Opportunity ruined last night by selfish person.

[Aquarius9]

Hey. I did post this in the wrong place last night, so hopefully it's now placed into a more relevant subforum. I've updated a few bits, as well, while I needed to vent this because last night I was seething. I still don't know exactly what to do, and this is a bit of long story, but I feel like I need to explain it all.

 

Last night, I went out with my second cousin; I'm not going to use his real name, so I'll just call him John in this post. He's about sixteen years older than me (I'm 26) and he's my Mum's cousin. I don't know him well, only met him a few times, but we both share a desire to meet women. A few weeks ago, I was warned about him being unreliable and that he's treated one of his parents badly before. I wouldn't have gone out with him if I could help it, it's just that all my friends live quite far and don't really have an interest in going out anymore - most of them are in their thirties now.

 

As a bar is of course a good choice to meet someone, and because I didn't want to go out on my own, I accepted his invitation to go out despite not knowing him at all, really. His bad qualities really became apparent last night.

 

I need to kind of describe what this guy is like - I'm not trying to be horrible, but he's a buffoon and he's in your face. Think of Hank Schrader from Breaking Bad but more exaggerated, less likeable, and minus the cop stuff.

 

Anyway, John was of the inclination to go bar hopping, so staying in one bar for thirty minutes or so and then moving onto another, and so on. At the second bar we got to, after a while, I got talking to this one girl, we spoke for maybe forty or more minutes. She seemed really into me, and 'John' was chatting to her friend, which, while it was obvious her friend wasn't into him, at least their conversation kept him at some kind of distance from us.

 

After those forty or so minutes, she had a brief trip to the toilet and when she returned she began chatting to her friends next to me briefly as they had some story to tell her or something. I think the viewpoint of everyone was that she was going to resume her conversation with me in a few minutes.

 

Upon that, John said it was my round and that he wanted us to get up and get a drink, but I stubbornly refused at first. I said quietly, without the others hearing, that I didn't want to leave my seat out of fear of another group of guys coming over and chatting to her in my absence, wherein he asked which group of guys specifically I was worried about and said something akin to "You shouldn't be clingy, going to get a drink and coming back will work, trust me. You have her FB, you can contact her tomorrow" Like an idiot, I partially gave in and went to the bar, thinking that he may be right about the clingy thing and because he wouldn't shut up about going to the bar, but I fully intended to return to her once I'd gotten his drink. I should have stayed exactly where I was, in my seat.

 

It took what felt like an age for us queue and to be served. Maybe seven minutes which isn't that long but what with the women outside, it felt like forever. The bartender had to go and collect a separate bottle of whatever whiskey John wanted. I was getting increasingly angry at this. John also got himself two drinks on my 'round' - a beer and that whiskey drink. I initially thought that the other beer was for me, I didn't particularly want it but I thought 'whatever' and didn't realise until about ten minutes later that he actually intended it for himself. Talk about taking advantage! :mad:

 

When we finally got away from the bar, after I left John in my wake, I returned outside to the sight of, low and behold, a group of guys chatting to the women and the one I was talking to. Granted, they weren't 'those type' of guys that she'd be interested in - they were all much older than her and I wouldn't say attractive (not being horrible, just saying), but still. There were three or four of them, and they were big. It was so clear that they were hitting on the girls.

 

I sat down next to them, now seething at this cousin of mine for selfishly removing me from them because he, in essence, wanted to go to another bar, and I was hoping this group of men would move on, but they took longer than I'd hoped. In the end they did, but the girls moved on separately to their own corner. They were clearly tired of John - one of them said, as I remember "I don't care" to whatever stupid video he had to show them on his phone. He then went over to them while I sat at a distance in quiet anger looking at my phone, trying to decide what to do as they rebuffed him. Over the next twenty minutes or so, they did keep moving around the bar, but probably his presence was deterring any kind of contact.

 

I isolated myself from him, still trying to decide whether to go over to them again or if it was ruined. In the end, I just left out of anger. I wasn't sure if she'd want me to go over now, and as I walked out, I walked past her and her friend, both of whom surely saw me, but I didn't say anything; I'd assumed that it was now ruined and I was utterly despondent. I was so angry that I was mentally freaking out. Did me not saying anything as I walked past ruin it further for myself?

 

I don't think I've been so angry at anyone in years. This guy completely ruined it for me; he surely knew what he was doing - he wasn't just trying to get a drink - he wanted to leave. Who knows what could have happened if I'd have stayed out there with her? She hasn't yet accepted my FB request, so it looks like it's blown. She may still accept it, but yeah.

