killerqueen7 Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 Hi everyone, I recently ended a 5 year long relationship with a guy for whom I started losing my feelings. Shortly before the split, a guy from my gym approached me, and we talked. Later on, he added me on Instagram and we started talking. After leaving my boyfriend, I went out with a friend for some drinks and I invited the guy from the gym who joined us. We had a great time, and he ended up telling me that he's liked me for years but was too shy to approach me in the gym. A few days later, we end up at his place, watching Netflix and having some wine because I really liked the attention and I wanted something to happen after the split (which I wasn't upset about at all). The gym guy told me how happy he was to be there with me, and, eventually, we had sex. Right after the sex, I told him that I just came out of a long relationship and I don't want anything else but a casual fling. He agreed because "he is not a relationship guy". We spent some time together some days later. I told him that, if he ever starts having more feelings for me, I'd love to know, and he was like "and I want you to do the same". And we saw each other yesterday where he told me he had rejected a girl who wanted to visit him for casual sex because he is having a fling with me. After yesterday, he stopped contacting me altogether and I'm SO confused. I am starting to have more feelings and can see myself having something more with him. I made the mistake of texting him this morning and saying "I don't know if we should continue this thing because, I might start liking you for real and I know you don't want that". He replied that he didn't expect that and that he doesn't know what he wants. Afterwards, I went to the gym where I saw him and he didn't even say hi! And I feel so disappointed that I let it happen and, frankly, I feel sad. What should I do?? What did I do wrong?
Gaeta Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 What you did wrong is ask for something you didn't want. You wished for a fling, you got one, this man did nothing wrong. This is all part of being recently single. I understand you are releived of being single again but it doesn't mean you don't need to slowly transition to your new life as a single woman. The proof is you've fallen head over heel for a man you had sex with ONCE. You're fragile and vulnerable, you need your time to process the end of your previous life. What you do is get back up, dust yourself and move on. 1
preraph Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 Don't know why he rejected some girl for casual sex. I wonder what he was trying to get out with that. I mean, that almost sounds like he was saying, I like you enough that I did that. But now he's done an about-face. Maybe he just needs time to think . Maybe he's really scared of commitment and doesn't want to be serious and felt he was getting serious and just didn't want to go there. I don't know. But I'd be asking him why he seems mad at you.
smackie9 Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 It's very possible he wished for more than a casual fling and thought better than to get too attached. I agree with Gaeta, you are being vulnerable, just look at how you are reacting to him when it was a casual fling. Take a step back, and drop it, and take proper time to heal. Having sex with some guy wasn't your answer.
Versacehottie Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 It sounds like you are both dancing around the subject at hand and saying the opposite of what you mean. Even what you most recently texted him was a way to tug at him to get him to say he would like to be with you. Have you been watching too many bad movies??? I agree with the others that you sound too vulnerable to perhaps be doing this now. I can't tell if he's a rebound for you but it's certainly possible, see melodramatic statements above ^^^ in your own words. I think you should say what you really want directly instead of playing word games and trying to get a push/pull to work. I think you've already bypassed the part for a slower start that might have been casual to begin with. So now being direct is your best option. You also don't sound like someone who can restrain her emotions or attachment too easily so well yeah if you need to move on then work on doing that next time. I'd say you have to be comfortable alone and happy with yourself first--another relationship or another guy won't fix it for you. good luck
Author killerqueen7 Posted October 6, 2019 Author Posted October 6, 2019 What you did wrong is ask for something you didn't want. You wished for a fling, you got one, this man did nothing wrong. This is all part of being recently single. I understand you are releived of being single again but it doesn't mean you don't need to slowly transition to your new life as a single woman. The proof is you've fallen head over heel for a man you had sex with ONCE. You're fragile and vulnerable, you need your time to process the end of your previous life. What you do is get back up, dust yourself and move on. I totally agree that he did nothing wrong but I guess I just tried to protect myself by saying we should just be casual without realizing that I actually might start having some feelings I can't deal with.
Author killerqueen7 Posted October 6, 2019 Author Posted October 6, 2019 Don't know why he rejected some girl for casual sex. I wonder what he was trying to get out with that. I mean, that almost sounds like he was saying, I like you enough that I did that. But now he's done an about-face. Maybe he just needs time to think . Maybe he's really scared of commitment and doesn't want to be serious and felt he was getting serious and just didn't want to go there. I don't know. But I'd be asking him why he seems mad at you. I did text him and ask what's going on. And it turns out he feels we spend too much time together but he also told me that he really likes me and that we should meet up and talk on Thursday. He will come to the city where I work and meet me there - why bother taking a 1h trip if he doesn't want anything more serious? I feel he's sending so many mixed signals. The thing is, though, I've known him for a few weeks so I don't know him enough to know what might go through his head.
