Losing feelings for unemployed boyfriend and feel terrible!

[GraceAndJoy]

I'm well aware of that. But it does work the other way around, a man looses his status in society and society says that he is a nothing. The OP's partner is in a crisis, and according to Ruby he needs to be forgiven, for some sort of sin that he has committed. In his 50's, lost what sounds like a corporate position, has a kid from a previous marriage which he has to support. Some men in this position end up a suicide statistic. It's not uncommon for a 50 something man's heart to suddenly give out.

 

Ruby's attitude to this man is not unique, it reflects societies attitude to men. 6 months out of work after a few decades of corporate slavery? Scum. Next.

 

That's the same as saying a woman should loose her status, her relationships as her beauty fades. That's obviously nonsense and that's the point I was making.

 

OP here, but I don't think Ruby is calling a man out of work scum or a loser. I DON'T think my BF is a nothing! I just feel myself losing hope for a future with him, which is affecting my feelings of love, because I can't support two adults (and our children) on my salary. I only met him 9 months ago and he hasn't been working for the last 6.5 months. We aren't living together, we aren't engaged, and we aren't married, so it's harder to ride through this as it continues to go on and on. Of course I would not leave him if we were engaged/married and this happened. That is what separates dating from vows "for better or worse."

 

Of course I feel horrible that we both developed feelings and then he got hit by this layoff. That's why I made this post in the first place.

[Rayce]

It seems clear to me that this relationship will not weather the storms that life throws at us. You've place a condition on the relationship that he must be working. I once again just suggest you break up with him and find someone who meets your needs better. It is better than leading him on.

[GraceAndJoy]

The condition I have placed on the relationship is NOT that he is working (he hasn't been employed for 6.5 months and I'm with him). The condition is that I FEEL LOVE for him. I am confused as to why I am losing my feelings. This thread has gotten away from my original post.

Edited October 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Gaeta]

OP: You're not getting married tomorrow morning, or anytime soon you've known this man for 9 months. You said you're not helping him in any way so he's not a financial burden on you. What's the rush in judging and sentencing him? And about your feelings disappearing I wonder if you were really in love with him or you were just in love with his image - the guy with a good professional position etc.

 

I am also wondering why you're not helping in small ways. I remember my bf losing his job maybe 4 months into our relationship, it was a difficult couple of months till he got a new one and I helped him in small but meaningful ways like cooking and baking for him, inviting him to do his laundry at my place. I kind of find it sad that you seem to take pride in not having helped him at all, in any way.

 

 

.

[TheFinalWord]

OP,

 

Guy here.

 

I don't think you are obliged to stick around. If you had been dating for years, or were married, that would be one thing. But you have only been dating a few months it sounds like.

 

TBH, if I were him, I would have already broken up with you and told you I can't be what you need right now. If you are still available once I get my feet back on the ground, I hope we can continue to see each other, but if you have moved on, I would understand. Because the longer you two stay together, the more respect you are going to lose for him. If I were him, I would rather cut my loses and hope you were still available after I got my life in order, than to keep dating you and have your respect erode to the point of no return.

 

It isn't PC, but men judge women based on their looks and women judge men based on their success. Maybe it's shallow, but it's rooted in our biology over millions of years of evolution. Many men have come here making similar statements that their woman has gained weight and they are no longer attracted. It's the same way women see men that aren't able to provide. In the weight situation, the advice is almost always to dump the woman. Think of that here as well. Should men give their woman that has gained weight, a diet and exercise plan, or let her sort it out? I think the latter, but that's me.

 

It's natural for you to lose attraction. And he knows it makes him unattractive. He needs to get his life in order before he can even consider dating.

 

Yes, he may have X, Y and Z traits that you are looking for and that are hard to find. I can appreciate that. But he doesn't have the foundational thing that is needed for solid footing and for basic attraction.

