How do I tell the girl I'm seeing that I'm moving?

[StrawberryBurst]

Hi,

 

Bit of a weird/strange situation. I am 28 year old male. Been seeing a girl (29) for a few weeks. Everything seems fairly normal and progressing well. She is into me for sure, but I'm a bit weary of her intentions as she came out a 3 year relationship in April. Fully aware that it may or may not be a rebound thing or I might be lead on a bit. So I continue with caution. I know when to walk away if I need to so not worried about that too much just now, as it is early days but I have another situation that I urgently need to deal with.

 

So basically I'm living on my own, rent a nice place not far from her, around 10 minute drive etc. The issue I have is, I decided a few weeks ago, just before I met her, that I was going to move back to my parents for 6 months to a year - basically so I can pay off debts and save up a mortgage deposit for my own house. Which was practically impossible to do whilst renting on my own. So I made that decision then I handed in my notice to leave my place. I move out next Saturday. My parents isn't too far away, about 20 minutes from my current place so distance isn't really that much of an issue here at all.

 

When we first started chatting, I didn't tell her I was moving and I probably should have. So she doesn't know I am moving in a week, let alone moving back to my parents. I realise I obviously need to tell her, but the question is how? Whether people like it or not there is a stigma about people going back to their parents later in life. I guess I fear that by telling her, she might think less of me and lose attraction or even worse that things will finish.

 

People will say that they will understand etc if they care or whatnot but I don't think it is as clear cut as that. I've considered just telling her that I'm going back to my parents for 6 months and what will be will be but I just fear losing her. If I lose her due to reasons which aren't my own then that's something I can deal with. The thing is I'm not scared to walk away if I need to when it comes to things like their intentions and what not but with this I'm scared. I really like her, she has everything I want in a partner and whilst I'm cautious I also don't want to lose her at this stage so early on.

 

I guess I'm just very scared and anxious about it and it's eating me inside. I've considered twisting the truth a little and saying there is something wrong with the flat and I need to move because of that. My floor is actually sinking and the builders need to work on that anyway which she is aware of so I thought that might be a reasonable way out but then that would make me a liar and I don't like lying.

 

I need to tell her soon. I know that much. She is away on a holiday on Wednesday for a couple weeks. So I have a few days to work up the balls to do it. I'm lacking the courage here. If she truly likes me, then will she understand? I don't know. I'm scared of losing her, and I'm scared that I won't like her response. Maybe that's a gut feeling telling me that, I don't know.

 

Any words of wisdom or advice would be much appreciated.

[Twizzlestick]

OP I’m similar. Just tell her. Your reasons are utterly sound and mature. If she bails, quite frankly let her jog on.

 

There is a stigma. People have their little dogged reasons. But the older I get the less worried/accepting/bothered I become by people’s inability to think “outside the box” and adjust their views inline with individual stories of life. If someone is close minded and can’t appraise and redress their views, then they’re not for me.

 

Just to make you feel better. I’m similar. I actually have a good job (airline pilot), late 30s, nice car. Yet I moved back home temporarily with my folks. Weird on paper eh? Someone should bail. Well I have a good reason. I left another country after my long term rele ended. I didn’t want to parachute into this country and move somewhere blind, alone in a strange place. I was a mess when I arrived back home and my old man had the great suggestion I stay with them whilst I find my compass, and work out where I want to live. Money isn’t a problem, I’m on the house hunt. To Some girls it’s a problem, others (my type of thinking girl) don’t worry about it.

 

It’s actually a good filter for the good ones who can think for themselves, without predjudice. My ex was like that, it’s why i spent 10 good years with her. Well, until it went south

[StrawberryBurst]

Thanks Twizzle. This situation is probably really common but it's completely new to me

 

I do understand where you are coming from when you say let her jog on if she bails because of that. Personally that's not somebody I would want to be with anyway. I just think 6 months to a year in the grand scheme of things is nothing. I will be in a much better position financially and living wise in that time, and who knows maybe after the year is up we might just agree to live together. It may be a hindrance in terms of her coming to my parents etc but i'd imagine if she stuck around during this time then I'd probably just invite her over and introduce her to the family at somepoint during the year. If the shoe was on the other foot here, I'd be understanding about it I know that much. 6 months in dating/relationship terms is nothing really and we are still very early days and I'm not 100% convinced of her intentions yet anyway.

