Bf with ADHD reaches out less, seems less curious about me, takes longer to reply

[Redhead14]

I mean't to mention too that very often when a woman is stressing/focusing about these "little" things when they've been dating someone for a while, it's a sign that the guy isn't making her feel secure in the relationship overall.

 

OP, that's what you need to be looking at here. Overall, is he making you feel loved and secure? This can't be just about phone calls.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

You're right. There's a couple of other things, but this is the main one.

Edited October 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Redhead14]

Phone calls aren't the problem, it's a symptom. The phone calls are your "addiction" so to speak in this situation. In other words, they give you a little high of reassurance because it's lacking in other ways and when the calls don't come, you start jones'in a little. It sounds like you're stringing yourself along a little with this guy, maybe.

 

Have you two had any quality conversations about what you're each looking for for yourselves out of your dating journey, short and long term? Have you had a conversation about being "official"? Is he upping things at all?

 

How did you meet and when? How old are you both?

Edited October 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[GeorgiaPeach1]

Phone calls aren't the problem, it's a symptom. The phone calls are your "addiction" so to speak in this situation. In other words, they give you a little high of reassurance because it's lacking in other ways and when the calls don't come, you start jones'in a little. It sounds like you're stringing yourself along a little with this guy, maybe.

 

Have you two had any quality conversations about what you're each looking for for yourselves out of your dating journey, short and long term? Have you had a conversation about being "official"? Is he upping things at all?

 

How did you meet and when? How old are you both?

 

I don't know that I would describe expecting the same behavior from him as my being "addicted" to getting reassurance, but I get your point.

 

We've had a number of quality conversations about what we're looking for and our values match. We are official.

 

As far a whether he's upping things, yes he is one step at a time. There's been a few unexpected things that have popped up, requiring us to wait on certain plans, but overall I think we're headed in the right direction.

 

We met at a social club. I'm in my 40s, he's in his 50s.

[Gaeta]

I was not expecting you were both middle-aged. He's a man of his generation, he doesn't like to be told what to do or where he's slacking. Like you said he's got you now so he's slowing down on communication and he allows himself to turn the table on you when you express a need. This is the true him, men that age can't be changed, not even a little, I know I am dating one. My bf doesn't text, at beginning I'd send him messages and he never replied, I spoke to him and asked if he could at least replied OK so I know he got my message, he agreed but never did it so I gave up on texting. When I want something or need to hear from him I call. I suggest you switch to dialing instead of texting.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

A couple of weeks ago, I posted about my boyfriend of 5 1/2 months being less attentive for the last half of the relationship--reaching out less, asking fewer questions about me, taking longer to reply. The general advice was that the honeymoon phase is winding down and I should be less needy. I have fully accepted that as a real possibility.

 

What I neglected to mention in that thread was that he has ADHD. I've known from almost the beginning, but I am just now doing research, as I'm noticing more behavior from him that has me concerned.

 

Please note, I love this man dearly. I am not looking to end things. Quite the opposite--he has some wonderful traits and I look forward to the future with him.

 

That being said, he is now "forgetting" to call or message me here and there. He now runs up to a half hour late for our dates. He will sometimes suggest we do an event in particular that he knows I would enjoy that is days or weeks away, but will "forget" what he has promised. While I always remember little chores that need to be done, he "forgets" sometimes to pick up an item like more bread or fix a broken item around my house. He is not consistent with keeping things tidy, and I've been picking up the slack at his house even though we don't live together. He doesn't always reveal things right away that I feel I need to know sooner--for example that a member of our friend group has a girlfriend who said something unflattering and untrue about me. He also has a little temper I haven't seen before, but it's never directed at me.

 

If these things are truly a result of his condition, I feel I can be very understanding and find ways to lessen the impact on our relationship. I'm totally willing to bend a little where and when needed. I'm an excellent planner, so I don't mind keeping track of schedules, appointments, etc. I consider it investing in our future. However, if these things are a result of him losing interest in me or having doubts that he's not sharing with me, I want to protect myself.

 

In the beginning, he was super focused on me and what made me happy. Now, I seem to be less of a priority or he's gotten very comfortable. On top of less contact between dates, I'm noticing he's asking to see me slightly less. (Yes, I initiate as well.)

 

We still see each other several times a week, he still tells me he loves me regularly, he still takes me to family events, he is still very affectionate--foot rubs, snuggling, hugs, etc. Intimacy is still very good. This is part of the reason why I'm so confused.

 

My question is are these types of things common in a relationship with someone who has ADHD? How would I know if he's losing interest vs. struggling with symptoms?

 

I'm early 40s, he's in his 50s.

Edited October 22, 2019 by GeorgiaPeach1

[chillii]

Sounds a lot like a typical guy to me.

Women are always way more about all that stuff than guys, well usually , l know mine always is.

And l mean he doesn't pick some things up , wth is that, l never pick anything up , well l do make a bit of an effort if my womans here.

Most of what your saying l never bother too much with . Funny , when l was married my w would always remember all that sorta stuff, most women do, l had no interest in most of it knew she'd remind me anyway, but l'd always remember the much bigger things in life she'd completely over look.

 

So called honeymoon wise well , that is a pretty quick one . Not sayin he's losing interest , bit early to know if it's that yet.

Edited October 22, 2019 by chillii

[Mr. Lucky]

How would I know if he's losing interest vs. struggling with symptoms?

 

To me, this is the key:

 

In the beginning, he was super focused on me and what made me happy. Now, I seem to be less of a priority or he's gotten very comfortable.

