for...well everything that goes along with the seperation/divorce process

October 7, 2019

I first want to say the advice that this forum gives is nothing short of amazing! Seriously there is not a forum I have been able to find that even compares. I was hear years back under a dif username. It's been so long that I couldn't remember it so this is a new account. I have been browsing a lot lately since I have become separated and the divorce process is soon beginning. The last thing I wanted to do was divorce because I meant what I said at the alter and took that very serious. My final attempt to try and keep the marriage(even though she doesn't deserve it as you will soon read) was marriage counseling, which she quickly dismissed saying we bring the worst out of each other and life is short and she is moving on with her life. So that was that and I began getting the separation agreement began and the divorce papers started.

Here is the back story and why I was here years ago. I first want to say I have never considered myself a beta male even though the story I'm about to tell is going to make me sound like a major one. Damn it though, you just can't help who you fall head over heals in love with and that makes you make some stupid choices. Anyway getting off track. So we have been married almost 2 years and been together almost a decade. We have a daughter together who is about to be 8 and a step daughter(her daughter) who I have raised since she was a year old. She considers me her dad and I consider her my daughter and nothing will chance that. So about 4yrs back she had started going to these support groups as she is a recovering addict from benzos. At the time her and I were having arguments and such but nothing major where I thought a break up would be coming. Well it did. She started acting very distant on the phone and in person for a about a week and then next thing I know she says that she wants to break up. We were engaged at the time and our daughter was around 2. I was completely devastated. I immediately knew she found another man which sure enough with in a few weeks she was showing him off all over facebook and even having him around our daughters. They dated a few months and of course slept together and when they broke up she came calling me wanting to hang out. Like a beta male I jumped right on the opportunity but my reasons were wanting my family back, and her. I still loved her despite knowing she slept with this other man. She has a back story of being sexually abused as a child which makes me make excuses for her cheating behavior and justify it. She also has a mother who always jumps man to man so obviously that plays a terrible role model for how to have a stable relationship.

Moving forward we did end up getting back together and she apologized and just said everyone in these support groups were pushing her to leave me and her head wasn't in the right place at the time and he was there for her and it just happened. It killed my trust which took years to earn back but I eventually did because she was perfect in every way. Never went out with gf's or had any male co worker friends. Was completely all about me and made a promise to remain that way. Before our relationship we had hooked up at a party at like 18 and she had told me she had always wanted to be with me since than but I had blew her off because back then I wasn't looking for a serious relationship but she always says how she's always wanted me. Well about 4 yrs after the cheating episode we got married. We had been together so long it honestly didn't seem much different than being in the relationship we had been in except I was so proud for her to carry my last time and for me to call her my wife. We did have our arguments like every other couple but our problem is we are both stubborn and don't talk it out afterwards. We just go to bed for the night and hope it goes away. This ended up pretty much ruining our marriage because it built up so much resentment and hostility. She said she always felt like I put her on the back burner and never gave her the love and attention she was looking for. A lot of the times though she would be moody and irritable which would make it hard to cuddle up and be romantic. We did have a wonderful sex life which towards the end slowed way down because of all the animosity. One other thing to mention is she has always been one to run away from our problems. Anytime we had a major fight she would call her grandma and go stay with her and then end up coming back a few days later. Well on one of our last fights thats what she did but ended up just staying there. We both talked about how we weren't happy in the marriage and how it just wasn't working out. We would also end up making up though and she would come back home and his cycle kind of repeated over and over. Well she had been gone a couple months and said that she wanted to get a divorce. A few weeks later I find out she is dating a guy, that's right dating a guy why we are still married. I find this humiliating and just down right disgusting. I could never think of doing that to her. I just feel like she never really loved me. She was just comfortable with having a house, a family, stability. We've talked about it and she has no remorse for having this new guy who she is obviously committing adultery with. I haven't begged for her to come back or anything because I don't think I could ever get trust back after that happening a 2nd time and I also just think the cheating cycle would continue. But damn it I still love this woman after all shes put me through. Any advice on how to move forward and how to use the no contact rule with kids involved is very much appreciated. Thanks

October 7, 2019

A sad story and I'm sorry this happened. It sounds like the wheels have been coming off the train for a while now, so not sure what to say except to take the bull by the horns and deal with the situation. Taking her back (if she ever comes crawling back) after the cheating while married just sends a message that you'll tolerate whatever so IMO it probably wouldn't be a good idea, despite your emotions. If divorced you'll have many options for finding someone else who's stable and loyal (presumably with their own kids, but still).

