Dating a single mother with three young children

[Trail Blazer]

My question is, can it actually work? I'm keen to hear the perspectives of women, especially mothers with more than one child, if you think that a committed relationship with a man is practical with such commitments.

 

Okay, so I'll give some context. I am going on a date Tuesday night with a single mom, 34 year old with three daughters, age ranges 5-10. She works full time as an early childhood educator and also has (almost) 100 percent care of her children, as her ex lives in Seattle.

 

She told me that her daughters normally spend part of Thanksgiving with their dad in WA but that this year he's working so they've taken a few days off school to spend with him as they won't see him again until Christmas. So, what that means is, she is free for a few days.

 

We connected on POF one month ago, but "T" as we'll call her, was very sporadic in her messages. Long story short, claims she lost her cell forgot her POF password as she wasn't online for two weeks, then asked if I was still interested in chatting. I was and told her I was back in town from working and we should catch up. She agreed.

 

When working out where we going to meet, I asked her what end of town she lived and it turns out she's only 8 miles from me! I suggested a local Indian restaurant and she said, "Awesome, I love Indian food!" So, that's another winner right there.

 

I guess my question is, is it even possible for a woman in her position to have a relationship with someone? I mean a proper relationship. To me, if she's doing her job as a single mom, and she seems like a loving and devoted mom, loves kids and works with pre-school children all day, is active in her kids' sports, foster cares for animals to help local shelters. It's all awesome, but what's in it for the man?

 

I put that line of questioning out, not to be provocative, but to genuinely ask what capacity would a woman in this position have to really offer a man anything, if she's doing her job right.

 

My most previous ex was a single mother to one six-year-old boy. It was awesome in the beginning, but as life normalized, I got put on the back seat and it became clear that whilst I never expected to be the priority, I was easily phased out of the relationship as she could always use being busy with her kids as an excuse to not spend time with me.

 

I really like this woman. I'm not chasing after a relationship straight away and nor is she seemingly either. At least, she isn't in a rush. I also do not wish to meet her daughters until a solid relationship has been established. I'm not sure how that would be possible without spending significant time in her daughters' lives first.

 

My ex literally was in the same position but with one kid whom I met early on. If I had waited until we were in a relationship before meeting him, I doubt a relationship would have had the time to ever work.

 

I've got experience and I'm not trying to be negative. In fact, I am wanting advice to take on how I could make it work.

Edited October 6, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Depends on how "needy" you are with regard to time. She's super busy. Does she have a regular baby sitter or parents to watch the kids if you go on dates?

 

Based on your recent threads, I would not think that a mother of 3 littles fits into your current dating goals.

[Trail Blazer]

I did fish a little by saying, "wow, you must run a tight ship getting all of your daughters to bed by that time (8pm). I hope you have family support to give you a bit of respite."

 

It was said in the context of just realizing she has 100 percent care of her kids, and asking her what the rest of the night looked like. She was a bit vague, she just said, "I don't know life any other way and the girls know the routine."

 

A mother with three little ones doesn't fit into my dating goals I guess. But I guess there's a few things about her which make me want to give it a try. I'm just wondering whether it could be possible to make work from a practical sense.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm just wondering whether it could be possible to make work from a practical sense.

 

What does "make it work" look like to you?

[Trail Blazer]

What does "make it work" look like to you?

Well, her children will always be her number one priority. I wouldn't expect anything less. So, knowing that means understanding that in a practical sense, she probably doesn't have a lot in reserves to commit to something else.

[basil67]

When my sister's now husband met her, she had kids 9mths, 3 and 5yo. They broke all the rules....she was straight of her her marriage, they moved in together quickly. The kids adore him 18 years later and as each of them come of age, they've changed their name to his.

[alphamale]

no, it cannot work my man

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, her children will always be her number one priority. I wouldn't expect anything less. So, knowing that means understanding that in a practical sense, she probably doesn't have a lot in reserves to commit to something else.

