Girl Pulled Away Due to Stress

[BatmansBff]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am looking for some advice on how I should proceed in a situation with a girl that has pulled away from me due to stress.

I am aware of how these situations are often perceived but I would appreciate if those who are just going to jump to "She doesnt care, move on" would please just hold their mouthes as i've been in those situations on both ends and it doesn't feel right here.

 

Ill keep this in point form because i'm prone to dragging things out unnecessarily otherwise. If you would like some more details please ask.

We are both mid 20's university students. I don't have a heavy workload right now but she does.

 

• We had been dating for a little bit more than 3 months.
  
• We had plenty of sleep overs and many nights spent cuddling on the couch and enjoying eachothers company. There where sexual aspects but plenty of nights we just did activities together and had fun. Puzzles, painting, baking, movies, etc.
  
• She was always very affectionate and our nights spent together generally ended with her falling asleep with her arm around me and her head on her chest. including the last night that we spent together, where she spent the night without pants even (im just trying to show how comfortable she was at this point)
  
• We did multiple day trips where we went for walks and nature hikes, she regularly mentioned how much she enjoyed these days.
  
• School came back around and she was starting to get very stressed.
  
• She is in a very work intensive medical related program.
  
• We were no longer spending as much time together due to school work, she had to cancel plans sometimes because of assignments and I know this made her feel like she wasnt contributing as much to our relationship as I wanted (I REGULARLY ASSURED HER IT WAS OKAY)
  
• The times that she was available were just like they usually were^^^ and we both had a blast, she wasn't pulling back at all.
  
• School continued and she was getting more stressed and I could tell that she was starting to get stressed with trying to balance our fresh relationship with her main priority (school)
  
• Final Week On Wednesday we had a conversation about her stress etc, it was very mature and we discussed if she still wanted to see me, not in a weird way if that makes sense? more in a "I want to see you succeed and not get in the way" way. At this point she told me and I qoute "no, I definitely DO want to keep spending time with you" at this time we made plans to spend Friday evening together. There is nothing but happiness and affection between us still.
  

 

now we get to her pulling away/ breaking up with me?

 

Friday, 2 days after that conversation^^

• Friday morning she sends me a cryptic text about how she has an assignment that she needs too finish/submit so she cant hang out anymore, then she says that she thinks its better if we quit hanging out all together.
  
• obviously i'm caught off guard at this point.
  
• We text back and forth about it and the summarization is this "I cant give you the commitment you want, and I really just need to take this time to focus on my school"
  
• I pour my heart out which was obviously a mistake, but it was basically just a summarization of things she knew already as we were very open about our feelings throughout the time we were together.
  
• We text a bit more but she isnt budging, she stays closed off.
  
• I tell her that I understand and that I will give her the space she needs and wont bug her any further.
  
• She responds to the last message I sent, but I cant remember the exact content(ive deleted texts since), I dont message back as doing so would just be dragging it out.
  
• 2-3 Hours later she double texts me with "I dont want you to think your messages are unwelcome", obviously im super confused at this point.
  
• We havent seen eachother and never met to talk in person about this (she didnt think it would be good for us to meet)
  

 

Since our main discussions about the situation we havent texted, but we have continued to interact through instagram abit, no real conversations though.

 

Now to finish this long post off;

• She has never said that she doesnt want to be with me. She never once showed any hostility or negativity during our talks, just seemed closed off.
  
• She continues to be engaged and appreciate our more limited interactions through instagram.
  
• She is doing mid-term exams right now so I havent reached out or tried to get her to hang out.
  

 

I care about this girl a lot, and I know she cares about me too.

From our interactions (maybe Im delusional) but I feel like she has convinced herself that I cant be happy with her because she cant spend alot of time with me. This isnt true but I know I cant make her understand this without seeing eachother again.

 

Do I go NC? Do I continue interacting with her through IG? She loves fall and we had lots of fall plans before this all, should I wait acouple weeks and see if she wants to go for a short fall walk?

 

I feel lost and hurt. Any advice is appreciated, thank you:D

[Flame Aura]

You have been dating 3 months... why have you not asked her to be your girlfriend at all during this time if you like her so much?

 

 

Have you actually had sex yet?

[smackie9]

TBH she doesn't have the time for a proper relationship, so you either accept where things are at and follow this set pace of interaction, or take a full break and date other people.

[BatmansBff]

You have been dating 3 months... why have you not asked her to be your girlfriend at all during this time if you like her so much?

 

 

Have you actually had sex yet?

