d0nnivain Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 No, I have not spoken to him yet. My plan is to have a phone call with him tonight so it would be a good opportunity to address some of these concerns. Is there any way you can have this discussion in person rather then on the phone? It's become so "big" in your eyes I fear that you might not believe whatever he says once the mystery is revealed. You may need the non-verbal cues to reassure yourself. 1
SumGuy Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 (edited) Not a waste, think your just sussing it out and makes sense you are a bit afraid to ask when you mentioned your past relationships where you were second or cheated on. Also you just started this thread yesterday. Good luck on your call. Edited October 9, 2019 by SumGuy 1
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Posted October 9, 2019 Is there any way you can have this discussion in person rather then on the phone? It's become so "big" in your eyes I fear that you might not believe whatever he says once the mystery is revealed. You may need the non-verbal cues to reassure yourself. Well, yes and no. Between his family visiting and my schedule and his schedule...it would probably be 2 or 3 weeks before I could see him in person. So, if I wait till I see him, it could burst in the meantime. Perhaps I could talk him into some Facetime before then. But, I'm honestly at the point I just want to know. As far as believing him or not believing him, I am hoping that I will be able to tell by his voice. Not that it guarantees anything. Some people are good at lying. I figure he'll either be convincing and I will be comforted. Or, he won't be, and well, I'll be no worse off than I am right now, still wondering and questioning. Not a waste, think your just sussing it out and makes sense you are a bit afraid to ask when you mentioned your past relationships where you were second or cheated on. Also you just started this thread yesterday. Good luck on your call. Thank you for your well wishes. To add to the fear of asking is...I don't want to ruin anything and come across as insecure or controlling or nosy or anything bad. I hope to be able to do my best to come across loose and light and no pressure.
d0nnivain Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 It really probably is something totally innocuous but the mystery has made it so "big" in your eyes. Keep a tight reign on yourself in the conversation but I'm sure it will be fine.
Gaeta Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 I think you are going to shoot yourself in the foot with this. You are not exclusive, you have no justification to ask him what he does with his Fridays. You will come across as someone full of distrust and controlling. Let it go. You really think he will tell you if he sees someone else on Fridays? Of course he won't and anything else he could answer...AA meetings, D&D nights, or knitting night...None of this you need to know at this point in the relationship. . 3
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Posted October 9, 2019 I think you are going to shoot yourself in the foot with this. You are not exclusive, you have no justification to ask him what he does with his Fridays. You will come across as someone full of distrust and controlling. Let it go. You really think he will tell you if he sees someone else on Fridays? Of course he won't and anything else he could answer...AA meetings, D&D nights, or knitting night...None of this you need to know at this point in the relationship. . Oh dang. That actually makes a lot of sense. Man, I am re-thinking everything now. You are so right about everything. At the same time, if I continue to date him, and I never find out what Friday is, I could be setting myself up for failure long term. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 At some point you will learn what Friday is. Eventually it will come out in conversation. 1
Gaeta Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 TheBlingRing: The key word is *at this time*. If your relationship continues then exclusivity should be established soon, right? Then it looks more legitimate to ask what he has on Fridays. I know you're curious and we all are but 'curiosity killed the cat' as you say in English. Be careful to have GF's demands when you're not yet the GF. 1
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Posted October 9, 2019 Okay well I have ultimately decided not to bring it up this evening...unless he says something that would lead into it, I am going to leave it alone. However, I do want to add one thing. He just told me to let him know when I was ready for a call, and he said "I'll be at the house all evening." The phrase seems odd to me. Why not say "I'll be at home"? "At the house" sounds like something that someone who has multiple residences would say. Or that someone who is living with a gf/bf says when they go home to sleep for a few days. "I'll be at the house this weekend" for example. I know I am overthinking....but does anyone think that, based on that phrasing, I should be more inquisitive after all?
