationship as a plate. It was new & solid, one piece. Then you broke up. You smashed the plate into pieces. Looking at the broken pieces of your relationship you wanted to put it back together so you tried. You got out the crazy glue & viola you have a serviceable dish again. However, that glued back together dish still has visible cracks. It's nowhere near as strong, as functional or as pretty as the previously whole, never been broken plate. Hence your relationship was never as good as it had been. Now the glue is also coming undone. Time to 86 the dish & get a new one. Sorry . 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 Really you want to get clear on that insecurity and impulsiveness that led you to leave the relationship in the first place. If those qualities are still there--and of course they're there--you can't just wish them away ... Sounds to me like you're wishing away those issues out of just good feeling for this woman. Issues really don't go away because we "wish" them away. Do some serious work and thinking about your issues ... and if you want to approach her later ... you can ... Irony: often feelings we think are destructive ... are feelings coming out in surprising ways. Part of me thinks you actually were quite unhappy with elements of the relationship and that's why you left ... But you're out of touch with what led you to feel unhappy. Bottom line: work on yourself ... and get ruthlessly honest about what you like about her and what you don't, what you liked about the relationship and what you didn't like. Me thinks that in this renewed infatuation and regret, you're overlooking things you genuinely dislike about her or about your relationship. 1
Maddie82 Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 No, you ended it twice and hurt her twice. A relationship will never work now. She wont trust you again. I suggest you focus on yourself and your ussues for a while before entering another relationship. Something makes you run from them. You need to figure out why that is first.
Author jjb117 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Posted October 9, 2019 Really you want to get clear on that insecurity and impulsiveness that led you to leave the relationship in the first place. If those qualities are still there--and of course they're there--you can't just wish them away ... Sounds to me like you're wishing away those issues out of just good feeling for this woman. Issues really don't go away because we "wish" them away. Do some serious work and thinking about your issues ... and if you want to approach her later ... you can ... Irony: often feelings we think are destructive ... are feelings coming out in surprising ways. Part of me thinks you actually were quite unhappy with elements of the relationship and that's why you left ... But you're out of touch with what led you to feel unhappy. Bottom line: work on yourself ... and get ruthlessly honest about what you like about her and what you don't, what you liked about the relationship and what you didn't like. Me thinks that in this renewed infatuation and regret, you're overlooking things you genuinely dislike about her or about your relationship. It's just not in me, at least I didn't think so. I'm not a coward to just leave like that. I have NEVER done that. I always make it a priority to think things through before doing anything, hence why I rarely feel regret in my life. But man, I still can't understand why I made such a rash decision over incredibly stupid, selfish and immature reasons. That's why I'll probably always feel regret here. I messed up something great and I hurt someone that didn't need to be hurt once more.
SumGuy Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 Your young, she’s young. Sounds like the last conversation went well. Not surprising it was colder when you got back together as she had lost some trust in you. If you reach out my view is you need to address that trust issue head on. Admit you acted out of insecurity the first time, and the distance the second time realizing now how your first actions created it. You can never fix your messed up actions until you first see them and take responsibility for them. Then you need to be honest with yourself and her, what can and will you do to make sure it doesn’t happen again? You may not know, she may not either, but certainly communication when these feelings arise is good. Just like you both communicated so well at the end there. Look your both 22, seeing each other for what 2 months, don’t pressure yourselves with too much expectation, except open honest (which could mean being emotionally vulnerable) communication. You both have still so much to learn about what you want and emotional responses. As someone who is 50 and having seen and heard a lot, how well your last conversation went is unusual, but in a very good way. It shows even in the most f*ed emotional situation you two can talk. That is pretty rare.
Author jjb117 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Posted October 9, 2019 Think about your relationship as a plate. It was new & solid, one piece. Then you broke up. You smashed the plate into pieces. Looking at the broken pieces of your relationship you wanted to put it back together so you tried. You got out the crazy glue & viola you have a serviceable dish again. However, that glued back together dish still has visible cracks. It's nowhere near as strong, as functional or as pretty as the previously whole, never been broken plate. Hence your relationship was never as good as it had been. Now the glue is also coming undone. Time to 86 the dish & get a new one. Sorry . I just wish I never broke it in the first place.