 

When we started to talk about becoming official was during school, and it seemed to only add to the stress so I never pushed it. We had already agreed to be exclusive before this point in time. I wasn’t concerned with labels and didn’t want to stress her out more.

 

And yes we had sex.

[BatmansBff]

TBH she doesn't have the time for a proper relationship, so you either accept where things are at and follow this set pace of interaction, or take a full break and date other people.

 

Thanks for the reply. I understand that, and the thing is that this is the last year of school for each of us. I was in a long distance relationship(wasn’t always LD) last year so I’m okay with her only being able to see me sporadically.

 

Like I said I feel like she’s pulling back because she thinks I expect some huge commitment from her, which I don’t.

 

I just don’t know how to handle it at this point because she has said she doesn’t think it’s good for us to hangout and I dont know how to make her understand that I’m here to support her without seeing each other in person again.

[LauraXX]

I'd do the NC thing if I were you. Breaking up because of a heavy workload doesn't make sense to me. It just doesn't sound right. I can only speak about my personal experience and I've had extremely stressful times in university and in the several jobs I had since then and that never affected the way I felt about the person I was seeing at that time.

 

 

 

The way you describe your relationship with that woman sounds a bit ... boring to be honest? You're in your mid-20s and when you describe what you did together you mention baking, painting and puzzles... Which is of course totally fine and really cute if that's what you're both into, but when I think about the relationships I had in my 20s we usually had other things on our mind in the first three months

 

 

 

My guess would be that she wants to be friends with you and keep you as an option for those activities in the future. But she doesn't want a relationship because she's probably not ready for that level of domestication. But that's of course just an educated guess!

 

 

 

If that should actually be the case, the only thing you can do is to change her perception of you. And that's extremely difficult (if not impossible). So yup, go no contact, live your best life, show her what she's missing. And if you can't resist and call her again (you shouldn't!), I'd suggest something a bit more exciting than a cozy fall walk.

[BatmansBff]

Thank you for the reply! I can understand how it seems boring when you put it that way. We did plenty of fooling around, I just mentioned those things because I wanted to emphasize that we enjoyed doing things together that weren’t just sexual.

 

Walks weren’t always just ‘cozy walks’ either, they included skinny dipping, catching snakes, rock climbing, etc.

 

If that makes any difference?

Edited October 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

Sounds a lot like my recent ex-gf. Can I ask - Concordia New York?

 

And yes, it's okay to feel confused and hurt on this one. But the reality is there will always be stress in life. If she can't handle things now then what will happen in the future? Unless you establish ground rules you're okay with I would state your feelings and draw a line in the sand. And to be honest, a lot of people use "stress" as a way to get out of a relationship they feel bored about or to avoid having a real deep conversation about feelings. She could be just afraid of commitment and being hurt so she's pulling away while she has a very convenient excuse.

[BatmansBff]

Hey! Thanks for the reply! And nope we’re not in the states. I honestly feel like your last sentence hits the situation right on the head. I just don’t know how to get through to her without making things worse or pushing her away, any insight or ideas? give her space for awhile? or should I just try and make one last ditch effort before accepting it and moving on?

Edited October 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[schlumpy]

She asks for a break so she can spend all her time on her studies.

 

That's a sacrifice on your part so I would expect a date to go along with the break. Is it for 2, 4, 6, 8 weeks or is it indefinite?

 

Without a date where the exile ends I don't see how you can have the type of relationship you are looking for.

 

Is she asking you to wait for her?

 

Your choice is to either accept the conditions she has presented and wait until she decides to come back. She seems to be in control.

 

Or you can decline to take her word for it and try to find out what is really going on. What you discover may make your decision to stay or go much easier.

[BatmansBff]

Thanks for the reply. Right now it seems indefinite, but our interactions just give off the vibe that she isn’t confident in the decision if that makes sense. I know she doesn’t want to meet and talk because it’d be too difficult to stone wall me in person. I just don’t know what steps to take. I would honestly prefer to at least get the clear “I’m not into you” or whatever, but she hasn’t given me anything like that, just repeated the “I need to focus on my studies and can’t give you the commitment that you deserve” bs.

Edited October 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[preraph]

Medical students are overwhelmed with work and do NOT have time for play. Same way in their residencies. It's a long lonely grueling road that ought to be illegal to work someone that way.

 

I just think she has to do her school and doesn't have time. Don't do anything to close the door, but if you feel like dating others, do so discreetly. She may come knocking on spring break or something. Honestly, medical school is just too much.

[schlumpy]

just repeated the “I need to focus on my studies and can’t give you the commitment that you deserve” bs.

