Losing feelings for unemployed boyfriend and feel terrible!

[nospam99]

Another way to have better success getting a job by sacrificing 'work/life balance' may or may not be available to OP's BF. It depends on where they live. I'm in the 'deep' suburbs of NYC. There are many commuter train lines 'out here in the sticks'. By the time you drive to the train station, wait for the train, ride the train (which often does not run on time), wait for the subway in 'da city', ride the subway, and walk to the office (reverse when going home), it's easy to spend 6 hours each day commuting, five of which is sitting. It all depends on if there is a large city nearby with lots of jobs. Thankfully, I was never desperate enough to play that card - the 5 hour commute to a different city that I tried was more than enough.

[Rayce]

Dummy down my resume... take off my college degrees.... leave off all of my experience that is older than 10 years old. This still wont get you past ageism...

So far my spreadsheet has over 200 job applications on it.

 

Another problem I have run into with temp work is that I get in a place really cheap doing one type of job then the new employer figures out what I can really do. At that point they want me to perform at a higher functioning employee utilizing all of my skills. Then the younger guy with a degree in something totally off base comes in and gets the higher paying job and position.

 

It's tough for the 50's who feel forced out of the workforce. It seems to be common place.

[Gaeta]

Down playing his qualifications is a good approach but OP's bf live in a small suburb, he may have explored all the jobs available in his area already. I still think it's to his best advantage to move to the closest big city. The kid will have to drop a couple of activities so what? It's more important to get back in the work force ASAP than remaining available to ride his kid to karate class. Assuming you're American I see your unemployment rate is 5% at its lowest, there are jobs out there, and again, I insist on the importance of not showing a void of a year on a resume.

[GraceAndJoy]

The problem as I see it is that I assume he has only one resume.

 

Can you help him prepare another one? One that downplays his previous roles to not make him look overqualified?

 

Has he joined an employment agency?

 

The other thing you should consider is that you are still within a honeymoon phase of the relationship and even if he had not lost his job , your feelings might have shifted?

 

Also , in your current position , what are the positives of being in the relationship now? You have only mentioned the negatives.

 

He has not previously tried dumbing himself down on his resume or interviews but that is certainly a new strategy to try.

 

Positives of the relationship? There are so many that it kept me hanging in these last 9 months despite everything. He is affectionate, kind, honest, chivalrous, romantic, generous, attentive, handy in the house, a devoted father and pet owner, same faith as me, a good listener, always there when I need him. He still believes in marriage despite his ugly divorce and he is my age, and we both have one child, so the future moving into old age looks happy for us if we can get through this!

 

That said, I am skittish about remarriage because of my experience of betrayal so I am not rushing in any way. I told him YEARS down the road and he is patient

[preraph]

I have not given him any cash!

 

but he is very devoted to his child so he wants to be available to parent her during his possession times, which makes it impossible to work evenings/nights (he has no support system for babysitting). UGH

 

He has the same options as everyone else with a child. You pay for childcare. I don't believe he only has her evenings and weekends. If so, time to get that changed with the court and get to work and get childcare for when he needs it like everybody else does. That's excuses because he doesn't want to do what he doesn't want to do. Good lord, I know a single mother who worked full time every day of her life and isn't highly skilled and still managed to find someone nearby to watch her child and got through it. This man has an ex-wife and can work and probably make twice what my friend ever made and can afford childcare. He needs to get his s*** together.

[Versacehottie]

He has the same options as everyone else with a child.

 

 

That's excuses because he doesn't want to do what he doesn't want to do.

 

He needs to get his s*** together.

 

Exactly^^^ Lots of people have made great suggestions and I'm sure he is trying but the time is passed where he has to make a sacrifice, i.e. time with his daughter, in the name of providing for himself and her. It all boils down to what he is willing to do and not willing to do.

 

I get it that he's been looking for an ideal solution or as close to ideal as he can find that puzzle piece but he's out of time if he is diving into his 401K. I don't think anyone suggested it but one way you could help without giving him money is take care of his daughter during his time. It's a service and it will save him money from childcare. If you two are serious about each other and going to have a real future, it's probably something that should happen at some point. His ex wife might not be thrilled about it but it should be better than some random babysitter or nanny (which i'm sure you are!!).

