Not being available on Friday...is it a big deal?

[TheBlingRing14]

I recently started seeing someone. We both have jobs and lives, so we don't spend a ton of time together, but we talk regularly and I have no reason to not trust him.

 

We spent the weekend together a couple of a weeks ago and it was nice. We discussed maybe doing a romantic weekend together away. Great, right? Well, he then mentions that perhaps we could do a Saturday-Sunday trip, because it's hard for him to commit to an entire weekend. I was kind of meh about that, but the more I think about it...Saturday-Sunday is almost the whole weekend anyway. It's just Friday he can't do. So, if he can make early Saturday work...why is it that much more of an issue to do Friday evening?

 

I sort of put it in the back of my mind and didn't worry about it too much. The part that bothered me that never went away was...if it was something to not worry about, he would tell me. Like, if he had an extra job or volunteered at a Vet Hospital or was just doing game night with his buddies. I am not saying I deserve to know. He's not required to tell me anything. I am just saying I think in the course of conversation, at some point, I feel like he would have been like, "Yeah Fridays are tough for me, because my best friend and I have season tickets for the symphony" Or whatever.

 

Anyway, it's in the back of my mind, but I've also noticed in the meantime that texting on Fridays seems to usually be short and sweet and he is usually not quite as responsive. So, now things are starting to build in the back of my mind. So, last night we had talked about a date night, and he stated that he was available any day this week, except for Friday.

 

So, now, it's a full blown thing, for me. I am convinced that Fridays are...something...and the fact that he won't tell me what that something is has me pretty worried. That said, if he is dating another girl, I am not sure how missing one Friday every few weeks would be that big of a deal. So, I'm not sure if him dating someone else is the answer either, but it's the only thing that makes sense to me right now.

[PegNosePete]

Wow, you're getting yourself in a right state here OP. He's done absolutely nothing yet you're convinced he's got some deep dark secret life!

 

Maybe he plays D&D with his mates and doesn't think you'd find that kind of thing interesting to talk about?

 

Why not just ask him?

[stillafool]

You just started dating and he's going to spend Saturday and Sunday away with you. Why are you worried about his Friday? Yes he is probably dating others just as he's dating you. People date different people until they decide who they want a relationship with. It sounds like you are getting too serious and possessive too soon.

[PRW]

I don't see in your description that you both have agreed to exclusivity, so technically he has the freedom to see someone on Friday,...and so do you. But spending weekends together is what people who are exclusive would do,...not causal daters. So there is an inconsistency in what you have told (or failed to tell) each other you are really doing -vs- what you are both behaving like together.

 

 

Either ask him why he can't do Friday,...or as an alternative,... bring up the exclusivity conversation and see what he agrees to. It is really your job to bring up the exclusivity question anyway. If he is seeing someone on Friday's then he will resist exclusivity, but if he accepts exclusivity and says nothing about Fridays then there is probably nothing happening on Friday that you need to worry about.

[d0nnivain]

It's the mystery of it that's getting to you. Once you learn the reason it will probably be innocuous.

[lurker74]

I am quite sure that his Friday nights are reserved for summoning arch-demons on behalf of the Dark One in his role in bringing about the end of the world as we know it so now you just have to ask...is that something with which you want to be a part?

[schlumpy]

This is intriguing. What could he be doing that never varies and is only on Friday nights that he doesn't want to share with you.

 

That could be because he feels you wouldn't approve or it might lower his attraction in your eyes.

 

>Competes in local drag competitions?

 

>Enters the weeks receipts for the financial books of a local mobster?

 

>The cult he belongs to has designated Friday night as a holy time.

 

>Visits his cousin who is in prison for pedophilia.

 

Perhaps he is one of those people who do charitable things but do not want credit for it.

 

>Works in soup kitchen?

 

>Visits a sick relative at a senior center?

 

>Meets other people to pick up trash along the river or sea shore?

 

Maybe he needs alone time. Is he an introvert?