Author jjb117 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Posted October 9, 2019 If that's what you want then off course you should tell her this. Life is too short to regret things. If it doesn't work at least you followed your heart and tried. Normally I don't advocate going back to an ex as they are an ex for a reason, but you were only together for a couple of months so things barely even got off the ground, maybe it's possible to start fresh going forward. I'm thinking about it. I don't want to hurt her anyone, honestly. I feel like i'm doing more harm than good. But she deserves so much happiness, love, loyalty, assurance, and I KNOW I can be that for her. I want to be.
SumGuy Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 It's just not in me, at least I didn't think so. I'm not a coward to just leave like that. I have NEVER done that. I always make it a priority to think things through before doing anything, hence why I rarely feel regret in my life. But man, I still can't understand why I made such a rash decision over incredibly stupid, selfish and immature reasons. That's why I'll probably always feel regret here. I messed up something great and I hurt someone that didn't need to be hurt once more. It’s because your 22 and you are just beginning to encounter relationship situations where your subconscious takes over, with your intelligent conscious mind rationalizing what are irrational emotional responses. Also you don’t yet have the depth of experience to know how good or bad a thing you had with her. If you do get back together, I’d work hard to make up for the hurt, be proactive in making her feel special (because she is to you) be there for her above and beyond. It often takes many rights to make up for a wrong. You may also have to deal with her protecting her heart with distance now, and prove yourself, woo her, for sometime...like months and months time.
SumGuy Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 I'm thinking about it. I don't want to hurt her anyone, honestly. I feel like i'm doing more harm than good. But she deserves so much happiness, love, loyalty, assurance, and I KNOW I can be that for her. I want to be. That’s good. You’ve the right feelings and mindset. Are you ready for what that entails? It may entail you giving and putting much, much more into the relationship for many months and being good and happy with that. All to make amends and prove your regret is not just words but you’ve learned and are taking actions to be better. The real action being good with giving more than your getting without expectation. You are not repairing a broken plate but making a new one to replace the one you broke better than the first.
d0nnivain Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 I just wish I never broke it in the first place. Lesson learned. You won't cut & run so fast in your next relationship.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 I think this kind of thing is pretty typical among early-20s people. My first love and I broke up and got back together many times over the course of about 5 years in our early 20s. Though it didn't last, we learned a lot in the process and enjoyed the time we spent together. 1
Gaeta Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 Things were going great and out of nowhere, due to my own insecurities I left. It was impulsive, and extremely immature. People don't leave relationships impulsively, out of nowhere, when it's going great. You need to be honest with yourself here. What generated your insecurities? There are insecure people that see cheating everywhere, but often insecure people have a good reason to feel uneasy in the relationship. 1
Gaeta Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 Okk, I did a bit of digging and found what I needed. You dated this girl for 5-6 weeks and suddenly you find yourself meeting her friends and parents and talking expectations and future together...you got scared and bailed. I don't blame you, 99% of men would have bailed as well. There is a reason why you panicked, it was too much too fast. It's scary and unhealthy. This woman wants to move too fast, she's all about the end results (marriage & babies) than she is after getting to know you. Dating is a slow journey, you have to take your time and not jump over steps. This lasted only 5-6 weeks, you've lost nothing. Going back would mean more pressure on you. When she starts applying all that pressure again what will you do? fight off the desire to run away? Live in a state of suffocation? . 1
kendahke Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 I had been seeing someone (22F) since July. Things were going great and out of nowhere, due to my own insecurities I left. It was impulsive, and extremely immature. I asked for her back, and she took me back but it wasn't the same. We barely spoke. She felt so distant and closed off. I'm struck that you're shocked that she's powered down on you. Of course it's not the same. For no reason, you bolted on her--there is no way she was going to be like she used to be with you because now she knows what you're capable of--that was a hard open palm slap to her face. You first need to slow down and figure out what/who you want. If getting emotionally close to someone you want to get close to causes you to turn tail and run, then emotionally, you aren't ready to be in a relationship and you need to work out whatever it was that made you run away. No woman is going to appreciate this treatment. What exactly was it that made you run in the first place? Have you mastered your impulses yet? That issue isn't gone just because you've had a change of mind. That issue won't be gone until you resolve it and pull it out by the roots.