Edited October 8, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Rayce]

TBH, if I were him, I would have already broken up with you and told you I can't be what you need right now. If you are still available once I get my feet back on the ground, I hope we can continue to see each other, but if you have moved on, I would understand.

 

Now this is a statement of man who cares about other people...right... I totally agree... as a woman I would totally respect a man who could step up and own his stuff.

[introverted1]

OP, I am not sure how you can figure out what is causing your feelings to wane, short of your bf finding a new job. As long as the jobless situation and all it entails is part of your relationship, it will be very difficult to determine why your feelings have changed. It could just be a natural evolution that would have happened regardless. Or it could be that you are unhappy at some level with how he is responding to the situation. Does it really matter why, though? If your feelings are changing, I don't think you can will them back, no matter how obligated you might feel to try.

Edited October 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[Versacehottie]

I think OP could will her feelings back at some point but a break is probably the best for the prospect of a relationship. It's a risk--that OP won't be available or that he won't feel the same for her if she has not stuck by him in this time. That IMO is more of risk but with more potential upside than sticking around as her feelings are disappearing. Basically i think that would seal the fate of this relationship, i.e. resentment on both sides would build up and it would be unsalvageable.

 

So effectively you two have been dating for 2-3 months when this situation hit. If a guy (or a girl) was on a dating site or here asking for advice about whether to date during their unemployment or a new dating partner's unemployment, i think the majority would say that if a person is in dire straits that they need to take care of business before attempting to date. For all intents and purposes, that's kind of the level you two were at when he lost his job. Maybe the mistake was to continue dating him at that point. Not all yours, nor his but not the best use of finite time he has to SPEND looking for work and dealing with his situation. I think in the long run, i'd be worried about a guy (or girl) who can't do what is hard but right for their life when they are an adult who is responsible for a child and a mortgage among other things. It's hard headed IMO. I can get that he doesn't want to lose you and you him but someone needs to do what is hard. You might have reached the level of where it is silly to expect a normal dating relationship with him and him to expect things to be as normal when they are situation critical. You did what was hard in your divorce situation. IMO this isn't that much different. What's best for you, or the both of you is hard and often a risk. I definitely know couples that have come back together after a break, including ones that involved taking the break to better themselves. Goodluck

[preraph]

You may be losing romantic feeling for him because of a couple of things. One,he's bound to have lost confidence and be depressed and of course, not sexy. Two, you've now had to kind of take a caretaker or mother role, again, not sexy. So all that is understandable. I wish we could all make him get a great job tomorrow in time for you to see if things would improve.

[fromheart]

OP here, but I don't think Ruby is calling a man out of work scum or a loser. I DON'T think my BF is a nothing! I just feel myself losing hope for a future with him, which is affecting my feelings of love, because I can't support two adults (and our children) on my salary. I only met him 9 months ago and he hasn't been working for the last 6.5 months. We aren't living together, we aren't engaged, and we aren't married, so it's harder to ride through this as it continues to go on and on. Of course I would not leave him if we were engaged/married and this happened. That is what separates dating from vows "for better or worse."

 

Of course I feel horrible that we both developed feelings and then he got hit by this layoff. That's why I made this post in the first place.

 

Ok, well you've given him 6 months and he hasn't sorted it out. If his life hits rock bottom again, you'll lose feelings again. Best to set him free.

[GraceAndJoy]

You may be losing romantic feeling for him because of a couple of things. One,he's bound to have lost confidence and be depressed and of course, not sexy. Two, you've now had to kind of take a caretaker or mother role, again, not sexy. So all that is understandable. I wish we could all make him get a great job tomorrow in time for you to see if things would improve.

 

You nailed it, preraph. Dating someone who is depressed and dependent, after knowing them a short time, can kill the feelings. And it happened during a time that I was getting to know him so I don't know what up-down feelings really mean.

