jade_98765 Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 Were both 23, been dating for about 2 years. We live together. We've talked about engagement and we love each other deeply. However, our one problem has been sex lately. This is from his meds, as they greatly lesson his sex drive but help him in other ways. Hes still interested in sex whenever I initiate but does not initiate at all. This is his first relationship and he can be anxious. I am generally extroverted. Unfortunately I speak as I think and I usually kick myself. Hence tonight. Weve both had long weeks and significant events have happened. We havent really talked in depth about them, we havent been intimate and we havent hung out alone as a couple. I feel disconnected and a bit lonely this week. I was looking forward to today as I felt like I would have a bit more time so perhaps we could make something work tonight - but he was busy with friends. I eventually express to him I'm feeling a bit lonely, we make plans for tomorrow - I should have left it at that, right?!?!?!? Nope. Eventually he crawls into bed with me. We kind of talk. I eventually try and initiate something but I feel him pull away. This is common when we kiss, he goes at exactly my pace and doesnt really give much passion when kissing. It's not been too big if a deal when we were having sex more often, but now it gets to me because I never know what I should do. So I blurt put "Do you like kissing me?" He immediately goes silent, expresses to me that he felt like I was questioning his love which I assured him I was not and I knew he loved me. I apologized for my miswording and attempt to clarify what I meant - that I wanted him to let go and just give in to passion and emotion because otherwise it feels like hes overthinking. He replied that it's just who he is. We ended things there. What to do in morning? How should I approach this? Thank you all
crispytoast Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 In the morning, take a warm shower, make yourself a nice breakfast, and when you have your body taken care of, sit down for a second and ask yourself what you want from this? Why are you in it? What are the positives? What are the negatives? Do they balance each other out? Allow yourself to process your thoughts and feelings throughout the day. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 It's not wrong to bring up your concerns about the lack of intimacy or initiative from his side, OP. The way you handled it on this occasion was misguided, though. He knows what you're really asking, which is if he's still attracted to you - right? That's how I would have interpreted the question. Again, you're not wrong to want to talk about these things but the context and approach to the conversation are important. Asking during the act itself is not going to yield you much other than frustration and hurt. How long has his fading libido been an issue, and what sort of medication is he taking? How often do you two spend quality time together? What triggers his anxiety in the relationship? We could use some more context to give you more detailed feedback.
Author jade_98765 Posted October 4, 2019 Author Posted October 4, 2019 Just to clarify, I don't think it's a lack of attraction. It was very unwise of me to say so in moment, so I think I'll apologize for that this morning by making breakfast. I noticed his libido drop after a month after he started the meds. Hes been on them before so he knew how they'd affect him and we talked about it before hand. They're for GAD. The problem is during intimate moments it often feels like he is thinking through every single move he makes. It doesnt end up feeling natural and I feel like I have to lead. The leading part is in part because of medication but not totally. Anywho, immediate problem: making it up to my partner for my quick and not thoughtful question. Longer term problem: how can I make him comfortable in the moment? How can I make him comfortable initiating?
PRW Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 Every couple goes through that,...and it always seems to happen around 2 years. You have to stop measuring love and interest by "sex". Never ever ask a guy questions like "Do you like kissing me?". That is a horribly awkward and "buzz-killing" thing for a guy to respond to. If he did have any "buzz" for you at that moment you just killed it. It is like the question, "Does this dress make my butt look big?" only 10 times worse. The more you pick at it the worse it is going to get. It isn't like he isn't smart enough to know it is happening without you telling him is. Sex results from emotions and arousal,...without that sex is just dry and mechanical. So figure out why the emotion isn't there.
smackie9 Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 I can't stress this enough....before you even consider walking down that aisle, go to couples/premarriage counseling. If you keep at this rate you will be divorced by 2 years.
