I'm Hetero, but I very rarely get aroused or feel chemistry when on dates or with gir

October 5, 2019

This is long but please bear with me.

I was clubbing during the summer and was quite high. This girl and me started chatting, really good chemistry, and got together. We had the most amazing night ever and I went back to hers that night and stayed the next day. She was really cute and attractive and we had a similar music taste. There was an age gap between us (I'm late 20's, she's late 30's) which made her feel a bit insecure, but we decided to stay in touch.

About me: I rarely get with girls. I'm tall and in good shape, but I'm not ''cute''. At the moment I have decided to use my most accurate pictures on Tinder instead of my best ones. Result is I have only got 1 match in 500 swipes in the past week. I occasionally look good and get with girls in nightclubs but it's quite rare. I have been called both ugly and handsome in my life, but ugly more times overall. Usually I avoid talking to girls when ''high'' as I know it's not natural chemistry and it's the substance doing the work. This time with this girl I just 'let it be'. In fact she was in the same room with me earlier before I was high - I noticed her then but I asked her later if she remembered seeing me. She didn't. So overall it is clear that it was the drug and my enhanced/ultra stage of confidence and relaxation at the time that brought us together. She sees me as an amazing guy and also cute, but nothing would have happened in the first place if I wasn't high, I know this. I have showed this girl to just a few friends and reactions have generally been ''woah, fair play man''. One dude seemed a bit taken aback that I got with her. Since meeting her I have become extremely guarded, always wearing my best clothes and trying to look my best, and always fearing I may bump into her and her friends on the street and they catch me ''off guard''.

Any ways we met up 10 days later, got drunk, and had sex. She went a bit quiet after that so I presumed she didn't want to pursue because of the age gap. However she text me 2 weeks later asking how I was. For the next few weeks we were texting back and forth without meeting. We did meet again, then I went to one of her gigs (she is a musician), and then I decided to text her last Friday about weekend plans. We decided to hang out.

So last Friday.... I went over to her place. We were having a great time, kissing etc. We discussed our relationship, she said she did like me but that she just felt it didn't make sense for us to date properly due to the age gap and being at different stages of life (she's still sort of considering kids etc). In the moment I said I would date her any ways - but in my head I agreed she is probably right and it wouldn't work. We went to a club together. The club was a wee bit strange, she wasn't being distant or ignoring me, nor was she flirting with other guys, but we weren't that close to each other (no holding or kissing) and there were many times in the night where she was dancing by herself and not with me. After the club we were walking home back to hers and she took my hand. We went back to hers. We were cuddling and about to have sex. I started kissing her on the lips and she said ''let's not kiss on the lips as it feels a bit too intimate when we are not in a relationship''. For me it was a bit confusing as we were kissing earlier. I said this to her and she said that we were drinking and in party mode earlier, but that at this moment it just felt weird for her. But then another facet came into the picture.

Disclaimer - My performance problems: I only lost my virginity when I was 24 and have never been able to perform for girls. I think one of the main reasons is adapting to sexual intercourse when used to masturbating for so long. But sometimes it goes even deeper than that. It's like as if I can only feel a genuine attraction for a girl when our bonding happens naturally. Reason I say this is because I have had successful Tinder dates which ended in the bedroom, but it feels 'fake' to me. There have been a couple times I have felt genuine attraction and had successful sex - with these girls I felt they were very much in my league. Otherwise no matter how objectively attractive the girl is, I just don't seem to feel aroused by them or want to get it up. This is how it feels with this girl - I know she is objectively cute and attractive and also a really nice girl, but I'm struggling to feel aroused. The first time I went down on her, 2nd time I managed to finish but just about and it was a struggle, and the 3rd time I had to stop because I wasn't able to perform.

So back to the bedroom last weekend... I wasn't feeling it and knew I wasn't going to be able to perform. When she said she didn't wanna kiss on the lips, I started acting weird and asking her where she wanted to be kissed. This went on for a few moments, eventually she goes ''why are you talking so much instead of having sex, you're obviously not into me, we're not a match''. I didn't know what to say, but it was awkward and painful at the time.

