findingnemo Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 (edited) Thanks, everyone. Oh dear... I think I f’d up again. The guilt was eating me up so I wrote to him Hey. I’m sorry for freaking out on you last night. I love you and you’re a incredible guy. I shouldn’t have put my insecurities onto you like that. I hope you can forgive me. If you can’t, I respect that too. But I’m sorry. Being in an academic program is not really a reason to not get into a relationship. Love has a knack for bad timing. You just have to pace yourself. He seems to understand your needs right now. My only worry is the recreational drug thing. Normally a much older partner should be a stabilising factor in your life. A partner who does drugs and parties a lot is not a good idea right now. Not even if he was your age. Is it the fun part that is giving you second thoughts? Do you feel like it will affect your studies negatively? If so, say so. And yes, end it. Follow your gut. Edited October 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3
Highndry Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 If a woman told me what you did, I would move on because I'd feel like she wasn't serious. 1
MsJayne Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 Not really on the question at hand, but seriously, if I was 28 and looked like you I wouldn't be dating a 50 year old. Another ten years and he'll be getting sized up for his bowling shoes, and not far after that his Zimmer frame. I don't care if he's a silver fox, hot, rich, a great guy....ultimately there's no future unless you're that super-super-rare age diff couple who happen to make the distance. 1
TheFinalWord Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 The age difference is only an issue if the two people are immature. Otherwise, I think it's one of those things, like mixed race couple, where if it bothers you in and of itself, it's because you worry more what other people think, as opposed to being glad to have found a compatible partner. With that said, for a guy that is almost 50, there is no way he is in love with you and he is acting immature IMHO. So to me, the age matters here. He is infatuated and you are insecure. Not a good combo. Your intuition is already going off and while I don't always think intuition is right, in this case I think it is. Now, he's not going to tell you he wants to see other women because in his mind, that is going to finalize the break up and he won't be able to guilt you into sticking around. 1
TheFinalWord Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 (edited) Not really on the question at hand, but seriously, if I was 28 and looked like you I wouldn't be dating a 50 year old. Another ten years and he'll be getting sized up for his bowling shoes, and not far after that his Zimmer frame. I don't care if he's a silver fox, hot, rich, a great guy....ultimately there's no future unless you're that super-super-rare age diff couple who happen to make the distance. Believe it or not, super beautiful women are usually very insecure. When a secure guy shows up, they are like putty in his hands. Age differences and other social conventions, go right out the window. You'd think the same thing with women that fall in love with inmates, guys they know are players, and the whole "bad boy" thing. If you push a woman's attraction triggers, all of those factors you think should matter, objectively, go out the window. Sometimes, women catch themselves and if they know themselves will say "hey wait, this isn't a good guy for me, I have a pattern of falling for this type of guy." Cookies recognizes this about herself, and that's a good thing! But for some women, even when they recognize this, their attraction for wrong guys, or a bad boy that swept them off their feet, can hold them for years sometimes and even if they get with a guy that on paper is a better match, they will still secretly long for the wrong guy. Edited October 8, 2019 by TheFinalWord 1
Juha Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 Not really on the question at hand, but seriously, if I was 28 and looked like you I wouldn't be dating a 50 year old. . Where is the picture? Don't see one.... lol 1
Highndry Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 Where is the picture? Don't see one.... lol It was up yesterday. She's a strikingly beautiful woman.
