BF texting coworker out of hours? she is ranting late at nigh out of work hours?

[lollipopbeth]

We have been together 3 years.

He has had the job for a year. (slight background)

 

So, last night when he came from work to see me I noticed he was stressed, I asked if he was okay, he said yes and so we left it.

 

Few minutes later I noticed this coworker popped up on his phone (he is her manager). He went to the toilet for 15 minutes with his phone. I left it and never said anything, after all I don't own him.

 

Later that night we went out with my family and I drove. Soon as we left the event (couldn't have your phone out) he was straight back on his phone and again I did notice it was her, she had sent him the longest text message I had ever seen.

 

(I asked there and then "Oh its *her* again, are you okay?"

His reply "Focus on your driving rather than trying to kill us"

because I took a wrong turn.)

 

I will hold my hands up I did go quite quiet it was a 20 minute drive and the whole drive he was replying to her. He never spoke once to my family sat in the car. It took 20 minutes to reply this was at 9PM.

 

We got back and he called me "psycho". I said why?

He said oh you don't like it do you, another female. I said no I was worried because you was stressed, obviously distracted and to spend all night texting at any opportunity when they have been together at work all day and work 5 days a week together.

We see each other 3/4 times a week (weekend and 1/2 nights in the week)

 

-------------------------------------------

 

In the past we had a do with this woman because she had a boob job and was messaging him about it and being flirty. and my bf reg checked up to see if she was okay. I got upset, because she began texting at weekends about her boob job. He lessened the texting and everything was fine for 6 months.

 

At my graduation, she half ruined sending him loads of texts because she fell out with him that day as he told her to do something different to how she usually does. and he was stressed my whole graduation meal.

 

---------------------------------

 

Back to last night...

 

The messages last night. he eventually just showed me and talked about it all when it calmed down. It was her ranting and saying she isn't happy with the way he is doing things.

 

 

Now, I want to add I DO not think my bf is 'sexting' or being flirty or cheating. I just don't get why he has to give her so much attention after work up till 10pm at night sometimes, because she isn't happy. he went in early today to sort things out and talk to her.

 

I don't want to control my bf. but I just feel like she is a third person in this relationship and if he fully cared he wouldn't be spending so much texting her, or going to the toilet. or putting up with this behaviour. he is her boss, so in my opinion she needs to drop it.

 

would this bother anyone else? I don't even think he should of gave her his number or she should be messaging so late at night? even if it is non flirty. and to call me psycho?

[ExpatInItaly]

Given the history of inappropriate texts between them?

 

Yes, this would bother me a lot. I’m sorry OP, but I don’t think these two are just coworkers.

[lollipopbeth]

It was more inappropriate on her behalf. he showed me all the messages and last night too. he said that's just the way she is very open.

 

last night it was a fall out because he told her basically she was doing her job wrong and things had to be changed.

 

For me, its how much she messages and any excuse she is there.. pestering or complaining or trying to be flirty. for me, it is upsetting bc clearly my bf is not bothered otherwise he would tell her to stop.

[Maddie82]

Don't make excuses for him. He's clearly enjoying the exchanges. If he didn't and felt uncomfortable in any way then he would have shut it down a long time ago. This is not your average co-worker conversations, this a full on emotional affair.

[lollipopbeth]

Don't make excuses for him. He's clearly enjoying the exchanges. If he didn't and felt uncomfortable in any way then he would have shut it down a long time ago. This is not your average co-worker conversations, this a full on emotional affair.

 

I understand. even if it is her arguing and saying she isn't happy with things is that still an emotional affair if she is clashing? I will admit, it was more flirty on her behalf back in march. but if he is clashing surely it isn't emotional affair? but rather a clash between workers, that's how I am seeing it? Or is it bad intentions with her?

[Maddie82]

I understand. even if it is her arguing and saying she isn't happy with things is that still an emotional affair if she is clashing? I will admit, it was more flirty on her behalf back in march. but if he is clashing surely it isn't emotional affair? but rather a clash between workers, that's how I am seeing it? Or is it bad intentions with her?

 

Well it's blindingly obvious she has her sights on him. It's still highly inappropriate whatever it is that is going on. But it's definitely not normal and i personally wouldn't stand for it, especially if he is being an ass and over defensive to you when you simply ask if he's OK.

[schlumpy]

There is something going on here. You can try and look around it if you want. It will eventually come center.

