haaaaaap Posted March 20, 2019 Posted March 20, 2019 I've officially been with my boyfriend one month but we saw each other for 5 months before that. He's a bit older than me (36 and I'm 22). Anyway, he's always been attentive in texting, sometimes a bit too much, sometimes he will text me things and if I don't reply he'll reply who are you with? He doesn't mind double texting either! He's in constant contact. Anyway, last night he just stopped replying to my messages - they weren't important but he always says goodnight and whatever. I could see he was online but just not replying. I got a bit pissed off, but kinda left it. He then text me at 2am like can I ring you? Obviously I didn't reply as I was asleep. He text me three times today basically trying to get me to start a conversation but I was pissed off and tired. Eventually I replied and he said he would call me in a bit (that was 4 hours ago!). He's not been online since and hasn't called. I rang once and it rang out but he didn't answer. He's preparing for a big work project thing so I know it's likely that he is doing that, but I just think ... it's so weird? Especially as he was the one who wanted the constant contact. My last boyfriend cheated on me and I'm just convinced he is doing the same. I feel so on edge and sick, I don't know what to do
basil67 Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 (edited) You know how you don't always text him back and he gets all upset? It sounds like he's giving you a dose of your own medicine. Thing is, it sounds like both of you panic and think the other is cheating. I suggest the two of you have a conversation and agree on the way you both want to text communication to look. Edited to add: for what it's worth, I'd be setting down some hard boundaries with someone who asked "who are you with?" if I missed a text. This is completely unacceptable. However it sounds like you know where he's coming from, so perhaps you can work at gaining trust together. Edited March 21, 2019 by basil67 2
kendahke Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 You're pissed at him for doing to you what you do to him, but give yourself a pass for? It doesn't work that way. Treat him the way you want to be treated or find a younger guy who wants to play games because that's what you're doing right now. 1
smackie9 Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 You are sabotaging your relationship wit him....now stop it. If you don't he's gonna just throw his hands up and walk. 1
kendahke Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 I'm sure that by now, you've had a conversation with him about your cheating experience with your ex and he's doing what he can to reassure you that you have nothing to worry about with him, but then you turn around do this passive aggressive action of ignoring his text messages. Instead of telling him "hey, while I love hearing from you often, it can be overwhelming sometimes and I'm not quite in need of that much hand holding", you're ignoring him. Ignoring him is game playing--could be he's over it, so he's playing your game back to you because most likely, it's 1 month into a new relationship, you've both are in the process of dismissing your "on their best behavior" representatives. Now the real you and the real him are coming to the fore and somewhere, you've got a breakdown in communication going on to the point where now, you're playing games, hoping he will catch your hint instead of opening your mouth, owning your voice and speaking up for what you want. Try doing that---because of his age, that might be something he's more used to in an older woman who's gotten this game playing out of her system.
c1nderella Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 Being ignored sucks... even if you’re mad and don’t want to talk or are upset at him for texting you, tell him. Communication is key, Don’t ignore him. Ignoring could come off as you losing interest in that other person and when this happens a lot the other person is going to eventually stop chasing you. Because why would he reach out to you if you’re going to ignore him after? Might as well not talk.
basil67 Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 I agree with c1nderella, that ignoring sucks. I'm talking about deliberate ignoring here. However, in a relationship one should also have enough faith to be able to withstand no replies if they know their partner is busy, sleeping, at work or out with mates. And there's always the chance that their phone has run out of charge.
