Miss Spider Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 Hi. I’ve been dating this guy a little over a month, but we’ve already told each other we love each other and have spent a lot of time together.. He’s an acquaintance of my ex bf and there was some drama there. I explained to him last on the phone how I feel insecure about our relationship. I’m in a challenging academic program that that takes up a lot of my time and mental energy so I don’t feel like I can give 100% and that makes me worry. I told him because school is my priority now he deserves better and I think he can find someone and I don’t want to keep him from that, so maybe we can step the relationship back. The relationship has just been stressing me even though I love him. I also explained to him I’m worried about our age difference and him meeting my parents. He told me a bunch of sweet stuff like how he loves me with all his heart, I make him happier than he’s been in probably 20 years, and how he thinks I’m the most amazing girl he’s ever met. I told him I feel the same about him but it would make me feel better if we just get a little more lax with the relationship and step the commitment back on his side. I told him there’s no one else for me but he could have the option to see others. I don’t know if he thought I was bluffing, but he refused. He said we can talk about it later but he doesn’t want to open the relationship and has no interest in seeing others. I said I don’t understand why if it will make me feel more secure about things and he doesn’t have to actually do it, but the option can be there. He told me to just get some rest since we had a long weekend and text him tomorrow if I want him to hang out with me and my friends. He wrote me a sweet message last night, but now I feel like an ass. I don’t think we’re broken up but I feel like there was no resolution and that he might even be a little pissed at me. Can anyone offer any advice or opinion on this?
GoreSP Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 ok so #toughlove you are NOT into this guy as much as you say you are. If you were, you would find a way to make the relationship work. My guess is you probably feel bad because you feel like you have no reason to not like him, he is probably a very sweet dude, but the connection is just not there for you. and it's alright. There is just no point in playing the «it's not you, it's me, you deserve better» game. You are giving him false hope and he is obviously not accepting those excuses. Cut him loose, let him move on and you can concentrate on your studies. 1
preraph Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 You need to stop lying to him about you're still all into him, because you're not. You know he's not the right guy, so you need to just tell him you think he's nice but it's not working for you and that you are breaking up. Get it over with. 3
Author Miss Spider Posted October 7, 2019 Author Posted October 7, 2019 I feel like I do love this man, you guys. Or at least really, really like him. I think I messed everything up again. This is a pattern for me. I begin to date a guy then I feel too insecure that I can’t be everything the person needs and I’m going to end up getting hurt with no one to blame but myself. I know I should stop dating if I end up feeling this way every time. It really hurts because I do care about him and want to be with him. He probably thinks I’m a bit crazy now. I don’t know what to do
fromheart Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 Just relax a little and have fun. Very early days. 1
Juha Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 If that was me and a woman told me what you you did, I would think she did not really like me and was letting me down easy because she did not have the courage to tell me she really does not like me. I would not be surprised if he steps back all the way out of any type of relationship with you. It is obvious he is really into you, likes you a lot, and wants a real relationship with you. Anytime a woman has wanted to step back the relationship I basically was done with them if I was interested in a real relationship. Women who are into you and like/love you do not push you away if they really have feelings for you and want a real relationship... 5
preraph Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 He'll probably start hitting on your young friends now. You do sound like you truly don't know what you want, so maybe you do need to take a break and maybe get some counseling and find out what is making you pull back over and over. 1
Author Miss Spider Posted October 7, 2019 Author Posted October 7, 2019 I want to, fromheart. But we’re a couple. He admitted it was quick to say I love you but he felt it and so I said it as well because I’m very fond of him too. However, I told him it would make me feel a lot less stressed if we could just tone the relationship down and be a little more lax on the commitment. He said that if I need to spend more time with school that’s fine, but I don’t want to have a serious relationship if I’m going to be half assed about it. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. It’s not his fault. I just want him to understand that,