Author jjb117 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Posted October 9, 2019 ThatÂ’s good. YouÂ’ve the right feelings and mindset. Are you ready for what that entails? It may entail you giving and putting much, much more into the relationship for many months and being good and happy with that. All to make amends and prove your regret is not just words but youÂ’ve learned and are taking actions to be better. The real action being good with giving more than your getting without expectation. You are not repairing a broken plate but making a new one to replace the one you broke better than the first. I definitely want to put in the work to make it work. But it just seems like my behavior has been fickle. I left a really good thing in the beginning for no good reason. Then just two days ago I guess we both decide to let it go, but it was me who initiated the conversation in the first place because it felt like hell within the last month. It felt like I was exclusive to someone who didn't want to talk to me. So I did all I could with giving her space initially (respecting her wishes to take it slow), but to her it seemed like I was being distant and cold. Then I changed my approach to being more active in wanting to talk and connect, but was shot down most of the time. I knew she was holding back, but I also knew it was my fault. Like this whole thing is my fault! But I think once she saw how sincere I was, especially when I legitimately apologized for doing what I did, I could tell she opened up more. Hence why the conversation ended on such a good note. I guess the only thing stopping me is whether or not she can forgive me? If she thinks she can, and can open up her heart eventually, then i'll fight the tide. Any simmer of hope would be more than enough. I just WISHED I had asked her that. It's been on my mind all day. I just don't know how I would do it.
Author jjb117 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Posted October 9, 2019 I think this kind of thing is pretty typical among early-20s people. My first love and I broke up and got back together many times over the course of about 5 years in our early 20s. Though it didn't last, we learned a lot in the process and enjoyed the time we spent together. Man, 20's love is just something else
Gaeta Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 I left a really good thing in the beginning for no good reason. Why do you keep on saying you ended a good thing without reasons?? You DID have reasons! You have a whole thread talking about why you left the relationship. 1
Author jjb117 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Posted October 9, 2019 Okk, I did a bit of digging and found what I needed. You dated this girl for 5-6 weeks and suddenly you find yourself meeting her friends and parents and talking expectations and future together...you got scared and bailed. I don't blame you, 99% of men would have bailed as well. There is a reason why you panicked, it was too much too fast. It's scary and unhealthy. This woman wants to move too fast, she's all about the end results (marriage & babies) than she is after getting to know you. Dating is a slow journey, you have to take your time and not jump over steps. This lasted only 5-6 weeks, you've lost nothing. Going back would mean more pressure on you. When she starts applying all that pressure again what will you do? fight off the desire to run away? Live in a state of suffocation? . You're right. I guess i'm getting caught up in the potential. Even though that part only lasted 5-6 weeks, the whole "relationship" so to say has been around 3.5 months at this point. So now I'm more comfortable with that kind of stuff. It's just...i'm kicking myself for doing what I did. My issue wasn't how I felt but how I dealt with it. Instead of talking about it like an adult, I bolted. Instead of trying to make it work, I left. And I left through text. How cowardly. God, I still don't understand the rationale.
Gaeta Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 Don't be so hard on yourself, you're just starting in life and this is a learning period. What did she want that you felt so pressured? . 1
Author jjb117 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Posted October 9, 2019 Don't be so hard on yourself, you're just starting in life and this is a learning period. What did she want that you felt so pressured? . It boils down to this really - I guess I have such a hard time really taking that next step with someone. Like I'm not closed off at all. I'm an open book, and I'm very trusting. I don't have walls, and I try not to let those in the past affect who I'm interested in the future. But what I do know for certain is that it takes time for me to take that next step in 1. Wanting to be in a relationship with someone and 2. loving someone. Just knowing my past. I waited till I was 20 to lose my virginity until I felt I could do it with the right person (while knowing I had opportunities beforehand). That in my last relationship, it took 3 months to be exclusive with one another and 6 months to even utter the words "I love you." Because to me, when I make the decision to be with someone, that I want to be there for someone, and especially if I love someone, it really holds its value. Because it is unconditional love. And I'm in it for the long haul. I guess i'm more or so dating with a purpose at this point in my life. With that being said, having already met her friends and family, and having already had sex, having already spoken about some deep insecurities between both of us, insecurities crept in by saying "Do you really want to be with this person? If you're unsure, just leave for her sake." But after all this time I know what the answer is now...I do want to be with her. I'm just afraid it may be too late.
Maddie82 Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 I'm thinking about it. I don't want to hurt her anyone, honestly. I feel like i'm doing more harm than good. But she deserves so much happiness, love, loyalty, assurance, and I KNOW I can be that for her. I want to be. She has love for you but she doesn't have trust for you. It won't work because you hurt her too many times.
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