The next day was actually fine. We got up and pretended nothing happened, went to a market and went for dinner. Really nice day. She looks much younger than her age and I look slightly older than my age, so definitely didn't look like an odd couple. And Dare I say it, I don't think people would have been necessarily thinking she was out of my league or anything like that. We weren't holding hands or anything, but overall it felt like we were a good couple.

I went back to hers that night and stayed in hers. We just slept, I didn't attempt to have sex as I felt it would have been futile. I woke up the next day on Monday and left for work. But no doubt she was feeling insecure and useless that I didn't try to have sex with her both nights. We texted on Monday a small bit and I wished her happy birthday on Friday. And this is where it's at.

So in conclusion...: Me and this girl won't end up going into a proper relationship, I think that's something we can both agree on. Nevertheless, we are having fun and a good time together, and we do both like each other. But I just don't know how to proceed if I'm having problems feeling aroused and getting it up for her. It's extremely frustrating as I do find her objectively attractive and she also is a nice girl. But I'm also wondering how much we have in common and how much of a connection there really is...... and if I'm just holding onto it because (1) She is very cute and attractive and this feels like a huge ego boost to me and (2) Because I don't have any other female interest and know if I let this go, it's back to 'as you were'.

It's this dilemma between wanting to keep something good going, and knowing that there are problematic manifestations in the details, that sums it up.

October 5, 2019

But I just don't know how to proceed if I'm having problems feeling aroused and getting it up for her.

You don't proceed if that's the case.

October 5, 2019

You don't proceed if that's the case.

If I didn't objectively find her attractive I would obviously agree. But for me it seems to be more of an emotional thing or something which is the barrier... that's the frustrating part.

October 5, 2019

Have you considered a sex therapist? We can't really solve your problem. I know it's hard to admit you need help, and it's an embarrassing subject to bring up with your doctor, but it probably would be your best course of action.

October 5, 2019

Have you considered a sex therapist? We can't really solve your problem. I know it's hard to admit you need help, and it's an embarrassing subject to bring up with your doctor, but it probably would be your best course of action.

No problem bringing it up with a doctor, not embarrassing for me or anything.

But I need a quick fix. Viagra doesn't do the trick if there are emotional barriers at play. Not sure if I will get an appointment with a sex therapist before the next time I see her.

October 5, 2019

I dont think that this is as complicated. You were just turned off because she does not want to be your girl friend and does not want you to kiss her on the lips. Dont waste time on her. Find someone that would want to be your GF.

October 5, 2019

But I'm also wondering how much we have in common and how much of a connection there really is...... and if I'm just holding onto it because (1) She is very cute and attractive and this feels like a huge ego boost to me and (2) Because I don't have any other female interest and know if I let this go, it's back to 'as you were'.

It seems more like you're just holding on to it. The attraction was originally there, but it died off when she wasn't interested in progressing things. Now you're just trying to force it. She fits a couple of your boxes, so you want to focus exclusively on those. It's probably best to admit that you need somebody who fits more boxes, she's not it, and move on.

October 5, 2019

I dont think that this is as complicated. You were just turned off because she does not want to be your girl friend and does not want you to kiss her on the lips. Dont waste time on her. Find someone that would want to be your GF.

Yes but even the other times I was with her when she did kiss me, I struggled to get aroused and perform in bed.

October 5, 2019

It seems more like you're just holding on to it. The attraction was originally there, but it died off when she wasn't interested in progressing things. Now you're just trying to force it. She fits a couple of your boxes, so you want to focus exclusively on those. It's probably best to admit that you need somebody who fits more boxes, she's not it, and move on.

I agree with your last line about me focusing exclusively on a couple of boxes but not the full picture. At the same time the casual thing we have going at the moment is kind of nice and I would be open to keeping it like this.