 

Get your radar up and running. Are there phone calls also? Check the phone bill for her phone number.

[lurker74]

I'm sure what I am about to write will be unpopular, but I think what he's doing is semi-reasonable. The reason I say that is he clearly isn't hiding it - there's not much of the secret stuff going on that would imply that it is inappropriate on his part (other than the bathroom but he might have just been trying to get it taken care of). If the co-worker were a male, I don't think there'd be angst.

 

That's not to say it's all wonderful. The boob job stuff is bad but her curtailed it. Honestly, as long as he's open about it, I would probably leave it alone.

[Gaeta]

Does she know your bf is in a relationship? Have you met her in person?

[kendahke]

Are you sure you aren't the side chick? His responses to you are quite over the top and he makes it sound like you're a bother to him.

[Versacehottie]

Don't make excuses for him. He's clearly enjoying the exchanges. If he didn't and felt uncomfortable in any way then he would have shut it down a long time ago. This is not your average co-worker conversations, this a full on emotional affair.

 

I agree fully. It is crossing a big line and not normal. I don't like a lot of the things my supervisors do but wouldn't be telling them off about it or ranting about them like we were equals, during off time on top of it. This is very suspicious. I would break up with him for lack of respect for your relationship. I don't think you need to wait for proof--the lack of respect alone would be a deal breaker. She has also already flirted with him via text about the boob job, in a way a person only does that when they know it will be welcomed and they are not totally out of the blue (well sane people). If she is crazy and out of line, he would have figure a way to cut her off, especially if it is affecting his relationship with you. He's not because he's the other half of this problem. Goodluck

[Rockdad]

I read through this twice. I agree with Lurker thus far. BTW when you are in management putting out staff/employee fires after hours is not a rare thing by any means in a lot of business's. More so when it's a smaller office or business when things get to be more personal than a large corp gig. Usually it is the high maintenance employees when it's the same ones over and over.

 

 

 

There are some very insightful people in this forum who are incredibly helpful. I also see often and to quickly imo here these type responses. It's an affair of some sort, he is cheating, he was rude, he was insensitive get out now or divorce him. Sometimes that is good advice but pretty early in this case with the limited information, background and further OP response thus far to pull the leave him card.

[Versacehottie]

There are some very insightful people in this forum who are incredibly helpful. I also see often and to quickly imo here these type responses. It's an affair of some sort, he is cheating, he was rude, he was insensitive get out now or divorce him. Sometimes that is good advice but pretty early in this case with the limited information, background and further OP response thus far to pull the leave him card.

 

I typically totally agree with the bolded. A lot of times people are too quick to say leave him at first sign of not treating the woman like some sort of princess or of any small misunderstanding etc. I think though this has been going on long enough that it seems like a pattern of disrespect by OP's boyfriend. He seems like he is placing the flirtatious employee above his girlfriend and is doing nothing to assure her, in fact he is digging his heels in. OP didn't sound particularly jealous person but there are real concerns that most people have/should have. Going into the bathroom to essentially keep texting is classic cheating behavior IMO.

 

I don't say leave him because an affair is happening that's why IMO she doesn't need to wait around for proof. I say leave him because his treatment of her and her feelings is extremely poor. I can get with one serious conversation to make it crystal clear. I think sometimes a guy can be turned off by what they perceive as jealous behavior in their partner as well and it seems like he is certainly doing nothing to calm her down. IMO, she is not acting that crazy in light of what is going on. I feel like his behavior with how he is handling her reactions is a sign that this relationship is already breaking down. I wish I could say differently because I usually am one of the ones that is not quick to jump to "leave him" and "he is cheating". IMO, it doesn't really matter if he is cheating for real or not, he is treating her as if her feelings don't matter and that is a bad indicator of how the future will play out. I do think he is probably having an emotional thing or even physically cheating but don't have an exact crystal ball on that. I think girls that ignore their gut on this and let doormat behavior creep in are already dealing with a lost cause. Sorry, OP. And good luck

[d0nnivain]

I'm a big believer that you pay attention to the real live person in front of you, not your phone.

 

If your BF was texting his boss about a work thing, OK fine. I'll tell you to power down. If they were simply socializing, he should not have said anything more to her other then, "talk tomorrow at work, out with lollipopbeth"

 

As his manager I find it disgraceful that she was discussing her boob job with a subordinate. I would definitely have some trust issues about her.

