GraceAndJoy Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 I'm a 51 year old divorced female. I have been dating a wonderful man for 9 months but he has been unemployed for the last 6.5 months and that is taking its toll on me and I don't know what to do. When I met him he had been working with the same company for 10 years. Seemed secure. I have a secure job that supports me but is not enough to support two people. When we started to date, I was dating to find "the one" and we talked about that early on. We both want to find someone to remarry (both divorced). I was dating to find similar values, backgrounds, interests, etc and of course a kind and honest man (my exH cheated) who I could trust and be vulnerable with. Everything clicked! Then--boom--his company got a new CEO, did some restructuring, and laid him off. He got a short severance package and then no paycheck, no health insurance. Eventually he got a small unemployment income but it's not enough to live on (just his mortgage is 3/4 of his unemployment income). He has been looking for work since the layoff with no luck. He is definitely overqualified for many of the jobs. He has a minor daughter who he has 40% time so he can't move from her school district. He's geographically confined to his small town suburb for living and commute distance for any potential job. Initially I thought it would not take him long to find another job, but now that it's been 6.5 months I am getting worried. He has a mortgage, child support, and regular bills so he's gone through his cash savings and is just about out of money. He will be tapping his small 401K later this month to make ends meet. I have been a cheerleader and devoted girlfriend this whole time. I helped him with his resume and cover letters. I text him warm messages of encouragement all the time. But lately I am feeling this joblessness impacting my feelings. He is beginning to show signs of depression...his mood is very low a lot of the time, and it's even affecting the bedroom. I don't blame him because I know he is so worried but it changes how we express our passion. We can't spend much money on dating so we stay home all the time, unless I offer to pay (which makes him feel bad so he tries to convince me let's not go out, and I usually cave and agree so he won't feel emasculated by me paying for both of us). Mostly, his being uninsured makes me SO SCARED because if something happens to him and he has a big medical issue, it will make him lose everything (unless I step in to help). So even though I felt love for him at the time of the layoff, I am beginning to question if I'm still in love. I'm not sure anymore. I feel like a terrible person for even considering breaking up with him (or taking a break) at a time when he needs moral support. But I never would have gone on the first date if I knew this was going to happen 10 weeks into dating. I don't make enough money to support another person. If we were engaged or married I would definitely do anything, even take a second job, to help support "us", but not for someone I just met. I didn't look out for my own interests in my marriage because I stayed with my exH for six years after discovering his affair while he continued to cheat, discover, apologize, try again, until I finally got the courage to leave. So I vowed to myself after that, to never put myself last again--I need to take care of myself. Am I a terrible person? What would you do?
preraph Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 You have not been with him long enough to mix ANY money with him!! Never mix money with anyone you're not married to. Of course, you do not let him start using your savings for anything! He can file bankruptcy if it comes to that. He could also take two crap jobs to get an income coming in if he was so motivated. He needs to get a job, any job, and if it doesn't pay, two jobs. I'm sure he is depressed, all the more reason he needs to go down the block and take a grocery stocker job or whatever he can get to tide him over. If money comes up (your money) tell him you would never dip into your savings for anyone except a child. And don't marry him. ' I'm not telling you to abandon him, but are you enabling him to be not working by paying bills? If so, then abandon him. You haven't even been with him a year! You're not married to him. Give him a deadline. Tell him, I can't afford this relationship any longer, you need to go get two any type of jobs and get yourself caught up because I'm not living like that. 1
Author GraceAndJoy Posted October 5, 2019 Author Posted October 5, 2019 I'm not telling you to abandon him, but are you enabling him to be not working by paying bills? If so, then abandon him. I have not given him any cash! I am not paying for anything except if I feel like going out to dinner, I tell him "I feel like XYZ tonight, let's go, it's my treat" because he can't afford to go out. He is respectful and if he agrees to go he orders in the lower priced items on the menu and thanks me when the check comes and I get it. He makes enough with his unemployment check that if he got a job at a grocery store, he would not be making anything additional. He would have to work two such jobs to come out ahead. I know he has the work ethic (from his pre-parenthood day stories) but he is very devoted to his child so he wants to be available to parent her during his possession times, which makes it impossible to work evenings/nights (he has no support system for babysitting). UGH
Rayce Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 I understand how hard this must be for you. You are just dating so I agree with preraph do not start supporting him in any fashion. Maybe he needs to get into his 401(k) to survive. His money problems should not be a concern to you even after 9 months of dating. I am not sure how to approach the situation. You need to do what is best for you. I can empathize with your bf since I am now 10 months into unemployment myself and having the same issues as you bf. I am sure for him it is devastating. I speak from experience.... many corporations are "restructuring" then they lay off the 50 plus group. It is playing out all over cooperate America. It happened to me... Being employed in my 50's has been one of the hardest things I have ever faced. This is the 2nd round of lay off for me. The last time (in my early 50's) my unemployment lasted 2 years. Eventually I did find a job and I am sure this time I will find a job again. I am certain your bf will find another job unless he is just ready to retire. I am having issues trying to wrap my head around that mindset. I am not ready to retire but I can’t find a job…. So yeah sometimes the depression is hard to battle but it needs to be done. I just forge forward... for me that's art class, piano and photograph. Maybe he needs some sort of distraction from the job hunt. Hope it all works out for you. Good luck.