October 7, 2019

My xH and I did not have kids, but from reading many posts here from those who do, it seems the trick is that after the divorce you need to keep strict boundaries and only discuss the children.

Prior to the divorce being final you'll have to be in contact to go over all the financial details that have to be sorted out, so you can't really be NC on everything else until then. But you can focus on doing your best at keeping the contact only about necessary issues and avoid sniping and blaming or any other emotional exchanges.

It seems that you aren't quite on board with divorcing although she's determined it's over. So be sure to take care of yourself and accept emotional support from friends and family that offer.

It takes time and it's difficult, but my guess is at some point after all the dust settles and you've detached from her you'll realize that you are happier without all the hurt and disappointment being in a relationship with her brings.

October 7, 2019

A sad story and I'm sorry this happened. It sounds like the wheels have been coming off the train for a while now, so not sure what to say except to take the bull by the horns and deal with the situation. Taking her back (if she ever comes crawling back) after the cheating while married just sends a message that you'll tolerate whatever so IMO it probably wouldn't be a good idea, despite your emotions. If divorced you'll have many options for finding someone else who's stable and loyal (presumably with their own kids, but still).

Exactly, if she would attempt to come back and accept marriage counseling and attempt to make the marriage work she would know that she could get away with whatever she wanted to over and over. I believe that's what happened the first time she cheated the first time. She came crawling back and I was right there waiting like a sad puppy. I should have took the bull by the horns than and moved on with my life but the desire to keep my family together and the woman I love was just too strong. My brain knew it wasn't the right choice but my heart just wanted healed. It still never fully has healed from back and now that she has done the same thing while married it just brought back those memories plus ripped my heart to pieces again. I have nothing left to do but man up and continue on with my life until a new woman walks into my life when I least expect it and I forget about woman I spent almost a decade on who just to get screwed over.

October 7, 2019

My xH and I did not have kids, but from reading many posts here from those who do, it seems the trick is that after the divorce you need to keep strict boundaries and only discuss the children.

Prior to the divorce being final you'll have to be in contact to go over all the financial details that have to be sorted out, so you can't really be NC on everything else until then. But you can focus on doing your best at keeping the contact only about necessary issues and avoid sniping and blaming or any other emotional exchanges.

It seems that you aren't quite on board with divorcing although she's determined it's over. So be sure to take care of yourself and accept emotional support from friends and family that offer.

It takes time and it's difficult, but my guess is at some point after all the dust settles and you've detached from her you'll realize that you are happier without all the hurt and disappointment being in a relationship with her brings.

Yes I've been familiar with the NC rule for many yrs now because I started it the last time this happened to me. This time around our children our older so it takes more contact but she contacts me way to often and often about things that don't really need to be discussed. It's almost as if she wants to see if I'm still going to be there to answer her every call or text. After I asked about marriage counseling and she turned it down that was the final straw. So I've been the one to actually initiate the divorce. I've gotten a lot of the paper work in order and finished my separation agreement. I've asked her to please finish hers so we can move on to the next stage in the process but she keeps making excuses. I'm just going to be firm with the limited NC because obviously with kids it can't be full on NC but unless its an emergency with them or something that absolutely needs discussed I wont be answering or texting/calling her. I've tried multiple times making it clear to stop contacting me for things other than the children and that I'm just wanting my space to move on with my life but she just wants to keep my on a string. It's almost like a sick game to her. My feelings don't matter at all. I took my marriage so serious and could never imagined even talking to another woman in a sexual way let alone dating/sleeping with them. That just let me know she never truly loved me. Actions let me know everything.

October 7, 2019

Sorry you're going through all this. It sounds like she has trouble really committing, as evidenced by cheating. I mean, of course, I am not a fly on your wall, so I can't say what part you played, but I'm sure you had some part.

Anyway, you just have to face that she doesn't seem to have the capacity to remain in a committed relationship. I think wanting attention is a factor, but that even if you gave her all the attention you could muster, I just have a feeling she's also going to be looking for some sort of validation with other men anyway.

This relationship just has its limits. The best thing to do for the children is remain civil and agree on divorce terms. You should have joint custody of the child, and that way you don't have to pay as much support, but more importantly, this gives her room to have a private life without bringing it around the kids (and you too) as well as you both have the same time for employment, which is only fair.

But you will have to learn to move on and not let her just keep leaning on you or she'll destroy any hope you have for finding another woman who'll stay.

October 8, 2019

Any advice on how to move forward and how to use the no contact rule with kids involved is very much appreciated. Thanks

Where are you in the legal process? You mentioned a lawyer and separation papers, have they been filed?