smackie9 Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 It's not love it's infatuation. You can't possibly know this person in one month of dating. Ya it's all exciting shiny and new, but that will wear off eventually. What to do? if there is a real issue bring it up then, don't create one before it happens. Just relax and work around things as the come up. The more you sweat the small stuff, the more you sabotage what you have, and that my dear is a slippery slope. 3
olivetree Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 Cookies! Long time no see. You do have a pattern but it sounds like you've made some progress and are taking more risks in getting close. I think you need to have the experience of getting through the initial stages of a relationship to where things deepen and get more real. If you can get to the comfy, deep commitment stage, then you will see that you really can be accepted exactly as you are. It's like anything else you succeed at - like school - when you do well at something you thought was super hard, you're like "hey, I CAN do that". So I think you can manage to get past the scary initial phase by communicating your feelings, and going at a pace you feel comfortable with. Would you actually feel okay if he was dating others? What's the age difference? 2
kendahke Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 I told him he could have the option to see others. This is where you messed up. This clearly expresses that you're not as into them as they are into you. Anytime anyone offers you up to dating others, it means they're not that interested in you. Had you not said this (it's a craw-sticker), things may not have become weird feeling for you. Perhaps you love the distraction provided by spending time around him more than you love him... 2
Author Miss Spider Posted October 7, 2019 Author Posted October 7, 2019 Hi! I’ve missed you guys. Thanks. I don’t feel like I’ve made much progress. I feel still stuck in the mud. I am 28 and he is 49. Yeah. It’s the biggest age difference I’ve experienced but I thought he was much younger. I think deep down it would bother me if we were saying and he was seeing others, but not as much as if he was exclusive with me and wanted to date others, but felt too guilty for it so he had to hide it, possibly until the resentment and temptation built up so much that he dumps me for not doing enough or spending enough time with him... He also parties quite a bit and does recreational drugs. (He has a felony for cocaine possession) But I have a lot of fun with him. This is sounding worse and worse, I know. It always gets to a point with me where the stress of maintaining a relationship outweighs the benefits. I do really like him, but Kendahke, you have a point. If I could wave a magic wand and make him, the relationship, and all the damage I’ve done go away would I be more relieved than hurt? Probably
Author Miss Spider Posted October 7, 2019 Author Posted October 7, 2019 I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t think we’re broken up, because he asked me last night and I said we’re not. He said he doesn’t want to coerce me, but convince me, but I need to sleep on it and text him. His last text was “Sleep tight, babe I love you with all of my heart…you make me unbelievably happy. You’re amazing…I want you to please believe it. “ but he hasn’t texted me today at all.. so I’m like .. wut now ?
d0nnivain Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 Can anyone offer any advice or opinion on this? Just take that step back that you wanted. Stop talking about it. Don't discuss your relationship. Stop projecting into the future. Worry about the here & now. Take the time you need to study but when you are with him, albeit fewer times in any given week, be 100% present then & there. He's a grown man. He doesn't need 24/7 handholding or text messages. I think the conviction & the continued recreational drug use are much more serious indicators that he's not a quality long term partner. Stop trying to make this into the love of your life. If you have fun with him, great. Continue to have fun. That doesn't mean you have to marry within the next month. Just enjoy & don't worry about the future. Be in the moment. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 Love after a month? You two barely know each other, Cookies. You need to listen to your gut on this. It's screaming at you that this all way too much, way too soon, and you feel suffocated. This has nothing to do with being insecure, and everything to do with not being into him. You would not be telling him to date other people if you were actually interested in him. Be honest with yourself. And then be honest with him that you don't want to continue the relationship. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 but he hasn’t texted me today at all.. so I’m like .. wut now ? What do you mean 'what now?' He's giving you what you asked for. If you want to see him pick a date when you are free for a few hours later this week. Text him & set up that date. Stop making this so hard. 3
Redhead14 Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 Cookies, it way too soon to be declaring "love" for each other. You barely know each other. You love the "vision/dream" you have for him and who you hope he is, etc. That's why your gut is screaming. Your mind and your heart and gut don't match up. And, you said you wanted to step back a little from each other, he heard you and is making the effort to accommodate your wishes. So either you want to slow things down or you don't. You're not being fair to this guy. Get a grip and get focused on your priorities - which right now appears to be academics. So, tell this guy you're moving on because he's clearly more attached than your willing to entertain and don't date for a while. Then when you're ready again, date guys who are only interested in casual relationships and don't let yourself get invested. 2