spiritedaway2003 Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 You're not a terrible person for feeling this way. It's not easy being unemployed. In my case, I can hold out for a job since I'm in a relatively stable place financially. Even so, the process can take some thing and can feel depressing at times. There's no need for you to mix money with him. You're not obligated in any way, shape or form. If I had an unexpected setback in life (like a layoff), I'd want my s/o to help me through. Not financially, but at least for that moral support. But I'd also want to know if he wants to leave. If we are unable to weather a small setback like that, then we probably won't be compatible for the long term. I wouldn't blame him at all if we had just been dating for a short period of time. I'd just rather want to know sooner than later. Talk to him. And if you feel so unsettled that you want a break (or break up), then so be it. You're not a horrible person for feeling this way. Best of luck.
Flame Aura Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 (edited) I find it hard to believe that he cannot find anything? Not even to work in a supermarket or restaurant or retail etc? Exactly what kind of jobs is he applying for? He should be taking anything, even if its minimum wage, just to have an income while he looks for something more suitable. How serious is he about finding a job? As when I didn't have one, searching was a full time job in itself, spending 5-6 hours a day, every day, searching and applying. Edited October 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed spacing
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 I find it hard to believe that he cannot find anything? Not even to work in a supermarket or restaurant or retail etc? Exactly what kind of jobs is he applying for? He should be taking anything, even if its minimum wage, just to have an income while he looks for something more suitable. How serious is he about finding a job? As when I didn't have one, searching was a full time job in itself, spending 5-6 hours a day, every day, searching and applying. He might be better off taking the unemployment and using the hours of the day to find a job. He probably wouldn't make much more at a supermarket than he's making with unemployment. This is a really tough spot to be in. For both of you . 1
preraph Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 Good, glad you're not giving him money and don't be paying his bills. Any job is better than the unemployment check because it's easier to get a job if you have a job, even if it's a terrible job. It shows anyone with a head on their shoulders (boss but maybe not some HR types) that you are not lazy and want to work. And that's why I said two jobs. Plus if he takes a job and exceeds at it you never know but that it could lead to something much better. Tell him to go apply at warehouses if he's still able to lift boxes. Every town has a warehouse district and they're usually hiring. Pick one with an attached headquarters (offices) preferably because I've worked in that setting plenty and there was always room to move up and out of the warehouse if the company was growing. Tell him to talk to a temp agency and be prepared to drive as much as 60 miles to work. He can make $15 an hour or more doing that. 1
Author GraceAndJoy Posted October 5, 2019 Author Posted October 5, 2019 I find it hard to believe that he cannot find anything? Not even to work in a supermarket or restaurant or retail etc? Exactly what kind of jobs is he applying for? He should be taking anything, even if its minimum wage, just to have an income while he looks for something more suitable. How serious is he about finding a job? As when I didn't have one, searching was a full time job in itself, spending 5-6 hours a day, every day, searching and applying. He has applied to hundreds of jobs and had 14 interviews. No luck. He's 50 years old and has an MBA so it's hard to find a comparable position. He has applied to lower level similar discipline jobs that would just pay the bills, but they never call him for an interview. In the couple of instances they did call him and he interviewed, they indicated that he was overqualified. They think he would jump ship in short order if he got something better, I guess. If he went to work at a supermarket or restaurant, his unemployment income would stop. It's more than minimum wage. It makes no sense unless he can make more than what he is making from that, and if the restaurant job includes evenings he would have to pay a babysitter who can drive to take his child to extracurriculars, etc. 1
spiritedaway2003 Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 He might be better off taking the unemployment and using the hours of the day to find a job. He probably wouldn't make much more at a supermarket than he's making with unemployment. This is a really tough spot to be in. For both of you . Agreed 100% with this. It's a 'process' to find a job that's the right fit, but worth the time and investment if one can afford to do so. It's a tough spot, OP. Separately, you really don't need to feel like a horrible person for feeling this way. Even if you lose your feelings for him over this, it's OK too. It just means that your feelings for him might not have been as strong or as deep you as you think. FWIW, I would add if my non-existent bf wanted to take a break while I have this setback, it'd be a 'breakup' and not a break. I wouldn't fault him for how he feels about the situation, but I wouldn't get back with him after I find a job. 1