Afraid my friend this is like one of those extra-strength band-aids - when the time comes, best to just rip it off. I'd focus on getting the divorce in place, you can communicate through text in the meantime. Don't ever be fooled into thinking she's got your interests at heart, she sounds as untrustworthy as they come. Time to put the past behind you and focus on the road ahead. Keep posting...

Mr. Lucky

October 8, 2019

I would urge you into counseling to find out why you were willing to be treated this way. I'm not sure a new relationship will solve your problem. You may be choosing to be with the wrong person because of your own issues.

I think the healthiest thing you could do right now is be angry.

October 8, 2019

Sorry you're going through all this. It sounds like she has trouble really committing, as evidenced by cheating. I mean, of course, I am not a fly on your wall, so I can't say what part you played, but I'm sure you had some part.

Anyway, you just have to face that she doesn't seem to have the capacity to remain in a committed relationship. I think wanting attention is a factor, but that even if you gave her all the attention you could muster, I just have a feeling she's also going to be looking for some sort of validation with other men anyway.

This relationship just has its limits. The best thing to do for the children is remain civil and agree on divorce terms. You should have joint custody of the child, and that way you don't have to pay as much support, but more importantly, this gives her room to have a private life without bringing it around the kids (and you too) as well as you both have the same time for employment, which is only fair.

But you will have to learn to move on and not let her just keep leaning on you or she'll destroy any hope you have for finding another woman who'll stay.

I def played a part no doubt about it and I've always owned up to it with her and with myself. Every since the first episode of cheating, I was never as warm and comfortable as I was in the beginning. I think a reason for that is I put up a wall for protection just to not give my whole heart again to have it ripped apart. As the years went on though she really did remain as faithful and honest as any woman could so I started to let that wall down. I still wasn't always as affectionate as I could have been but we were also busy with the kids a lot and didn't always have time for just the two of us.There would be days she would be very moody and irritable and vice versa, but these were all things that couples go through and could easily have been worked out.

The last part of what you said is so spot on though, regarding her leaning on me. I keep on having to make it clear to her that if it isn't about the kids we can't speak. The one great thing is our daughter stays with my 80-90% of the time. When she left, she moved out of their school district so my daughter stays with me weekdays and almost every weekend. She has just always been more comfortable and had more of a bond with me and the one good thing about my soon to be ex is that she has never been one to use my child as a weapon. Anyway, point to all that is I leave for work right before the kids have to be to school so I have to see her in the mornings. Usually it's just very brief conversation about where the kids stuff is, what's going on after school etc. I try to keep it that way. She will try to act all friendly and talk about other things and then text me throughout the day about things like we are friends. It's just crazy to me that she doesn't see what she has done or even seem to care in the slightest bit. She acts like we should be buddy buddy and help each other out with things as if she isn't committing adultery and carefree about it all. I just keep asking her to please keep it about the kids and just leave me be. She will say ok but it doesn't last.

October 8, 2019

Where are you in the legal process? You mentioned a lawyer and separation papers, have they been filed?

Afraid my friend this is like one of those extra-strength band-aids - when the time comes, best to just rip it off. I'd focus on getting the divorce in place, you can communicate through text in the meantime. Don't ever be fooled into thinking she's got your interests at heart, she sounds as untrustworthy as they come. Time to put the past behind you and focus on the road ahead. Keep posting...

Mr. Lucky

My separation agreement has been wrote up, still waiting on hers. She stressed how much she couldn't wait to get divorced after she left but is delaying it as much as humanly possible. I have everything on my end ready to go.

Yes, text communication has been my way lately and at a minimum to things of importance only. After what she has just done to me I know 10000% sure she has only her interest at heart and could care less about me. She is very good at manipulating me into believing how much she loves and cares about me but her actions let me know otherwise. I just feel so confused and angry. Like did our marriage mean nothing to her? Did our vows mean anything? I am just in such a dark awful place currently. My daughter being with my the majority of the time is the only thing that keeps my sanity.

October 8, 2019

I just feel so confused and angry. Like did our marriage mean nothing to her? Did our vows mean anything?

If you'd ask her now, she'd say "No, it didn't". Obviously, back then she told a different story.

All that stuff is in the rear view mirror and you should give up on easy explanations or the idea of closure. With a child, you have a significant pole you can plant as a foundation moving forward. As those of us who've been through this will tell you, this too will pass...