Author killerqueen7 Posted October 6, 2019 Author Posted October 6, 2019 It sounds like you are both dancing around the subject at hand and saying the opposite of what you mean. Even what you most recently texted him was a way to tug at him to get him to say he would like to be with you. Have you been watching too many bad movies??? I agree with the others that you sound too vulnerable to perhaps be doing this now. I can't tell if he's a rebound for you but it's certainly possible, see melodramatic statements above ^^^ in your own words. I think you should say what you really want directly instead of playing word games and trying to get a push/pull to work. I think you've already bypassed the part for a slower start that might have been casual to begin with. So now being direct is your best option. You also don't sound like someone who can restrain her emotions or attachment too easily so well yeah if you need to move on then work on doing that next time. I'd say you have to be comfortable alone and happy with yourself first--another relationship or another guy won't fix it for you. good luck Hahah no, I totally avoid bad rom-coms Anyway, I didn't want him to say he likes me, I just wanted to say that I might start falling for him.. Okay, now I realize how stupid that might have sounded... lol I talked to him today and he told me that he didn't expect feelings to be involved and that we are spending a bit too much time together at the moment. However, he also told me he really likes me and that we should meet up and talk on Thursday after work. I guess I'm gonna have to be 100% honest with him when I see him? Is it just me or are those mixed signals? And I have to say, this is the first time ever I do something like this so I'm extra confused. 1
preraph Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 I did text him and ask what's going on. And it turns out he feels we spend too much time together but he also told me that he really likes me and that we should meet up and talk on Thursday. He will come to the city where I work and meet me there - why bother taking a 1h trip if he doesn't want anything more serious? Sex. Whatever else he wants or doesn't want, like all the other guys, for sure he wants sex. Hopefully you have a talk too. Be honest this time. He may be totally unable to have an intimate relationship and may pull back every time and always be that way, but your only shot here if he doesn't lead with what he wants going forward is for you to be honest and say, "I could see having a real relationship with you, but I don't know how you feel other than what we first talked about when this all started." Then shut up and listen.
Versacehottie Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 Hahah no, I totally avoid bad rom-coms Anyway, I didn't want him to say he likes me, I just wanted to say that I might start falling for him.. Okay, now I realize how stupid that might have sounded... lol I talked to him today and he told me that he didn't expect feelings to be involved and that we are spending a bit too much time together at the moment. However, he also told me he really likes me and that we should meet up and talk on Thursday after work. I guess I'm gonna have to be 100% honest with him when I see him? Is it just me or are those mixed signals? And I have to say, this is the first time ever I do something like this so I'm extra confused. I'll highlight your exact wording to show you how it also might be interpreted besides the way you meant it. lol, glad you are not watching too many rom coms. They are good entertainment for sure but i think we have to be careful to not give too much weight to that's the way things will play out, fate and that kind of messages that they send...along with the often bad dialogue. I don't know what say to do. It's slightly mixed signals from him, i would agree and that's even before he asked to meet up on thursday. Maybe he is just trying to set a pace he can deal with without being one half of an instant relationship, from a girl he might fear is rebounding. I do think when a guy says casual you should believe him as to his general motive and if they want to change it they will let you know. Which is not to say you have no power in the situation only to not read into other things that indicate "not casual" if they have stated casual and aren't correcting it with a conversation. IMO, few guys would risk saying they want casual unless that's where they are in their life right now or unless they are not into you like that, i.e. both meaning they have no intention of changing it. AND if they do want to change it, they will make it clear--probably one of the few times you can trust words over actions. to be fair, there were mixed signals from you too. I think when one person is changing the deal they are at a slight disadvantage...your best bet is to be true to yourself, which means some level of honesty with him. You can't worry too much if it will freak him out. Just keep it simple and not a lot of overdone romantic stuff. Try to meet him at where he is coming from IF it works for you. I know people who have ended up in great relationships from their willingness to do this. But it isn't easy if you want more or feel dismissed because he is not ready now or says casual. You can't really influence what he is going to say or do. Staying true to yourself guards you and shows a good level of confidence that attracts others to you. So that is always a good strategy! Good luck 1
Versacehottie Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 I made the mistake of texting him this morning and saying "I don't know if we should continue this thing because, I might start liking you for real and I know you don't want that". He replied that he didn't expect that and that he doesn't know what he wants. Regarding above: 1) what was your real intention from sending this? it is to get a response. That's what people mean when they convey something/communicate. 2) In his response, you wanted where he stood and hoped it would be positive. You had planted the seed days before with your previous convo "tell me if your feelings change" which is basically like saying "mine are" otherwise there was no reason to say it. His response days before seemed encouraging because he basically said "same". This morning's text was pressing for an answer on that/followup. 3) "i don't know if we should continue this"...well you are hoping he will say why not or I still want to. If you really didn't want to continue, you would fade out or break it off, full stop. So that message was just a faux opener to start the convo and meant the opposite of what you said. Pretty transparent IMO. 4) "i might start liking you for real", i.e. means I do or am catching feelings. It's a pregnant pause that statement as well as the next one "i know you don't want that". Both of those are nudges asking for his input or a response to your confession and somewhat require a response. Anything less than "i like you also or I want a relationship with you too" would be a rejection essentially--which is why it feels bad and like that's what might happen. 5) "i know you don't want that" is something you shouldn't say IMO. You are handing over your power to your happiness and your life to another person about something in which you should be equals and on the same page. It's clingy/desperate to someone who is already perhaps not relationship-minded and it's insecure/unconfident. A little passive aggressive as well. Just say what you want rather than interpret what someone else may or may not want. It's pressure as well. So that's why that statement was really pressure and a nudge by you. I certainly would have interpreted receiving a text that way and all guys I know as well would I'm pretty sure. Secondly when you saw him at the gym later, you should have said hi or approached him. Acting like it was no big thing leaves the door open and shows that he doesn't have that much importance in your life or power over you--which typically draws people to you. Right now he's scared IMO...and possibly wants nothing to do with a relationship but if you want this to play out, do your best since that's all you can control. good luck
Maggiemay1 Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 I did text him and ask what's going on. And it turns out he feels we spend too much time together but he also told me that he really likes me and that we should meet up and talk on Thursday. He will come to the city where I work and meet me there - why bother taking a 1h trip if he doesn't want anything more serious? I feel he's sending so many mixed signals. The thing is, though, I've known him for a few weeks so I don't know him enough to know what might go through his head. None of this makes any sense!! He told you he has liked you for years. But now you say you have only known him for a few weeks?? So , what he meant is that he wanted to ride you for a few years without any attempt to get to know you? So it was clearly for him just sex then? You agree? Why have a discussion after sex about what you want or don’t want when you clearly don’t even know what that is yourself? I think the breakup , despite you initiating it , has affected you more than you are willing to admit to. You need to grieve that loss before adding other guys into the mix. And you certainly should not sleep with guys who are in your vicinity. He says you are already spending too much time together?? Which was one night?! What I read from that is that while you guys are at the gym you are interfering with his other conquests , the other girls he is telling he has liked for years. The only reason he is meeting you near your work is because he can’t be seen at the gym talking to you. He has a reputation to keep afterall.
stillafool Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 I totally agree that he did nothing wrong but I guess I just tried to protect myself by saying we should just be casual without realizing that I actually might start having some feelings I can't deal with. Never tell a man you aren't interested in anything serious. I notice the first person who says this is always the first one to fall in love. If you don't want anything serious keep it to yourself until they ask you to be their girlfriend; then tell them. This guy has lost interest because he meets tons of girls daily.
Maddie82 Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 He will come to the city where I work and meet me there - why bother taking a 1h trip if he doesn't want anything more serious? I feel he's sending so many mixed signals. The thing is, though, I've known him for a few weeks so I don't know him enough to know what might go through his head. He does want something serious with you. He always have. He has just been going along with whatever you wanted because he didn't want to 'rock the boat'. When you sent him that message about being unsure about continuing your 'fling', he probably felt a little hurt and deflated because he had been hoping it would turn into something more than a fling eventually. It's more than obvious he is totally into you. When he comes to see you and talk with you, be honest with him about your feelings.
kendahke Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 I recently ended a 5 year long relationship Define "recently". Right after the sex, I told him that I just came out of a long relationship and I don't want anything else but a casual fling. That should have been conveyed before you got horizontal with him in bed. It just sounds manipulative after you've done the deed--I mean, what's he supposed to do with this? So he did what any reasonable person would do: back up to not encourage these feelings you don't seem to have control over because he knows his mind even if you don't (or don't appear to) know yours. It seems to me he's respecting what you said. What should I do?? Act like someone who just came out of a long relationship and doesn't want anything else but a casual fling, since that's what you said. What did I do wrong? What you did was lie to yourself about what you really wanted and what you were ready for after having just recently ended a 5 year relationship.
Author killerqueen7 Posted October 7, 2019 Author Posted October 7, 2019 None of this makes any sense!! He told you he has liked you for years. But now you say you have only known him for a few weeks?? So , what he meant is that he wanted to ride you for a few years without any attempt to get to know you? So it was clearly for him just sex then? You agree? Why have a discussion after sex about what you want or don’t want when you clearly don’t even know what that is yourself? I think the breakup , despite you initiating it , has affected you more than you are willing to admit to. You need to grieve that loss before adding other guys into the mix. And you certainly should not sleep with guys who are in your vicinity. He says you are already spending too much time together?? Which was one night?! What I read from that is that while you guys are at the gym you are interfering with his other conquests , the other girls he is telling he has liked for years. The only reason he is meeting you near your work is because he can’t be seen at the gym talking to you. He has a reputation to keep afterall. Thanks for your reply! Let me clarify the things you didn't understand and I failed communicate well. He's liked me for years because we've been bumping into each other at the gym since 2016 and saying hi. Since I always work out with someone, he said he was too shy to approach me just like that. Also, according to himself, he does have sex (or at least used to) with girls so I doubt he was sex-less just because it wasn't with me. And we spent time together after the sex - it wasn't only one night of sex and that's it. Also, he's meeting me near my work because I mentioned it days earlier, that since I work 50 miles away, it wouldn't kill him to come and meet me there. I hope I made more sense now :-)
Author killerqueen7 Posted October 7, 2019 Author Posted October 7, 2019 He does want something serious with you. He always have. He has just been going along with whatever you wanted because he didn't want to 'rock the boat'. When you sent him that message about being unsure about continuing your 'fling', he probably felt a little hurt and deflated because he had been hoping it would turn into something more than a fling eventually. It's more than obvious he is totally into you. When he comes to see you and talk with you, be honest with him about your feelings. Thanks for your reply. I hope you're right :-) However, I'd like to know what makes you think it's obvious that he is into me?
Author killerqueen7 Posted October 7, 2019 Author Posted October 7, 2019 Define "recently". That should have been conveyed before you got horizontal with him in bed. It just sounds manipulative after you've done the deed--I mean, what's he supposed to do with this? So he did what any reasonable person would do: back up to not encourage these feelings you don't seem to have control over because he knows his mind even if you don't (or don't appear to) know yours. It seems to me he's respecting what you said. Act like someone who just came out of a long relationship and doesn't want anything else but a casual fling, since that's what you said. What you did was lie to yourself about what you really wanted and what you were ready for after having just recently ended a 5 year relationship. Recently is 5 months. And I totally get where you're coming from and, frankly, I regret opening my mouth about the fling thing and even sleeping with him. But I can't do much about that right now. So I'm meeting him on Wednesday (change of plan) - what do you think I should say?
kendahke Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 what do you think I should say? Nothing. I'd listen to what he has to say---and I'd listen to hear what he has to say instead of listening to form my next reply. 1
Maddie82 Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 Thanks for your reply. I hope you're right :-) However, I'd like to know what makes you think it's obvious that he is into me? He told you he's liked your for years so he's been harbouring a crush. His feelings likely deepened when you got together but he went along with what you wanted. His silence when you told him you shouldn't continue tells me he was gutted, but still agreed.
Author killerqueen7 Posted October 7, 2019 Author Posted October 7, 2019 He told you he's liked your for years so he's been harbouring a crush. His feelings likely deepened when you got together but he went along with what you wanted. His silence when you told him you shouldn't continue tells me he was gutted, but still agreed. Then, from your point of view, what should I do on Wednesday? What do I say in order not to scare him away even more?
Author killerqueen7 Posted October 7, 2019 Author Posted October 7, 2019 Nothing. I'd listen to what he has to say---and I'd listen to hear what he has to say instead of listening to form my next reply. Thank you. I'll definitely keep that in mind.
Versacehottie Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 i agree with kendake, listen to what he has to say. He might just want to avoid the subject (he might not bring it up), that's a possibility. Listen fully until he's said his full side of things. Then be honest in response. Good luck
Maddie82 Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 Then, from your point of view, what should I do on Wednesday? What do I say in order not to scare him away even more? Just be open and honest. Listen to what he has to say. If you genuinely like him then tell him. I got a feeling he'll reciprocate.
Author killerqueen7 Posted October 8, 2019 Author Posted October 8, 2019 i agree with kendake, listen to what he has to say. He might just want to avoid the subject (he might not bring it up), that's a possibility. Listen fully until he's said his full side of things. Then be honest in response. Good luck Thank you! I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow!
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