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How to handle dating a nice guy with a leeching family


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Posted

Dating a wonderful guy who have a leeching family. Super nice and generous guy but always complain about selfish family members yet won’t tell them no and keeps complaining.

 

In my head THE solution is tell them no. The end.

 

But he always have an “excuse” and keeps complaining.

 

So does he just want to vent? Am I suppose to just remain a good listener and be empathetic And hold my tongue? Because I already mentioned the solution atleast twice but he still complaining so talking just seems pointless :confused:

 

Anybody else date a guy like this and how do you handle it? Thanks

Posted
Dating a wonderful guy who have a leeching family. Super nice and generous guy but always complain about selfish family members yet won’t tell them no and keeps complaining.

 

In my head THE solution is tell them no. The end.

 

But he always have an “excuse” and keeps complaining.

 

So does he just want to vent? Am I suppose to just remain a good listener and be empathetic And hold my tongue? Because I already mentioned the solution atleast twice but he still complaining so talking just seems pointless :confused:

 

Anybody else date a guy like this and how do you handle it? Thanks

 

Mhm... I would just say it again and while you say it tell him that this would be the last time and if he stills complains just leave him.

Posted

My boyfriend. His family is asking a lot of him, and if he doesn't, he's the bad guy and everyone one is against him... and sadly, it feels he has a hard time with having his whole family seeing him as the a**hole, especially since it would prevent him from seeing his niece and nephew.

 

At first, I would give my opinion : "Stop saying yes", "Put your feet down", "State your limits"... but I felt it was becoming a fighting subject between us. I come from an understanding family, so I don't know what it's like to be in his shoes, and if I was in his family dynamic, I might be doing the same... I don't know.

 

At some point, I told him that I would stop giving my opinion because it's his family, not mine, and I don't want to influence his choice and become a fighting subject between them. Now I just listen, validate his frustration, but I keep it at that. Sometimes it pisses me off the way they treat him, I'll tell him, but I won't offer any advice.

Posted

In my household, his behaviour would be met with "if you're not going to do anything about it, stop complaining". If the behaviour continued, then it would be met with the added "because I don't want to hear about it". (I was inclined to grumble but not make changes, but hubby shut it down quickly. It was a good lesson to learn)

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Posted

He's venting to you/thinking out loud. He has no intention on changing tack with them.--if he did, it'd be handled by now.

 

If he won't check his family, then he needs to keep his frustration with them to himself.

 

He's heard your thoughts on it, but is unwilling to do anything other than whine about it to you because you listen to the whining.

 

Stop giving him an audience when he complains about them. Just say "wow, sucks for you..." and keep it moving.

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Posted

Well, don't ever mix money with him or have a kid or marry him if he can't say no to leeching relatives. That, to me, is too weak and he'll always be taken advantage of. I say he's not a keeper.

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Posted
Well, don't ever mix money with him or have a kid or marry him if he can't say no to leeching relatives.

Yes! That's just asking for an extra helping of hell...

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Posted

Yeah, this is why you date someone long enough to find out stuff like this that might be a dealbreaker.

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Posted

so I don't know what it's like to be in his shoes,

 

Now I just listen, validate his frustration, but I keep it at that.

 

I can’t relate at all to his “problem”. I’ll admit...I live in a bubble of love and happiness. The family (that I claim) we just don’t do each other like that and if there is someone I just so happen to be related by blood to that is extremely selfish and a user I wouldn’t know because I more than likely do not associate with that family member. So when he talks about his family on so many levels I think to myself “my family don’t do that/I wouldn’t keep someone like that around me”. And unfortunately for him it’s not distant family members. Im talking parents, siblings, close uncle/cousin type leeching smh.

 

So I am at the point of just listening everytime he wants to vent and nothing more than that as well. A solution or atleast the solution I personally would take is just not where he is at right now. And it just seems futile to keep reiterating my point about how he can stop this from reoccurring. And I will admit it’s very hard for me to feel genuine empathy on the inside when someone complains about a problem that can be fixed. I can at the least understand how the problem cause discomfort. I can even understand being afraid of the alternatives and how a resolution can bring about discomfort as well. But I just find it very annoying to keep talking about something you can fix but won’t.

 

So I guess I’m just trying to figure out how to be a damn human being when he just wants to vent lol.

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Posted
In my household, his behaviour would be met with "if you're not going to do anything about it, stop complaining". If the behaviour continued, then it would be met with the added "because I don't want to hear about it". (I was inclined to grumble but not make changes, but hubby shut it down quickly. It was a good lesson to learn)

 

Lmao hubby like basil I’m not here for this :lmao:

 

I just may have to adopt that response if it becomes too much to listen to

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Posted

 

Stop giving him an audience when he complains about them. Just say "wow, sucks for you..." and keep it moving.

 

I guess a part of me does feels like the “right thing” to do when you are cultivating a relationship whether that’s a partner/family member/friend is to be understanding, a good listener, and accepting of another’s differences/flaws

 

But

 

I do have my limits. If it does become something I am literally sick and tired of I may have to use that response.

 

His complaints though annoying just doesn’t feel like a boundary to me...yet.

Posted

I have never been in your situation but lately my bf reminded me that when he shares a frustration with me he doesn't wish I find him a solution, he just wants me to listen.

 

That being said as your relationship moves on his family will become your family, then it might be harder to ignore.

 

.