Veronica73 Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 I disagree with Gaeta. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask why Fridays are out of the picture, even though you’re not exclusive. I mean, don’t get emotional or possessive about it....but if you’re sleeping with him.... It seems like a reasonable question to me. If he doesn’t want to answer it, he doesn’t have to. 1
Veronica73 Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 And obviously you are going to sit here and stew about it. 1
Gaeta Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 he said "I'll be at the house all evening." The phrase seems odd to me. Why not say "I'll be at home"? "At the house" sounds like something that someone who has multiple residences would say. ....omg, you're really stretching it. Have you always been this overly analytic in your relationships? It's like you are restlessy searching for something negative! Again, explain to us why you don't want to address exclusivity with him?
preraph Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 You are in the process of creating what you fear most. For God's sake, he said you could contact him if you wanted and let you know he'd be home. There is NOTHING suspicious about that. You have irrational fears.
Gretchen12 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 I do think "at the house" sounds unusual. But unusual happens a lot, like little random things. I'd notice but I wouldn't remember it. As for asking about Fridays. How are you even gonna phrase your question? If you decide to ask, I suggest you focus on one particular Friday. What might freak him out is if you went ahead and assumed something happens every Friday.
Cersei Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 I know here a lot of guys join their buddies every Fri for wings and beer at a strip club after a long week. It could be that. Here a lot of people go to Fri. night mass at the Catholic church. It could be that. There is no way to know because there are so many possibilities. It could be anything really. If I were you and needed to know, on Saturday I would tell him about what I did Fri. Night. Ex. "I went for a walk, had a hot bath, and read my book. What about you? What did you do yesterday?" 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 "At the house," is a common term I've heard often. Mostly spoken by men. Some say, "At the house," as opposed to "At the office," or "At the hospital." IOW, their place of work. I asked a question earlier but you haven't addressed it. It was, "Is he a person of integrity? Someone whose values you respect?"
salparadise Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 This is curious. You'd think he'd drop a clue as to what he does on Friday. If I were you I'd ask... without being too nosy or demanding. It's a white elephant already and both of you realize it. When the mood and context are right just say, so what is this mysterious rendezvous that makes you unavailable every Friday night; if you're making a drop or meeting your handler, you really should be less predictable. Grin and wait for the answer. My guess is it's no big deal. If it were a big deal he would avoid even using the word Friday, and there'd be a different excuse every week. But it is important enough that he blocks that time out, so who knows. 1
princessaurora Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 You could find an activity on a Friday in the near future (concert, play, sports event etc) that you'd like to attend with him and say something like " So are you busy every Friday because I really want to go to ****** and was hoping you'd join me" or something like that. That way you might get him to open up without looking like you're prying.
clia Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Okay well I have ultimately decided not to bring it up this evening...unless he says something that would lead into it, I am going to leave it alone. However, I do want to add one thing. He just told me to let him know when I was ready for a call, and he said "I'll be at the house all evening." The phrase seems odd to me. Why not say "I'll be at home"? "At the house" sounds like something that someone who has multiple residences would say. Or that someone who is living with a gf/bf says when they go home to sleep for a few days. "I'll be at the house this weekend" for example. I know I am overthinking....but does anyone think that, based on that phrasing, I should be more inquisitive after all? You are way overthinking this. I hear people use that expression all the time. I think you are way overthinking all of it, actually. This isn't that difficult. Ask him to do something on a Friday and if he says he can't, ask him what he has going on. Or the next time you see him on a Saturday ask him what he did last night. These are normal questions to ask a person you are dating.