Author Miss Spider Posted October 7, 2019 Author Posted October 7, 2019 Thanks, everyone. Oh dear... I think I f’d up again. The guilt was eating me up so I wrote to him Hey. I’m sorry for freaking out on you last night. I love you and you’re a incredible guy. I shouldn’t have put my insecurities onto you like that. I hope you can forgive me. If you can’t, I respect that too. But I’m sorry. He wrote back : It’s ok. I will be here for you whenever you need to talk and no subject is taboo. Everyone has insecurities; I would like to assist you in any way possible to work through yours. You’re incredible and you need to realize this. Sharing yourself with someone can be scary but you don’t need to be scared with me. I am having the time of my life with you and am so very happy you are part of my life. I love you and yes I forgive you. —————- Yea I feel like I’m prolonging this and it’s not gonna end well at all. I’m such a f up
d0nnivain Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 You are not a f'up but you are decidedly unclear which is unfair. Do you want to take a step back or do you want to ratchet this up? Until you figure that out & behave consistently you are jerking this guy around. If you don't stop he's going to walk away just to stop trying to figure out what you want. This hot/cold cat & mouse thing is exhausting. 3
Author Miss Spider Posted October 7, 2019 Author Posted October 7, 2019 You are not a f'up but you are decidedly unclear which is unfair. Do you want to take a step back or do you want to ratchet this up? Until you figure that out & behave consistently you are jerking this guy around. If you don't stop he's going to walk away just to stop trying to figure out what you want. This hot/cold cat & mouse thing is exhausting. I hear you. I want to step back and I asked point blank last night to open the relationship on his end but he refused, so what I want really doesn’t matter at this point. I did what you suggested and asked if he’d like to meet later in the week( we’ve been seeing each other every night) We’ll see how it goes, but my guess is it’s not gonna work.
d0nnivain Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 I think the idea of an open relationship was a bit of cold water for him. It is possible to date somebody exclusively but not see them every day. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 This sounds pretty typical for a 20-something woman dating an almost 50-year-old guy. He wants to lock it down and you're "not sure". Given the age disparity and his disposition, he'll probably put up with almost anything from you, so you don't have much to worry about. 5
ajequals Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 I agree with other posters ,there's no way you can be in love after a month...being he's older ,I think he sees you as arm candy and will say anything to keep it. saying you in love has endeared you to him ...when you think about it what do you have in common? 1
Flame Aura Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 Is that you in your avatar? If so then he knows he has hit the jackpot as a 49yo and will do whatever he can to keep you with him. From everything you have posted, you do not love him, and do not want to be with him long term, and are afraid of ending things and are looking for the easy way out of 'stepping back' the relationship. There's no such thing as stepping back. Either you are in the relationship or you are not. You don't want to be so just tell him the truth. 1
scooby-philly Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 Is that you in your avatar? If so then he knows he has hit the jackpot as a 49yo and will do whatever he can to keep you with him. From everything you have posted, you do not love him, and do not want to be with him long term, and are afraid of ending things and are looking for the easy way out of 'stepping back' the relationship. There's no such thing as stepping back. Either you are in the relationship or you are not. You don't want to be so just tell him the truth. Hey OP We were trading some comments back and forth on another thread today. Look, my last ex was younger than me - not as much as the age separation between you and him - but as FlameAura said - you need to decide what to do. If you do still want to be with him but need space then have a grown ass conversation with him and come up with a cadence of what works for you. And look - guys aren't necessarily into younger women just because of the sex or their bodies. And he may have love bombed you a bit but he could be genuine about his feelings but if you want to dial it back - then dial it back and if he agrees then that says a lot about him and his love for you. But to other's point - you need to stop sending mixed signals and never say "you can see other people if you want". I realize now with my last relationship she said over and over some things that I can now say were probably her ways of saying she wanted to move on and I didn't get the hint - but it's a shame because I'm the only person she ever opened up to and I loved her the way she was, not the way she pretended to be for others. 2
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