Bf with ADHD reaches out less, seems less curious about me, takes longer to reply

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I've been doing a LOT of reading the past couple of days.

 

Apparently, there's something called "hyperfocus" that is often present in the beginning of a relationship where one partner has ADHD. This is where the disordered partner makes the other person feel extremely special, strongly desired, very loved. You (the non-disordered partner) feel this is the soul mate you've been longing for forever.

 

This hyperfocus usually shuts off suddenly at the drop of a hat, leaving the partner without ADHD to feel ignored, shut out, no longer a priority, etc... The reality is that he/she likely still cares, but their brain has become focused on something else now.

 

I KNEW I wasn't imagining things or being too needy!

 

There are ways to help make such a relationship work, but it takes a lot of understanding and encouragement. I feel he is totally worth it! He has a lot of wonderful traits.

[Allupinnit]

Is he medicated or using another method of managing his ADD?

 

Life with someone with ADD can be incredibly challenging if they haven't learned to manage it properly. My mom is one of them, and I've felt like the adult in the relationship for quite some time now.

 

When I most recently went to visit, I was rather shocked at a few things. The water in her toilet had been running for weeks, racking up her bill significantly when all it would have taken is a quick call to maintenance. Her shower drain was clogged with hair and the tub filled up when you took a shower. A few of her car doors wouldn't lock - those were broken too. Neatness was never her strong suit.

 

And every new job she's had in the past 10 years, let's say she becomes obsessed with whether it was Trader Joe's or her newest job.

 

There are some wonderful people with ADD but IMHO you need the patience of a saint to deal with it. It is like a spectrum as well - some folks overcompensate and become frigidly neat and tidy and have to have everything run on a tight schedule - they fear everything spiraling out of control.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Wow about your mom, Allupinnit! That sounds like him. House is usually a mess--dishes piled in the sink, clothes and papers everywhere, trash to the ceiling. However, he's gotten better with my encouragement. Once we move in together some time next year, I will simply hire a maid to come in once every week or two as a supplement to what we get done.

 

Yes, he's on meds. I can tell when they are wearing off.

 

I'm honestly in shock right now. Everything from the beginning is making so much sense.

 

One lesson I've just learned is that being lovebombed at the start of a new relationship is ALWAYS a red flag. Either the person lovebombing has ulterior motives (as is the case with a narcissist), or there is something like ADHD going on.

 

I completely let myself get swept away. I feel let down, like his behavior wasn't because I'm so awesome and interesting after all.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

One tip I just read is to not expect him to do something unless I'm asking for it to be done right then. Obviously, that can't be the case every single time, but I think applying this overall will be helpful.

 

He really is a good guy despite his condition. I think learning some tips on my part is the right thing to do.

[greymatter]

Wow about your mom, Allupinnit! That sounds like him. House is usually a mess--dishes piled in the sink, clothes and papers everywhere, trash to the ceiling. However, he's gotten better with my encouragement. Once we move in together some time next year, I will simply hire a maid to come in once every week or two as a supplement to what we get done.

 

I completely let myself get swept away. I feel let down, like his behavior wasn't because I'm so awesome and interesting after all.

 

I was in a relationship and married to someone with diagnosed ADHD for 18 years. His enthusiasm for me, obvious from our first meeting, didn’t wane after a few months, and his communication increased over time rather than decreasing. Same with my now BF—his interest and communication have increased with time, not lessened.

 

 

I’m not sure if you are telling yourself stories to justify his behavior and actions that could indicate less interest or not, and am also not sure if what you are seeing now will be all you ever get from him. Only you will know that with time, if you stick with him. He is showing you the real him.

 

The clothing everywhere, dirty dishes and trash everywhere would concern me greatly and you are thinking of moving in with him! Having someone come in to do housekeeping once a week will not be enough. You might come to be resentful and disgusted by the filth when you are living with it. My ex-H (as one example) was much more responsible with cleaning than what you describe with your BF’s habits. While not perfectly neat he definitely did his share of cleaning up and maintaining our homes. I don’t think it’s necessarily ADHD causing your boyfriend’s less than clean habits or his reduced enthusiasm for you.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Not every ADHD relationship is the same. I've read enough stories to see that what I describe is common.

 

He's gotten somewhat cleaner since things have gotten serious with us. Every single person has drawbacks to being with them. Cleanliness is one of his. As long as it's his home and not his body, I can find ways to deal with it.