 

>Yoga night? Revitalizing by becoming one with the universe?

 

>Movie night. Old movies on TCM.

 

>His night to read a book.

 

>Time to clean the house.

 

 

Plug in whatever you want. Unless you are willing to do a little spy work you will never know unless he tells you or his friends leak. If you do spy, please don't get caught.

[Gaeta]

I don't see in your description that you both have agreed to exclusivity, so technically he has the freedom to see someone on Friday,...and so do you.

 

 

I agree with this. Why are you doing a weekend away with a man you've just started to see recently? That type of outing is for gf/bf. If I were you I'd tell him I've changed my mind about the trip and would like to do it at a later date when you 2 are exclusive.

[smackie9]

Well if he asks you "so what did you do Friday?" you can simply answer "Oh I went out...."

[lavenderandvelvet]

I personally hate doing stuff on Friday. Typically use that day to decompress from the week and catch up on tv or reading.

[TheBlingRing14]

Wow, you're getting yourself in a right state here OP. He's done absolutely nothing yet you're convinced he's got some deep dark secret life!

 

Maybe he plays D&D with his mates and doesn't think you'd find that kind of thing interesting to talk about?

 

Why not just ask him?

 

Maybe. It wouldn't surprise me if that was the case. And no, I probably wouldn't be interested in talking about it. But still, I am not sure why he wouldn't tell me about it, just in passing, if nothing else. Or when we are texting on a Friday, instead of him just dropping the convo, saying "I'm off to hang with my buddies. Talk to you later."

 

As far as asking him. I want to. I just don't know how to ask him in a way that's not clingy, not accusatory, that conveys curiosity but not like I am prying. Does that make sense?

 

You just started dating and he's going to spend Saturday and Sunday away with you. Why are you worried about his Friday? Yes he is probably dating others just as he's dating you. People date different people until they decide who they want a relationship with. It sounds like you are getting too serious and possessive too soon.

 

Yes, you are right. Like I said, he doesn't owe me anything. He doesn't owe me a explanation. And certainly he could be dating others. But, if he has a standing Friday date, every Friday, to the point he can't take the occasional Friday off...to me that indicates a little bit more seriousness than just dating. And, I don't really want to continue to invest time if he is already on the way forward with someone else.

 

 

I don't see in your description that you both have agreed to exclusivity, so technically he has the freedom to see someone on Friday,...and so do you. But spending weekends together is what people who are exclusive would do,...not causal daters. So there is an inconsistency in what you have told (or failed to tell) each other you are really doing -vs- what you are both behaving like together.

 

 

Either ask him why he can't do Friday,...or as an alternative,... bring up the exclusivity conversation and see what he agrees to. It is really your job to bring up the exclusivity question anyway. If he is seeing someone on Friday's then he will resist exclusivity, but if he accepts exclusivity and says nothing about Fridays then there is probably nothing happening on Friday that you need to worry about.

 

I suppose I could. But, I really don't think it's time for the exclusivity talk and I am not sure how I feel about testing him. It could also scare him away, even if he isn't seeing someone else, if he thinks I am ready to get serious.

 

 

 

It's the mystery of it that's getting to you. Once you learn the reason it will probably be innocuous.

 

 

I can only hope.

 

This is intriguing. What could he be doing that never varies and is only on Friday nights that he doesn't want to share with you.

 

That could be because he feels you wouldn't approve or it might lower his attraction in your eyes.

 

>Competes in local drag competitions?

 

>Enters the weeks receipts for the financial books of a local mobster?

 

>The cult he belongs to has designated Friday night as a holy time.

 

>Visits his cousin who is in prison for pedophilia.

 

Perhaps he is one of those people who do charitable things but do not want credit for it.

 

>Works in soup kitchen?

 

>Visits a sick relative at a senior center?

 

>Meets other people to pick up trash along the river or sea shore?

 

Maybe he needs alone time. Is he an introvert?