 

I have not given him cash but I have been paying for outings and we hardly do outings anymore because I know he doesn't like it, so it's better to just stay in. We cook together all the time and I try to be the one to buy the groceries for the meal. I can afford these things, they are not an issue. I do get a lot of emotional return from the relationship. He is a good person who doesn't deserve what he is going through. I have empathy for him. I am not sure I totally understand his choices with respect to the job search but I know he is a good person with a hopeful attitude and great devotion to his daughter at the core.

 

Besides this stress, everything else is SOOOO good. I have a hard time ending it. I just wish we'd get back to normalcy so I can see what our relationship will become in a normal, healthy environment.

[Highndry]

"When poverty walks in the door, love flies out the window."

 

This guy is in a real tough situation. He's at the age where most employers don't want him. I feel for him.

[gaius]

A few months after I moved down to Florida to date my now wife I got walloped with something completely unexpected and unplanned for. To the point my savings ended up depleted before I could land a job. I went down to the plasma center and let them suck blood out of me for 40 bucks a pop and rode the bus around town every day looking for help wanted signs. Eventually ended up landing a job on the grounds crew for a trailer park, worked my ass off, caught up on rent and transitioned into something better. Then worked my ass off at that and transitioned into something better. I never burdened my wife financially or emotionally and make enough to support us both now. If she decides she wants to stay home.

 

How men respond to a little adversity is often more important than whatever job title they might carry and your man is crumbling like a cookie unfortunately. You have nothing to feel guilty about by feeling turned off. It's only natural.

[Tristian]

30 posts deleted after a request for some house cleaning.

 

While ageism, unfair hiring/firing practices and general dating standards are all valid topics for Loveshack they are not for this thread.

 

This is one persons unique situation that they are seeking advice for, so let's keep the general discussions in our general topic areas.

[fromheart]

 

How men respond to a little adversity is often more important than whatever job title they might carry and your man is crumbling like a cookie unfortunately. You have nothing to feel guilty about by feeling turned off. It's only natural.

 

Very true, and how you react to life's adversities do define you. However, some people aren't concerned about that, they are just looking for the result. Maybe not necessarily the OP but there are certainly some people who are only interested in the success and not the struggle.

[fishlips]

This is a tough situation. You both sound like good people who got stuck in a string of bad luck. Has he said what he wants to do? If he has suggested breaking up, it might be wise to listen to him. If he wants to stick it out, can you handle that?

 

If you were married or dating a long time, I would say to stick with him. However, you've only been dating a short time. If you don't know if he's the one, then it would probably be best to leave. You're frustrated, and he's probably feeling guilty. It's not a good situation for either of you.

[rjc149]

Yes he has no ability to provide resources and security, and fulfill his role as a man. Hence his lack of confidence, his hurt ego, his depression, his dependence on you, and your falling attraction for him.

 

It’s not your fault, or his fault, it just is what it is. I would not feel guilty about it. If I were dating a woman who was kind, thoughtful, sweet and emotionally rewarding, but was stricken by some injury which caused her to be immobile and gain a lot of weight, my attraction for her would fall. It’s okay to be honest about these things.

[GraceAndJoy]

I am not looking for him to provide resources and security to me, just to support himself (and his child) while I support myself (and my child). I can take care of myself and contribute to a shared life together 50/50, and that was my intention when I was looking for someone to date 9 months ago.

 

For those who aren't reading the whole thread, he was laid off exactly 10 weeks after we met (online). I hung in there because he seemed like a great guy. However I am divorced because of my exH's betrayal, so I am not rushing into anything...I have a hard time trusting and being vulnerable again. I really wanted to get to know who he is, what kind of a future we might have, and was looking to really evaluate the relationship. Now 7 months since the layoff, he still isn't working, and it's beginning to affect our dynamic and I find myself losing feelings for him. I am not sure if it's part of the natural course of "honeymoon phase-out" or if it's a result of the dynamic of his depression and our tension due to his unemployment.

 

I am hanging on still however. I just have so much empathy for him--if I break up with him, at his lowest right now, what kind of a person am I? I would never want someone to do that to me.