 

My middle son, born 10 weeks prematurely, has struggled his entire life with ADHD. And from what I've seen of his issues in relationships, his disability wouldn't have allowed him to be anymore focused in the beginning, just not in his toolkit. That your BF can turn it off and on indicates a feeling more than a condition.

 

Has he been clinically diagnosed? On any medication?

 

Honestly, it may be as simply as a poor match for the two of you in this area - you like lots of contact, feedback and reassurance, not in his make-up to provide. I'll leave it to you to determine if the other positives outweigh this negative...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Thank you for sharing the info about your son. Yes, he's on meds, but his doctor wants to adjust the dosages or even change them, as they no longer seem to be controlling his symptoms as much. He's experiencing problems staying focused/completing tasks at work and with a class he is taking to further his career.

Edited October 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[GeorgiaPeach1]

I find myself wondering how serious he is about the things he says he wants us to do in the future--a trip to Australia, moving in together next year, getting a pet at some point (not now), etc... if he has such a hard time "remembering"/following through on short term plans scheduled to take place in days or weeks.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I'm also starting to feel a little less interested in sex, though I haven't turned him down. The reason is because I feel neglected emotionally. Also, here and there he has began ending the sexual activity after he's satisfied, whereas before he wouldn't dream of stopping before my climax. Most of the time he's still making the effort, though.

[chillii]

Like l said , sounds like a pretty quick honeymoon to me.

And sorry l don't mean to downplay Adhd , but funnily though the every day stuff yeah , as l was saying. Stuff you've mentioned later and being on meds though well, l'll leave that up to those in the know.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Thank you for your input and advice. Yes, it does seem like a quick honeymoon, but I've also read that things usually change around 3-4 months in.

Edited October 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I really don't know. My exH supposedly has ADHD, diagnosed just a few years ago when my daughter was, and all he does it use it as an excuse now to excuse bad behavior. He's a total neat freak and never late for anything, crazy strong work ethic, etc. He was not diagnosed formally though so I've never really believed he has it, or at least not bad.

 

But anyway, my 18 year old daughter has ADD (no H although I know that's technically in the full name of the disorder). I guess one thing I would say is to not make assumptions that he IS being rude or not thinking of you or whatever, and maybe he is just that forgetful. As an example, the last two times my daughter went to Wawa and I asked her to get me something to eat from the deli this happened: 1st time, she brought home my food, but forgot to pay for it. 2nd time, she paid for it, but left the food on the counter at Wawa. Now, if she was my boyfriend and not my daughter I could be tempted to be like, "Really? You coudn't even manage to think of me long enough to remember to bring home the food you had JUST ORDERED for me?"

 

I didn't think that at all because, well, it's just her. Her room is a total pigsty, as is her car. She forgets things all the time. All the time. Now, with that said, if something is REALLY important to her (her horse, her friends, what the newest Blizzard of the month is at DQ), she will remember . She can spend hours upon hours drawing a horse, but couldn't concentrate on math for 5 minutes when she was in school.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

He definitely shares some traits with your daughter. As you mentioned, I'm trying not to take it personally. He's not good at handling his OWN business, so how could he possibility maintain anything concrete concerning another person?

 

Part of this is feeling deep down like I'm not woman or desirable enough for him to sustain effort. When he's talked about previous dating partners/relationships, he's never indicated that the woman has accused him of being neglectful. I mean, if a man is in love like he says he is, how could he go a couple days with just one text?

Edited October 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, is he also an introvert who likes his alone time?

Edited October 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[GeorgiaPeach1]

He's not an introvert, but he's into books, games, fishing and computers. All activities he spends a lot of solo time on.

[basil67]

Your description in the first post of the things he forgets all fall into the realms of 'normal' to me. However, I guess the caveat is in how often these things are happening.

 

If he has no apparent history of women saying that he's being neglectful, do you have any history of men saying that you have high expectations? Not blaming you...just helping you find an answer.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

No, I don't have that kind of history. However, it's occurred to me that he may not have any idea that I feel neglected. The one time I question him about a lack of reply to me, he got bent out of shape so I haven't voiced any more concerns.

Edited October 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CautiouslyOptimistic]

so I haven't voiced any more concerns.

 

Well that's not good.....

[Londy]

ADHD has nothing to do with any of this. If it did, you'd see it from day one. Nope, you're seeing the real him. After 5.5 months. You don't really know a person after that short amount of time, but you're starting to. Don't be so sure that the future is going to be all rosy and bright based on your experiences to date and don't ignore the yellow or red flags.

[Mr. Lucky]

As an example, the last two times my daughter went to Wawa and I asked her to get me something to eat from the deli this happened: 1st time, she brought home my food, but forgot to pay for it. 2nd time, she paid for it, but left the food on the counter at Wawa.

 

Boy, did that strike a chord.

 

My son lives out of state, just got here for a visit. He was supposed to bring a camping item he needs, an piece of clothing my wife left at his place last time and some insurance paperwork. He forgot the camping bag, brought the wrong article of clothing and left the paperwork at some interstate rest stop.

 

We were just glad he made it here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

I agree with the poster who said it's alarming that he got bent out of shape when you voiced feeling neglected. Even if he didn't agree, there are ways to discuss it like a decent human. Of all the things you've written, this is the most alarming.

 

I also agree with the poster who said that if it was ADHD, you'd be seeing it from day one.

 

Time to throw this fish back in the water.

[Redhead14]

You say you're boyfriend is ADHD yet you're concerned/surprised when he seems distracted and less attentive???????

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Clearly you missed the part where I am just now realizing the impact it can have on a relationship. Do you have helpful, relevant experience with this to add?