d0nnivain Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 My last boyfriend cheated on me and I'm just convinced he is doing the same. I feel so on edge and sick, I don't know what to do You work on yourself. The idea that you got this pissed off because he didn't text goodnight is a serious over reaction. Similarly your physical reaction -- being sick over this -- is more over the top behavior. You need to reign in your own emotions. While his behavior may warrant you being temporarily miffed, it was incumbent upon you to be over it the minute he texted you at 2 a.m. That was your signal that your conclusions were wrong. Despite your age of 22 you are behaving like a silly high school girl. It's time to develop a more mature attitude. If you don't, this man who is 14 years older then you are, will disappear very quickly because he needs to focus on work not you having a tantrum & tracking when he's on line. 3
Mrs._December Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 He's a bit older than me (36 and I'm 22). Anyway, he's always been attentive in texting, sometimes a bit too much, sometimes he will text me things and if I don't reply he'll reply who are you with? He doesn't mind double texting either! He's in constant contact. Now I get why your boyfriend had to start dating someone as young as you - women his own age wouldn't put up with his paranoid crap. Young women such as yourself don't have enough life experience to know to avoid insecure fools like this guy. Anyway, last night he just stopped replying to my messages - they weren't important but he always says goodnight and whatever. I could see he was online but just not replying. I got a bit pissed off, but kinda left it. He then text me at 2am like can I ring you? Obviously I didn't reply as I was asleep. He text me three times today basically trying to get me to start a conversation but I was pissed off and tired.I REPEAT. This guy is an emotional vampire with the maturity of a 15 year old teenage boy. Women his own age want nothing to do with someone this emotionally stunted so he has to look for girlfriends who are young and who he can 'mold' into what he needs. He's preparing for a big work project thing so I know it's likely that he is doing that, but I just think ... it's so weird? Especially as he was the one who wanted the constant contact. And there you are making excuses for this fool's behavior. This is WHY he chose younger. My last boyfriend cheated on me and I'm just convinced he is doing the same. I feel so on edge and sick, I don't know what to do This has nothing to do with cheating and EVERYTHING to do with control. If you're wise, you'll throw this one back in the sea because you don't have that much invested in him. If you choose to stay with him, be prepared for a lifetime of being emotionally blackmailed, manipulated, and constantly controlled. Because that's exactly what he was doing when you think he was too busy working on that oh so important project of his. Get out now or you'll regret it. 2
Wallysbears Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 I'm going to say that a 36 year old man dating a 22 year old woman and acting like he does is a sign that this guy is going to be a pain in the butt, insecure, controlling type. Why are you dating a guy of 36 when you are 22? 1
kendahke Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 It would seem your relationship insecurity issues are a repeating issue for you. What happened with that? Your last and only other post was made almost 2 years ago to the day. Was that the guy you say was cheating on you? How did that pan out and what did you learn about yourself from that relationship?
Lotsgoingon Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 Anyway, he's always been attentive in texting, sometimes a bit too much, sometimes he will text me things and if I don't reply he'll reply who are you with? He doesn't mind double texting either! He's in constant contact. Guy asks who you are with when you're slow to text, cut off relationship immediately. He's controlling and he's trying to manipulate you. He's trying to get you to feel like YOU have to defend not texting ... as opposed to say, sincerely finding out what was going on ... or if you were asleep ... or if you weren't feeling well. Also, you guys are early on ... he needs to learn your texting style. Your alarms are sounding for good reason. This guy sounds very controlling ... and yes, a slick move that controllers execute is get the woman on the defensive, apologizing for existing ... Get her explaining she's NOT been with someone else and then use the woman's defensiveness to create room to cheat. Let go ... move on ... get out soon, because the longer you stay with a controlling manipulator, the harder it can be to get out.
preraph Posted March 21, 2019 Posted March 21, 2019 When someone, anyone, tells you they are working on a big project or are super busy or having a bunch of busy-type problems, stop bugging them and interrupting them with nonsense texts! This seems like a no brainer. He TOLD you what was happening, and you made NO adjustments to get out of his way and give him the time he needed to focus on that. Listen to what a person says and don't make them have to get ugly and say, Stop bothering me when you know I'm busy. 1
Author haaaaaap Posted September 24, 2019 Author Posted September 24, 2019 I came to my boyfriend's city for the weekend. He lives in a different city so we only see each other at the weekend. Spent a lot of money to get here, currently extremely broke. My boyfriend is usually extremely attentive and really caring for context. We've only been together a few months. Anyway, since I have arrived it's been non stop running errands. He is moving house next week and so is currently staying at a hotel. Anyway. When I got here on Friday it was past 9pm and he said he needed to go back to work to print stuff off. This took less than an hour. All good - appreciated him picking me up! We dropped the printouts at his sisters (first time I met her). We stopped for a coffee and he was messing around on instagram when I was trying to tell him about my week. Jokingly I said "Every time you go on your phone I'm gonna stop talking!". We laughed about it, he put his phone away and we carried on as normal. After this about 1am we went to smoke weed with his brother until about 3am. First time meeting his brother as well. Went well - all chatting and getting on. When we got back to the hotel BF started crying - saying I had made him feel guilty about using his phone before and we weren't "connected" as we usually are. Felt taken aback and tried to reassure him it wasn't an issue, more a pet peeve which I've