Interstellar Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 (edited) Well, he’s into you and he lowered your interest so you’re not that into him anymore. There’s a thing about guys not listening when women talk. You’re just gonna have to tell it to him face to face that it’s not working for you period. Don’t sugarcoat it. Don’t try to soften the blow by giving him some false hope, like some women do ie. “well in the future maybe we’ll find each other in some distant far off land”. Be polite but tact. it’s gonna be hard but better to cut him loose. It’s not the very first time this guy will get rejected. Edited October 9, 2019 by Interstellar
MsJayne Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Believe it or not, super beautiful women are usually very insecure. When a secure guy shows up, they are like putty in his hands. Age differences and other social conventions, go right out the window. You'd think the same thing with women that fall in love with inmates, guys they know are players, and the whole "bad boy" thing. If you push a woman's attraction triggers, all of those factors you think should matter, objectively, go out the window. Sometimes, women catch themselves and if they know themselves will say "hey wait, this isn't a good guy for me, I have a pattern of falling for this type of guy." Cookies recognizes this about herself, and that's a good thing! But for some women, even when they recognize this, their attraction for wrong guys, or a bad boy that swept them off their feet, can hold them for years sometimes and even if they get with a guy that on paper is a better match, they will still secretly long for the wrong guy. I'm hearin' ya. I wouldn't put myself in the "super beautiful" category, but I was always one of those women that would go for the wrong guy while the right guy watched on shaking his head. Often would go for older guys too, because I had an empty relationship with my father so was always subconsciously looking for someone to fill that role. I don't care what anyone says, when a young woman goes for an older guy there's always something of the father-figure trip going on - the provider, the protector, etc, and for the older guy it's about the ego and his inability to accept his lesser social role as an older dude. Never worse than when a middle-aged guy dumps his wife of 20 years and abandons his family to run off with a younger woman.
TheFinalWord Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 (edited) I don't care what anyone says, when a young woman goes for an older guy there's always something of the father-figure trip going on - the provider, the protector, etc, and for the older guy it's about the ego and his inability to accept his lesser social role as an older dude. Never worse than when a middle-aged guy dumps his wife of 20 years and abandons his family to run off with a younger woman. That can be the case. But I know two married couples, one with 10 years and one with 20 years age difference, that have incredible relationships. They fell in love and like the one couple told me, they can't help their age. While there can be issues going on, I think maturity and self-awareness matters a lot. The issues arise when one or both people are seeking to fulfill unmet psychological needs in the other person. Age can exacerbate the traditional, biological attraction mechanisms, i.e. youthful women are more physically attractive; older men are more successful and good providers. While these traditional attraction features are more pronounced with significant age gaps, just like in relationships where the two people are closer in age, those traditional attraction roles can only take you so far. If that's all the relationship is based on, it will fall apart, just like in any other relationship where people get with someone for the wrong reasons. In this case, I don't think the man is mature because he would know you can't legitimately fall in love in 1 month. He's just lusting for her. Like the guy that runs off with his younger secretary. Edited October 10, 2019 by TheFinalWord
elaine567 Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 That can be the case. But I know two married couples, one with 10 years and one with 20 years age difference, that have incredible relationships. OK but that doesn't mean that their "issues" that MsJayne brought up did not bring them together or that their "issues" do not keep them together...
chillii Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 (edited) I'm hearin' ya. I wouldn't put myself in the "super beautiful" category, but I was always one of those women that would go for the wrong guy while the right guy watched on shaking his head. Often would go for older guys too, because I had an empty relationship with my father so was always subconsciously looking for someone to fill that role. I don't care what anyone says, when a young woman goes for an older guy there's always something of the father-figure trip going on - the provider, the protector, etc, and for the older guy it's about the ego and his inability to accept his lesser social role as an older dude. Never worse than when a middle-aged guy dumps his wife of 20 years and abandons his family to run off with a younger woman. What a load of rubbish. l get younger women interested in me all the time and l'll guarantee ya it's not that bs they're thinking about. Besides if it was that would mean when younger guys go for an older woman they're looking for a mummy too, it's all the same thing. And as far as what he's thinking about , ahhh, what are older women thinking about chasing young guys , same thing too , exactly . And they do all that , all the time too. And then there's the simple side of it that just happens sometimes too, you simply fall for someone younger, even when you weren't after someone younger.. Edited October 12, 2019 by chillii 1
Malin889 Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 It sounds like you are really uncomfortable with him moving too fast. It is too fast to say I love you to each other so soon, way too fast. I wouldn’t feel bad at all, just let things lie.
elaine567 Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 He's 49, she is 28, of course he is going to try to lock her down as fast as he can. His Christmases all came at once... Any update?
Malin889 Posted October 12, 2019 Posted October 12, 2019 Now that I’ve read more of the thread— I would end this because of the drugs... forget about everything else! Why the hesitation? Just tell him it’s over and concentrate on your degree. 1
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