 

Your BF's comment that you are "psycho" & him trying to rub your nose in the fact that he was talking to another woman are problematic.

 

From what you posted I don't see him giving you a lot of respect or common courtesy.

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds very suspicious.

 

A mature guy with a normal working relationship with her would have texted, "We'll talk about this tomorrow at work," and that would be it.

[Rockdad]

d0nnivain he is her manager. Yes of course it goes without question the boob job discussion out of bounds.

[ExpatInItaly]

It was more inappropriate on her behalf. he showed me all the messages and last night too. he said that's just the way she is very open.

 

Yes, and so is he.

 

He didn't put appropriate boundaries in place, neither as your boyfriend nor as her manager. She wouldn't be able to be so "open" if he weren't playing right along with her.

 

This is why I don't believe this is your average employee-manager interaction. She obviously likes him, but I am not convinced that the attraction is totally one-sided.

[Highndry]

No woman talks about her boob job with a guy unless she really wants him to see and touch her boob job - and more. Their whole relationship is highly inappropriate, and his "psycho" comment was way out of line. I've never said such a thing to a woman in my life.

[MsJayne]

He's taking frequent texts from a co-worker out of hours? What is he, the president of the US? No one's that indispensable and important that they need to do this. As for him giving moral support through her boob job - oh puh-lease! Then there's the 'psycho' comment...don't even start me on that one. Sorry, but he needs to grow up, and she needs to be told in no uncertain terms to stop the inappropriate behaviour, and he's the one who needs to tell her. If your relationship's serious then he needs to wake up to himself and figure out what loyalty is and where his lies, and if it's not too serious I'd be cooling right off it. You're right about not owning him, and that means you can throw him our of your life at any time.

[smackie9]

It's not the so much the fact she's a big boobed bimbo, but how inappropriate all this texting after hours is. There has to be boundaries set, especially when it's affecting YOUR time with him. Point out he's not on the clock, and there is no requirement for him to keep tabs on employees after hours. That being said he needs to shut that phone off, block her or tell her/other staff members there is no communication after hours unless they are calling in sick. This has to stop. You may not own him, but what he is doing is not life or death, and totally not necessary to his job. But what it is doing is making him behave in a way that is anti-social, disrespectful and frickin rude. Girl, you need to put your foot down!!

[elaine567]

This is all highly suspicious...

Why is he putting up with this from a subordinate?

Why is he so touchy about it?

I guess she is more than "just another worker".

An ex or a current "gf" may show this level of over familiarity to her boss...

[Malin889]

This woman sounds awful. And he shouldn’t be rude to you when you question what he’s doing, it’s as if he’s taking her side when he tells you to pay attention to the road and you being upset because it’s another female. Ugh. First off she should not be discussing anything like what she was discussing with him at all, whether it’s on the clock or off. Second, he, who is your boyfriend, should be taking your side and drawing boundaries here with her. Jeez. Third he should tell HR what she is saying to him.

[kendahke]

If OP comes back to her thread:

 

How does he act with other employees? Does he take their phone calls and texts after hours? Does he have inappropriate conversations with others, too? Does he get nasty with you when you ask after them?

[findingnemo]

It is inappropriate.

 

Not to say that they are having an affair. They are not. The messages would have made it clear if they were. She probably wants to have one or to have an advantage over her boss.

 

Would I be angry? Hell yeah. Especially when he reacts so defensively. Angry with him.

 

I suppose you are looking for a solution, right? Not just a justification for being angry. You are justified.

 

To put a stop to it, he has to be the one to change. He has no boundaries. Tell him that as her boss, he is opening himself up to a sexual harassment lawsuit should they have a final and definitive disagreement. She could use all those "after hours" text messages to prove that they communicated a lot, that she was listening to his criticism and taking it to heart should he fire her. The boob job messages would be his undoing. He needs to distance himself immediately because she is acting strange. Her behaviour is a red flag for bunny boilers. Just my opinion.

[lana-banana]

This guy is bad news. The only thing worse than his complete lack of boundaries is the name-calling, which should be an automatic dealbreaker. Anyone who will speak to you that way has zero respect for you. I don't know whether he's actually having an affair or just getting his ego stroked here, but his wild overreactions suggest he knows he's doing something wrong. Has he apologized for the name-calling?