Annie15 Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 heah.. a few months ago I became suspicious that my husband was having an affair. It is the 1st time I have ever thought such a thing. I felt physically ill, and am still having such a hard time with the whole situation...here's what happened.... My husband went out after work one evening for drinks with his co-workers...this in & of itself didn't bother me, but when he arrived home at 1 in the morning, he was talking on his cell to someone...I could tell that he was talking to a woman just by the way he was talking...when he came up to bed, I asked him who he was talking to so late...his response was his "boss". I knew immediately it was a lie...when he went to sleep, I looked at his cell phone & wrote down the last number that he had called...it was a woman from his office. I confronted him about it the next evening...asked him why he had lied to me about it...he said he lied because he "didn't want to have the kind of conversation that we were having". He swears up & down that he isn't involved with this woman.... I found that even after a couple of weeks, I just couldn't let go of my bad feelings about the whole situation...so I wrote my husband a letter to get out all my feelings.....when he finally responded to me, he told me that he is unsure of how he feels about our relationship. He said that although he hasn't had an affair, he has been thinking about it. He says that there is a void in his life that he doesn't know how to fill.... I'm lost...I scared...I think he's lying to me & that he's having or has had an affair...I wish he'd just tell me... Should I keep bringing this up with him?
OldEurope Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Annie, Spare yourself the dragged out, hopeless experiences that you will read on this forum regarding infidelity and be very pro active, your self respect and dignity the first and foremost thing on your mind. Stand up, smooth your skirt, pack a bag, and move out for several weeks--is a small hotel or a relative's place a possibility? Leaving as a temporary but strong gesture is a win win situation. You spare yourself the dumb, exhausting "answer-me!" domestic drama, you will "test" the authenticity of his love, of his feelings, and both of you will automatically have the space and distance to reflect on what is worth fighting for and what is not. And you above all show to him that you do not have to put up with lies and vagueness if you do not want. You will win this way. As for all the What Ifs in your mind...As my mother used to say, "If you have to ask, you have your answer". Instinct, like Mother Nature herself, is too powerful a force. That gut of yours is a kind of primal vibe where "reason" sends us in too many "possible" directions. You can question up down sideways and backwards whether he did or he didn't (and often in these situations, it will turn out he did have an affair and is just denying the hell out of it)...but the point is, you are worried enough to feel insecure and that alone is not what a good marriage does or two people in love should do to each other. Take a break, and step away from this. If he cannot respect your wishes to know the truth, then you should not HONOR him with your presence, your love. THAT is to be won, to be appreciated, not taken advantage of. And if he really truly desires to be with someone else, you will know in this way far sooner than most women who cling to "hope" and you will maintain your dignity. The truth always outs. But sometimes, it outs quicker when you give it a swift kick in the ass. O E
HotCaliGirl Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 I agree with OldEurope completely, but instead of you moving out, I think you should give HIM "a swift kick in the ass" and have him temporarily move out until he decides if he wants to stay with you, and if you decide you'll take a cheating husband back. Why should you be the one so inconvenienced when he's the one causing the problems? It'll just make things more convenient for him, he'll bring his co-worker to your house while you're away. Don't let him treat you with such disrespect. Don't let anybody treat you the way he is. You still love him so you want to give it a chance, but if he still loved you, he wouldn't have told you that he's thinking of ending the marriage, on top of the affair.
mopar crazy Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 So sorry you are going through this. I have to agree w/ the last two replies you have gotten but I can't really agree to you, or him, moving out. Right now you have no proof that he is actually having an A so right now you really need to keep your eyes open. If you move out that gives him the perfect opprotunity to have an A w/ this woman, if he hasn't already, and what's worse if he decides to have an A w/ her do you want it going on in your home? If you kick his a$$ to the curb he will have a perfect opprotunity to have an A or continue it. I kicked my H out of our home when I heard the rumors of his A (he wanted a D also but was having second thoughts). I told him if he didn't want the M then he needed to move out. Well, I should of never done that b/c b4 I even kicked him out friends were telling me that him and his female asst were having an A. If I would of let him stay there, tried to work on the M myself (instead of the exOW getting involved like she did), he wouldn't have had such a perfect opprotunity to cheat. I am sure he would of found a way to have sex w/ her, but it just wouldn't of been as easy. IF he was gone all hours of the night or whatever I would know something was going on. We could of worked on our M instead of me practicually pushing my H into the exOW arms. I read on some infedility site that if you suspect your spouse is unfaithful not to kick them out or move out yourself b/c it's easier to find out if they are truely having an A. You need to do what is best for you and I hope that you and your H can work on your M. If he feels he is missing something w/in your M he needs to talk to you about it and not go to this OW to fill that void. You should consider marriage counseling also. GL
Ladyjane14 Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 I don't have enough time to post this morning, but I do have some ideas for you. Don't do anything precipitous yet.
