lavenderandvelvet Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 So a few weeks ago now, I matched with someone on Hinge. We exchanged a few messages and had ok convo - and shared goals. I gave him my number to coordinate a first date. From there he started texting regularly. The typical keeping you warm texts peppered with getting to know you questions. Our schedules haven’t aligned - I had some work travel and weekend trips planned. He has had work travel and spends weekends with his son. So we haven’t met, and now he has a month work trip over the next few weeks. All this time he has been super attentive and interested in getting to know me, and also seeming to feel a bit attached. He checks in to see how I am doing at least daily, super curious about my day and being adamant about wanted to be supportive and a sounding board for any issues I may be having. Reiterating that he is interested and cares. While so far we seem to connect well via text and a few phone calls, I’m of course wary of getting attached before meeting someone. And it’ll be a few more weeks to even feasibly meeting up for the first time. I like talking to him and plan to continue to do so. What would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 i would continue the text and phone conversations but not flirt with him. just talk like a friend. that should keep things in control. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavenderandvelvet Posted October 4, 2019 Author Share Posted October 4, 2019 i would continue the text and phone conversations but not flirt with him. just talk like a friend. that should keep things in control. He is definitely toe-ing into to the flirting. And I definitely naturally flirt easily. He is also feeling some attachment. Makes it tricky. Link to post Share on other sites
Twizzlestick Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 OP you could be me, for all the similarities. Except I’m a fella and it’s not me worrying about getting too attached. I don’t like it myself when it goes intense before you’ve met. I get there’s natural warming up and keeping interest - that’s all legit. But I’ve noticed twice now some folk are a bit more than that. You can tell armed with a set of photos off your bio, plus stacks of messages they’re already forming a relationship “in their head” with a phantom. Someone they’ve built up in their mind. And this is before they’ve met you. Just try and set the pace for yourself. Ultimately I’ve had to tell myself it doesn’t matter how keen someone is, it doesn’t stop you from viewing the first date as what it is just a look-see. Don’t fall into the trap of getting attached to a phantom. You’ve not met this person yet. Something crazy like 90 percent of of communication is non verbal. You have not had that yet. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 You're going to end up flirting, you met on a dating site. I guess try to have video chats/dates in the mean time. Because going weeks without seeing each other and also not flirting just isn't possible. Link to post Share on other sites
barismm Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 If I were you I would still text him because he show interest for your personality and it's amazing. Anyway you will lose nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 When you chat a long time without meeting, I think it is tough for it ever to work out. You get a picture of this person in your mind and when you meet in person, in my experience they rarely seem the same as you pictured them. You may not feel the same attraction as you did to their personality and even physical appearance. People's pictures may seem perfect but in person they 'look different'. The way they talk, interact, are shy or less than shy on person can change your perception of them. To me it's rare that the picture of them i have in my mind matches who they really are in person. Because of that, I reject being a pen pal or building any emotional connection to them until I meet them. I remember one girl I was set up with on a blind date. I saw her picture and thought, not really interested. I met her in person and she was really attractive. Another girl I met once at a party and then we texted for a long time. When we went on a date, the conversation did go as easy as the text. My perception and what I expected was skewed from how it actually was when we interacted in person. I would say cut back the contact to maybe once a week until you meet. It's like if you chat too much and too personally, you lose out on the discovery phase of a new relationship and that is where you actually bond. I think if you chat too much too often before you meet, it's likely the "person" you think you are getting to know doesn't really exist. The one you meet in person might seem completely different when you meet them and the disappointment can kill things more so than if you had been getting to know them in person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 When you chat a long time without meeting, I think it is tough for it ever to work out. Yes, that's true for sure. You either get attached and are inevitably disappointed when the person you have built up is different to the one you meet, or the excitement of meeting someone new fades as you discuss the drudgery of everyday life and you drift into the friend zone. And of course you're both still messaging and meeting others, right? A few weeks have gone by and there hasn't been a single evening that you're both free? It kinda makes me wonder how compatible you are, it's difficult to see how this can turn into a relationship when you can't even schedule a meeting. When would the 2nd date be, 2020? How would this work in the long term? If you want to give this the best chance then I would firstly try to meet up ASAP. If you can't do that then cut right back on the contact. Tell him you'd like to meet up after his work trip and he should call you when he gets back to make the arrangements. Don't do daily "checking in", that is for people who are in a relationship, not before even meeting. It will be difficult if he carries on texting you -- ignore him or reply briefly and he will think you've lost interest; but reply normally and it's likely you will lose interest. Difficult to find the right balance, here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 I would get busy dating other men and put him on the back burner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavenderandvelvet Posted October 11, 2019 Author Share Posted October 11, 2019 Yes, that's true for sure. You either get attached and are inevitably disappointed when the person you have built up is different to the one you meet, or the excitement of meeting someone new fades as you discuss the drudgery of everyday life and you drift into the friend zone. And of course