Posted

I've had serious relationships with men who had boundary problems with their family. Only one of them learned to establish proper healthy boundaries. Another made some improvement over many years. Another hardly improved it at all.

 

I think family dynamics die hard, don't change easily.

 

Dave Ramsey frequently recommends the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud.

 

Definitely pay attention to how his family's intrusions affect his adult independence and ability to maintain a healthy relationship with you.

Posted

Be easy on the guy.. it's his family and there are dynamics there that only he can comprehend.

I do think there is something to the fact he is complaining when he really should do something about it but then it is his family...

 

A million years ago I used to do family and friends favors by fixing things, appliances, stereos, computers or whatever.. I could fix it all and go down to the chip level on circuit boards and do the repairs..

I never took money for them but I could never say no... TILL... one day I realized that I was staying up till midnight-2am every night fixing things people should just throw out and I wasn't getting anything from having my living room filled up with their microwaves and crap...

 

I started saying no and cleared it all out and have never fixed another thing for any of them.. ever again..

That was about 25 or so years ago and they no longer even ask..

 

So my advice is that he needs to just start saying "sorry", "no", "I can't right now", "I'm too busy"

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Posted
Yeah, this is why you date someone long enough to find out stuff like this that might be a dealbreaker.

 

I agree. Definitely not ignoring what I see right now. But I don’t see his flaws as a deal breaker...yet. Simply because he has made comments about cutting them off specially when he gets married. So there is at-least an admittance that it shouldn’t go on. No guarantees of course. Could just be talk or he just may do what he said or we may not be a “we” in the future lol. If me and him even get to that level of wanting to merge our lives together then I imagine those family members will be a conversation and if he is unable to say no then that would be a deal breaker to me. But right now he seems like a good guy who’s current vice is that he is too nice. I like him and I’m taking my sweet time getting to know him and enjoying the journey along the way and see what happens. *shrugs*.

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Posted
I have never been in your situation but lately my bf reminded me that when he shares a frustration with me he doesn't wish I find him a solution, he just wants me to listen.

 

That being said as your relationship moves on his family will become your family, then it might be harder to ignore.

 

.

 

Yea seeing how he responded when I gave my opinion the second time I figured he just wanted to vent. So I’m just going to listen. But it’s definitely something I am not going to ignore if it hits a boundary down the road

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Posted

 

Definitely pay attention to how his family's intrusions affect his adult independence and ability to maintain a healthy relationship with you.

 

Will do ruby. If you don’t mind me asking how did you handle those relationships?

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Posted

 

I started saying no and cleared it all out and have never fixed another thing for any of them.. ever again..

That was about 25 or so years ago and they no longer even ask..

 

So my advice is that he needs to just start saying "sorry", "no", "I can't right now", "I'm too busy"

 

Yea ultimately I do recognize that though I can’t relate to how he choose to deal with his family that at the end of the day this is his issue that he needs to figure out on his own. He may choose to fix it and he may not.

 

Lol I told him “You know this can easily be fixed with so little words right? “sorry don’t have it” or “no can do”. Just keep saying that everytime they ask and eventually they will just stop asking....and it’s like he would recognize what I say and say “your right. Imma have to cut them off” and then go right back to complaining how they are :rolleyes:

 

But hey that’s his cross he chose to bear so to speak

Posted

If he said he'll quit when he's married, then draw up a prenup that says no giving or lending money to anyone without two signatures, yours and his. And then never sign it.

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Posted
Will do ruby. If you don’t mind me asking how did you handle those relationships?

The only case where it didn't interfere was when he set healthy boundaries so their interference became a non-issue.

 

In the other cases, the family was too overbearing and it just wasn't working, so I left. From what I've seen, those relationships haven't changed that much.

 

I think family dynamics are generally what they are, usually pretty entrenched and it takes effort and focus to shift them.

Posted

Why do you keep telling him what he should or shouldn’t do?

 

Your idea of a solution isn’t his , so next time he complains about them, instead of offering him a solution , simply ask “what do you intend on doing about it? Let me know when you come up with a solution and we will chat about it then!”

And then change the subject , every single time!!

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Posted

Dealbreaker....you marry him, you marry his family. Money is the route of most divorces.

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Posted
Why do you keep telling him what he should or shouldn’t do?

 

And why are you making up stories lol?

 

Please paste where you see me say anything about me continuing to tell him what he should do lol? I am pretty sure I said in this thread I mentioned a solution twice (and have since stopped)and I am pretty sure I said I am done talking because I realize he just wanted to vent.

 

simply ask “what do you intend on doing about it?

 

Thank you. I like this response. I just might use that.

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Posted
Dealbreaker....you marry him, you marry his family. Money is the route of most divorces.

 

I agree if he can’t say no at a time where I feel is important. We shall see.

Posted
And why are you making up stories lol?

 

Please paste where you see me say anything about me continuing to tell him what he should do lol? I am pretty sure I said in this thread I mentioned a solution twice (and have since stopped)and I am pretty sure I said I am done talking because I realize he just wanted to vent.

 

 

 

Thank you. I like this response. I just might use that.

 

“Because I already mentioned the solution atleast twice”

 

It is also interesting how you said THE solution not A suggestion.

 

It’s clear your idea of a solution does not resonate well with him , this is his family and he does have emotional ties to them no matter what you think.

So yes , refuse to listen to him vent as long as he does not even consider a solution or compromise that suits him.

 

How long have you been dating?

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