lokis199 Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 I (24m) have been seeing someone (24f) for around 6 months now. Within this 6 months we've been going on steady dates and seeing each other at least once a week. I made my intentions clear from the start that i would like us to eventually be boyfriend and girlfriend but shes having a hard time understanding why we need to put labels on things if we're already mutually exclusive. I don't know why but this makes me feel kinda awful and i don't know how to go about it. I obviously like this girl and we both agree that we're great for each other but the worst thing i think i could do in this situation is say we're either officially bf/gf or i'm ending whatever we are now, but that's how i feel. My question is what are some steps i can take to talk to her and maybe somehow meet in the middle with all this so we both feel comfortable? Thanks in advance for the advice!
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 6 months dating and still only 1 date a week is very indicative she doesn't want a relationship or a boyfriend, she wants a steady fwb. Second reason she doesn't want a title is because she wants to remain single and use the title single to appear available to other men. If you wish for more commitment this is not the girl that will give it to you. 2
Author lokis199 Posted October 8, 2019 Author Posted October 8, 2019 I get where you're coming from but it just doesnt make any sense, shes 100% not seeing anyone else. Shes made it clear shes only interested in me.
scooby-philly Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 6 months dating and still only 1 date a week is very indicative she doesn't want a relationship or a boyfriend, she wants a steady fwb. Second reason she doesn't want a title is because she wants to remain single and use the title single to appear available to other men. If you wish for more commitment this is not the girl that will give it to you. People do not hem and haw if they're interested. Whatever her reason she doesn't want it and you do. Either accept it for what it is or if you desire more you need to move on.
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 I get where you're coming from but it just doesnt make any sense, shes 100% not seeing anyone else. Shes made it clear shes only interested in me. There are 2 things in life: 1. People's words 2. People's actions Why are you only seeing each other once a week after 6 months?
Author lokis199 Posted October 8, 2019 Author Posted October 8, 2019 We see each other at least once a week usually from friday-sunday... Its all our busy lifestyles can take at this point in our relationship. Both of us seem to focus on our careers from monday-thursday. I dont think im looking for doom and gloom answers like "shes not into you" cause i know that's just not the case. Trying to figure out what i can do next to either smoothly drop what we're doing or progress in our relationship.
lurker74 Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 I agree with Gaeta. She is emotionally monkey-branching you. She wants the security of you around but she doesn't want to commit too much, so she keeps it at a distance. That doesn't necessarily make her bad...she may be doing it so that she doesn't hurt you by making you believe that it is more. But you do, so it's not working. If she really wanted to be your girlfriend with future prospects for more, she'd not have any problem with being called that. But since some part of her feels like it's temporary, she puts the stops on it. 1
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 (edited) We see each other at least once a week usually from friday-sunday... Ok that's different than 1 date a week. Question: Have you met each other's friends and family? . Edited October 8, 2019 by Gaeta 1
Redhead14 Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 (edited) You need to have a conversation about what each of your dating goals are. Is she dating to find/have a long-term committed relationship? Is that your dating goal? If you two aren't on the same page in terms of overall goals, it's not going to work. She might very well be "into you" alot, that doesn't mean she wants an actual boyfriend. She may be happy with casual, but exclusive -- meaning not sleeping with a bunch of people. If she is at least looking for someone to have a deeper, more committed relationship with for herself but isn't quite sure it will be with you yet, then you need to decide for yourself if you want to see if things progress more or not. Frankly, if she's is looking for a more committed relationship and has been dating you for 6 months already, I'd say she's just happy with status quo with you and isn't going to call you her boyfriend. To me she's doing what guys usually do -- skirt the issue -- "let's not put a label on it". Translated: "I'm happy with the way things are, regular sex and little companionship until the right one comes along". Edited October 8, 2019 by Redhead14 1
scooby-philly Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 We see each other at least once a week usually from friday-sunday... Its all our busy lifestyles can take at this point in our relationship. Both of us seem to focus on our careers from monday-thursday. I dont think im looking for doom and gloom answers like "shes not into you" cause i know that's just not the case. Trying to figure out what i can do next to either smoothly drop what we're doing or progress in our relationship. There is no magic bullet. You cannot force someone to feel a certain way or behave a certain way. If you want a "relationship" and she does not then it's on you to either maintain the status quo or move on. And if you're truly honest with yourself and you want a relationship and she does not, you're not serving your own mental or emotional health by staying around. And if you do "force the issue" and she accepts or you guys cool off and she comes around to in a month or less I would still be wary. She may hate the thought of losing you and acquiesce at some point to your demand even if she doesn't want the label/title right now and she'll end up leaving or feeling bad because she went against her own wishes. Everyone deserves someone who's into them as much as they are into you and at 6 months it's time to make a decision as to what you are and where you are going, even if it's just the next 6,12, or 18 months. If you're not happy own it and either she accepts it or you both move on on your separate ways. And note - there could be some real deep issues preventing her from want the "title" - and while it's okay to help her uncover those and provide support, it's also not your duty - especially at 6 months, and especially at the stage where she doesn't want a "boyfriend" so there's no need to do it from a commitment standpoint.