kendahke Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 (edited) He replied that it's just who he is. How should I approach this? Thank you all You should approach it as someone who has thought everything through and made the decision that demonstrated affection is something you can live without for however many years/decades you choose to be with this guy---who is not going to even try to meet you halfway, going by what you've written here. Seeing his meds are doing this to him and he must need to be on the meds or they wouldn't have been prescribed, this is something you're going to have to embrace if you're going to be with him. You're going to need a lot of tolerance and the ability to not take it personally when he won't rise to the occasion. Edited October 4, 2019 by kendahke 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 I'd be very wary of getting married when you're already having these problems and he's only 23. Some of the most unhappy people on this board are those in marriages with no sex or not enough sex. I imagine it's kind of like living with a delicious food buffet all around you, but you're not allowed to eat any of it 1
preraph Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 He has big anxiety problems and it's clearly affecting him. You're really too young to be with someone who already has big huge issues. Realize he's in his sexual prime right now! Scary thought, right? Age will only make things get worse. Don't you need more from someone you stay with? You're both young and this is a good time to just be dating and exploring, not staying with one guy who isn't into sex and has a big anxiety disorder. I'm glad he's on meds for it, and maybe this isn't the right med, but at the root of it, it's his anxiety that is the problem more so than the med. Nothing is going to turn him into an extroverted ball of fire.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 Longer term problem: how can I make him comfortable in the moment? How can I make him comfortable initiating? Well, you can't do it all alone. He needs to be willing to meet you half-way or your efforts will be futile. What have you two tried so far? 1
Author jade_98765 Posted October 4, 2019 Author Posted October 4, 2019 We haven't really tried much of anything for this particular issue. I have brought it up very gently but I don't think I did so effectively (I'm not a particularly talented communicator in the moment, as noted above). He restarted this medication about a year ago. At the time we were long distance. We did start dating in person. After about 5 months of us being together I got a year long job opportunity about 10 hours away and took it. I came back in July, which is when we moved in together. Being long distance, this wasn't ever a huge deal as he was always able to enjoy sex when I would see him once or twice a month. I should also clarify how this effects him. Basically it makes him less interested as often, so now we probably have sex around once a week or once every two weeks. He is almost always able to be in the mood (get up) when I initiate, not always finish tho. Early on, I knew this was his first ever relationship and he was very worried about messing up. That's partially why he started on his meds again which has made his anxiety much more manageable. I initiated more often in the beginning but later he did initiate more frequently as he got comfortable. Long distance phase was never a problem, we were both over the moon to see each other. Now we're finding our own schedule but sex hasn't been as much of a focus. We've been working on making ourselves better, getting good habits, and doing well at our careers. A month ago when I started work, this didnt bother me because I was so busy. And before that, during the summer, we just moved in together and everything was exciting. Now I'm beginning to realize that he is uncomfortable with initiating again and we really havent tried any solutions to it because I haven't expressed this need well to him.
kendahke Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 I'd first have a conversation with him about his "this is how I am" comment--because to me, that's him saying that he has no intention of seriously fixing this. It's a pretty selfish stance to take. He may do something to keep you quiet for a few days when you complain, but that comment sounded like taking an interest in initiating sex with you is not his jam.
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 His condition will never go away, he'll have to deal with these meds probably all of his life, are you ready to be intimicy-starved for a life time? He needs to see his doctor and explain the side effects of these meds and see if doctor can change them. .
Maggiemay1 Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 A lot of this boils down to communication. Yours in particular. It is NEVER a good idea to discuss intimacy issues when intimacy is possible. Such as you did while in bed together! You need to discuss these things while out having a walk in the park or at a quiet café etc. Otherwise you are adding pressure and will likely only get a defensive response and attitude. And as for building intimacy , it is times like sitting in a public park although a quiet spot is where you should kiss where it is obvious that kissing is not going to lead to sex. And enjoy it for what it is while not using it as foreplay. Another issue with your communication is that you decided to apologise by making him breakfast! That equates to a man giving flowers to a woman after an argument and expecting her to be ok with that! No discussion required right?? He can’t exactly flick a switch and bam his libido is back!! Apart from taking meds what is he doing about his anxiety and depression?
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