 

>Yoga night? Revitalizing by becoming one with the universe?

 

>Movie night. Old movies on TCM.

 

>His night to read a book.

 

>Time to clean the house.

 

 

Plug in whatever you want. Unless you are willing to do a little spy work you will never know unless he tells you or his friends leak. If you do spy, please don't get caught.

 

No, I won't spy. I will have to figure it out another way, but yeah...it could be really anything. Maybe not the cult one.

Edited October 8, 2019 by TheBlingRing14

[Gaeta]

Get away weekends are expensive. Leaving on Friday would mean another night in a hotel and meals. Maybe he just doesn't want to spend that much.

[FMW]

No, technically he doesn't owe you anything. But if you're planning "romantic weekends" away together then you should be comfortable straight up asking him.

 

Maybe the weekend away should be put off until you get to know each other a little better. I assume going away means you'll have sex (if you aren't already) and I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask for a little more transparency if you are going to be intimate.

[kendahke]

So, last night we had talked about a date night, and he stated that he was available any day this week, except for Friday.

 

So, now, it's a full blown thing, for me. I am convinced that Fridays are...something...and the fact that he won't tell me what that something is has me pretty worried.

 

I've read absolutely nowhere in your post where you say "I asked him point blank why Fridays are a problem". You have assumed everything and you reached for the worst first for no good reason. If you have issues from past relationships fueling this level of distrust this early in an involvement, then you're not emotionally ready to be in a new relationship. You have too much baggage that needs sorting.

 

and so what if Fridays are something? He's not your boyfriend, you're not exclusive--he's just a guy you've been talking to that you don't spend a ton of time with.

 

Get a grip on your overactive imagination before it ruins another relationship.

Edited October 8, 2019 by kendahke

[Ruby Slippers]

Personally, I wouldn't do weekend trips or even have sex with a guy who wasn't more transparent about how he spends his time. In my experience, a man who's serious about a future with you will make all this abundantly clear.

[Flame Aura]

I honestly cannot believe what I am reading here.

 

When he says he can do any day apart from Friday... your response... "Oh right what you getting up to on Friday?"

 

Is it really that hard?

[TheBlingRing14]

Get away weekends are expensive. Leaving on Friday would mean another night in a hotel and meals. Maybe he just doesn't want to spend that much.

 

Yes, that was one of my initial thoughts in the beginning when he said he found it hard to commit to a full weekend. Like I said I put it in the back of my mind, and the expense of it was one of the possibilities I attributed it to.

 

 

I've read absolutely nowhere in your post where you say "I asked him point blank why Fridays are a problem". You have assumed everything and you reached for the worst first for no good reason. If you have issues from past relationships fueling this level of distrust this early in an involvement, then you're not emotionally ready to be in a new relationship. You have too much baggage that needs sorting.

 

and so what if Fridays are something? He's not your boyfriend, you're not exclusive--he's just a guy you've been talking to that you don't spend a ton of time with.

 

Get a grip on your overactive imagination before it ruins another relationship.

 

 

No, I didn't ask him point blank why Fridays are a problem, because, as you point out, we are not exclusive, and I didn't really think it was my place.

 

Also, up until yesterday, it was just a sneaking suspicion. And I didn't want to make a deal over a sneaking suspicion.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Maybe... But still, I am not sure why he wouldn't tell me about it, just in passing, if nothing else."

 

To me from what you've written the reason he hasn't told you so far is because he's not ready to open up his life to that extent to you. I don't believe it necessarily means he's dating others, though it could be.

 

As far as asking him. I want to. I just don't know how to ask him in a way that's not clingy, not accusatory, that conveys curiosity but not like I am prying. Does that make sense?

 

Yes it makes sense. You're feeling as if it would come off as clingy and possibly prying to ask him. I'd say to go with your gut. IOW it probably would come off as clingy and prying if that's what you're feeling.