 

This didn't answer my question, but it did answer your original one in this thread.

[Trail Blazer]

This didn't answer my question, but it did answer your original one in this thread.

Making it work for me means there's enough room in her world for me (I have two children of my own as well) in it.

[Flame Aura]

There's no way I could ever love another man's child the same way as I hope I will when I have a child of my own one day.

 

 

I once dated a woman with a daughter from a previous marriage. After that told myself never again.

 

 

I prefer to build my own empire with my partner.

[Trail Blazer]

I'm not looking to fill her children's void left by the baby daddy. I've been in two relationships where I was a stepfather, the first one being over 10 years with my ex-wife. Stepkids don't concern me, but at the same time I have no interest in taking on anyone else's children as my own.

 

What it all boils down to here for me is whether the mother has the reserves to commit to a relationship whilst fulfilling her obligations as a full-time working mom of three young daughters. I'm skeptical, but I want to give it a try.

[Flame Aura]

I'm not looking to fill her children's void left by the baby daddy. I've been in two relationships where I was a stepfather, the first one being over 10 years with my ex-wife. Stepkids don't concern me, but at the same time I have no interest in taking on anyone else's children as my own.

 

What it all boils down to here for me is whether the mother has the reserves to commit to a relationship whilst fulfilling her obligations as a full-time working mom of three young daughters. I'm skeptical, but I want to give it a try.

If that's the life you want to have then go for it, only one way to find out. Seems like you have already made your mind up and are just looking for confirmation on here. You've already made your decision so don't let anyone stop you.

[Trail Blazer]

If that's the life you want to have then go for it, only one way to find out. Seems like you have already made your mind up and are just looking for confirmation on here. You've already made your decision so don't let anyone stop you.

 

I've made my mind up to go on a first date. Beyond that I'm uncertain. I don't even know if it's possible to work, but I'm willing to try.

[damni]

The issue here is she has already shown herself to be a bit flakey. Add on top of that the lack of free time she will have to build a relationship with a potential partner.

 

I have one daughter, her father sees her only one day a week. I found that made it very difficult dating, even more so with men who already had children and their contact time was on a Sunday! (My only free alone time)

 

I met my current partner, he was a childless man and we just clicked and took it slow. He met my daughter after a couple months and we have now been together 16 months.

 

However we both wanted to make it work, we didn't mess each other around. I also had that free time on Sundays.

 

A woman with three children with NO free alone time will be almost impossible to date. You need to find out if she has any childcare from friends/families. Otherwise you will be expected to meet her kids straight away.

[alphamale]

I agree damn

[amaysngrace]

It seems like she’s got it figured out. If she thinks she can handle dating with everything else going on in her life then you should respect that she knows her situation best and is able to make that call.

 

Fishing for information isn’t exactly admirable either. You’re doubting her abilities from the start.

 

Not cool.

[Trail Blazer]

Not cool? Hahaha, okay. Sure, let's not try to figure out where someone is at with things so we can't make more informed choices which may help both individuals not waste each other's time. Makes sense. *eyeroll*

[greymatter]

After my divorce I waited five years to date (my child was only 7 when we separated). He never had to deal with meeting people early on because of that. I couldn’t have dated properly because I had no family nearby and my ex only had my child one night a week. I rarely used babysitters.

 

Between you being away for work (if you still are doing that job) and her commitments and responsibilities, it sounds tough.

 

My current partner and I were firm about not meeting each other’s kids early on, and waited until we were together for a year before doing that. It’s not fair to kids to have them meeting prospective partners early on in a relationship that probably won’t work out (because we all know that a lot of relationships don’t work out). Admittedly most people don’t wait this long and due to that, their kids deal with flaky or dysfunctional people coming in/going out of their lives, which could have been avoided had the parents taken their time and made sure they knew who they were dealing with before trying to play happy family with the new partner.

[olivetree]

I don't fit the profile of the woman you're dating, except we're the same age and both mothers.