Mr. Lucky

October 8, 2019

I would urge you into counseling to find out why you were willing to be treated this way. I'm not sure a new relationship will solve your problem. You may be choosing to be with the wrong person because of your own issues.

I think the healthiest thing you could do right now is be angry.

I am def looking into counseling. You are correct, my lesson should have been learned long ago after the first cheating episode I don't know why I allowed myself to be treated that way. I haven't thought about it like that, but I do know that I am not even close to being ready for a new relationship.

I am very very angry and I also agree that it is healthy to feel that way currently. Angry at myself for being so stupid. I think one of my issues that was the problem and that I need to talk about in counseling is my self esteem and self worth. I have never had issues getting women or anything but I'm also not Brad Pitt either. I just feel that I've had one failed relationship that I have a 12yr old son from, I'm aging and beginning to lose my hair which is affecting my self esteem. I also feel like if I have two failed relationships with two children from two dif women that no other decent woman is going to want to be with a man like that which is the other part. I understand some of my issues but I absolutely think there is more to it as well because I've never been some beta male that just gets pushed around by women so I'm angry that I've allowed this to happen twice and wasted so many years of my life to a woman who never really loved me.

October 16, 2019

It appears she is going to make this more difficult than I originally thought. She was the one who left/separated and asked for the divorce. I gave her what she wanted and began the process but she is stalling. We have a very simple marriage so I wanted to do a no fault divorce that didn't include tons of lawyer fees. We never merged finances, she left and has no desire to have any part of selling the home we lived in or getting money from me. I actually have our children more than she does so child support isn't something she is worried about either. It's honestly a very simple divorce. My settlement agreement basically laid out sharing 50/50 of kids with neither party seeking support. Holidays would trade off as would birthdays, no finances to go over and that we have been separated long enough by state law to move forward with divorce. It had more but those are some of the main points. I presented her with the agreement she agreed to it no problem and said that she has hers drafted but has said that for weeks. If she is in such a hurry to get another man and move on with her life why is she taking her sweet time? I just want to get this filed and get this divorce finalized as quick and easy as possible.

October 16, 2019

why is she taking her sweet time?

There was a time when the two of you lived together, jointly raised kids and slept in the same bed - and, no fault of your own, you couldn't get along then with those ties binding you.

So why do you think there'll be cooperation now?

staygrateful, she's going to do what she's going to do. Focus on that which is under your control - your kids, your health and your sanity. Exercise, get plenty of rest and stay busy with family, job and friends.

This too will pass...

Mr. Lucky

October 16, 2019

I just want to get this filed and get this divorce finalized as quick and easy as possible.

Find out what the delay is and what it would take for her to move quicker. If the price is not too high, consider paying it. I will leave it up to you as to whether it is worth it or not.

October 17, 2019

There was a time when the two of you lived together, jointly raised kids and slept in the same bed - and, no fault of your own, you couldn't get along then with those ties binding you.

So why do you think there'll be cooperation now?

staygrateful, she's going to do what she's going to do. Focus on that which is under your control - your kids, your health and your sanity. Exercise, get plenty of rest and stay busy with family, job and friends.

This too will pass...

Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky I get it trust me, things are becoming clearer day by day. I am starting to handle this much better. What I meant by my comment was is this going to be delayed out forever? Am I going to be waiting a year or more to get this over with? I have after school programs I do with one of my children and tonight I found someone who looked around my age that I was very strongly attracted to. I'm no dummy and can read women pretty well. I could tell by her body motions she kept trying to focus in my direction while pretending to play on the phone. We then had an opportunity that arose which made a small conversation possible to break the ice. She is so gorgeous and luckily I will be seeing her on a weekly basis as her child is in my childs event. I do believe I saw a ring on her finger however but I've noticed her for there for a few weeks now and now hubby/fiance is ever around so who knows maybe she is going through what I am and fate is working it's way around in my favor. Maybe not, point being I don't want to get lucky like that and start dating and end up having to say I'm married and waiting on a divorce that is on going and never ending. That's all I meant.

October 17, 2019

Find out what the delay is and what it would take for her to move quicker. If the price is not too high, consider paying it. I will leave it up to you as to whether it is worth it or not.

I asked almost a week ago and it was some excuse about not having a printer to get the documents printed out and asked if she could email me the agreement and I print it out for her and basically be her bitch boy. Um sorry but not my responsibility. At this point I am strictly NC. If she doesn't get the ball rolling soon I will have to unfortunately have to come up with lawyer money at the worst possible time of the year to get this over with. I had mine done in a matter of days with all necessary paper work also printed out to file after so there is no excuse.

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