told him about. Chat lasted 2 hours ish. Slept about 5am. Had to wake up at 10am as he had an event he had to do in another city at 2pm. I went to this and waited around whilst he did it. Took 4 hours round trip to get there. Obviously I enjoyed watching him do this, but the effort I feel was there on my behalf. We then went to his sister's bday party where I met all his family and his best friend and his wife. All went well, felt relaxed and happy around him, everything back to normal. He then met his brother again at 1am to smoke. I said I didn't want to go because I was tired, so he went. Even though he lives with this brother all week. After like an hour I asked him to come back because it was our last night together, which he did. Sunday morning we both had to wake up at 8am again to move stuff for his house move, which involved me basically sitting in the car for three hours so his friend could help him carry stuff. Obviously I understand this is necessary and needed to be done, he kept saying "I appreciate you so much, thank you for waiting" etc., and jokingly said it was "inhumane treatment" to leave me in a car so long doing nothing. Come 4pm, he says he needs to go to his weekly running training which will take 2 hours. This would take us up to 7pm. So he's dropped me at a local coffee shop and then he's going to be 2 hours. After 2 and a half hours i text him saying "how long will you be?" and he replies saying he's jsut getting a picture for instagram. I say "really? okay. dont you think thats not on when ive been waiting nearly 3 hours". I felt like ****. I know its so childish but I made such an effort to be there and I just felt so exhausted by all the running around. We didn't do anything nice, and we didn't really interact apart from during the drives to the things he needed to do. I spent over £100 travelling down and for the hotel. On top of this I have had really bad UTI infection so still had a temperature and feel sick. Also felt extremely anxious in a motorway service station coffee shop unable to leave or get home (BF had agreed to take me home because of expensive trains) When BF picked me up he shouted at me, calling me selfish and manipulative. Saying that it's the first time he saw his friend all week. I said I felt low on the list of his priorities and that I was ill and tired. He said I wanted him to cancel his session. I replied saying there was countless times when I had he had a flat that I would wait there whilst he was training and NEVER bother him on the training he did, even if he was late. My issue, I said, was being uncomfortable, ratty and ill and wanting to not be in a public place. I apologised for the texts which were out of character, and admitted they were bitchy. He was silent the hour it took to drive back. We stopped at services halfway and I bought him a cuddly keyring type thing and a doughnut as a stupid peace offering - I really didn't see how much it would blow up. He said he was leaving as soon as he dropped me off (we would usually get food). I was really upset crying and he just basically shut down - wouldn't look at me, wouldn't respond to me trying to hug him. He said "I just want to go home" over and over again. Then I said "are we done with this then?" (meaning the argument) and he said "yes" - I said "are we breaking up right now?" and he said I am. Sent him numerous apology texts after he left. Didnt respond. He called me last night and basically said: > He didn't want to be with someone so manipulative > I acted like his sister > I was making him feel guilty when he shouldn't > I knew he was insecure and still I acted so nastily He then said we should have an in person conversation but he needs a "few more days to think about his decision" ---- Am I missing something? I know I was a bitch with the messages, but like I said, I was so fed up at 7pm on a Sunday after such a busy weekend. Is it enough to breakup with someone?!?! My mum thinks he's just overwhelmed with stress and gone nuclear. I'd appreciate any insights
Flame Aura Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 You had every right to be upset. He left you waiting for hours and was busy taking pics for Insta? He took the piss for sure. Anyway the best thing to do is give him the time he asked for to think. That's what we men want - time alone to go through our thoughts. Don't reach out to him again. When he is ready he will contact you. Then you can talk and come to a conclusion about what to do.
Artdeco Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 (edited) Looks like he had a lot on his plate that weekend. Anybody in that situation would be stressed out. Running training, family events, and moving thrown into the mix, Jesus, that’s a lot, plus a relatively new relationship ...... it might be immaturity and lack of life experience (not sure how old you guys are, but you sound young), but he could’ve told you in advance that that particular weekend would not be ideal for a visit. You would’ve saved your money for the travel, and he could’ve taken care of everything without the added pressure of keeping you company. And why do you guys smoke weed in the middle of the night, instead of getting some good rest? Yes, he definitely sounds young and immature. I’d give him some space to think things through. Don’t pressure him. He’s got enough pressure right now. But I also don’t see why you apologized. You just sent him a text wondering about his whereabouts/arrival times. Unless those where abusive texts, I don’t see an issue. If you like the guy (and you are probably still just learning about him), let him know that you’ll gladly visit again when he’s less busy. Edited September 24, 2019 by Artdeco 2