 

I think it's a tough position to be in (yours) but he otherwise sounds like he makes you really happy. It's hard but necessary to see how people handle themselves (both of you) during tough times and it makes sense of why you are losing feelings. I don't think you are wrong or should feel guilty for needing to put yourself first in life. Unfortunately it just looks like your lives aren't that aligned at the moment. I would say he's probably in a terrible position to be dating right now. The timing isn't great at all. Maybe a break will relieve pressure for him and you. It's got to be really uncomfortable for him to try to date and be himself as normal when his life is not normal now. Life has a finite number of hours in a day. IMO, when you don't have a job, you need to devote the same amount of time (or more) toward finding a new one--ie if you work 40-60 hours a weeks normally, then devote 40-60 hours a week chasing down a new job/income sources. In one way he has been hedging his bets by holding out for the better income job equal to a guy who has a MBA but his bet isn't playing out right now so he needs to change course. IMO, it's going to get worse before it gets better, such as he might have to take 2 lower paying easier to get jobs AND keep looking for his MBA higher level job or something entrepreneurial.

 

It's a difficult position to be in. I think you should give it a little more time and definitely let him know gently where you stand. Maybe take the stance that you don't want to be added pressure onto his life. It is true. You are losing feelings because you want traditional dating at a time that his life doesn't allow that. And you guys aren't serious enough (living together or married) to weather these kinds of storms yet (hard at any point). Good luck

[GraceAndJoy]

He has the same options as everyone else with a child. You pay for childcare. I don't believe he only has her evenings and weekends. If so, time to get that changed with the court and get to work and get childcare for when he needs it like everybody else does. That's excuses because he doesn't want to do what he doesn't want to do. Good lord, I know a single mother who worked full time every day of her life and isn't highly skilled and still managed to find someone nearby to watch her child and got through it. This man has an ex-wife and can work and probably make twice what my friend ever made and can afford childcare. He needs to get his s*** together.

 

Yes, he is totally willing to pay a babysitter (has was doing it before he got laid off) but I was just responding to the people saying "work at the supermarket or retail" because where we live, babysitters get $10 per hour which would be his take home pay (or more than his take home pay).

 

I am willing to watch his daughter when I can but I have some evening responsibilities with my own job and I can't always be available. But I certainly have no issues with doing that.

[preraph]

That's why I said he needs two jobs right now. One big one and one little one. Or he needs to revisit his visitation schedule until he gets on his feet. What line of work is he in?

 

Listen, part-time seasonal people, some of them make good money because businesses are desperate. I worked part-time seasonal for a property tax company. Started in January and was over in about six months. They hired me

at $13 and quickly raised me to $17 per hour.

 

I worked for a temp call center for a couple of weeks until I got a bad ear infection from their earbuds at $15 per hour.

 

He, like everyone else, is letting his pride stop him from "starting all over." Even within my chosen profession years ago, I had to start all over from the bottom twice. I value fun, so I used to try to find fun second jobs to make up for the lack of pay. Like riding motorcycles and working in a haunted house. He needs to hustle right now. The longer he holds out for someone to hire him at what he was making in his chosen profession, the staler and staler that resume is going to look. He needs to work to show that he doesn't like sitting around doing nothing.

 

It isn't fun to have that stuff on your resume, but it's all how you spin it. I would tell the interviewer or put in a cover letter, "I like to work and am looking for the right permanent position, but until then, I'm staying busy doing whatever I can, especially if in the process I can learn a new skill."

 

He's making excuses because he's resistant to change and doesn't want to start over. He can still look for the type job he wants while he's doing something else. Any money, even $15 less $10 per hour for childcare is better than none!

[Ruby Slippers]

I'n totally in agreement with people who say he needs to wake up and adapt to the new situation.

 

The thing is, you can't make him do that, and many months have gone by without him coming to that realization myself.

