totallyconfused Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 Ok so I have tried dating this guy for about 2 months now in a 5hour LDR. He's moved things very fast. In 3 weeks (where we hadnt even kissed), he wanted to define things. In 6 weeks, he tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me forever. How old is he? He's 26!! Now granted, I do really like him, but its all just so fast. I literally just got out of a 4 year relationship and jumped into this 2 month one with only 1 month breathing space (I know my bad, I thought who knows?) I told him that it was too fast for me, but I still wanted to see him. But instead of accepting it he said he would back off completely then. So afraid to lose my chance, I said I'd try a relationship with him then. The first month and a half we got into a huge fight, b/c he found out I was still talking to my ex more than I told him. I don't think it was really his business how often I talked to my x esp since we had only been together for less than a month. Yet he still thinks that I wronged him badly - which I did technically, and have tried many many ways by showing him how sorry I was and even flew down to see him. Now 3 weeks after the apology, I found out more about his personality. He's extremely spoiled from his parents and selfish in many ways. I still like alot about him, but I'm unsure from where to go. I have truly tried to work things out with him, I flew down immed. after that fight (spent $125 on a one way tix) and then drove 5 hours (one-way) to see him the following weekend just to spend time with him. For example of a selfish action - Later on I found out that he has flight benefits for free from his dad, so he could fly for free near me. I'd just have to pick him an hour away! He told me that it would be a waste of 2 hours - 1 hr to fly then 1 hour to drive. It was such a rude and selfish thing to say, and then he tried saying oh he doesnt like using those benefits b/c its stand-by and then saying he's never used them before. Example 2 - He told me on my drive up to see him, he'd fix some things on my car. Instead he ends up taking me to get it fix (i paid of course), no offer in gas, nothing, but he did accompany me to get the car fixed. I started to complain about hunger (we didnt eat from 8-4pm!!!) and then he got mad at me b/c how could i complain while he was trying to get my car fixed. i was like your not fixing it, we took it to get fixed Example 3 - He also says that by his family and him to let me stay there that weekend at his family's house, he's doing effort in the relationship. I'm like if you drove down to see me, you are welcome to my home ALWAYS no matter what even my friends are, and thats not effort thats just being polite. No matter all the effort I put into the relationship, he got so mad he says he wont come out to see me b/c of the original fight - b/c i had hid the fact that I still talked to my ex from him. I don't see how he can say he loves me and all that if his efforts don't show it? Its like, so easy to just leave the relationship, but something in me makes me want to keep him. He makes my ex (who cheated on me) seem so much more appealing to go back to now! Well rather, I appreciate alot more from my exes now b/c of the selfishness in this one. IDK!!! What should I do?
slubberdegullion Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 Well, some of the soup was spoiled when you misled him about speaking to your ex. But regardless of that, this fella sounds like he's too focused on himself (judging from what's written here... although, of course, his story is probably different). Seems to me like he's a good candidate for the "next*" list. * - cut him loose and move on to the "next" fellow
JoL Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 This guy sounds totally rude and controlling. For him to expect 100% from you but only gives 50% in return is not acceptable. For him to expect you to answer to him when you've only been dating 1 month is crazy! And by constantly bringing up the fight you had is very controlling. I would suggest you lose this guy a.s.a.p as he is NOT going to change his ways.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 This is a huge red flag hon, and you know it. In the beginning of a relationship both partners usually do everything they can to please each other and attend to the others needs. He's not doing that. I spent a large portion of my younger life being married to a man who was selfish. Let me tell you, it isn't any fun. He will never be a partner to you and really, you deserve better. Since he won't come see you- he should be surprised when you dump him. Do that, and move on.
blind_otter Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 when guys suck initially, they will continue to suck. it's some kind of law of nature.
housebaby Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 I don't think you are complaining too much. He sounds like a total jerk/loser. Why is he moving so fast? why is he being over-bearing? why isn't he meeting you half way? why can't you stay at his house? Some guys throw the word "love" around like dirty laundry. Just because someone SAYS they love you doesn't mean they actually do...it could be part of the control...you think he loves you, and that way you are under his thumb. A man who loves you will SHOW his love. He sounds completely insecure and very selfish. Get rid of him...you don't need to put in all that effort for him...and I'm sure you will find someone better. Out of all the a**h***s, there is bound to be a few good ones.
Cecelius Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 He's right about talking to the ex, but he's a dope for moving into a formal relationship that fast after you broke up. He's a complete nerd for saying he loves you -- I can't believe you were still attracted to him after that. THAT was the biggest red flag. Basically, he's high maintenance and weak -- I dunno about "controlling" because I'm not really sure what anyone can do to control another. Definately not relationship material.
tanbark813 Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 How long ago did his last relationship end? And how long did it last?
Author totallyconfused Posted September 30, 2005 Author Posted September 30, 2005 thats the thing... his last relationship lasted for 6 months (he dumped her), and the one before that lasted for 4 years, off 1 year, then back on for another year (mutual end). the thing is... he never ever went down on any of the exgirlfriends! he'd never gone down on a girl until he met me! how ridiculously selfish is that? i told him that too, i'm like you need to give in order to recieve. so i know it was a big step for him to do that to me, but its like, honey this is the normal thing to do in a relationship. i guess since he was so spoiled growing up, you can't teach someone how to not be selfish. i've tried showing him selfless acts -like driving up to see him and just doing small g/f things. you cant teach someone to unselfish themselves. why am i still with him? i guess thats my own bad - it is a sign of insecurity of myself for settling for such crap. but then again i do love his personality, well i used to until all this controlling issues arose. i swear he's like a girlfriend, so dang high maintenance. i do wonder if i will ever find someone who is as funny as he can be and who can laugh at my corny jokes. out with the old, in with the new. i guess its time to take the trash out eh?
housebaby Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 out with the old, in with the new. i guess its time to take the trash out eh? Yep. You deserve better! (btw: are you also canadian? *i am*)
Skeered Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 I'd say see ya later alligator..this guy sounds like a complete jerk... move on..
Author totallyconfused Posted September 30, 2005 Author Posted September 30, 2005 I finally did it. I explained to him that if he wants to use the word love, he better show it or try to show it. I explained to him that true love forgives and shows its face in the worst of times. I told him that if I can't tell him what is making me unhappy in our relationship and ask him to put more effort into it, that is called communication. If he can't tell me "I will try to put more effort in this" then its not worth it for me. Because if i take that in w/o ever hearing him say this, than i am settling for less, I'll never be happy, and I will continue complaining. He told me what I wanted was a child for a partner, and I asked him why he had to insult me like that? He kept saying cuz it was true, and I responded back with "Well then maybe thats why I ended up with you! In fact, I didn't just get a child, I got a girlfriend!" and he was pissed at that commment. hahah oh well so finally in the end, he just wouldn't say it, he told me "Go find more". I said OK then and he said good bye and I said goodbye. He usually waits for me to hang up whenever we talk on the phone, he still stayed on, and I usually stay on, but this time I just hung up. THE END. no more selfish boy. thank goodness God showed me the way! Honestly, am I wrong to ask a partner that I want a little more effort? Dang IDK why I gotta question myself. Gotta stay strong on this! NC!
housebaby Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 You should take pride in the fact that you did the right thing. He was a total jerk...if he loved you he wouldn't be able to throw it away so easily. Move on - there are plenty more a**h***s in the world...trying to get to your diamond in the rough is the hard part! You are worth more than what he was - and you deserve better! Stay strong girl!
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