 

He is affectionate, faithful, vibrant, intelligent, attentive in person, passionate, funny, etc...

 

I've come to realize that his interest level hasn't gone down, it's only his intense focus that has changed as a result of both the honeymoon period ending and his disorder. Once we are living together (later on), there won't be a need to worry about hearing from him more often.

 

I've also taken a good look at myself and I see that I need to make sure I fill myself up emotionally with friends, hobbies and interests so that I don't look to him to fill me up. It should be two full people coming together.

[Londy]

Once we are living together (later on), there won't be a need to worry about hearing from him more often.

 

 

This is extremely disturbing and says a lot more about you than it does about any issues he may have.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

How so??? He's the one who brought up the idea of living together next year when we're ready for that.

[Londy]

How so??? He's the one who brought up the idea of living together next year when we're ready for that.

 

 

It's been 5.5 months- you barely know each other. Talk of living together shouldn't even be in the back of your minds and here you are already planning it.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I don't disagree that it's too soon to live together, and possibly too soon to even discuss it. What I'd like to know is why you think this says more about ME than any issues he may have when HE is the who brought it up? Please explain.

[Londy]

Because -regardless of what he may have said- you posted "once we are living together next year", like it's a done deal- with a guy you hardly know.

 

 

This impulsive, reckless and irresponsible need you have to jump into a permanent living situation with a guy you barely know is what I consider to be disturbing.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Sorry, I guess I don't see why thinking ahead is so "disturbing", even if it's a bit premature and kinda silly at this early stage. If moving in takes place this time next year, that wouldn't necessarily be impulsive, reckless and irresponsible. I guess he as the man in the relationship gets a total pass on this, even though he brought it up.

 

 

What I consider disturbing are things like cruelty to animals, rape, world hunger, etc...

Edited October 25, 2019 by GeorgiaPeach1

[Londy]

Did you read what you posted above?

 

 

You've decided that you're already living together next year. You wrote it, not him.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

No one is promised anything in life. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us. However, assuming things go well, I plan on living with him at some point next year. He suggested it, and I agree. I don't get your intense emotions over two people that you'll never meet, but thank you for sharing your opinion. Take care.

[Londy]

People are promised things all the time in life. I read an article on CNN yesterday where some chinese dude became a billionaire overnight because his super rich parents wrote him a check. He did nothing to deserve it, as do many who are born with silver spoons in their mouths.

 

That much being said what does being promised or gifted or born lucky have anything whatsoever to do with deciding to move in with a guy you know less than 6 months? Or support your inference that I am experiencing intense emotions in regard to your rash decisions?

 

I'm just trying to help.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I meant to put "guaranteed" but it was too late to edit by the time I realized my wrong word choice. I'm pretty sure you knew what point I was making.

 

By the time next year rolls around, especially if it's the END of the year, I will not have known him 6 months. Do the math.

[Londy]

Let me phrase it a different way since we are clearly not communicating well. You have posted that you intend to live with him next year. So if it's going to happen sooner or later, why wait until the end of next year? Sounds like a bunch of wasted rent.

[rightondude]

this guy a drinker? I used to make all kinds of plans when I'd be buzzed (not even drunk necessarily) and then need to be reminded about them. I remembered as soon as it was triggered, but man some stuff was just lost to the sauce forever.

 

Being prescribed and taking ritalin or similar would have the complete opposite effect I would think. ADHD usually entails getting distracte....is that a squirrel??! In other words, it's in a short timespan, not a lengthy one as far as what I know about it based on friends and relatives I know.

 

Spot reading through all the rest of the thread just sounds like he's like most guys (me included) ... we get the thrill of the chase, capture the prize, and then ... rest a little. Until we get called on it. Then we get better. Then slip again! And whew, she's giving me one more shot! Better not screw it up again. We get good for a few more weeks. Then get lulled into COMPLACENCY yet again. The worst word ever in a relationship.

 

I myself am fighting really hard to not be that type of guy any more. If this guy really loves you, he will too.

[Inspire]

My initial reaction is that he is getting comfortable in your relationship. That 4-6 month itch is pretty common because you're now beginning to see the person for who they are and not the person you thought they were.

 

Don't be afraid to voice your concerns but choose your battles wisely see how things progress naturally.