you're both still messaging and meeting others, right? A few weeks have gone by and there hasn't been a single evening that you're both free? It kinda makes me wonder how compatible you are, it's difficult to see how this can turn into a relationship when you can't even schedule a meeting. When would the 2nd date be, 2020? How would this work in the long term? It seems (assuming all checks out) he has not been in town for what will be around 6-7 weeks). It just so happened the week or so he was in town I was out of town and had plans every day. It seems he has spurts of long term work travel, then nothing. If you want to give this the best chance then I would firstly try to meet up ASAP. If you can't do that then cut right back on the contact. Tell him you'd like to meet up after his work trip and he should call you when he gets back to make the arrangements. Don't do daily "checking in", that is for people who are in a relationship, not before even meeting. It will be difficult if he carries on texting you -- ignore him or reply briefly and he will think you've lost interest; but reply normally and it's likely you will lose interest. Difficult to find the right balance, here. I’ve said we can aim to meet when he is back - which is like 2 weeks, and it is totally fine if he slows down on pings. He still likes the pings. I’m using those messages to learn more about his job. Being 100% honest, he has an intersection and unusual one, so I’d like to meet no matter what to quiz him on it. Would be a great conversation topic. Anyway it seems he is now in the busy part of the project so free time has declined. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 Just keep chatting with him regularly and see where to go from there. It’s smart to be wary before your first meeting, but just don’t let it kill your interest in him. He sounds as if he could possibly be a keeper. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavenderandvelvet Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 Well I guess I would update now. He seems attached. Which is good and bad of course. Good because hey, maybe it’ll turn into something. Bad because - wow you got attached before meeting. He’s in planning the future mode. Thinking about trips and concerts we could go to together. Trying to balance tempering expectations with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 How long have you been chatting with him now and you still haven't met him? Out of town for work? Smells like a catfish. Run his profile pictures through google image and check if he has a LinkedIn profile to verify his work. I have met a lot of people off of the internet and in my own experience no one I have ever talked to on the internet for an extended amount of time has ever fit the image my mind makes of them. Be careful… wishing you success. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 (edited) Right now, this guy is just a pen pal that you really don't know anything about. I don't care what he says or how he comes across over the phone or chat or text or whatever. You don't know him until you spend some time with him. Don't build him up in your head or picture the future with him or daydream, etc. And, I'm always wary of guys who travel a lot and for extended periods of time. Very often, they are like sailors -- they have a girl in every port and the internet makes it easy for them to set that up. And, sometimes they are just plain lonely and passing the time in their hotel rooms without any intention of dating or just setting a girl up for an ONS at some point, etc. He hasn't even asked to meet yet or made concrete plans, so until that happens, he's just a guy you text and talk to on the phone. But, I'd also say that, at least for me, it takes a whole lot more than a few phone calls and texts to get me to be invested/attached in a man . . . Edited October 13, 2019 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavenderandvelvet Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 (edited) How long have you been chatting with him now and you still haven't met him? Out of town for work? Smells like a catfish. Run his profile pictures through google image and check if he has a LinkedIn profile to verify his work. I have met a lot of people off of the internet and in my own experience no one I have ever talked to on the internet for an extended amount of time has ever fit the image my mind makes of them. Be careful… wishing you success. Chatting for around 6 weeks at this point. Assuming honesty of course - he has an usual that would make it pointless to be on LinkedIn- it would be word of mouth with a very small audience. And the work is seasonal-ish. Where he would travel and work intensively for a few weeks or month and not need to work again for months. Not perma travel. Also tricky - he is new to the US. Around a year. Moved because his ex-wife did. I did do an image search early on, no hits. His profile contains a pic with his kid. And he has also sent some selfies with the same kid. He also sent me a video (PG) because he plays guitar and wanted to share. So at least on that front, it feels these things are harder to fake. We tried to schedule but the free days didn’t line up. And then his travel kicked into high gear. While there has been a lot of chatting I don’t really have a clear picture about him - save he is a lonely divorced guy who misses being in a couple. He got married in his early 20s and has been divorced for 4 years in his early 50s. So most of his adult life has been married. Assuming I do meet this guy, I am going to dive deep in learning about his job. It is a crazy one and I am super curious. Objectively, at the moment he is “saying” all the right things. But nothing yet seems uniquely him in any way. But he seems to be good at listening and recalling. Which is a yellow flag. Edited October 13, 2019 by lavenderandvelvet Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavenderandvelvet Posted November 13, 2019 Author Share Posted November 13, 2019 Well I am definitely failing on the getting “invested” metric. It has been a few more weeks since I posted. His trip is coming to a close but was extended. In the subsequent weeks we’ve been in daily communication (I know I know very relationship-like) and talked on the phone getting to know each other better. I’ve learned lots (of course assuming he is honest - no inconsistencies in his stories, which is good). Seems like a good fit. He is 100% interested and invested at this point. And I like him too. I guess we will see how it goes when we meet. