ExpatInItaly Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 (edited) I am going to go against what most others have said as I think you did nothing wrong by going NC. That's exactly what you should have done before, and should do now. I don't think most of us believe she did anything wrong by going No Contact. I don't see where anyone told her she should be in contact with him. She is wrong in thinking that being NC made or broke the chance of reconciliation, though. That wasn't it. It was already over. She is also wrong in blaming her friend for her ex's current feelings towards her. That is also on OP. Furthermore, she admits she'd previously spoken with her ex about hurting herself. She can't be too indignant when a friend confirmed to him that she was in fact okay, but simply implementing No Contact. Does she owe him an explanation? No, she doesn't. But is she justified in getting this angry with her friend for putting his mind at ease? No, I don't believe so. She is mad that her No Contact plan didn't work the way she'd hoped, but that reveals she wasn't doing it for the right reasons to begin with. She lacks accountability for her own part in this, which is why she's still having trouble accepting that it's over. Edited October 8, 2019 by ExpatInItaly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 I shouldn’t of told her anything or got her involved. Clearly she felt your behavior and reasoning were untoward so she told him out of concern for him. I highly doubt she was trying to cause trouble. That part was you. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Her friend with the big friggen mouth sure didn't help. And yeah this is my 1000s post! The friend clearly informed him out of concern because the OP was trying to cause him to unnecessarily worry. The friend was putting his mind at ease because the OP's thinking wasn't in the right place. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 I decided to go no contact again yesterday. Should I tell him I’m doing this and why I’m doing this? Or, should I just continue to do what I am doing. I am confused on why he is reaching out already and saying I don’t care. If he doesn't care then why bother contacting him to say you are going no contact. You are just making excuses to contact him. It's over. Block and delete his number. Let him move on with his life and you move on with yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 The friend clearly informed him out of concern because the OP was trying to cause him to unnecessarily worry. The friend was putting his mind at ease because the OP's thinking wasn't in the right place. She broke confidence… she betrayed her. She had no business getting in the middle of OP and "him"... she was just being a busy body in interfering. Personally I would never speak to her again. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Clearly she felt your behavior and reasoning were untoward so she told him out of concern for him. I highly doubt she was trying to cause trouble. That part was you. She was trying to cause trouble...that what busy bodies do...they get in the middle of situations they don't belong in. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 She was trying to cause trouble...that what busy bodies do...they get in the middle of situations they don't belong in. The OP was trying to illicit certain responses from him by doing certain things to make him worry unnecessarily. Threatening self harming for example then deliberately going silent. The friend clearly didn't feel this was fair so she put his mind at rest. The OP has some issues. She's clingy, needy and constantly complains. She plotted to break up his new relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 He did not know the girl personally before breaking up with me. They worked together but he didn’t start communicating with her until after the breakup. How do you know this for sure? He works with her so clearly knows her well enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 The OP was trying to illicit certain responses from him by doing certain things to make him worry unnecessarily. Threatening self harming for example then deliberately going silent. The friend clearly didn't feel this was fair so she put his mind at rest. The OP has some issues. She's clingy, needy and constantly complains. She plotted to break up his new relationship. Her friend regardless of what she was trying to do betrayed her. She is a fake friend! Her loyalty was not to her but to him. If she was really concerned about her she would have reached out to her OPs family members and not the person who was causing her all of the anguish. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 At the end up the day the OP caused all this drama for a reaction. It's on her. Her friend thought she was doing the right thing Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 At the end up the day the OP caused all this drama for a reaction. It's on her. Her friend thought she was doing the right thing This. What her friend did or didn't do is beside the point, really. OP needs to let go of this guy regardless; he was already gone before this ridiculous No Contact drama even launched. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Your ex tossed you aside for another woman very quickly. As painful as that must be to read, I'm pointing it out because that fact alone makes him unworthy of a second chance. That being said, I don't judge you for how you acted after the break up. It is normal to have all those feelings while you try to process the loss. It is also normal to turn to people you trust to talk to, like a good friend. During a heartbreak it is normal to vent in desperation about how you might try to win them back or get between them and a new love interest. You're not thinking clearly, you're hurt, and you want things back how they were. These are totally normal and valid feelings. A good friend understands that. A good friend has you're back and supports you through it, even if they roll their eyes on the inside at some of the things you might say. It's up to you whether you continue to be friends with someone who shares these private vulnerable moments with your ex. I can only say for myself, I certainly wouldn't. Anyway, my point is that I think that even if you could "win" him back, it would only be temporary and wouldn't be worth it in the long run. His love was fickle, and he has now been with another woman. You deserve better, don't settle. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 I am not going to talk to friends about this again. They just tell my ex everything. Also, it doesn’t benefit me at all. I benefit from talking to more experienced people. I decided to go no contact again yesterday. Should I tell him I’m doing this and why I’m doing this? Or, should I just continue to do what I am doing. I am confused on why he is reaching out already and saying I don’t care. If you threatened self harm he is reaching out because he's a compassionate person who doesn't want to see you dead. That does not mean he wants you back. Since you work with him, I would mention to him that you think it's best if you limit all interactions to ones that are solely professionally necessary. You don't want to disrupt your work. Link to post Share on other sites
Twizzlestick Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 I think people riding you for using no contact for the wrong reasons are being a little unauthentic. It was early doors after you were dumped for goodness sakes. People in great pain will do the most extraordinary things. As side point. NC for the wrong reasons is rather a moral moot point as it doesn’t (or shouldn’t given the context) cause any troubling moral issues for mistreating the dumper, as they’ve by nature discarded you from their life and de facto, silence is inferred and actually the natural course of events. The mechanism or any false intentions behind such a silence are rather by-the-by. What it does is cause further pain for the dumpee, but this then negates the moral aspect. Anyways. Yes, you need better friends. Not tell tale tits. It wasn’t your friend who caused this so don’t blame her for that. But you could do without insiders gabbing to someone who dumped you and placed tremendous pain upon yourself. That’s just friends 101. It’s done. Go NC for the right reasons, to help you heal. Everything you do now is for you, not for him. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 My friend did not have to tell him anything. However, I really should’ve never told my friend anything. That’s on me. He was truly worried about me. I was having thoughts like that. If you keep threatening harm, at some point someone who is a responsible person is going to do the right thing and call the police. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 There isn’t anything more that you can do. Once trust is lost, it’s over. And even in the event that you did reconcile, it wouldn’t ever be the same. He’d always distrust you. That’s something that’s easily won back if it’s even possible. Just let him go and continue to work on yourself. That’s all you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
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