 

You are right though, my reasons are mature and sound. If she can't accept that, that is her problem. Let her go if she wants to bail. I just need to find the balls to tell her.

Edited October 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[basil67]

If your parents are welcoming and you’re not afraid to have her stay over and share a bed, I don’t see the issue.

[schlumpy]

Your only real problem is how will she react to you making the decision without any input from her? Without saying it, you have said, this is the way it's going to be - accept it or not. Her reaction to that will determine the longevity of your relationship.

 

Emphasize the reason for your move and also set a firm date for it's conclusion.

[smackie9]

It's common I doubt she will have an issue with it.

[preraph]

This shouldn't be any big deal. You were out on your own, you're moving home for six months and it's not far away. She won't care. Yes, there is a stigma about living at home but you already have a girlfriend and aren't looking, so she shouldn't care all that much about it although a new one wouldn't like the sound of it.

 

Be sure you're out in six.

[alphamale]

if you haven't slept with her then you don't owe her anything

[Versacehottie]

You should tell her right away and just be honest. I think the hardest part will be explaining how come you've kept it from her so long--so have an explanation for that. (i guess feeling anxious about it and judged or that it will affect your opinion of you).

 

It's funny that you are only thinking of the bad parts of what a 6 month move home would mean to her. Just speaking as a girl and part of the way I would interpret it, is that you are a guy who is willing to make a sacrifice to better his financial situation; that you are looking toward home ownership, which also indicates that you are getting ready for a more serious future--which if she likes you a lot and is mature thinking, she will probably like because that means you are more likely to be serious relationship or marriage minded. I'm sure the logistics of dating each other will be a little more difficult but unless she has a challenging living environment, you could spend more time at her place. I wouldn't have that big of a problem with it...as long as it had an end date, as long as you did what you set out to do there (pay off debts and save for a downpayment). I would have a problem (not impossible to overcome) that you have kept this big piece of information until the 11th hour on me. Don't lie IMO or exaggerate (i.e. the condition of your current apt). That would be a deal breaker in combo with the other things. Good luck

[salparadise]

What's her living situation? If she has her own place then it should be less of an issue since you could spend time with her there.

 

Regardless, I'd present it as, you're preparing to buy a house, and you'll be giving up the apartment and staying with the folks through the winter. So the plan to buy the house is what you emphasize, and spending a few months with the parents is sort of incidental.

 

If she has her own place, it's implied that you'd hang out with her there.

 

I think you shouldn't worry about it. It likely won't be an issue. If she bales because of it then she probably wouldn't have been a dedicated partner anyway. If she's inclined to bale due to little circumstantial stuff, better to know that sooner than later.

[Flame Aura]

Jheeze it was painful to read the OP with all the 'I'm so scared' I hope you don't show this lack of confidence when you are actually with her.

 

You are way overthinking things and worrying about absolutely nothing. Who cares what she thinks? You are doing this for yourself, not for her. You are not even boyfriend and girlfriend yet? Have you even slept together yet?

 

Just grow some balls and tell her. Women like a man who knows what he wants and can make a decision and stick to it.

 

 

For what it's worth I moved out 3 years ago as I had become single and wanted the freedom to bring girls back etc. Met my girlfriend nearly 2 years ago and I will be moving back to my mums house in a couple of months so I can clear my debt and buy a house together with her next year.

[StrawberryBurst]

I told her, she said its fine because it is for the right reasons and she wouldn't judge me on it. She also said it's good for her as it means she doesn't need to leave the house as much when we are seeing each other

I dunno why I was scared.

[d0nnivain]

Sorry but you two haven't been a couple long enough for her to be entitled to any input about your living arrangements.

 

You don't tell her much. When your lease is up, a few weeks before you move you tell her that your lease is up & that you are moving home for financial reasons. Before you move back in with mom & dad perhaps introduce her to your parents so she won't feel odd coming over to their house.

 

Then when you do spend time together you do it at her place.

 

You aren't moving so that you two will be in an LDR. It's really not as dramatic as you are making it out to be. You are making a wise financial decision but you best literally put your money where your mouth is. IMHO, at least 70% of your saved rent / utilities should go toward bills; 15% to savings & at least 15% to mom & dad for room & board. be confident in your own choices

[alphamale]

I dunno why I was scared.

 

because you are a man dealing with a woman