So basically I would be happy to continue meeting her and sleeping with her, even if it meant terms and conditions came with it.... my frustration lies with not being able to get aroused and perform in bed. As you can see from my post, this problem has been here from the moment I met her. As it has been with basically every other girl I've tried having sexual encounters with.

October 6, 2019

If a woman told me no kissing on the lips but she wants sex, she'd be out the door. I'm not a plastic dildo. If a man said that to a younger women, he's be ripped apart. Shouldn't be any different the other way round.

She's blatantly using you for sex. As for her wanting kids, she's leaving it too late. And with her attitude good luck to her.

Your in your late 20's, stop chasing Mrs Robinson who doesn't want to kiss on the lips, and go for beautiful young women. Seriously man, you should have a 23 year old on your arm at this stage in your life. Someone who returns your passion, and that you have room to grow with.

As for the ED, drugs aren't going to help that. It sounds like maybe you are looking for more of a flowing connection though. Your not a machine, if someone tells you to F' them but no kissing allowed your body quite naturally will not be aroused.

Edited October 6, 2019 by fromheart

October 6, 2019

If a woman told me no kissing on the lips but she wants sex, she'd be out the door. I'm not a plastic dildo. If a man said that to a younger women, he's be ripped apart. Shouldn't be any different the other way round.

She's blatantly using you for sex. As for her wanting kids, she's leaving it too late. And with her attitude good luck to her.

Your in your late 20's, stop chasing Mrs Robinson who doesn't want to kiss on the lips, and go for beautiful young women. Seriously man, you should have a 23 year old on your arm at this stage in your life. Someone who returns your passion, and that you have room to grow with.

As for the ED, drugs aren't going to help that. It sounds like maybe you are looking for more of a flowing connection though. Your not a machine, if someone tells you to F' them but no kissing allowed your body quite naturally will not be aroused.

Well it's clear that she thinks a relationship won't work (and I do agree with her that the age gap is a bit too much), so I'm guessing she has issues over the intimacy of kissing.

The whole situation has a FWB vibe from it, except we were never friends or knew each other before the night we met and got together.

Guess I have to decide if I'm happy to stick with the casual thing and the conditions that come with it, or just let it be

October 6, 2019

Your problem....there is no quick fix. You are just going to keep hitting a wall. You need to get yourself some help and figure this out before you start anything with anyone. You are just running into a fire without a plan to put it out.

October 6, 2019

27 year old male. For most of my life I have always struggled getting with girls, apart from the few occasions here and there. I'm tall and well built, but not ''cute''. I can look good and admittedly there were a couple of occasions where girls liked me but I didn't pursue it or f****d it up because of insecurity and confidence issues. But most of my life has been dogged by insecurity over my looks and lack of activity with girls.

Any ways I joined Tinder when I was 24 and this was the first time I started having success with girls. But it felt artificial - best photo's, best clothes on the date, alcohol involved - and because of that it felt somewhat fake. Even if I was ''present'' though, the actual attraction towards the girls wasn't there. Even if the girls liked me. No tingly feelings, no nervousness, no erection forming, no sexual desire. Just plain disinterest. On the occasions girls did come back for sex, it felt like a chore and I could never perform.

This also happened with the occasional time I got with girls in nightclubs and they came back. Naturally enough I started questioning things, to see if I was gay. I am open to the idea of sex with a guy if there is a connection, and maybe am slightly bi--curious. But no, I know it's women I'm attracted to on a daily basis, and I never have a desire to fantasise about men. ALSO, there were 2 occasions with girls where I did feel a genuine attraction and arousal. One was a Tinder date where pure and natural chemistry happened between us. Unfortunately this girl was wayyyy shorter than me and it felt very weird when we walked around outside afterwards. The other time was this girl I met in a club and started talking to, it happened very naturally and we got together. She came back to mine and for the first time in my life I felt like sex and had it successfully.