 

Yeah. It does leave you in limbo or on the back burner.

[BatmansBff]

Medical students are overwhelmed with work and do NOT have time for play. Same way in their residencies. It's a long lonely grueling road that ought to be illegal to work someone that way.

 

I just think she has to do her school and doesn't have time. Don't do anything to close the door, but if you feel like dating others, do so discreetly. She may come knocking on spring break or something. Honestly, medical school is just too much.

 

Hey thanks for the reply. I think you get it. I just feel like she left it so uncertain you know? Like I know she genuinely enjoyed being with me, but just can’t cope and our relationship was so fresh that she thought it was easier to cut things off.

 

From our conversations I know she thinks I’m expecting to take up all her time, but the way the conversations go it’s like she is repeating this to herself to help justify it in her own mind.

[BatmansBff]

Yeah. It does leave you in limbo or on the back burner.

 

:/ yup. That’s why I think I might make like one last push. See if she wants to meet. Tell her that I understand that she’s stressed to the brim but I want to talk and make it work in a way that she’s happy with. Just to try and get a clear “I do want to Ben with you” or “I don’t want to”, at least I won’t be in limbo.

[TheFinalWord]

I would advise NC.

 

Think about what you are saying, you think she is breaking up with you because she doesn't feel she can give you the time you need. But instead of having an adult conversation about your actual needs with you, in person, and letting you describe what your needs are, she dumps you. Does that story make sense? It doesn't to me.

 

Instead of talking with you like an adult and having a conversation about boundaries that INCLUDES you, she instead makes a unilateral decision to end things.

 

You should not chase a woman like this, because she does not communicate well. What caused her to lose attraction? Who knows. She may have felt things were going too fast and maybe you were needier than you think. I can't tell from this. Pouring out your feelings was a mistake, because she knows that things are progressing towards a relationship and she may just not want that with you. It's hard to hear I know. But women operate emotionally and a tell tale sign that they are losing interest, is they try to make it sound like it's your fault. Instead of saying she has lost interest, which would make her the bad guy, it's because she can't give you what you need. Now it's your fault. See how that works? Instead of talking with you, she blames you, and dumps you. Poor communication skills at best, a convenient way to reject you because she met someone else, at worse.

 

But I would give it time and I would let her reach out to me. It has to be her idea to want to keep trying. You aren't going to be able to use logic or reason to get her to want to find time for you.

 

I agree with the other poster, that if she was really wanting to try, she would find a way. She would see you as a support, not a burden.

 

At 3 months in, the newness has kind of worn off and she may just not be interested in anything long term. From what you said, it came out of nowhere. But that is rarely the case with women. Normally, they have slowly shown subtle signs they are pulling away.

 

Either way, I would respect her wishes and back off. I know it will be hard, but if it really is stress, you are going to have to show her that when she is stressed that you will give her the space she needs. If you try to push her when she claims she is stressed, it's going to show her she made the right decision. But, I don't think it's a legit reason. It's more of a convenient excuse.

 

Sorry, as I know this is not what you want to hear. But I would not keep talking to her or interacting on IG. All that is doing is letting her know she can put you on the back burner. She needs to feel some anxiety, some actual stress, that if she doesn't treat you with respect, she is going to lose you permanently.

Edited October 7, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Maggiemay1]

OP,

You have mentioned how you did a long distance relationship before and that you are ok with sporadic meets etc

 

In all of this , you seem to be focused on what you will or won’t accept , want or tolerate.

 

But you haven’t really considered her in this?

 

She said on the Wednesday that she does want to see you. On the Friday she broke it off.

She didn’t lie on the Wednesday.

I sense that she is the kind of person to put 100% effort into things.

She wanted to be able to put 100% into her studies and 100% into you.

But she realised that she can’t do both. She would be compromising one or the other.

 

She chose her studies.

Some people are just like that!! They struggle with a balance and compromise.

When I was at University I probably put 80% into social life and 20% into study lol

I graduated and have had a great career , no different to the ones that wasted their best days in the library.

 

She is not me but I knew plenty just like her at uni.

 

She is also grieving the breakup despite it being her choice , minimal contact on instagram is making the break up easier for her , but clearly harder for you.

 

She chose what she thinks is best for her , now it’s up to you to choose what’s best for you.

And that probably is to delete her from social media.

[chillii]

I'd do the NC thing if I were you. Breaking up because of a heavy workload doesn't make sense to me. It just doesn't sound right. I can only speak about my personal experience and I've had extremely stressful times in university and in the several jobs I had since then and that never affected the way I felt about the person I was seeing at that time.