OldEurope Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 I must disagree here vehemently with Mopar Crazy. To say that by leaving "gives him a chance to have the affair" only underscores the fact that he has had or is fast heading in the direction of having one--Annie's household presence not being a factor one way or another. If that is the case, then your or his staying in the house means nothing, he would have it anyway. I mean, what if your job took you away for a while. Is that then open season for him to cheat? No--a committed man remains committed. Staying does not "prevent" a man from having an affair if his mind is set on that. You become an obstacle, an inconvenience, but you will not stop that affair (if it is happening or going to). Mopar writes that had she stayed, this would have thwarted chances for the A of her husband to have developed. I say, where there is a will there is a way. Lady Jane writes that there is no full proof of an affair yet. And yet this husband is being extremely unkind, unfair in his vagueness, his cryptic talk and his "threat" to have an affair. Is that not enough, that kind of treatment? The women on this forum are constantly "hoping" and turning the other cheek, and going against instinct, only to write back some days or weeks later that those initial hunches were correct OR that they wasted time milling and mulling about when they should have taken earlier action. I am not advocating being rash, I am saying that it is a very good idea to go away, as if on a break from this unacceptable behavior of his--a mental and psychic vacation. The burden of saving the relationship should be on his devoted, regretful actions that then follow(or not), and not on your silent hand-wringing, stalking about checking pockets and wondering Who What Where When? all night long as he snores away. Go, and go first class.
sylviaguardian Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Hang on a minute... we DON'T know that her husband is having an affair. In my opinion if she asked him whether he was and he answered that he was thinking about it, that seems to me to be a pretty honest response. If he was already having an affair, I think he would be more likely to try to cover it up and say it was nothing. I agree with the poster who said that kicking him out just lets him do whatever he wants. At the moment he seems unsure. You two need to talk, talk, talk. Is there any chance you could go to marriage counselling? Sylvia
Ladyjane14 Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Lady Jane writes that there is no full proof of an affair yet. And yet this husband is being extremely unkind, unfair in his vagueness, his cryptic talk and his "threat" to have an affair. Is that not enough, that kind of treatment? Weird....I don't remember writing that. I think what I posted was this: I don't have enough time to post this morning, but I do have some ideas for you. Don't do anything precipitous yet. But truly, we don't know what the status is in regards to possible infidelity at this time. It is a HUGE mistake to accuse without proof though. Accusations without a basis in fact will only exacerbate the problem. The line of thought on the part of the accused could be, "If I'm already doing the time....I might as well do the crime." But even worse than that, when you accuse without proof, your give concrete evidence to the WS (wayward spouse) that you have ZERO understanding of the problem....not only in regards to the facts, but also in regards to their emotions. And if all that weren't enough....you end up driving the alleged affair even further underground. It's hard enough already to get the truth, the last thing you want to do is to tip a cheater off to the fact that you're on to them. Let's assume, for the moment, that your husband IS committing adultery. If not the full-on PA (physical affair), then possibly an EA (emotional affair). Cheaters will lie until you rub the truth on their noses. And while that may not hold true for EVERY cheater....it includes the majority of them. I am in agreement with Old Europe and the other posters who expressed a complete nontolerance of allowing your mate to cheat on you without repercussions. When your spouse is having an affair, at some point you MUST be willing to end the marriage. It's either that, or continue to allow an interloper to involve herself intimately in YOUR life and marriage. But there is work to be done first. It's the willingness to end the marriage that your partner will eventually respond to, because he can't have both you AND another woman. He already knows that. He's on the fence, trying to decide what he wants. He's unhappy for whatever reason, and he's attracted to someone else. His mind is full of fog....and he's re-writing the history of your relationship in an effort to blame the Marriage. There are a myriad of reasons why your husband might be experiencing dissatisfaction. Some will be with good cause as in the case of unmet ENs (Emotional Needs). Some will be beyond his ken, mere symptoms of internal struggles, as in the case of depression or midlife crisis. He, himself, may not be able to identify the true reasons he's unhappy. The first thing you have to do is to GET THE FACTS. This will require some investigative work on your part. There are lots of things you can do. Some are fairly simple, like obtaining the detail records on his cell phone. And some are more complicated and might require the help of a private investigator. If you'd like more information on investigative techniques, give us a post. (Unfortunately, out of necessity, LS has lots of members who have gained experience in this.) The bottom line is that you can't fight what you can't see. You need the facts. In the meantime, it's important that you make a decision on how valuable the marriage is to you. Reconciling a marriage after infidelity is a difficult process at best. The knee-jerk reaction for most BS's (betrayed spouses) is to fix it at all costs. It's a good thing to spend time in thinking about this. Is it REALLY what you want to do or not? You may decide that you're actually better off without him. Who knows. But it's worth the time spent in introspection to find out. If the marriage is valuable to you, and you do want to save it....you need to show your husband what a GREAT person you are......and you need to do it BEFORE you show him the door. Involuntary separation can be a wonderful tool. But it won't work if he carries a NEGATIVE perception of what he's leaving behind out the door with him. That's just a case of "good riddance"....and you don't want that. You need to identify the problems in the relationship. If ENs are unmet....you need to start meeting them. If you're not an attractive alternative to the chaos of an unknown future, then what's stopping him from exploring his options? It SUCKS to be on the receiving end of that kind of uncertainty. It SUCKS when your spouse's fidelity and love are no longer guaranteed. Because they really should be. He made vows that said so. The sad facts are....that the actions that will actually help the situation seldom feel natural. To further your goals.....you can't allow yourself to be reactive. You can't allow yourself to wallow in the pain. And it's a struggle to be emotionally supportive and understanding of a man who looks you in the face and says, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." But, depending on the situation, that could be what you have to do. While he's 'on the fence' there's plenty of time to put your best foot forward and do some problem-solving. If he jumps down off the fence....into someone else's yard.....then it's time for plan B.