 

Yes, you are right. Like I said, he doesn't owe me anything...I don't really want to continue to invest time if he is already on the way forward with someone else.

 

Then don't invest time in him to the extent you are until he's ready to open up his life to you. That's not to advise you not to date him. But, maybe don't go away with him on weekends. Keep a little more distance until you feel comfortable enough, and feel it's appropriate, to talk with him about his Fridays. Or until he talks with you about it on his own, without you asking.

 

I suppose I could. But, I really don't think it's time for the exclusivity talk and I am not sure how I feel about testing him. It could also scare him away, even if he isn't seeing someone else, if he thinks I am ready to get serious.

 

It sounds to me as if you're ready for a more serious relationship that he has indicated to you he is. In that case, it seems to me you'd be wise to put on the brakes a little, not just with spending weekends away, but also with your emotions and your expectations. Try to pace your emotions (and behavior, which you are doing by not quizzing him about his Fridays but maybe not doing since you're going away with him for romantic weekends) with what his behavior indicates.

[Gaeta]

TheBlingring: I am curious, why do you go away on weekends with a man that could still be sleeping with other women?

[dramallama]

 

No, I didn't ask him point blank why Fridays are a problem, because, as you point out, we are not exclusive, and I didn't really think it was my place.

 

Also, up until yesterday, it was just a sneaking suspicion. And I didn't want to make a deal over a sneaking suspicion.

 

 

So this is a slightly different situation to mine but the core issues are the same - communication, expectations, and keeping cool and detached during early stage dating.

 

 

The guy I started dating 6 weeks ago was SO HARD to pin down to plans (because I was trying to let him lead!) any more than a couple of days in advance until recently yet he's a big texter and has consistently text me multiple times every single day since we matched (about 10 days before we met), so I was confused as hell.

 

 

 

Through various innocent and more (gently) probing conversations I have learnt:

 

 

- his work send him all over the place and he doesn't like to commit to something if he doesn't know what time he's finishing and how long it'll take him to get home (fair, I respect that)

- he found his ex incredibly controlling because she wanted to 'run his life' - I think he now naturally rejects over-sharing his plans in case of objection / confrontation

- he wasn't sure how interested I was and whether I was as keen to see him as he was to see me ()

 

 

 

However, over the weeks I've managed to get him to open up about what he's doing by being friendly and enthusiastic about whatever he says, and thanks to some frustrations with not being able to line something up for a couple of weeks, we finally had a conversation about how important advance planning is going to be if we want to see each other. He now acknowledges that he's going to have to let me 'pin him down' to something if he wants my time!

 

 

 

So my advice to you...

 

 

a) Ask friendly questions about his life, routine and patterns - do you have much travel this week, did you have a good time last night - what did you say you were doing?, etc etc.

 

 

b) Next time you're planning - you could just say - you said Fridays were no go - is that a permanent or temporary thing? It would be a very strange answer if he were just to say 'it's a permanent thing' and leave it there! And if he does, you can just joke 'well that was a conversation killer!'.

 

 

c) Chill out. Does he know everything about your life and plans? Mirror how much he shares with you.

Edited October 8, 2019 by dramallama

[TheBlingRing14]

TheBlingring: I am curious, why do you go away on weekends with a man that could still be sleeping with other women?

 

Well...let me explain. The first weekend was not a weekend away. It was just a weekend spent together. Prior to that, I didn't get the impression he was seeing, sleeping with, or serious with another woman. Yes, until we are official, he still could be.

 

This whole Friday thing didn't come up until Sunday, before we parted from each other. That was the first time I had heard anything about it. He had already talked about doing some kitschy Bed n Breakfast weekend getaway prior to that.

 

So, now that those doubts are there...now I suppose I have to answer that question, if I should be doing a weekend getaway with him considering what I know or don't know.

[preraph]

Bling, have you been to his home and spent the night? I mean, all you need to know is that he's not already married or living with someone. But if you haven't been to his place, then that alone tells you there is someone else.

