Question about online dating

[RBLL]

I wonder if anyone can offer me advice on what I'm doing wrong with this on-line dating thing. I have two dreams: 1) start asking women out and get dates, and 2) fall head-over-heels in love with a woman who feels the same about me.

A little background: I'm a late bloomer in dating and sex. A few women in the past have asked me out and I married two of them, but I've never asked a woman out. I learned most of the basics of sex from my second wife, but she was used to better and constantly criticized me. She left after 3 years.

Four years ago, a cute, bubbly lady said hi to me on POF, and we've been seeing each other a couple times a week ever since. She's taught me a lot, like that women pursue sex just like guys do and that having sex with me on the first date didn't make her a slut or a bad person. She says I'm a hottie, look half my age, talk like Sam Elliot and resemble Jeff Bridges. We've had lots of fun, and she's the first woman I've ever pleased in bed. I was getting all A's on my report card! She said I take her places she's never been. The whole time, she kept hinting she wanted to take it serious and often talks about retiring together in Arizona someday.

Last spring, I took the plunge and went all in with my heart, a committed serious relationship. For 3 months I was the happiest I've ever been, and her family and friends said we were a great couple. I took her vacationing all over the state. Then, I hadn't seen her in a couple days and I texted her that I was thinking about her and missed her. In my mind, a woman would love hearing that from her guy, but she jumped on my case for it, calling me clingy. I inquired as to why, and she said the love ship sailed long ago for her and she just wants a part time boyfriend again. No growing or evolving, just fun twice a week. I had offered all I have to give, and she left most of it on the table. Then she changed my report card from all A's to all C's and said she'd had other good lovers, that my best effort was nothing new or special and it's too bad I never had good sex before. That hit me hard, since I relied on her feedback as evidence that I was getting good at it.

So I glued my heart back together and backed off. I had given up dream #1 for dream #2 and got neither. I said if I can't have the love story, I want to experience other good lovers too, like she has. In my mind, a woman wouldn't want to stay in that situation, but she became her old happy self again, saying she loves me and wanting to retire together. She said she doesn't blame me for wanting to experience pleasing other lovers, and that I would regret it later if I don't. Then she said she believes I'll date women for a few years, then I'll come back to her because she'll wait and stay faithful. She said keep Tuesdays open for her, use condoms with everyone else and save the "prime" for her. She says I'm hubba and women will definitely be attracted to me if I get "out there". Then she said the only reason she contacted me was to get laid.

So now I'm in a really weird situation. I want dream #1 AND dream #2. We tell each other we love each other, then she asks how it's going on POF. I tell her nobody's interested in me, and she suggests speed dating or meetups. I had to kill the "in love with her" thing so I wouldn't be writing the love story alone, but I am fond of her and she's a good person. For me, I want to be so loved by a woman that she would fight to keep me and never want to share me, and she would make me feel like the best lover in the world. If she slept with another man, I'd be done. I couldn't deal with that.

None of this is in my POF profile. I just talk about how I haven't dated much but want to, that I'm a late bloomer and eager to explore, and hopefully I'll find the love of my life. I say that I have a lot of love to give, and that a couple should strive to become the best lovers each other have ever known. I say that I hope to find someone who is so connected to me that we follow each other's train of thought and can finish each other's sentences. I want a relationship where we are each other's top priorities, treasure each other, only have eyes for each other, miss each other when apart and can't get enough of each other's sweet lovin'. The love story of a lifetime. But I get no interest. Maybe a different site would be better? Thanks for any insight.

[MsJayne]

"Keep Tuesday nights for me"...... Are you serious??? Does she think you're a male prostitute? A convenience store? Sorry, but she sounds nasty. Unless a relationship is mutually satisfying in all aspects, one person is just getting used, and a person who uses others is ALWAYS a creep. I'd look for someone else, someone who isn't so negative about relationships, and make a big point of blocking this woman from all avenues of contact. Maybe post her a cucumber on Monday so it gets there by Tuesday night.

[PegNosePete]

None of this is in my POF profile. I just talk about how I haven't dated much but want to, that I'm a late bloomer and eager to explore, and hopefully I'll find the love of my life. I say that I have a lot of love to give, and that a couple should strive to become the best lovers each other have ever known. I say that I hope to find someone who is so connected to me that we follow each other's train of thought and can finish each other's sentences. I want a relationship where we are each other's top priorities, treasure each other, only have eyes for each other, miss each other when apart and can't get enough of each other's sweet lovin'. The love story of a lifetime. But I get no interest. Maybe a different site would be better? Thanks for any insight.