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted October 10, 2019 Author Posted October 10, 2019 "At the house," is a common term I've heard often. Mostly spoken by men. Some say, "At the house," as opposed to "At the office," or "At the hospital." IOW, their place of work. I asked a question earlier but you haven't addressed it. It was, "Is he a person of integrity? Someone whose values you respect?" Well, here is the thing. Yes to both those questions. But, the caveat is that...how well can you possibly know someone in these early stages, you know? From what I know, I would answer yes. Update: the phone call went well. I didn't bring it up, I decided to let it ride. BUT we did get into an unrelated D&D conversation, and I found it pretty curious and perhaps the answer to my issue. It was a genuine conversation about how D&D works and he just said this as a hypothetical, but he said something to the effect: "One Friday you might start in a dungeon, and then the next Friday..." Anyway, while he did not come right out and say it, I think the fact that he automatically thought that way for his example....I have a feeling that's it. 3
SumGuy Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 ... Thank you for your well wishes. To add to the fear of asking is...I don't want to ruin anything and come across as insecure or controlling or nosy or anything bad. I hope to be able to do my best to come across loose and light and no pressure. First, let me just say what would work for me...when I was 30 say (now that I’m 50 not much phases me and just because a woman acts insecure it doesn’t mean she is not a keeper....we all have our sh*t) Loose and light aren’t bad but curious and nervous is ok too. Explains is always good, I too would be curious if someone I saw was always open then didn’t mention why no Fridays. It also goes a long way to empathize, put yourself in their shoes...and think why you might act the same way. My guess is it really is an oversight (he may have thought he mentioned it) or he fears you may judge him or make it a “you’d rather do that Friday than see me”. He doesn’t want that hassle or to have it taint what you two have. Hence if you can let him know you a good with doing separate things Friday, you telegraph that empathy and remove a bit if the barrier she is going to judge me. Whatever you do, do not doubt his reason or interrogate him. Even if you feel 100% it’s a lie. Why? You’re emotional about this and could be wrong, even if you’re right this call is not the time to get into it. Now if you want to know more, you can say that sounds fun what’s it like and ask about it. If you’d like to tag along, you’d have to read the situation, but keep it light...as in that sounds fun, I’d like to do that with you some day but understand if you want your own thing. Interest without pressure. Curiosity without judgement. If you can do that I think a decent guy will understand and not be put off. It can be tough as you may have yourself in a state where you need validation, don’t seek validation from him in this call. Validation can come from other places and at other times. 1
SumGuy Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 ...It was a genuine conversation about how D&D works and he just said this as a hypothetical, but he said something to the effect: "One Friday you might start in a dungeon, and then the next Friday..." Anyway, while he did not come right out and say it, I think the fact that he automatically thought that way for his example....I have a feeling that's it. First you are over analyzing things, probably because you really like him and have a bit of an anxious attachment style, welcome to the club:) If you haven’t guessed, i am/was (it’s been a while but we had a monthly game for 10 years) a ttrpg (you can google it) player. He is feeling you out about how you see this hobby, 95% certain this is what Friday is about. Your right here he did not say Friday by accident. My own experience is certain women still look askance at this hobby, initially in OLD many women were surprised I had such a geeky side, what wealthy, active in shape, executive, with social skills into D&D and the like! Yah we are everywhere. Now my profile has none of that materialistic stuff, a lot of geeky stuff that is clear to those in the know. You’re right it is hard to really know someone, it takes time patience. That is what he is trying to figure out. Feel he is waiting until you like him for so many other things that when he tells you about Friday D&D you still like him. I will say if it is something you are interested in, finding a girlfriend that likes to join the game with you is like finding a unicorn. Now your what if and attention to detail mind could work well in many a gaming group . 1
salparadise Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 As scarce as quality time is for working people, and as primary as Friday nights are in dating, if I started seeing someone who would never go out on Friday due to an obsession with a computer game I'd have to seriously rethink that equation. I dated someone whose ex-h took the kids every other weekend. She'd make arrangements for Saturdays when the kids were with her, but every other Friday was a no-go. I felt like we were wasting a lot of valuable time... but since she was spending it with the kids I accepted it. D&D just doesn't carry the same weight, not even close. Of course you're weighing it against the alternative right now, and are apparently infatuated, and it's too soon to start making demands... but at some point spending Friday nights alone so he can play computer games is going to wear real thin (and what's so special about Fridays anyway- can't he play the game Sun-Thurs?).
SumGuy Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 The post above shows exactly why he is reluctant First it is not a computer game but a table top game typically involving 4-6 people. You can imagine how hard that is to schedule. The closet analogy I can think of off the top of my head is a poker night or Monday night football But yep just that kind of denigration, assumptions, prejudice and misunderstandings is the kind of stuff he is looking to avoid. 3
clia Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 I wouldn't view it as different than any other hobby he spent doing on a Friday night -- like, for example bowling or playing volleyball in a league, volunteering, playing in a band, attending a lecture series, etc. I don't think it makes any difference that it's a game. It's his hobby. There are six other nights in the week for them to get together, so I don't see it as a big deal if wants to spend Friday playing D&D with his friends. Plus, it gives her the night to go do something with her friends or do what she wants. 3
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