 

I have a friend who is old like me and has a boyfriend and he was hogging her whole weekend and she had to fight him for months to get him to leave her alone on Friday. By Friday, after working all week, being on the phone at work all week, she is exhausted and just needs to rest. Even after he said he would, he would drop by with burritos under the guise of just pampering her because she needed to rest. Self-serving is all that was. She had to really keep on him about it and I doubt he still is totally respecting her wishes there.

 

Another friend of mine has most of her weekend scheduled. She reserves time for her AA meeting (that could be true for him and he wouldn't want to tell you yet). She reserves every Sunday morning to visit her mother.

 

So there's all kinds of reasons. Could be he's on call or something. You just need to be sure you've been to his home before you start going out of town with him so you know he's not already partnered up and cheating. He may not even want to answer the phone/text, like my friend, after doing it all week. Have you ever facetimed (or whatever) him while he is at his home? Or when you have facetimed, has he always been not at home?

[TheBlingRing14]

Bling, have you been to his home and spent the night? I mean, all you need to know is that he's not already married or living with someone. But if you haven't been to his place, then that alone tells you there is someone else.

 

I have a friend who is old like me and has a boyfriend and he was hogging her whole weekend and she had to fight him for months to get him to leave her alone on Friday. By Friday, after working all week, being on the phone at work all week, she is exhausted and just needs to rest. Even after he said he would, he would drop by with burritos under the guise of just pampering her because she needed to rest. Self-serving is all that was. She had to really keep on him about it and I doubt he still is totally respecting her wishes there.

 

Another friend of mine has most of her weekend scheduled. She reserves time for her AA meeting (that could be true for him and he wouldn't want to tell you yet). She reserves every Sunday morning to visit her mother.

 

So there's all kinds of reasons. Could be he's on call or something. You just need to be sure you've been to his home before you start going out of town with him so you know he's not already partnered up and cheating. He may not even want to answer the phone/text, like my friend, after doing it all week. Have you ever facetimed (or whatever) him while he is at his home? Or when you have facetimed, has he always been not at home?

 

Yes, I have been to his home. It seems very single dude-ish I'd say. He also has a roommate, also a single dude. BUT, that doesn't mean that he isn't seeing someone else or in a relationship with someone else. I do feel like I can safely say he isn't married. But partnered up, I am less confident about.

 

As far as needing time to de-compress, I completely get that. But, it was phrased that he wasn't "busy" any day this week except Friday which makes it sound like something he is actively busy with, not just time to himself. I'd also say that if it was just de-compressing time, I would think one Friday every few weeks would be okay to do something on.

 

I will also add one weird thing. When he brought up the weekend away, he said he couldn't do October, because his family was visiting hm, but he didn't know which weekend yet. It seems odd to block off an entire month based on one weekend that you don't have on the books yet. Why not figure out the weekend and then work around it?

[kendahke]

I will also add one weird thing. When he brought up the weekend away, he said he couldn't do October, because his family was visiting hm, but he didn't know which weekend yet. It seems odd to block off an entire month based on one weekend that you don't have on the books yet. Why not figure out the weekend and then work around it?

 

Because he's waiting to find out from them which weekend. Maybe their plans are still up in the air.

 

There's nothing wrong about how he's approaching it. You sound annoyed that you can't control his time.

[preraph]

For all you know, he could be having a housekeeper come on Friday. I mean, it could be anything.

 

He sounds like a guy who doesn't like to overbook. I'm the same way. He doesn't want to create pressure around when his family is coming.

 

Also, if you two haven't had the talk and agreed to be "exclusive," then yes, he could have another date -- or he could be going to a bachelor party or to a company function or having dinner with someone. Really, you're overthinking it.

 

Sit back and relax and see what he WILL do, not what he won't do so you'll know how invested he is when left to his own pace and initiative. Don't be pushing at this stage. See what he'll do to further your relationship on his own.