Author GraceAndJoy Posted October 6, 2019 Author Posted October 6, 2019 Even if you lose your feelings for him over this, it's OK too. It just means that your feelings for him might not have been as strong or as deep you as you think. Sometimes I wonder if I've just moved past the honeymoon stage and in a normal (both employed) situation I would have already broken up with him because he's not "the one". Did I lose feelings because of how we interact now, since his layoff? Or did I just move out of the infatuation stage and I feel guilty for breaking up with a man who needs moral support? And if the unemployment moves into 12 months, 18 months, 24 months, will I ever be able to tell? 1
Rayce Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 Maybe the unemployment situation has played a part but really it sounds like your heart is not in it. That's ok. It would be better to break it off than to lead him on. 2
Author GraceAndJoy Posted October 6, 2019 Author Posted October 6, 2019 Tell him to go apply at warehouses if he's still able to lift boxes. Every town has a warehouse district and they're usually hiring. Pick one with an attached headquarters (offices) preferably because I've worked in that setting plenty and there was always room to move up and out of the warehouse if the company was growing. Tell him to talk to a temp agency and be prepared to drive as much as 60 miles to work. He can make $15 an hour or more doing that. This is a good idea! But I think he would need a second job. His bills require more income than that. His child support and mortgage are BIG expenses and he really needs to get health insurance on the exchange because at his age it's just a matter of time before he will need to use it
Happy Lemming Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 He's 50 years old... I going to be honest, its really hard for people 50 and older to find work in their field. Companies don't seem to want older workers. I do believe he has applied to hundred of jobs, so has my girlfriend (over 50) when she got laid off. She never found anything, but she has "family money" that she utilized until she could retire and collect Social Security. You haven't been dating all that long, I know you care about him, but things are not going to get better; they are going to get much worse. This situation is beyond your control and not your responsibility, its time to say good-bye. You are not a terrible person... You are a person that has been put in a terrible situation that is not of your own doing. Seek happiness elsewhere. 4
preraph Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 I've had a second job most of my life, a full one and a very part-time one. On the little jobs, even 15 hours a week at $8 an hour is $5000 a year. It all counts. On second jobs, I used to (I'm 68 now, still working two jobs) pick something new so I'd be trained in something new. You never know when something will work out or turn into something. He could take a seasonal job. It's almost Christmas. Every warehouse that caters to retail will be needing extra help. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 This is a good idea! But I think he would need a second job. His bills require more income than that. His child support and mortgage are BIG expenses and he really needs to get health insurance on the exchange because at his age it's just a matter of time before he will need to use it I've been self employed for 7 years and stopped being able to afford health insurance when the ACA took effect. Now I do a healthcare sharing ministry at $150/month. Everything is out of pocket for me (although greatly discounted since I am self pay) and if I have a major illness or injury it will be covered 100% through the healthcare sharing ministry. There are many out there. He may want to look into this. What I pay yearly for my routine healthcare is still way less than what my premiums and deductibles were with what I could get through the Exchange (since I am not close to the poverty level with my income). 1
nospam99 Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 Suggestion: civil service. I'm sure it varies from state to state. In NY you take tests, get on 'lists', and the agencies are legally required to canvass you. I saved a lot in my 'good years' so I have a pension, investment income, and a lot of $ in 401ks, 403bs, and IRAs. So I lived off that until I finally got a 'not bad' job through civil service (applied for 100s of jobs in my field but hit the agism roadblock). I actually got another civil service job VERY quickly but it was a 13 hour day: 3 hours to get the work done, 5 hour commute, and 5 hours staring at the computer in total boredom. If I didn't have the savings safety net I could have stuck with that but between the long hours, stress, and being sedentary it was physically unhealthy. But sometimes a person has to sacrifice (health? relationships? home maintenance?) to pay the bills. 2
Gaeta Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 If he wants to work in his field then he needs to move where work is. He's got to do what he's got to do. He can get his child on weekends, summers and holidays. The ex won't mind if it means a good child support check. He's already been out of work for 6 months, it won't look good on his resume to have a full year or 2 full years of nothing. 1
spiritedaway2003 Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 Sometimes I wonder if I've just moved past the honeymoon stage and in a normal (both employed) situation I would have already broken up with him because he's not "the one". If you know he's not "the one", he's not the one. A layoff is not a a big setback to me in the grand scheme of things, but it's best to make a break if it's already impacting your feelings. Don't feel guilty about breaking up because you think he needs the moral support. What if he's still unemployed for another 24 months, would you stay with him for another 24 months to give him the moral support? That's not on you. I know it seems cruel to break up with someone when you think they are down. If you reverse the situation, would you want someone to date or stay with you if you knew they were mostly hanging in there for that "moral support" reason? 2