 

I think it's all about how you two fit together.

When it's the right fit, you will naturally become a team.

Rules don't matter.

So even when you don't have a lot of time just the two of you, you will know that you are a priority in each other's lives and the connection stays strong.

You're able to give each other the benefit of the doubt.

 

Maybe that is an idealistic way to look at it, but it's what I have found to be true in my own life.

[amaysngrace]

Not cool? Hahaha, okay. Sure, let's not try to figure out where someone is at with things so we can't make more informed choices which may help both individuals not waste each other's time. Makes sense. *eyeroll*

 

Alrighty then, ask your sneaky questions while doubting her ability to manage her own life.

 

Good luck with that!

[preraph]

The simple answer is anytime a woman has kids, they are going to and should come first -- and they take up most of her time. I mean, how else could it possibly be? A mother (and she's on her own with no break from it) has to do everything for her kids: cook, dress, clean house, help with homework, taxi them everywhere all the time. The only way to be in a family like that is to be part of the family and sharing with the childcare and errands and kid taxi service. There's no time for anything other than the odd hookup. I mean, look at how she waited until the one break she gets from them to try to meet a man.

[mark clemson]

...I am wanting advice to take on how I could make it work.

 

 

Really any relationship exists because both people want it to. So if she's willing to see you and your willing to see her, you can "make" this work. Relationships can survive basically anything if both partners wish it to continue.

 

I think what you're really asking is whether you'll be able to be happy with her given the situation. That's really hard to know without trying it out.

 

A mom with only one kid who dotes on the kid might never pay enough attention to you/put enough into the relationship, whereas one with four might hire babysitters and "make time" etc. So I think you'll need to try to see if this will "work" and how much of a priority she can make it.

 

If you have sufficient doubts due to the number of kids (understandably) then either don't try it or possibly try with a lower threshold for ending it.

[alphamale]

I've experienced that most women who have small kids will let you know up front (i.e. before you even ask them out). And if you do decide to go out together she will say something like "my kids always come first no matter what" which is code for "you'll always be second fiddle, no matter what"

[Calmandfocused]

Op, I’m a divorced mother of 2 so hopefully I can add a little perspective here. I have 2 boys age 8 and 6. I also work full time and my boys only see their dad every fortnight so am pretty much in the same boat as your lady friend here. I’ve also had one relationship since my divorce and have been actively dating.

 

So first question: do you have you own children op? If you do then be prepared for trying to work out your rotas way in advance so you can spend a bit of free time together. If you don’t have children you will need to be flexible around her. In this situation there has to be more give than take on your behalf, there’s no way round this unfortunately.

 

Here’s the other negatives: she will be knackered a lot of the time. Chances are that when she does have a minute to herself she will want to relax. She may be past the staying out all hours partying stage . She may still want to do activities but cosy nights in and good quality sleep will be her friend.

 

Massive negative : be prepared for the children getting attached to you and vice versa. This makes the break up super hard if it doesn’t work out.

 

Now the positives: she has the potential to be kind, loving and nurturing. You will already know that she has certain housekeeping skills. She’s probably very organised and punctual, simply because she has to be. She can juggle multiple things at once.

 

Obviously all this is all on the assumption that she is a good mother to her daughters and also takes her job seriously. If she is not a good mother chances are she’s a bad partner too, in which case none of the above apply.

 

All in all though op, there are pros and cons. The biggest con is time availability in my experience. Only you can decide if that’s for you.

 

Got to be honest and thought I’d struggle getting dates being a single mum but actually the opposite is true. I’m actually surprised that even men my age who haven’t got children aren’t deterred by my situation but each to their own.

 

It’s about whether it’s right for you op.

[Blanco]

I seem to recall some of your issues from your last relationship stemmed from her being less available to you than she'd been in the early stages of the relationship. With three kids, that would seem like a good bet for something similar to repeat itself, even if she's trying to put effort into the relationship.