 

What am I supposed to do now - is there something I could message her? One thing I've learned from last night is never to trust people that I get selfish vibes from; at least I won't be going out with him ever again.

Edited October 6, 2019 by Aquarius9

[smackie9]

You had one bad night, your cuz is a dbag, and there are plenty of other opportunities out there. The lesson learned here is, to think things over before you do. Ya it sucks when your friends live too far away...if that's the case make new friends through work, and develop a new social circle that way. Hey maybe invite a coworker or two to go back to that same bar and see if that girl will be there.

[lavenderandvelvet]

I think it is strange you didn’t acknowledge her after such a long chat. That’s the nail in the coffin for me. Did you reach out to her today via text/Facebook/whatever?

[Twizzlestick]

For all people talk about meeting “irl” it’s this kind of crap that online was invented. I lost count of the depressing, empty nights out schlepping around in my twenties trying to chat to the most attractive woman in the bar who are on the high horse defensive (who on hindsight were never all that). I wouldn’t want to go back to that rubbish.

 

In fact I went on a night out in that same place with an old mate for the first time in ten years and made me realise what an uphill struggle it was trying to meet someone who was attractive/single/good character/not on the defensive. It was cringy watching the young twenty year old blokes strut round disinterested, aloof girls, like peacocks wearing serious faces.

 

Yeah sure you can meet people “irl” with oft toted “activities” - learning to fiddly the violin or making wicker baskets but quite honestly the amount of single attractive viables in these time consuming ventures is Er, pretty damn low and even young activities what you end up netting is loose acquaintances. Plus an ability to make a basket.

 

Let your anger slip. Wasted energy. She’s probably a nutter anyway for all you know. You can’t pine for what you didn’t know. And you really didn’t know what lay in store. In future don’t go out with that guy. He’s a douche. Plus you were one of those overly serious young guys i mention. Chill dude they ain’t worth it. The fact you stormed out, I would’ve just said “sorry I got split up, I’ve got to bolt now, but would love to catch up, here’s my number”

Edited October 6, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[Aquarius9]

I think it is strange you didn’t acknowledge her after such a long chat. That’s the nail in the coffin for me. Did you reach out to her today via text/Facebook/whatever?

 

I know. It's what keeps annoying me, but to be honest, I can't tell if she saw our conversation as over or not. They just walked off when they moved to their corner, I know they were dismissive of him, but she made no attempt to invite me with them. Maybe she was just going along with what her friends wanted, but she made no further attempt to contact me for the rest of the night despite being feet from me at one point. That's why I thought he'd ruined it for me. I wish I said something on the way out now. Still, I may message her something today, no idea what to say though.

 

For all people talk about meeting “irl” it’s this kind of crap that online was invented. I lost count of the depressing, empty nights out schlepping around in my twenties trying to chat to the most attractive woman in the bar who are on the high horse defensive (who on hindsight were never all that). I wouldn’t want to go back to that rubbish.

 

In fact I went on a night out in that same place with an old mate for the first time in ten years and made me realise what an uphill struggle it was trying to meet someone who was attractive/single/good character/not on the defensive. It was cringy watching the young twenty year old blokes strut round disinterested, aloof girls, like peacocks wearing serious faces.

 

Yeah sure you can meet people “irl” with oft toted “activities” - learning to fiddly the violin or making wicker baskets but quite honestly the amount of single attractive viables in these time consuming ventures is Er, pretty damn low and even young activities what you end up netting is loose acquaintances. Plus an ability to make a basket.

 

Let your anger slip. Wasted energy. She’s probably a nutter anyway for all you know. You can’t pine for what you didn’t know. And you really didn’t know what lay in store. In future don’t go out with that guy. He’s a douche. Plus you were one of those overly serious young guys i mention. Chill dude they ain’t worth it. The fact you stormed out, I would’ve just said “sorry I got split up, I’ve got to bolt now, but would love to catch up, here’s my number”

 

Well, there were alot of things I liked about her, it's very galling that I had the opportunity there and it was snatched from me by a douchebag. I'm still tempted to just message her on FB, even if she hasn't accepted yet.

[preraph]

He was wrong about most stuff, but right about that you shouldn't be afraid to get up and leave the table and come back.

 

You should just write her on Facebook and tell her your cousin was being a pain and if she's interested, you'd love to take her out on a date this weekend.

 

 

And stop going to bars with with your cousin. There's no point.