 

It would be natural for you to drift away, as it doesn't make sense to move forward with someone not on equal footing looking toward retirement. Taking money out of one's 401K is a desperate measure that should be avoided at all costs, especially when it's insufficient to begin with.

 

I'm a bit younger than you guys, but I have never in my entire life gone more than a month or so without working at something, even if I had to take something less-than-ideal while I kept looking for the ideal. It would be absolutely unacceptable to me to eat through my hard-won savings rather than find something for employment.

 

You're on different pages. Hopefully he finds the motivation to bounce back soon. If not, I'd completely understand you disconnecting. Personally, I can't see myself ever being with a man who is unable to pull his equal weight financially. I've worked way too hard in life for that.

[snowcones]

Real talk: He's going to have to have 2 versions of his resume. One for the "dumbed down" jobs and one for the top-notched jobs. The top-notched jobs are self-explanatory - just keep applying and interviewing constantly until he gets one. In the meantime, deploy the "dumbed down" resume, which is one where he omits his higher education or management position. This is just so they will hire him into a position without worry of him being over-qualified or worry about him leaving, where he can have SOME money coming in. Having a position like this while he looks for a better paying position will take soooo much of the pressure off of him and really help him buy time.

[GraceAndJoy]

The two resumes, one dumbed down, is definitely a good point (several Loveshackers have made it, thanks everybody!). I will talk to him about this.

 

Even though it seems like he hasn't tried hard enough, it's important to consider that he has been consistently finding job postings and getting interviews, so he kept thinking "Oh this is the one, I will be fine because I'm about to have a paycheck again." He doesn't look or feel his age, so the agism was surprising to him. Every time he doesn't get the job, he starts to realize he's in real trouble. It just took him a while to realize it. And me too. That's why I stayed this long and am now starting to get into panic mode.

 

I still don't know what to do, but I am getting amazing perspectives! I appreciate all the great job-getting ideas from the LS community!

Edited October 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[preraph]

I had the age problem when I was about 56. I looked good at that point, younger, and as soon as my seasonal job ended, I went right over across the street and applied at a company. I got to the 2nd interview and they had me then fill out all the paperwork for hire, insurance, etc. And you know, in the US, they're not allowed to even ask your age on an application, but they ARE on the insurance forms. And as soon as I filled that out and handed it in, they ghosted me completely. That's how they find out your age. Anytime insurance is being provided by a company, there will likely be age discrimination involved. I'm not crazy about insurance being tied to companies, and it's rarely happened in the jobs I was in either even when young. So he might want to apply places that don't provide the incentive of insurance to avoid the insurance form.

[SumGuy]

OP: Staying with a cheating ex is completely different than staying with a man down on his luck and facing hard times. To equate the two to me seems you are seeking justification for leaving him when he is down.

You certainly have no obligation to be there but it sounds like you love being with him not love him, as soon as a storm hits your out. It’s a reality that if at a high level job it can take a year to get another, and taking an $10 an hour job cannot pay the bills, better to look at bankruptcy.

 

Of course he is down, amazing he still tries, he could lose his house, ability to see his daughter and end up in jail for failure to pay child support to boot. Yah losing your home, children and freedom, that shouldn’t emotionally impact a “real man.” No he is just living every divorced man’s worst nightmare.

 

My view if you leave him now it’s over for good, he’d never trust you again to be there for him when life throws him a curve ball. Especially if he was there for you.

[elaine567]

The main problem the OP has is that her salary is so low that it is not enough for two people to live on.

 

The longer this continues, the more likely it is that she will start having to support him and his small child. (another downside to older fathers)

This is going to impact her future plans too, with every spare bit of cash having to be put into the "survival" pot....

 

10 weeks of normal dating + 6.5 months of worry, depression and little sex is hardly a firm foundation for such a big commitment...

[fromheart]

Well, life kicks a person down sometimes. Sounds like he's been the victim of bad circumstance, not his own idleness. The latter would be understandable.

 

Sounds like you need someone riding on good fortune.