[Noproblem]

You don't seem to love him enough to stay.

There is no shame in leaving, just make it quick and without any further damage

You are not 21, you don't have all the time of the world to meet many people and waste time on them, if something is not working out for you, it is better to stay single than be in such a relationship.

 

Fare him well and move on.

[Noproblem]

You may be losing romantic feeling for him because of a couple of things. One,he's bound to have lost confidence and be depressed and of course, not sexy. Two, you've now had to kind of take a caretaker or mother role, again, not sexy. So all that is understandable. I wish we could all make him get a great job tomorrow in time for you to see if things would improve.

 

or she is a air/fire sign and she simply got bored with this guy because that's what happens when the relationship becomes boring.

[BluEyeL]

It takes a long time to find another job for a highly educated person over 50 so it's good for you for being patient, and I really hope he can eventually find a job and you guys can start over umder "normal" cicumstances.

 

My friend's husband has been in this horrible situation. He's been laid off from his long time job, and it took 9 months to find another job. He got that job and got fired again after only 3 months. Then, took another few months to find yet another job, where he was at for about 1 year, after being laid off again. Then it took another 9 months to find his current job, which is secure, working for the state, but came with a major pay cut. At least he's not likely to be laid off again.

 

I hope your boyfriend finds a good job very soon! I do not blame you for feeling the way you feel, but good on you for being patient, although you haven't dated long enough for this kind of patience. Hope he was worth it!

[rjc149]

It’s not his inability to provide what is necessary. It’s his inability to provide. A mans sense of masculinity and confidence is closely tied with his ability to be a breadwinner, and protect his brood. Whether or not this is actually necessary for him to do in your relationship, his inability to feel confident in himself as a man is affecting the way he shows up in the relationship, and your attraction to him.

 

If he had a job, a drive, a purpose, and was able to be financially independent and confident in himself, the honeymoon fade in and of itself wouldn’t necessarily be causing you to question your relationship with him.

 

Fact is your emotional bond isn’t strong enough to make you want to weather this with him, and that’s nothing to feel guilty about. Hurting someone isn’t the same as wronging someone.

[spiritedaway2003]

I am hanging on still however. I just have so much empathy for him--if I break up with him, at his lowest right now, what kind of a person am I? I would never want someone to do that to me.

 

I understand where you're coming from. I wouldn't ditch my friends when they are at the lowest either. I would say that friendship is different than a romantic relationship, the latter of which you're in and you're losing all sorts of feelings for the guy. If my (non-existent) boyfriend dumps me now while I'm unemployed (because he is losing feelings for me), that's fine. The timing would suck, of course, but I'd rather that to happen than for him to drag it out. You seemed like a very thoughtful person, but I would just emphasize that empathy and pity are not reasons enough to stay in a relationship when you don't feel strongly enough for him (which you don't yet, because it's still a fairly new relationship and your feelings are, in fact, changing rapidly based on these circumstances). Things would be very different if you had been together in a long term relationship. You're not wrong for feeling what you feel.

 

I hope your boyfriend finds something soon. Perhaps you can see if that makes a difference in reigniting all those feelings you had for him, or if the feelings were never strong enough (because you were seeking for that stability after coming out of your last relationship). Either way, good for you for trying to support him but understand that it's ok if you need to let it go too. These things are hard, so best of luck.

[nospam99]

It takes a long time to find another job for a highly educated person over 50

 

It took me four and a half years. During that time I earned my fourth college degree and became certified as a medical coder (toughest exam I ever took - much harder than ATGSB, GRE, or any college assignment ever). And those new credentials did nothing to get me a job in spite of being 'guaranteed'. The only reason I'm working again now is a 'perfect storm' of circumstances. Agism is real and it sux.

[Rayce]

It took me four and a half years.

 

 

wow nospam…. 4 years! oml how did you keep your sprits up during that time?