hippychick3 Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 Wow. The one apologizing should be him, not you. I’d be soooo pissed to be treated so poorly after making the huge effort to go see him. It was totally wrong and inconsiderate to leave you waiting that long. He should have profusely apologized to you. Please stop blaming yourself. He sounds incredibly selfish and insensitive.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 Something was very wrong the moment this happened: "When we got back to the hotel BF started crying - saying I had made him feel guilty about using his phone before and we weren't "connected" as we usually are." The underlined bit in particular is very telling, in my opinion. Something has been bothering him about the relationship. It was already bothering him before you even got there. I don't mean to suggest you did something wrong, but it sounds very much to me like he's been having doubts and those tears were coming from a place of guilt for not being honest about it. I highly doubt he just felt so chastised for your IG joke that it made him cry. No. There was more to it. I feel his over-the-top reaction to your text wondering where he was him looking for a way out of the relationship, and a way to blame you rather than being honest about his motivations for ending it. I would not contact him. It feels like a shock because you hadn't yet seen this side of him, and also because I don't think you're getting the full truth from him. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 (edited) You were both wrong in here. If you were sick & broke, knowing he was moving & staying in a hotel, why did you go? I would have waited to see him until he was all moved in to his new place. Depending on how many months a "few" is I doubt I'd even insert myself into the move. But since you were there, why did you just sit in the car? Why couldn't you help? Once you got there, he should have made you a bit more of a priority but it was a busy weekend. With all of the physical activity associated with moving I don't get why he had to go running. Given how much weed he smokes I have a hard time believing he's a serious runner; the smoke alone compromises pulmonary function thereby diminishing his running so I call BS on this "need" to train. Plus, since he was out of the car & running, why couldn't you have the car? Why couldn't you stay in the hotel instead of the coffee shop? Why didn't you just take an earlier train & cut the visit short if you weren't going to spend that time together anyway? You both made a lot of bad choices. But here's the thing, never put yourself in a situation you can't get out of. If you didn't have enough money to take a train home, perhaps you would have been better off staying home. Seriously, if you were that miserable, & the finances been different you should have just be able to leave. You kind of stranded yourself. Then when you were upset texting anything other then your Q about his ETA to pick you up at the coffee shop was a bad move. You picked the worst way to communicate. Complex & emotional subjects should always be done face to face, never through a device. If you have a prayer of getting past this slow your interactions until he is all moved in. Get him a small housewarming gift & then talk about expectations. Don't blame. Don't shout. Discuss where you both went wrong. BTW is this the same guy you were upset with in March because he didn't text you goodnight? the 14 year age gap might be part of this: you still look at romance as glitter & fairytales while he knows the practicalities but he still should have carved out more sensible arrangements for your visit Otherwise just accept that you are broken up. Edited September 24, 2019 by d0nnivain 4
Author haaaaaap Posted September 25, 2019 Author Posted September 25, 2019 (ex) BF asked to met when I was next free to have a conversation in person .... this was after I explained my POV and my frustration. I said I wouldn't contact him until I saw him (possibly Friday, but my UTI has worsened and waiting on a GP appointment) and have stuck to my word. Any advice on the meet? Anything that I should expect/what is the rationale behind him visiting do you think? I clearly don't want to break up with him.
d0nnivain Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 Chalk the whole thing up to bad timing. Explain away your part of it as being sick & worried about money. Accept that he was stressing about his move. Then move on. Stop dwelling & don't talk your relationship to death
Author haaaaaap Posted September 25, 2019 Author Posted September 25, 2019 Chalk the whole thing up to bad timing. Explain away your part of it as being sick & worried about money. Accept that he was stressing about his move. Then move on. Stop dwelling & don't talk your relationship to death Do you think that's what he is expecting with the talk? Would he drive here just to confirm the relationship is over, even though he has already told me it was/is? Is he expecting the next few days he will know for sure?
preraph Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 So basically, he only wants to be with someone if he can have his own way 100 percent of the time and never have to consider the other person's situation. He's rude and inconsiderate being on his phone when you're trying to talk to him, I certainly agree. There was nothing wrong with you saying that, but that's what triggered him for the rest of the time. Any reasonable person would have said something similar. I said something similar when an out of town friend I hadn't seen in years but stay in email contact with came to town finally and her SIL kept calling her interrupting our short visit for no reason even though she knew it was important to my friend. We're at dinner, and I said, "Excuse me, why are you still answering that even after you've told her you're busy with a friend?" If she hadn't stopped, it would have been the death knell of our long friendship. It's not unreasonable to ask someone to stop strictly optional leisurely activities when they're spending time with you. I'd let him walk. If you stay, you're just going to get more of the inconsiderate treatment.
d0nnivain Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 Do you think that's what he is expecting with the talk? Would he drive here just to confirm the relationship is over, even though he has already told me it was/is? Is he expecting the next few days he will know for sure? I have no idea what he wants. You know him I don't. What I found most distressing about your original post is your inability or unwillingness to take control of your situation. IMO you will be better serve when you start acting like the Master of your own Destiny. It's got to be about what you want to & respect for you as a person. If you aren't getting that in a relationship. there is no sense in being in he relationship. Hear him out. See what he wants & how it compares to what you want. 2
Author haaaaaap Posted September 25, 2019 Author Posted September 25, 2019 I have no idea what he wants. You know him I don't. What I found most distressing about your original post is your inability or unwillingness to take control of your situation. IMO you will be better serve when you start acting like the Master of your own Destiny. It's got to be about what you want to & respect for you as a person. If you aren't getting that in a relationship. there is no sense in being in he relationship. Hear him out. See what he wants & how it compares to what you want. If I can ask, what do you find distressing about it, and what examples of not being able to take control of my situation?
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