So why was it successful with these 2 girls? I feel that with these girls everything just felt very natural. It's like as if I knew they were more within my league of physical attraction and that they were attainable, and therefore I could let my guard down completely. With that process came genuine sexual connection and attraction. As opposed to the dates with other girls where I was perhaps living in my head more and not revealing myself as much. Maybe that's my answer.

But at the moment, I am casually seeing this girl who is very cute and sexy. We met in a club during the summer and I was quite 'high' at the time. Because I was high we had some insane chemistry when we got together that time in the club. But even though I'm still seeing her now, I find it hard to feel any attraction when I'm around her. Again I feel it's because I'm on guard and sometimes afraid to act certain ways. It's incredibly frustrating though as I do like this girl and find her objectively physically attractive. But I just can't get aroused. First time I went down on her, second time I just about finished but it wasn't really enjoyable, third time I couldn't perform. Last weekend we were about to have sex and I wasn't feeling aroused. Started to kiss her but she told me that kissing ''felt a bit too intimate for her as we are not in a relationship''. I sort of used it as a reason not to have sex with her then, and she got all offended being like ''so you don't want us to have sex then, you must not like me''. Luckily the next day was fine and we woke up and had a nice day together. I stayed in her bed that night but didn't attempt to have sex. So at the moment I'm at this awkward intersection where I want to keep seeing this cute, attractive, and really nice girl..... but I can't build an arousal around her. Some advice here would be great.

So in conclusion and overall.... I feel my arousal problems come from living in my head too much and being on guard too much. Because of that I am experiencing artificial interactions with girls without building actual chemistry and connections. Recently I changed my Tinder photo's to a more accurate overall representation. The results suck, in the past week I have only got 1 match in 550 swipes. It doesn't feel great, but at least I know it's better than matching someone really good looking, going on a date with them, but never feeling 'present' in the date. This way might be the hard truth, but at least it's still the truth. And if I do get a match and go on a date with them, I'll feel more comfortable that this is 'right'.

Maybe I have figured things out myself by writing all this down.

October 6, 2019

I agree with your last line about me focusing exclusively on a couple of boxes but not the full picture. At the same time the casual thing we have going at the moment is kind of nice and I would be open to keeping it like this.

So basically I would be happy to continue meeting her and sleeping with her, even if it meant terms and conditions came with it.... my frustration lies with not being able to get aroused and perform in bed. As you can see from my post, this problem has been here from the moment I met her. As it has been with basically every other girl I've tried having sexual encounters with.

The question is how pervasive do you think this problem is. If it only happens when you're not that into a girl, then maybe you're just not into casual sex. If you're concerned there's something more going on, then talk to your doctor or therapist.

October 6, 2019

"So why was it successful with these 2 girls? I feel that with these girls everything just felt very natural. It's like as if I knew they were more within my league of physical attraction and that they were attainable, and therefore I could let my guard down completely. With that process came genuine sexual connection and attraction. As opposed to the dates with other girls where I was perhaps living in my head more and not revealing myself as much. "

I think you nailed it right there. With those girls, you felt they were "what you deserved" and on equal par with you and that stopped your anxiety from taking over. So that's okay. You trust the situation more and feel it may be more genuine because it's realistic. Nothing wrong with that.

So don't know if you can tell that without a date first, but if so, skip the others and try to only date the ones you are comfortable with their level of looks and approachability. Don't shoot for the stars like everyone else does on online dating because they're not getting anywhere with that anyway!

October 6, 2019

So why was it successful with these 2 girls? I feel that with these girls everything just felt very natural. It's like as if I knew they were more within my league of physical attraction and that they were attainable, and therefore I could let my guard down completely. With that process came genuine sexual connection and attraction. As opposed to the dates with other girls where I was perhaps living in my head more and not revealing myself as much. Maybe that's my answer.

Like Preraph, I feel you're on the right track here. I don't like using the word "leagues" as it often implies some kind of hotness hierachy, but I do think that everyone has their type that they are attracted to. For some, it's more obvious traits (like hair colour, body shape, height, etc), but for others it's a lot less obvious and you can't quite work out what it is that makes you attracted to them.