 

Better to let him go, he will hopefully face the bad luck he has had and once successful meet a partner that will ride the storm with him, and recognize him for the effort he makes in bad times, not how much he is earning.

 

Had a woman who once told me she'd be with me when I was successful. Though I was working hard for success, she was only interested in the success and not the journey. When success came, she looked me up. I was more interested in younger, hotter women. She wanted the law of the jungle, and that's what she got.

Edited October 7, 2019 by fromheart

[Happy Lemming]

10 weeks of normal dating + 6.5 months of worry, depression and little sex is hardly a firm foundation for such a big commitment...

 

Dating should be fun, this doesn't sound like fun. It sounds like constant drama and trauma. No reason to stick around.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think the guilt trips from the men are completely unfounded. He doesn't even seem to be considering jobs outside his immediate and very limited suburb with the flimsy excuse that it will cut into kid time. Using up all his retirement savings and having to sell his house and possibly worse is going to do a lot more damage to his life and the kid's life than cutting back on time with her so he can get a job.

 

GraceAndJoy has been very forgiving and generous to keep dating a guy in his situation - that is, a guy who can't even afford to date. This happened after 2 1/2 months of dating, not 20 years of marriage.

 

For the record, my advice has been the same to older men dating older women in a weak financial position. No way after a lifetime of hard work is anyone obligated to drag along someone who's been/is being less responsible and motivated.

[SumGuy]

I get that this is a new relationship so no expectation she will stick around at all and even if she did and all works out for him job wise that they have what it takes for long term compatibility. Certainly no expectation she should financially support him even if she sticks around.

 

Just saying it is in these situations (falling on hard times through bad luck and not a character flaw) where true friendships and bonds are tested, it's easy to be there for someone when times are good.

 

Having been in a similar situation can say it is near impossible to find comparable positions sometimes without moving and if you move too far you won't get to see your kids, or only on holidays and some of the summer, and that's assuming you have cooperative ex. So money of children. Also he may well be searching hard for a job, it's just not work or effort one can readily see or he may not even want to talk about it.

[introverted1]

OP, I am in a similar situation. The man I am dating has been out of work since I met him and initially it was ok, but after around 8 weeks the depression, etc., started to wear away at the relationship. I am seriously considering ending things, not because of his finances but because of how he is dealing with the situation. So I get it. Like your guy, mine has a reason for rejecting every path except the one of applying for jobs he ends up not getting.

 

 

One thing I haven't seen mentioned is that, since he is out of work he should be able to negotiate a lower child support rate, since that is typically calculated based on income. And yes, I know this will affect his child, but the same would be true if the marriage was intact and one of the parents lost their job.

 

 

I do think that people underestimate how prevalent ageism is, and I include older workers themselves in that group. Until you've experienced it first-hand (especially if you've read the abundance of articles on how older workers are an asset in the workplace) you don't really understand how hard it is to find meaningful/gainful employment at 50+.

 

 

Feel free to pm me if you'd like to talk more.

[SumGuy]

...One thing I haven't seen mentioned is that, since he is out of work he should be able to negotiate a lower child support rate, since that is typically calculated based on income. And yes, I know this will affect his child, but the same would be true if the marriage was intact and one of the parents lost their job.

...

 

Where I live you need to show reduced income for 2-3 years, and even if you file for a modification you could still be in contempt for not paying; which can easily land you in jail. It really all depends on how reasonable his ex is. If contentious it will likely cost at least $2-5K to file for modification and more if it is fought. Even bankruptcy doesn't necessarily modify your obligations.

 

That people get depressed in these situations is perfectly human and normal, he is just new in her life so no expectations, but true friends don't jettison you when life f*s you up and you get depressed because of it.

[introverted1]

Where I live you need to show reduced income for 2-3 years, and even if you file for a modification you could still be in contempt for not paying; which can easily land you in jail. It really all depends on how reasonable his ex is. If contentious it will likely cost at least $2-5K to file for modification and more if it is fought. Even bankruptcy doesn't necessarily modify your obligations.

