Lemoni5 Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 Hi, I'm very confused - any ideas would be much appreciated. I've been with my husband since we were 18 (now 36). Although we get on well on the surface I don't feel he really that interested in me or our life. We've been trying for a baby for the last 4 years since we got married with no luck. I've tried Chinese herbs, quitting drinking, etc. and got myself tested but he hasn't done anything. We could have been referred for fertility treatment two years ago but he hasn't been to get tested still. When I ask him about it he says he does want kids but he doesn't like the idea of the test or thought it would just happen or says he wanted to cut down on drinking before going but this never happens. Nothing changes. I know he might be dreading it been a problem with him but whatever the issue is to me it's something you have to deal with together. He's finally filled in the form to register at the same doctors as me two months after I got it for him and I'm just questioning is this really something I want to do with someone if I have to force them? The pattern has been the same with other things in our life. We lived at home with parents for a while to save money to buy a house, but I saved the deposit on my own. When I asked him why he hadn't he said he was happy living with his parents so wasn't that motivated. Again he proposed to me when we were just 19 but it was me who pushed to actually get married years later just because I wanted some progress in our relationship. I don't know whether he is selfish, doesn't care about me very much or is struggling. He does drink too much and sometimes lies about his drinking. I've tried to encourage him to get help if he needs it but despite saying he will nothing changes. I have depression myself that I talk about quite openly with him but when he feels a bit low he never thinks it bad enough to get antidepressants or go to the doctor. He is really into his job and the gym and I wonder why he can't put the same energy into trying to get healthy to have a baby if he is able to be so into the gym. He never suggests doing anything together except going for meals sometimes - everytime we've been away for the weekend, etc. it has been my idea. What does this look like from the outside? I'm struggling to see things clearly and sometimes think I should leave but sometimes feel bad for him. I think he would be upset if I said I was leaving but I'm not sure if really it's just because we've been together so long it's safe. I just don't feel his actions show that he cares much.
d0nnivain Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 It sounds more like a bit lazy. You have always made everything easy for him so he takes that for granted. He's not going to spontaneously step up to the plate & plan now. He never had to learn that skill. My husband can't / won't plan. It's annoying but not insurmountable. I just give him specific things to plan, i.e. I remind him when anniversaries are coming up & request that he plan that one specific thing. He's OK with that but it does take prompting. At this point, just make the doctor's appointment for him then drag his a$$ there to get tested. 2
preraph Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 ^ That. It could very well be he also has lazy swimmers! You need to find out, and THEN decide what to do next.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 What does this look like from the outside? Like the wrong situation to bring a child into. You have plenty of challenges in you marriage, your husband’s disconnect included. You really should work to address those issues and determine the fate of the relationship. Marriage counseling would be an asset in this process... Mr. Lucky 1
spiderowl Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 It sounds to me like you are the one having to drive things forward all the time. I have been in that position myself and it did not get any better. You are likely to end up with all the responsibilities and resenting your partner. He is drinking and lying about it. This is really serious. Unless he gets treatment and help, this will not get better. You are working at a serious disadvantage here. This guy is just going to drag you down and, ultimately, you will be the one who ends up feeling worthless because, despite all your hard work and responsibility, things will not be working out and you will always be on the back foot. You are working hard, doing your best, trying to move forward, and yet you will be constantly coping with the things he is not doing or his failings. I would advise breaking up with him. You could have a better future with someone prepared to put in equal effort than in carrying someone else constantly.
charliegirl816 Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 It's hard in a marriage when one person is more motivated than the other, but that doesn't mean that they other person doesn't care. My husband wasn't really interested in getting tested, but he wasn't against having children either. Men and women communicate in different ways and it would be a good idea to find a marriage counsel, so you can work out the feelings you're having. Marriage is difficult and we change with the seasons of our lives. Hoping the best.
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