Author lokis199 Posted October 8, 2019 Author Posted October 8, 2019 Ok that's different than 1 date a week. Question: Have you met each other's friends and family? . Ya we hangout with the same group of friends and we've met each others families.
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 So you just met the family once or she invites you to family dinners and b'days etc? How she introduces you?
smackie9 Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 After 6 months and still no committed relationship? This is just casual dating. She's keeping her options open....now that doesn't mean she's seeing other people, she's just waiting for someone else better to come along. You are one step away from the friends zone. 2
clia Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 At six months, she doesn't want the label for one of two reasons: (1) she has commitment problems (as in, can't commit); or (2) she simply does not want to commit to you because she is unsure about you and wants to be open in case someone better comes along. Neither of these are good for you. At six months, you deserve to be with someone who wants to be your girlfriend. You are not being unreasonable to want a label at this point. Ask her to explain to you why she does not want to put a label on it. (If she flips it on you, as in "why does it matter if we are exclusive," then you flip it right back on her, "yeah, why does it matter to you.") Ask her when she anticipates getting to that point if she continues to refuse. If she can't articulate a reason why she won't do it or a timeline on it, you should be concerned and should seriously consider moving on. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 You can't get her to change, and you don't want to have that power anyway. You want to be with someone who WANTS--passionately, overwhelming wants-- to be with us. So you can change her mind. A few possibilities, some of which you may not like. She's a real freespirit who doesn't like conventions about dating and relationships. That's not great because if you are not equally the freespirit, you will be more into the relationship than she is. (Some freespirits will come clean and say eventually they want an open relationship.) The other possibility is that something about you doesn't sit well with her. She may have a hard time identifying what this is--and even if she knows that it is--she may not want to "hurt" you by telling you what bothers her. And frankly, it could be that she's just not that attracted to you. You say this is impossible. But this happens all the time. She may admire you, like you, love you, think you are wonderful, may find you physically appealing ... and still not feel that extra little spark that really ignites a romance. If you aren't getting what you want from the relationship, it's best to step back. 4
scooby-philly Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 You can't get her to change, and you don't want to have that power anyway. You want to be with someone who WANTS--passionately, overwhelming wants-- to be with us. So you can change her mind. A few possibilities, some of which you may not like. She's a real freespirit who doesn't like conventions about dating and relationships. That's not great because if you are not equally the freespirit, you will be more into the relationship than she is. (Some freespirits will come clean and say eventually they want an open relationship.) The other possibility is that something about you doesn't sit well with her. She may have a hard time identifying what this is--and even if she knows that it is--she may not want to "hurt" you by telling you what bothers her. And frankly, it could be that she's just not that attracted to you. You say this is impossible. But this happens all the time. She may admire you, like you, love you, think you are wonderful, may find you physically appealing ... and still not feel that extra little spark that really ignites a romance. If you aren't getting what you want from the relationship, it's best to step back. OP, Love isn't just a feeling - it's an agreement by both parties to work on the relationship - otherwise those feelings may fade or change over time. For younger/inexperienced folks that's what they don't understand - even if they have great models growing up and aren't that emotionally damaged by 24. You need to make things better for yourself and your happiness and it sounds like you don't want to accept what people are saying here - she may not be seeing anyone else now and you may be "exclusive" - but you want and deserve the title and she doesn't want to commit to it. I was with someone fantastic for close to two years recently. She was the kindest, affectionate, caring person I've dated. I could be my complete self with her and always felt supported and I loved and supported her fully. But there was a large age gap between us and 7 weeks ago she decided to end things (albeit painfully and not in person in a mature way). Despite the pain and sheer heartbreak I've experienced these past weeks, at times I've started to learn and grow and understand that she wanted out in June and she tried to do it in person and my reaction probably broke her heart so she tried faking it for two months. Now, I'm not excusing her behavior at faking it and not talking with me seriously either during those two ensuing months or when she finally had the courage to draw the line. And I wish we could have stayed friends (and maybe we will reconnect as friends in a few months) but the bottom line is I respect her wishes and recognize that I can't beg or force her to want to be with me, I can't force or beg her to realize that I can help grow and that I'm the one in terms of qualities she wants in a man forever and I can't and won't beg her to change her viewpoint on certain things because at the end of the day, while I'm not perfect, I am loving, kind, affectionate, caring, supportive, and hard working and I deserve someone who wants to be with me everyday and is excited to see me as I am them. If you love yourself you need to give yourself permission to receive more than what you think you deserve.
preraph Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 A lot of women have some guy they have always been crushing on and would drop you like a hot potato for if anything ever came about with them (which is unlikely or it already would have -- I mean, unless the guy is married or something). For whatever reason, she wants to keep her options open. She is not convinced you are "the one" and isn't ready to start any kind of real commitment. She very well may not be seeing anyone now but could have her eye on someone, or she could like you but know that you are not who she will stay with longterm and not want to go down that road.
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