Perhaps you're attracted to something quite specific - maybe you need that spark or chemistry a lot more - and you only feel that with a small group of people (you mentioned you are open to guys, so don't limit yourself!). I also think if you're on guard, you're less likely to feel attraction - but that may be protecting you from bad matches anyway.

October 7, 2019

Maybe you are asexual???

Or maybe whatever you are using to get high is hampering things??

October 8, 2019

27 year old male here. I have always struggled to get it up with girls, no matter how objectively attractive I find them. In fact, much of the time the arousal isn't even there in the first place. It's like as if I feel 'depersonalised' around girls.

I spent the past week figuring out things, and I think it's a psychological thing where I need deeper connections- if those deeper connections aren't there then they obviously won't transfer to the bedroom. But I also think it's from living in my head so much and therefore not being able to actually make genuine connections. There many girls I find objectively attractive, and even though we might not always have that much in common, I still should be getting aroused, hard, and performing for them. But it's not happening.

So therefore I have begun to work on living in the moment, and also masturbating with lube and only a couple of times a week. The problem is I'm seeing a girl at the moment.

The first time I went down on her, second time I finished but it was a struggle and had to take 2 viagra, the third time I had to stop, and the fourth time I didn't have sex because I couldn't get aroused. She took offence to it. I really don't want this to continue. So, solve your problems first before getting into any kind of relationship, you're thinking But I'm having fun with this girl in a general sense, and we both like each other enough to continue seeing each other. So I'd rather not call it off.

I know what I have to do on a personal level - live in the moment, don't masturbate in days leading up to seeing her, and go with the flow and relax.... that is all I can do from my side.

But I want advice on what I can say to her if the problems do happen again? What sounds legit? I could tell her honestly I've had this problem for ages and that it's nothing to do with her whatsoever (she's very attractive and always has guys chasing her, so she should believe it). But any thoughts or other advice would be appreciated.

Edited October 8, 2019 by bbcc10192

October 8, 2019

Don't worry what "sounds legit", just be legit and tell her it's sometimes an issue for you.

See a doctor and make sure there are no medical reasons.

Just be honest and sincere with her and tell her you are genuinely interested in her. If you continue seeing each other and develop a good emotional/mental connection you may find your issue has been resolved.

October 8, 2019

do you think you may be gay? it would explain a few things

October 9, 2019

If you took offense to a woman not being wet enough for sex, would this be acceptable? No, you'd be an a hole. So the woman who took offense to you not performing for her needs to get the boot.

First step, stop dating A holes.

Second step, get healthy. Diet, exercise. Give up drugs, drink, sleep properly.

Third step, make your mission and goal in life a priority.

Follow these and you'll be fine.

October 9, 2019

@bbcc10192 "objectively attractive" are you sure you are sexually attracted to women in the first place?

As a 48 year old who has always had lots of frequent sex from the age of 17, I've never had a problem with that so far.

Apart from going to a doctor to get checked for whatever ailments there are?

Absent something being wrong with your plumbing. The only thing I can think of like @alphamale, is that you might not be sexually attracted to women at all.

October 9, 2019

There may be nothing wrong with you. Look up 'demisexual'. It may apply to you given your reference to a need for a deeper connection.

October 9, 2019

let me ask , are your thoughts running out of control when your with these women blocking your ability to focus on them?

October 9, 2019

If you’re at the stage where you’re physically intimate, you should be able to talk with her about it.

Say what you said here. If she still takes it personally, you’ll have to re-evaluate her maturity and how well-suited you are.

If you haven’t yet, you should speak with a doctor. If it’s physical you need to know what the issue is. If it’s psychological, at least you’ll know and can figure out your next steps.

It’s not an easy conversation but you’ll have to work up the nerve.

Good luck.

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I'm Hetero, but I very rarely get aroused or feel chemistry when on dates or with gir

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