 

I think this varies from state to state. In my state, modification is fairly straightforward. Also, if the ex is reasonable, she knows he has been out of work and will adjust. I did this for my ex and then, when he ended up taking work that caused him to have a difficult schedule, I adjusted my schedule so he could have time with the kids when he was able to. Reasonable people work things out.

 

That people get depressed in these situations is perfectly human and normal, he is just new in her life so no expectations, but true friends don't jettison you when life f*s you up and you get depressed because of it.

Agree completely that it is depressing and overwhelming to be in this situation. I can't speak for the OP but, in some cases, it is very hard to know how to be helpful when it seems that all avenues are closed. I have offered to take on all dating expenses, only to be told that he doesn't like not contributing. That leaves us sitting at home a lot, which he chafes at, too. Sometimes, it seems he is angry that I have a job and I definitely cannot discuss my work at all or it triggers more anger/depression. The only "safe" topic of conversation is his job search, which is a minefield since any suggestions are rejected and sometimes angrily so. His sex drive is practically non-existent due to the depression.

 

So yeah, I get it that true friends (or true lovers) don't jettison you when life f*cks you up, but it's a lot to deal with in a fledgling relationship, especially when it sometimes feels that your very existence is somehow an irritant

Edited October 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ajequals]

I don't think your terrible at all you can't help those who can't help themselves so to speak...the next step he will want you to support him ..stick to your values , it's his loss not making an effort. suppose to be 90 million unfilled jobs out there

[GraceAndJoy]

Certainly no expectation she should financially support him even if she sticks around.

 

Just saying it is in these situations (falling on hard times through bad luck and not a character flaw) where true friendships and bonds are tested, it's easy to be there for someone when times are good.

 

OK, of course it's "easier to be there when times are good" and "friends are there for the hard times." But as a potential life partner, I think this gets to the crux of my situation. Is he in this hard time through bad luck ONLY and not any character flaw? I am dating to find the one for the long road...40 more years God willing we live into our 90s...so how he responds to this situation is a testimony to WHO HE IS. Friends don't have to worry about that. They can be friends through thick and thin but they are not going to be legally and morally bonded to a person to support them in hard times. They will ALWAYS have the choice to bring a lasagna over to say "thinking of you" but not to write a check for $1400 to pay up that person's chid support to their ex! I am looking at someone I could MARRY. And this layoff happened 10 weeks into us dating and I didn't dump him because I knew he was a good person. Now I'm facing 6.5 months of unemployment and savings exhausted, 401K being tapped, no prospects, no money to buy anything so I'm supporting the outings.

 

All of this mention of "who a friend really is" is really not relevant to dating. I care about him and would always be his friend. But am I willing to start pulling him out of financial crisis after a short period of dating because I fell for him romantically when he was stable?

 

After studying successful marriages for a long time, I realize LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. You need two people who are mature and healthy to start a marriage.

[Tamfana]

Well said.

 

He could do contract work. Lots of older people do.

 

I consider his refusal to move for work to be immature. If he has gone through his savings and retirement savings already, his situation is dire and he is not doing his child(ren) any favors by not doing what it takes to work. My exH moved- for advancement, not survival- when our kids were youngish and we all adjusted.

[fromheart]

 

So just saying -- there are PLENTY of guys out there who aren't so messed up themselves that they will make your imperfections their reason to criticize and belittle you.

 

I'm well aware of that. But it does work the other way around, a man looses his status in society and society says that he is a nothing. The OP's partner is in a crisis, and according to Ruby he needs to be forgiven, for some sort of sin that he has committed. In his 50's, lost what sounds like a corporate position, has a kid from a previous marriage which he has to support. Some men in this position end up a suicide statistic. It's not uncommon for a 50 something man's heart to suddenly give out.

 

Ruby's attitude to this man is not unique, it reflects societies attitude to men. 6 months out of work after a few decades of corporate slavery? Scum. Next.

 

That's the same as saying a woman should loose her status, her relationships as her beauty fades. That's obviously nonsense and that's the point I was making.

Edited October 7, 2019 by fromheart