 

 

 

The way you describe your relationship with that woman sounds a bit ... boring to be honest? You're in your mid-20s and when you describe what you did together you mention baking, painting and puzzles... Which is of course totally fine and really cute if that's what you're both into, but when I think about the relationships I had in my 20s we usually had other things on our mind in the first three months

 

 

 

My guess would be that she wants to be friends with you and keep you as an option for those activities in the future. But she doesn't want a relationship because she's probably not ready for that level of domestication. But that's of course just an educated guess!

 

 

 

If that should actually be the case, the only thing you can do is to change her perception of you. And that's extremely difficult (if not impossible). So yup, go no contact, live your best life, show her what she's missing. And if you can't resist and call her again (you shouldn't!), I'd suggest something a bit more exciting than a cozy fall walk.

 

 

 

 

l was thinking the same, his post sounds almost teenish.

Anyway , sorry op you won't like what l've got to say but unless she comes around, really , wanting to work it out, l really don't think she's quite into it tbh.

And l don't think you can change yourself to make her into it at this stage and you shouldn't have to anyway.

Don't get me wrong not sayin she doesn't really care about you or like you but maybe just not quite over the line relationship wise.

[ExpatInItaly]

She doesn't sound unsure to me, OP.

 

Assuming she was being honest about why she's ending it - she has chosen to prioritize her studies, full stop. Telling you that she doesn't want to hang out at all anymore is quite definitive. She didn't even offer up the option of seeing each other a little less; as such, she isn't interested in cutting back on time spent together. She wanted only to cut it off altogether.

 

As such, there really aren't any "steps" for you to take here. I realize it hurts and you're confused, but I don't see that she currently left any door open for further conversation about working things out.

 

Do you know what her relationship history is like?

[BatmansBff]

I would advise NC.

 

Thanks you for the thorough reply. I agree with almost all of what you said and I do think NC is the best option for me right now, so that’s what I’ll do. Anything else I do is like pushing a string and won’t really help me in any way.

Edited October 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[BatmansBff]

She doesn't sound unsure to me, OP.

 

Assuming she was being honest about why she's ending it - she has chosen to prioritize her studies, full stop. Telling you that she doesn't want to hang out at all anymore is quite definitive. She didn't even offer up the option of seeing each other a little less; as such, she isn't interested in cutting back on time spent together. She wanted only to cut it off altogether.

 

As such, there really aren't any "steps" for you to take here. I realize it hurts and you're confused, but I don't see that she currently left any door open for further conversation about working things out.

 

Do you know what her relationship history is like?

 

Hey thanks! And ya I did know a bit about her relationship history. From what she told me they weren’t great and the last one ended poorly when she found out about the guy lying about a variety of things.

[BatmansBff]

l was thinking the same, his post sounds almost teenish.

Anyway , sorry op you won't like what l've got to say but unless she comes around, really , wanting to work it out, l really don't think she's quite into it tbh.

And l don't think you can change yourself to make her into it at this stage and you shouldn't have to anyway.

Don't get me wrong not sayin she doesn't really care about you or like you but maybe just not quite over the line relationship wise.

 

Thanks for the reply. I get what you’re saying, I just needed some people to reinforce that thought deep down that I need to let her come around if she’s going too. She definitely just closed off as opposed to communicating with me, but I can’t force her to do that, so I’ll just go NC

[Maddie82]

She's not in a place where she can deal with a relationship right now. But she has welcomed a friendship. She's happy to receive messages from you as a friend, but that's as much as she is willing to give right now. Maybe go NC for now, give her the space she needs for a bit and see what happens. She may reach out as a friend. I'm glad you decided not to give anything another push because that may have put an end to anything with her. She may have backed off altogether.

[Art_Critic]

I think that if you are in a relationship and your presence is causing them stress then it isn't the right relationship.

There are plenty of medical students in relationships so I think she is just getting out of one she isn't fulfilled in.

 

Have you thought about the idea that she has lined up another guy ? many women don't leave a relationship without having another lined up.

[BatmansBff]

She's not in a place where she can deal with a relationship right now. But she has welcomed a friendship. She's happy to receive messages from you as a friend, but that's as much as she is willing to give right now. Maybe go NC for now, give her the space she needs for a bit and see what happens. She may reach out as a friend. I'm glad you decided not to give anything another push because that may have put an end to anything with her. She may have backed off altogether.

 

Thank you for the reply. It sucks but the more I read replies here and think, I do think NC is best. I know she has a lot going on and that if she wants to work it out she’ll need to make that decision. I’ll just need to stop hoping and start healing.