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 All I can say is moving out is a mistake. You'll push him to her and things could happen. What you need to do is find out if the OW is married or not. If she is, let HER know that if she doesn't leave your husband alone, you will contact her spouse and tell him what she's doing. If she's single then you tell your husband to STOP IT! Marriage counselling is what you both need. He's telling you that something is missing from the marriage and I think if you love him and want him still you have to fight for him. This isn't your fault. Though maybe instead of blaming right now, find out what it is that is missing. Ask him to be a complete open book with you and not hold back, even if it hurts your feelings...Not knowing is worse than knowing. Atleast when one knows what is really happening they can face it, deal with it and work through the issues. How long have you been married? Do you have children? This could be bordem, midlifecrisis, but whatever it is has to be fixed. He does need a kick in the butt, but moving out or kicking him out isn't the answer.
mopar crazy Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 All I can say is moving out is a mistake. You'll push him to her and things could happen. What you need to do is find out if the OW is married or not. If she is, let HER know that if she doesn't leave your husband alone, you will contact her spouse and tell him what she's doing. If she's single then you tell your husband to STOP IT! Marriage counselling is what you both need. He's telling you that something is missing from the marriage and I think if you love him and want him still you have to fight for him. This isn't your fault. Though maybe instead of blaming right now, find out what it is that is missing. Ask him to be a complete open book with you and not hold back, even if it hurts your feelings...Not knowing is worse than knowing. Atleast when one knows what is really happening they can face it, deal with it and work through the issues. How long have you been married? Do you have children? This could be bordem, midlifecrisis, but whatever it is has to be fixed. He does need a kick in the butt, but moving out or kicking him out isn't the answer. OldEurope, that is fine if you don't agree w/ me, I am still standing on my opinion and I am also agreeing w/ WWIU w/ hers too. The original poster does not know for sure if her H is having an A, she only knows what he has told her. Her and her H need to go to counseling to see why her H feels like he wants to have an A. There is obiviously some M problems going on and they need help figuring out what it is. My H's PA didn't start until I kicked him out of our home. My H said he wanted a D and that is why I kicked him out. At first he wanted to stay living w/ me but I told him if he wanted a D to pack his things and get out. We lived 2gether for a week after he told me he wanted a D and he finally moved out and that was when the PA started. If he never said he wanted a D and I heard he was having an A w/ the OW the last thing I would of done is kicked him out b/c I knew once I did that he would have more opprotunities to be w/ the OW. It would of been a lot easier to find out if my H was having an A if we were living 2gether. Maybe you don't agree, but I know my H more than anyone and I would know. If my H admitted to having an A I would of kicked him out b/c I had the facts he was having an A. If she doesn't have facts of his A what is the point of moving out, or kicking him out? Her and her H need to get MC to figure out what is going on between them.
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 While outside having a smoke, I thought of something I'd like to add... The flip side is, if this hasn't turned physical yet, right now is the BEST time to save the marriage. You can lay it all out for him! Tell him right off the bat, if he walks out the door to pursue this woman, there's a good chance you won't be there when comes home. Fight for him! Tell him the funk he's in can be fixed, but chasing skirts and hoping to get laid for some excitement isn't going to fix things, it will RUIN things! You've got history together, family, friends, neighbours, a life together. This OW has NOTHING! She doesn't know him like you do, she isn't there day in and day out, she doesn't get to see the good/bad/ugly. Just like right now he can't even imagine anything negative about this OW. So, keep that in mind. You have ALL the power right now. You love him. He's yours. Not hers! Suggest to him to come on here and read your post and all the replies. I'll bet it will open his eyes abit. Or if you're not comfy with that, print it out so he can read. That way you still have your privacy here, and a place to vent. SO many BS's say, "If only they'd spoken up before, if only I'd known things weren't good." Well, the red flag is there, he's unhappy. Again, not your fault, but he has made you aware of how he feels. Not in a good way, but most men cannot communicate their feelings. So, he needs the fire lit under his a$$! I truely believe your marriage can be fixed, don't give up! You got alot of support and some good advice, so keep posting and I hope you're doing alright.
Author Annie15 Posted October 3, 2005 Author Posted October 3, 2005 I just wanted to say thank you to everyone...your insights & thoughts have been a great help to me....I will be talking to my husband about all of this tonight.... I just need to know...even if I get an answer that I don't want to hear... Thanks Annie
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