Author GraceAndJoy Posted October 6, 2019 Author Posted October 6, 2019 If he wants to work in his field then he needs to move where work is. He's got to do what he's got to do. He can get his child on weekends, summers and holidays. The ex won't mind if it means a good child support check. I have mentioned this to him. He gets very hurt that I would suggest he cut back on time with his child. He says that she is his whole world and he would do anything for her. She has a lot of extracurricular activities that would end if she had to go stay away from her hometown with him on weekends, or else he would have to let her mother keep her those times. He cherishes every hour with her. I feel unable to convince him that he's drowning and he needs to put his own lifevest on first, before his child's lifevest (which is really a quality time vest). I have backed away from this discussion because he looks at me like I'm so cruel for suggesting it. I think this difference in "values" is also one of the reasons I am losing feelings. Survival first, everything else later, is my value system. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 I agree he could find something in 6 months. Even basic gig jobs these days can pay a reasonable wage if one is willing to work hard. I myself am working extra on the side so I can better prepare myself to weather financial storms like this in the future. I understand your feelings fading. I'd be inclined to pull back so he has more time to focus on what he should have done months ago - secure his income.
Author GraceAndJoy Posted October 6, 2019 Author Posted October 6, 2019 I going to be honest, its really hard for people 50 and older to find work in their field. Companies don't seem to want older workers. I do believe he has applied to hundred of jobs, so has my girlfriend (over 50) when she got laid off. She never found anything, but she has "family money" that she utilized until she could retire and collect Social Security. Oh my gosh, this scares the $h*t out of me. His parents are blue collar workers who can't help him (he was first generation college student who worked full time to send him self through college and master's degree and one of the reasons I so admired him!). He is only 50 and can't retire early, his 401K is way too small. The divorce was expensive and he didn't get a lot from it. In all of this, I have neglected to mention that he is a really hard worker. He is kind and compassionate and chivalrous. He treats me like a princess. He has so many traits that I was looking for in a boyfriend. I don't know if I will ever meet anyone like him again. It's hard to date at 51 years old! A lot of men that were wanting to date me were 10 years older than me and he is my age. I could see a long and happy future with him. I just don't know if I can make it through this period. I appreciate nospam's suggestion of switching to a career in civil service. He mentioned high school teaching once in passing. I may bring that up again, as a career change.
Maggiemay1 Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 He has applied to hundreds of jobs and had 14 interviews. No luck. He's 50 years old and has an MBA so it's hard to find a comparable position. He has applied to lower level similar discipline jobs that would just pay the bills, but they never call him for an interview. In the couple of instances they did call him and he interviewed, they indicated that he was overqualified. They think he would jump ship in short order if he got something better, I guess. The problem as I see it is that I assume he has only one resume. Can you help him prepare another one? One that downplays his previous roles to not make him look overqualified? Has he joined an employment agency? The other thing you should consider is that you are still within a honeymoon phase of the relationship and even if he had not lost his job , your feelings might have shifted? Also , in your current position , what are the positives of being in the relationship now? You have only mentioned the negatives. 1
elaine567 Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 Companies do not want to hire older workers, especially into higher paid jobs as many older people are often "set in their ways" and will not take instruction easily. They may also be deemed not fit enough for the job, mentally or physically. Better to hire the "hungry" and often cheaper young guy, than hire the "burnt out" older guy... Also many of the people handing out jobs will not employ a person who is more experienced or better qualified than they are, as they need to protect their own job. He may need to do what others have had to do and that is to start his own business. Create his own job essentially. 1
nospam99 Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 Overqualification: It's easy to 'dumb down' a resume. I have six. When I got my latest degree (AAS in Electrical Technology - 'guaranteed' to get a job - HA!) while unemployed, my PhD professor advised me to leave my Masters DEGREES off the resumes I'd use for electrotech job applications. I can't speak for OP's BF, but I found it much more difficult to 'dumb down' me in interviews. I never developed the skill to 'strategically pretend' that I didn't immediately understand the business processes and typical problems of the organizations I was interviewing with. One 'dumb down' tactic which seemed to help was to stop 'dressing up' (sports jacket, white shirt, tie, black wingtips) for interviews. The job I finally got (and still have now but it could end tomorrow) was the first interview where my project management experience was a plus. Well, that and being first on the civil service list - you can never tell why you got or didn't get a job - same as a date. 1
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