Goodness. You seriously need to get a profile review. This sounds utterly terrible. The first part is TMI and the second part is way too OTT.

 

Sounds like you also need to cut this woman out of your life. she is holding you back. When you meet a new woman this old one will become a thorn in your side. How would a new woman feel when you explain that tuesdays are set aside for your FWB or whatever she is? Or that some other woman is waiting around for you to play the field? That is a great way to completely sabotage a new relationship.

[chillii]

Op l think your too much about pleasing her and she is too quite frankly, and not enough about you and her making you happy too,

She's all about herself on what you've said, she talks like a teenager tbh, all this comparing and throwing things in your face not to mention flipping her lid, sounds as skitish as fox in a bush fire.How old is she, 12.

 

First up l think a man like you could do far better than her bs tbh , sorry l know you think the world of her .

And 2ndly , start thinking about you as well, it's not all about the women , it's a 50 50 two way street, she needs to be as much about you as you are her , and you need some being about you too.

Anyway , good luck for the future

Edited October 8, 2019 by chillii

[chillii]

"Keep Tuesday nights for me"...... Are you serious??? Does she think you're a male prostitute? A convenience store? Sorry, but she sounds nasty. Unless a relationship is mutually satisfying in all aspects, one person is just getting used, and a person who uses others is ALWAYS a creep. I'd look for someone else, someone who isn't so negative about relationships, and make a big point of blocking this woman from all avenues of contact. Maybe post her a cucumber on Monday so it gets there by Tuesday night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah , about what l was thinking too .

[lavenderandvelvet]

Throw her back in the pond and keep looking.

[RBLL]

Thanks for the input, I appreciate it. I may have painted a darker picture of her than I intended. She is a free spirit, generous and honest to a fault. She is just jaded and cynical about relationships and calls it a fairy tale for young people. She just wants fun and her independence, and there's nothing wrong with that. But I want the fairy tale love, and she knows it. Sometimes my heart still leaps at her remembering how happy I was being in love.

Just because she suggested keeping it going with her "on the side" doesn't mean I will. If I'm seeing other women and I find one I'd like to start a relationship with, it would be exclusive. I'm still in contact with my ex's, and I would like that with her too if she wants. She really only wants me to be happy, hence being willing to share me even though she'd rather not.

To be fair, it's not her fault. She's used to men who are experienced and confident in bed, men who don't worry if they're doing it right. That's the opposite of me. She's been having sex, and enjoying it, for 40 years, three times longer than I have. Now that I know how to enjoy it, and that women go after it too, it's top priority for me. I reeeally like it!!

They say people come into your life to teach you things. I'm grateful she taught me how to relax and enjoy sex, to have fun at it, and to know what it's like to please a woman.

I've been reading articles on what not to write in my profile. Every word I wrote is true, but that stuff doesn't belong in the profile. I just didn't want women thinking I'm some accomplished lover, and then be disappointed. I'll rewrite my profile.

[chillii]

Don't worry often the so called free spirits are jaded and cynical once you get into their heads.

[ajequals]

I'd dump her too life is too short to put up with that kind of women , I'd also change your profile. ,as little info as possible about yourself. , don't talk about your self be mysterious. women like that and see where it goes

[kendahke]

She said she doesn't blame me for wanting to experience pleasing other lovers,

She says I'm hubba and women will definitely be attracted to me if I get "out there".

she asks how it's going on POF.

she suggests speed dating or meetups

 

Anytime any woman offers you up to other women while she's supposed to be the one dating you, that means she has no real interest in you, your well being, your esteem... nada. What woman would put herself in that insecure position if she was into you?

 

Then she said the only reason she contacted me was to get laid.

 

Hmmm... stud service. If she's any good, avail yourself but be cold and deliberate as she's not there to be invested in. Save that for the woman who acts like she wants you in her life.

 

Otherwise dump her, block her and move on.

 

I want to be so loved by a woman that she would fight to keep me and never want to share me, and she would make me feel like the best lover in the world

 

It shouldn't take a "fight" to "keep you". You shouldn't have to have any conversation trying to convince any woman of your worth as a lover and romantic partner. The only time "fighting" is even a thing is when you're attempting to drag her down a road against her will that she has told you she doesn't want to go down. IOW: you're not trying to hear what she's telling you because you're too busy trying to get your way despite how she feels about you.

 

None of this is in my POF profile. I just talk about how I haven't dated much but want to, that I'm a late bloomer and eager to explore,

Take that out of your profile--that's a swipe left prompt if ever I've read one. Have that conversation in person after they've shown interest in a second and third date.

Edited October 9, 2019 by kendahke