[smackie9]

The bar scene?? It is all about personal perception. I worked in a night club for 4 years. In those 4 years, I had plenty of time to observe people. My perception, a lot of those pretty girls were very insecure/worried about everything, and the guys were really nervous but tried to hide it by acting nonchalant. No one had any confidence, not even the steroid monkeys that worked the door. Since the bartenders were pouring 20 drinks a second, people came to me to just talk about their personal problems. I had a pretty good knowledge of the workings in that bar. Guys are frustrated, girls are frustrated, ....everyone just didn't have the experience or the confidence to just relax and be themselves.

[Twizzlestick]

. I'm still tempted to just message her on FB, even if she hasn't accepted yet.

 

When did you send the request? If it were today then go ahead and message, it’s a totally normal mature thing to do to add a message to a request, especially as she’s essentially a stranger.

 

Edit - in fact go ahead and send the message regardless. It’s a thing a man would do. Be lighthearted. Jokingly apologise for your cousin and explain he was causing hassle as preraph said. Say you loved the chat and if she wants to, you’d like to take her out on a date.

 

I wouldn’t get your hopes up though. She’s probably flakier than a Cadbury’s flake. If she were that bothered by you she’d have come and found you in the bar or manoeuvred herself to bump into you. I remember getting girls numbers in “the old days” and the amount who never to texted back the day after was loads. Nights out are notorious for leaving people changing their minds in the cold light of day

Edited October 6, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[Aquarius9]

He was wrong about most stuff, but right about that you shouldn't be afraid to get up and leave the table and come back.

 

You should just write her on Facebook and tell her your cousin was being a pain and if she's interested, you'd love to take her out on a date this weekend.

 

 

And stop going to bars with with your cousin. There's no point.

 

Well, when you're outside, if you get up and leave temporarily, even momentarily, you run the risk of someone else coming over to them, as happened last night. Outside areas are full of people who latch onto others, even if they know they have no chance, they still do it and it can disrupt things.

 

Yep, I'm completely ignoring him. Are you allowed to swear on here? He's a complete...

 

When did you send the request? If it were today then go ahead and message, it’s a totally normal mature thing to do to add a message to a request, especially as she’s essentially a stranger.

 

Edit - in fact go ahead and send the message regardless. It’s a thing a man would do. Be lighthearted. Jokingly apologise for your cousin and explain he was causing hassle as preraph said. Say you loved the chat and if she wants to, you’d like to take her out on a date.

 

I wouldn’t get your hopes up though. She’s probably flakier than a Cadbury’s flake. If she were that bothered by you she’d have come and found you in the bar or manoeuvred herself to bump into you. I remember getting girls numbers in “the old days” and the amount who never to texted back the day after was loads. Nights out are notorious for leaving people changing their minds in the cold light of day

 

When were the old days for you? I hate the modern way of dating. Just wish it was more like it used to be, before texts and all that. I added her about 17/18 hours ago, hasn't accepted. I suppose we'll see if she answers a message!

[smackie9]

Dude dating sucked just as bad 30, 40 years ago. Just that nowadays it's quicker to find out they are cheating on you. In the old days the old fake phone number on the matchstick cover was the deal. I had a few of those calls of guys looking for Shelly or Lisa.... I had to break the news to them it was a fake number. lol. I could feel/hear the burn on the other end.

Edited October 6, 2019 by smackie9

[mark clemson]

It's too bad, BUT, I think you've gotten a bit overly bent out of shape over it? It's just one girl + you don't know if anything really would have come of it. The important lesson is that this guy will ruin your date opportunities, so now you know to either not go around with him or have ZERO expectations if you do. Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on?

[Versacehottie]

Not to point out the obvious, but your cousin and his shenanigans were just a small portion of why you "failed" last night. The main ingredient is you in your chemistry and connection with this girl (any girl) is YOU.

 

I think your sulky attitude and walking away without talking to her and not going back to her played as much, if not more, of a role in the "failure".

 

Anyway, next time have more confidence. Lack of it fails more potential relationships than posting up and trying to c*ckblock other guys does. Seriously if i got the feeling that a guy didn't want to leave my side out of fear that other guys would have an easy shot at me, he'd be toast. Most girls like a guy with the confidence that going up to get a drink isn't going to blow the 40 minutes of flirting you just did. All you need is better game. You needed to say something indicating you'd be back or something flirty or your interest in her before walking away to get the drink. And you need to go back up to her after getting the drinks, no matter how long it took. If she was still at the bar, you still had a chance. BTW, you still HAVE a chance today, just reach out on social media...a bit harder now because of how YOU acted last night after going up to get drinks but still possible. If she's interested in you, it won't be a deal breaker. If she never was, then going up to get drinks isn't the reason you lost her. Good luck

[mark clemson]

Apparently it could be a lot worse: