zenmuffin Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 I (27) met my boyfriend (30) over the summer. I have a hard time with connection, but he was committed and insistent. The last year has been hard for me, and I've been working as stripper while going to school. He told me he can't get serious with me unless that changes, so we spent a week apart and came back together at a significantly slower pace. Still intimate, still loving, but new boundaries. I hate my job, and began looking for new ones as there seemed to be long term potential with this man. Last night everything imploded very suddenly. I recently connected with an estranged parent-- and actually, my boyfriend had a lot to do with this. My parent and I had an upsetting call last night, so I texted my boyfriend and he invited me to have a drink with him and a friend. My boyfriend claimed to be sober but was acting obnoxiously and began lecturing me on my expectations of my parent. He asked about my PTSD, and I tried to shut this down but he wouldn't drop it (it is from an assault unrelated to my parent and I was horrified that he brought this up at the table). His friend at one point asked about my income and what I charge for different things. We are all very open as friends so I allowed this at first, but began to feel uncomfortable. It felt out of character so I wrote it off as drunkenness. We decide to go dancing, and shortly after arriving these two disappear in what ended up being a mosh pit. I didn't know. I follow them in and end up getting tossed around. I was already so angry, and when I got out I slapped my boyfriend. It was meant to be light, but it just ended up being a normal, ugly slap. He was obviously mad and I felt ashamed. He carried on but I felt incredibly uncomfortable trying to dance after that. We left about an hour later. I tried to hold his hand on the walk home and he pulled it away, called me entitled, and told me he has "clearly" wanted to break up for the last week. He walked the other way down the street and when I called him he was ice cold. Said he simply doesn't like me anymore and the slap had nothing to do with it, that I should have seen this coming and he doesn't want to see me again. I certainly didn't see this coming. When I last saw him he said he was proud of me, was helping me look for new jobs, and was instigating all forms of physical and emotional intimacy. And that is pretty much how we always are together. I take responsibility for slapping him-- I feel horrible. But I do not know how we got here. He has always been sweet and consistent with me. Last night I went to him for comfort and ended up alone on the street at 4am.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 If someone slapped me, I would be done. End of. I don't blame him there. Do I think your relationship would have survived even if you hadn't gotten physical? Probably not. It seems he was not comfortable with several things in your life, and his boundaries are poor if he felt it was acceptable to raise personal issues in front of a friend. It doesn't sound like a great match. Get help understanding why you felt slapping was an appropriate reaction to your anger. 1
smackie9 Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 Sitting around a table with drinks with his friend was no place to talk about personal problems. If you wanted to talk about your parent, that should have been a simple phone call. You shouldn't have gone out partying feeling that bad. Should have stayed home for the night, had a warm bath and relaxed. Him, he's not a good guy, and here is why... He continued to expose your vulnerability in front of his friend, bringing up your sexual assault. How horrible can one be talking about something that is so devastating to begin with?!. He's a jerk and by no means a gentleman. He has an issue what you have to do for a living to survive, well then he shouldn't have dated you. You are so blind girl. The right guy would have been supportive, and accepting and knowing going in what you do. As for his friend, he's a pig. Asking you what services you provide and how much is disgusting and degrading. And as they say, you are the company you keep, and those two are both misogynists. They have no respect for you or for women in general. Your BF parading around with you was only for the benefit of his big fat ego. He doesn't give a rat's butt about you as a person because if he did, he would try to change you. He wasn't helping you, yet it may have looked like it. He was pushing things along because he was embarrassed and jealous of you being a stripper. You can do way better than this hun, waaaaaay better. As for giving him a slap, I get it, that was buildup from all the badness he did to you, but in reality, you should have called a cab and went home. Slapping someone should only done in the movies. He could have been a real jerk, charged you with assault and sued you. You get no respect from a guy like him....ever.
preraph Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 He's just not the right guy. Look, obviously, most rational men will have a problem with what you do for a living. I mean, what they like about it is basically only the bragging rights, not the reality of it. So I'm glad you're looking to get out of that. I'm sure you can find something else to do. Meanwhile, your boyfriend isn't supportive, got with you even though he knew what you did for a living, but is a hypocrite about it, and yes, it was crazy to be have to be questioned about all that with his friend. You shouldn't have slapped him, you already know that. Remember most men are bigger than you, so that's stupid. I get it. I used to throw champagne, and I also wore brass knuckles when I was up front at a favorite band for when the moshers started to form around me and pushed me around (my best friend lost a tooth that way). So I get the whole thing. But don't slap people. It's dangerous to start something like that. He just wasn't the right guy. Honestly, he was probably besotted with you at first because you were a stripper and look good and were nice and was attracted to you of course, but once reality set in, he started losing his momentum with you and started being callous and careless. It's over. Let it go. Change professions and get in one where there's a better class of clientele and you'll meet someone better.
kendahke Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 The slap confirmed to him that this needed to end and he's right. This is done. Move on. 2
FMW Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 His friend asking about how much you charge was kind of icky and exhibited a lack of respect for your work (and thereby for you). Your BF probably enjoyed feeling like he was "saving" you from your past and current unhappy situations, but he started seeing you through a different lens when you were included in a gathering with his friend. Don't get involved with guys who see you as a project. Work to make improvements in your life that you feel need to be made (not based on others' judgments). And if someone says/does something that makes you feel the need to slap them, that's a huge sign you shouldn't be with them.
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