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 I would get busy dating other men and put him on the back burner. Exactly. You're looking for a date/boyfriend, not a texting buddy. If a guy doesn't line up a date within a few days of making first contact, I back-burner him and move on. In most cases, that's the end of it. A serious man wouldn't bother texting until he knew he was ready to meet up soon. Most women including myself are attracted to men who know how to lead an interaction. That means message, text, call, and meet in a relatively short timeframe. Anything less and he won't pass muster for most decent women, with good reason. Maybe if women stopped the endless texting relationships with these boys, they'd learn it's not going to work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavenderandvelvet Posted November 13, 2019 Author Share Posted November 13, 2019 Exactly. You're looking for a date/boyfriend, not a texting buddy. If a guy doesn't line up a date within a few days of making first contact, I back-burner him and move on. In most cases, that's the end of it. A serious man wouldn't bother texting until he knew he was ready to meet up soon. Most women including myself are attracted to men who know how to lead an interaction. That means message, text, call, and meet in a relatively short timeframe. Anything less and he won't pass muster for most decent women, with good reason. Maybe if women stopped the endless texting relationships with these boys, they'd learn it's not going to work. I definitely agree about not only texting and meeting up quickly. But when we matched, it turned out our schedules were incompatible (I had a super busy period) and then he was out of the country! I feel like that is a reasonable excuse. Taking what he says at face value there. Of course we'll see what happens when he gets back. I am cautiously optimistic. What I've gotten to know to date is pretty compatible with me, hits my intellectual hot buttons, so it makes sense not to write him off because he was traveling. It seems like his work schedule is essentially a couple of long trips per year, and then pretty stable and available between the trips, save prepping. So while he travels a bit, it is not a permanent state. Have definitely not had many interesting potentials lately, save one that I am queuing up to meet soon. So I haven't been un-open to meeting other people. But I haven't met much to tickle my fancy either. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 You really need to move on. This guy is totally stringing you along. He’s either married, with a girlfriend, or just not wanting a relationship. A month long work trip? Yeah, right. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavenderandvelvet Posted November 14, 2019 Author Share Posted November 14, 2019 You really need to move on. This guy is totally stringing you along. He’s either married, with a girlfriend, or just not wanting a relationship. A month long work trip? Yeah, right. I worked somewhere where a specific team did three 4-6 week stints in different offices. Every year. The entire team of 70 people. In my current company the execs take a 2-3 week trip to the other office abroad every other month. It happens, not unusual for some jobs. I'm not sitting at home all day waiting for him to call. I plenty of other stuff going on. But I am not closing the door. Hopefully it all checks out. I've got a timeline to work with, and can evaluate from there. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 I worked somewhere where a specific team did three 4-6 week stints in different offices. Every year. The entire team of 70 people. In my current company the execs take a 2-3 week trip to the other office abroad every other month. It happens, not unusual for some jobs. I'm not sitting at home all day waiting for him to call. I plenty of other stuff going on. But I am not closing the door. Hopefully it all checks out. I've got a timeline to work with, and can evaluate from there. Eh, I still don’t believe it. It’s the classic line from guys who don’t really want to meet up - “I have a long work trip coming up.” Link to post Share on other sites
SJ1975 Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Hi, I've read this and sorry but something just isn't right. Please tread carefully with this guy. If you meet, then what? Do you have to wait another 8 weeks to see him again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavenderandvelvet Posted November 14, 2019 Author Share Posted November 14, 2019 Hi, I've read this and sorry but something just isn't right. Please tread carefully with this guy. If you meet, then what? Do you have to wait another 8 weeks to see him again? Yup, will tread carefully. At this point I am interested in meeting and seeing if the conversational chemistry translates. Seems interesting and like a good match. If he doesn't actually return/meet up in the next couple of weeks then I write him off. Or maybe I keep him around as a phone buddy. We will see. Provided that he is on the up and up, he would have no work travel for at least a few months. And plans to stick to shorter/closer trips in the coming year. He is over it on the long trips for the near-term, and wants to settle in. (He moved from abroad a few months ago, because his ex-moved with their kid. He has been traveling a lot and hasn't actually settled into the new city and wants to focus on that next.) So his return would mean a "normal" dating schedule. And he would have good availability during the week/some weekends. His job isn't a full time / always on sort of job it is more bursty - project oriented work. I don't particularly have an aversion to trips for a few weeks, I have a pretty active social life and other stuff going on. And would definitely prefer "freedom" if you will. So even in a long term relationship, I'd be fine with "breaks" due to work travel provided we have a reasonable communications schedule. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavenderandvelvet Posted November 14, 2019 Author Share Posted November 14, 2019 Eh, I still don’t believe it. It’s the classic line from guys who don’t really want to meet up - “I have a long work trip coming up.” I get it. I gave him a pass on it because it seems plausible for the job he told me he has. He has a non-traditional job. What he has told me about it and the trip is consistent and story lines up with what I would guess/assume. So I am taking it at face value. I'm also taking his behavior at face value as well. He is putting in a lot of effort, even when I did not. And his sentiments seem genuine. I've told him point blank: "Yeah what you are saying all sounds great, but you aren't a real person until I meet you." Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 "Yeah what you are saying all sounds great, but you aren't a real person until I meet you." Just keep this at the forefront of your mind. The last thing you want is to get at all attached or invested in a phone buddy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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